Can Harry be me?
I havn't posted here for some time, so here's a quick spatter of print. I have just finished reading Steppenwolf. I tried to read it a couple of times in the past and must say I didn't make it past the 60th or 70th page. Lately I have been feeling in a very peculiar and somewhat unpleasent state. I've been making some changes in my life to try and face what demons might be at the heart of such things. one such change has been having the television on for no more than 1 hour a day tops. In it's place, with my new found, even if temporary, freedom over break, I have started reading things aside from Uni oriented writings. So my mind remembered Steppenwolf, how much I loathed that book, but I remember from what I read the character reminded me of well... the current me. So I picked it up, and read it almost start to finish with just some breaks to wonder town and have a sleep. It scared me how much the main character reminded me of my current self, it seemed as if, atleast the first half, could have been writen either about, for, or by me. I hung through even the most tedious bits preying that it wouldn't end with Harry's suicide, or a magical women turning his life around. Well, guess what, a magical women did turn his life around in the end, but if you look at it in a more surreal, and symbolic way, which I believe is how it was intended, it still carries depth and meaning, and in the end he killed her, even if symbolicly, and we assume will proceed down his new path on his own accord.
I have to say never have I identified with a character so well as Harry, it almost scared me and at times nearly drove me to a breaking point. the similarities run even to the depth of fear and loathing of returning to ones own Flat (despite my recent spring cleaning). This can be good and bad, the dropping feeling one gets when one walks in the door can be hard to swallow, but at the same time the endless and often aimless wonderings can be equally maddening. On the light side, while wondering with the dog to a pub in town with nice outside seating and dog friendly atmosphere (with my book of course), I bumped into an acquantance and spent the evening drinking and chatting with her and the local roller-durby team. What a pitty she has a boyfriend and is moving to Aukland to be with him. I do not want to define myself by others, but I need something or someone to clear the cob webs and bring a spring of hope to my soul. I won't go on, I'll spare you the tedium of reading every little detail of my current mental needy-ness. I have life and love and passion within, but it has slept for a long time, and needs to be broken free, and to finish this bit off, every attempt I have made at building, or re-building, or getting on with things has seemed to crumble, or be stiffled, by something. I will push on, I have pushed on, but I wonder, what are the limits of the soul?
Anyway, now I must get ready and pack. In the name of moving on, I am taking a trip north to see about getting a long-term relief job in Motueka (up around Able Tasman), it's a beutiful town, from the first time I went there I said "I would love to move here", let's hope I get the job, as I can't bear the thought of moving somewhere now just for a job, and need some excitement and anticipation in my life, and besides have seen nothing appealing enough to apply for. Wish me luck, wish me well, I wish you all the same. The world can be beutiful and cold and we all need each other to make it through, even if we forget it from time to time.
I have to say never have I identified with a character so well as Harry, it almost scared me and at times nearly drove me to a breaking point. the similarities run even to the depth of fear and loathing of returning to ones own Flat (despite my recent spring cleaning). This can be good and bad, the dropping feeling one gets when one walks in the door can be hard to swallow, but at the same time the endless and often aimless wonderings can be equally maddening. On the light side, while wondering with the dog to a pub in town with nice outside seating and dog friendly atmosphere (with my book of course), I bumped into an acquantance and spent the evening drinking and chatting with her and the local roller-durby team. What a pitty she has a boyfriend and is moving to Aukland to be with him. I do not want to define myself by others, but I need something or someone to clear the cob webs and bring a spring of hope to my soul. I won't go on, I'll spare you the tedium of reading every little detail of my current mental needy-ness. I have life and love and passion within, but it has slept for a long time, and needs to be broken free, and to finish this bit off, every attempt I have made at building, or re-building, or getting on with things has seemed to crumble, or be stiffled, by something. I will push on, I have pushed on, but I wonder, what are the limits of the soul?
Anyway, now I must get ready and pack. In the name of moving on, I am taking a trip north to see about getting a long-term relief job in Motueka (up around Able Tasman), it's a beutiful town, from the first time I went there I said "I would love to move here", let's hope I get the job, as I can't bear the thought of moving somewhere now just for a job, and need some excitement and anticipation in my life, and besides have seen nothing appealing enough to apply for. Wish me luck, wish me well, I wish you all the same. The world can be beutiful and cold and we all need each other to make it through, even if we forget it from time to time.