Only way to make a living, masochism, pain, perfection
I am growing restless at work. And not for lack of anything to do. Isn't that weird? I have plenty that I can and should be doing, but I'm completely restless and find myself unable to do any of it starting at like 4:00 every day. And then, at about 5:20, I work myself up into a tizzy trying to get all the things done that I should have gotten done earlier that day. It's exhausting. I don't really think it's the length of my days that's the cause of this (door to door, it's like I'm working from 8 to 8, just like when I was working three jobs almost two years ago), although lack of sleep doesn't help. It's more the whole 10 to 6 thing. I think it's ingrained in my body that the work day is from 9 to 5. At SCA, I used to wind down at 4-ish because the day was winding down. Now, that happens and I find I have a whole lot more time left to my day. It's annoying, to say the least, because I'm left feeling bad because i didn't get done all that I should have. I hate doing work that I'm not proud of, which includes not doing work when I should. So this is difficult for me. But I have to accept it, because not working as hard as I could, at the end of the day is my choice, and my choice alone. I like this job, I like working in NYC, I like working in the theatre. But right now, I don't love it. And you should do what you love, right?
Fundraising in NYC theatre is just such a different world compared to what I'm used to. It's scary, and I'm not sure I'm at a place where I can really do my best at it. I'm not happy with my job right now, but it isn't because of the job, it's because of me. Bottom line: I need to shape up. I need to find something, anything, to get excited about, and use that excitement to get me through the day. Or else, I fear that I might end up resenting this job more than anybody should (especially since the people are all lovely and the theatre does such great work), and maybe even be let go. and that cannot happen. I refuse to let it. I refuse to fail, just like I have at everything else I've tried since as far back as I can remember. Granted, my standard of "failing" is probably unusually high, but that doesn't matter. I have to meet my own standards, or else I won't be happy with myself. And that would suck.
I'm looking at the past year more in-depth soon. So if this post is a bit confusing (haven't really updated since, well, last year), don't worry. All will be explained and examined in due time.
Fundraising in NYC theatre is just such a different world compared to what I'm used to. It's scary, and I'm not sure I'm at a place where I can really do my best at it. I'm not happy with my job right now, but it isn't because of the job, it's because of me. Bottom line: I need to shape up. I need to find something, anything, to get excited about, and use that excitement to get me through the day. Or else, I fear that I might end up resenting this job more than anybody should (especially since the people are all lovely and the theatre does such great work), and maybe even be let go. and that cannot happen. I refuse to let it. I refuse to fail, just like I have at everything else I've tried since as far back as I can remember. Granted, my standard of "failing" is probably unusually high, but that doesn't matter. I have to meet my own standards, or else I won't be happy with myself. And that would suck.
I'm looking at the past year more in-depth soon. So if this post is a bit confusing (haven't really updated since, well, last year), don't worry. All will be explained and examined in due time.