Old Friends
Wow. Happening across the blogs of old friends online. Weird.
I left a message announcing my presence. Wonder if it'll be answered. I'll keep posted. Why is it that I have the most uncanny ability to forgive, and I'm the least religious and least righteous of that group? I think only I know what I am talking about. I like it that way.
I'm in an odd place now. Calm. Decisive. I'm done with trying to be a good friend. I've been trying for years with lost causes. I deliver calls, unreturned. I deliver emails, unanswered. No response means you don't long to hear from me, right? I'm not the most secure monkey in the tree. Don't call me back and my tail might just unravel and I might just fall off and bonk my head on the lonely branch on my way down to the hard lesson of a ground. Well, I've met that ground. Again. And it doesn't hurt any less than it ever has before. I'm just more used to it, that's all. Well, that's just fine. I'd rather have just my family than have to try with yet another ungrateful-to-have-my-quite-unique-yet-sometimes-annoying-presence-in-their-life type of person. I'm tired. Mostly because I'm busy with my life. Busy trying to get by financially in California. Hard, have you tried doing it alone? I'm tired because I have shitty health. Even when I'm at my healthiest, I'm in constant pain and I ache more often than not, and I'm miserably tired and my head is always in a fog that would rival the best that Daly City could pump out on any given mid-day. It's too hard. I've been fighting the good fight for way too long in my short life. It's time I became as selfish as everyone else is proud to be. Want to hang out? That question will not cross my lips again in the near or distant future. I am not the organizer of everything friendly. I've learned that I'm the kind of person that has to beg to hang out with people. No one ever rearranges their plans to hang out with me. Even my family. And they love me and kind of have to be nice to me. That is, no one but my boyfriend. So when anyone says that I'd rather be around him and that I place him higher than any of my friends, yeah. I kind of do. He follows me around like a little puppy most of the time. And you know what? Good. Fuck anyone who thinks that's a bad thing. I'm a good person. Always have been. Everyone always has that to say about me at least. I may not be the most fun, or the most attractive, Goddess knows I've been told THAT too many times to count, or the most moral. But I'm nice. Less in recent months, I must admit. My fault? I hesitate to agree. I think that I've become so outwardly blatantly outgoing and teasing to everyone because I was ignored when I wasn't. I was sick of being ignored. I'm like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. I won't be ignored! But at least it's on my terms now. I'm no longer making those stupid comments designed to help me fit in but failing to do so and instead causing me to become even more of a social leper. Now I know when I'll sound stupid, I know when I'll sound smart, I know when I will sound funny, even if that's the majority.
I'm also tired of making excuses. Anyone says anything bad about me, I have a reason or an excuse. "Well, I have health problems, that's why I'm fat." Well, kind of. I also love food and have very little will power. I'd work out but I'm in an endless cycle of being too busy and being too unhealthy so I'm always too tired to do anything about it. But you know what? I'm good to talk to when you need advice about pretty much anything. And I'm great at customer service. And my boyfriend has no complaints. So, will everyone now just leave me alone and accept that I might change eventually, but I may not. And that's ok with me?
I left a message announcing my presence. Wonder if it'll be answered. I'll keep posted. Why is it that I have the most uncanny ability to forgive, and I'm the least religious and least righteous of that group? I think only I know what I am talking about. I like it that way.
I'm in an odd place now. Calm. Decisive. I'm done with trying to be a good friend. I've been trying for years with lost causes. I deliver calls, unreturned. I deliver emails, unanswered. No response means you don't long to hear from me, right? I'm not the most secure monkey in the tree. Don't call me back and my tail might just unravel and I might just fall off and bonk my head on the lonely branch on my way down to the hard lesson of a ground. Well, I've met that ground. Again. And it doesn't hurt any less than it ever has before. I'm just more used to it, that's all. Well, that's just fine. I'd rather have just my family than have to try with yet another ungrateful-to-have-my-quite-unique-yet-sometimes-annoying-presence-in-their-life type of person. I'm tired. Mostly because I'm busy with my life. Busy trying to get by financially in California. Hard, have you tried doing it alone? I'm tired because I have shitty health. Even when I'm at my healthiest, I'm in constant pain and I ache more often than not, and I'm miserably tired and my head is always in a fog that would rival the best that Daly City could pump out on any given mid-day. It's too hard. I've been fighting the good fight for way too long in my short life. It's time I became as selfish as everyone else is proud to be. Want to hang out? That question will not cross my lips again in the near or distant future. I am not the organizer of everything friendly. I've learned that I'm the kind of person that has to beg to hang out with people. No one ever rearranges their plans to hang out with me. Even my family. And they love me and kind of have to be nice to me. That is, no one but my boyfriend. So when anyone says that I'd rather be around him and that I place him higher than any of my friends, yeah. I kind of do. He follows me around like a little puppy most of the time. And you know what? Good. Fuck anyone who thinks that's a bad thing. I'm a good person. Always have been. Everyone always has that to say about me at least. I may not be the most fun, or the most attractive, Goddess knows I've been told THAT too many times to count, or the most moral. But I'm nice. Less in recent months, I must admit. My fault? I hesitate to agree. I think that I've become so outwardly blatantly outgoing and teasing to everyone because I was ignored when I wasn't. I was sick of being ignored. I'm like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. I won't be ignored! But at least it's on my terms now. I'm no longer making those stupid comments designed to help me fit in but failing to do so and instead causing me to become even more of a social leper. Now I know when I'll sound stupid, I know when I'll sound smart, I know when I will sound funny, even if that's the majority.
I'm also tired of making excuses. Anyone says anything bad about me, I have a reason or an excuse. "Well, I have health problems, that's why I'm fat." Well, kind of. I also love food and have very little will power. I'd work out but I'm in an endless cycle of being too busy and being too unhealthy so I'm always too tired to do anything about it. But you know what? I'm good to talk to when you need advice about pretty much anything. And I'm great at customer service. And my boyfriend has no complaints. So, will everyone now just leave me alone and accept that I might change eventually, but I may not. And that's ok with me?