Swirly! Cynacism!
Wow, lots of thoughts all swirled together.
I find it easier to write entries than to reply to comments. I wonder why. I think it's because replying to things requires explaining so much of my viewpoint, while I can assume more of it in entries. And I expect entries to be long, writing long comments feels tedious. Perceptions color reality.
I read Cherryh's "Wave Without Shore" today/yesterday. It was very good. It touches on points that I might want to write about at some point. Maybe this entry, maybe later. It's about personal realities. I believe in ~a~ reality, which is whatever is. And that I'm never going to fully understand it. But I also believe each person is affected by their own personal beliefs/perceptions/experiences such that they live in their own personal realities. And these are more important when interacting with someone than actual reality. This belief actually ends up causing me mild problems. But I still hold it.
Because usually when people state things I don't agree with... such as things I have done or my motivations or "you hurt me" I will simply be sort of stuck and say, okay, sorry you were hurt. Because often in my reality, I have done nothing wrong. I admit, sometimes I do do things wrong, but then I try to apologize. And I won't admit to their beliefs having validity to me when they do not, nor will I deny their beliefs to be real. If you think I hurt you, then I did. If you think something is some way, then it is for you. And why should I think my view is so much better for you than yours. Some things I debate, some I don't. And when I get to something I view as unarguable, I just sort of stop. And this annoys some people.
It's amusing how often people want me to be other than I am. And I think this happens to everyone. Because people see potential. And they see their own personal views of people. And they never perfectly match a real person. When things are good people just want to change little things. When bad, *shrugs* I don't really understand the idea of accepting someone and not accepting the things that they do. Those things are a function of who they are. You either accept someone or you don't. Of course, you can try to help people grow and approve, but you have to accept the person first. I don't mind being rejected, at least, I don't think I would. At least not by most people. But I do mind being accepted and then often disliked. I prefer to be accepted or rejected. But if you keep disliking and disapproving of me, then why do you hang out with me? Just leave me in peace to be myself.
I like the heart of a lot of ways of thinking more than I like all that has grown up around them. I like the basic scientific method. I like the concept that we should use evidence and reality above all else. If it doesn't match our theories, we change the ~theories~. That observation trumps equations.
The argument that I used to find weakest for things worries me more and more with time. Back when I used to debate theists every so often I'd hear, but so many people believe... And that always seemed to completely irrelevant. But environmental effects scare me. If I, or most people I know, had grown up back in some arbitrary past then they probably would be certain that spirits and magic and witchcraft exist. It worries me to realize that the certainty that it doesn't is a recent phenomenon. And it's not based on proof. It's based on having explanations for many things. Of course, it's not disprovable, which is a point against. But I thought about it today and I realized that magic has had a higher effectiveness for me than modern science. The few times I've dabbled in the supernatural have all worked. Many of my science labs did not. My coffee cup calorimete gained energy. It made it hard to write up the lab about how much energy it lost over time. I had to assume that there was enough sunlight from the window during the course of the lab to heat the water or we really screwed up. My conservation labs never worked. Yet things would appear beyond all likelihood when I asked for them, people stopped picking on me when I asked a demon to make it stop. And more... Which rationally I am supposed to write off all of it as coincidence. Yet the scientific methods tell me that the evidence is on its side. Which means, for me, scientific rationality as a system contradicts itself. Not the heart of it, but the way we view it as a society. So normally I just put these thoughts aside to keep some semblance of sanity as our culture considers sanity. And wonder.
I want to be sane. I want to understand the universe. I wonder if it'll be friends with me...
And I wonder what future generations will be so sure about. And which things they'll wonder how we could be so stupid about. And I assume they will, because we do that for the past, so why shouldn't we? I try not to. I want to keep perspective. I am not better than them just because I received a better education, if I did. Nor am I worse for not knowing things humans haven't discovered yet. I like to assume we're making progress. It's a comfortable assumption. And I wonder if we lost something. I need to reread _Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance_. I remember it had something along these lines, but I do not remember it well at all. And when I read it, my own enlightenment was too fresh, and it was mostly depressing. What I primarily remember was a great sense of sadness and waste that he got so close and yet from just missing something small went insane. That he didn't have to. If I recall correctly, he just didn't realize that multiple paths can all be good, and they lead to essentially the same place. That the details don't matter. Just like it wouldn't matter which koan you focused on. I wonder what my view of it would be now.
"There are surely joys in madness that only the mad do know."
I wish I really were able to write down ideas with enough of their surrounding context to make them make sense. I love HTML. I dreamed of HTML before it existed. It's my perfect medium, something capable of taking writing and giving it the 3 dimensional quality my thoughts have, having things branching off into associations without losing the original thread. I loved for it so much and thought I'd never have it. And now I have it and am too lazy to use it properly.
It's late... I shouldn't write when it's late. I say too much. Maybe because I have less to lose and thus can afford openness more. Or maybe because I feel time passing too quickly. And often lately there's a sense that I'm not going to have enough time to do what I want. Which is odd, since there isn't really anything I want to do. Yet I feel like I'm running low on time.
I find it easier to write entries than to reply to comments. I wonder why. I think it's because replying to things requires explaining so much of my viewpoint, while I can assume more of it in entries. And I expect entries to be long, writing long comments feels tedious. Perceptions color reality.
I read Cherryh's "Wave Without Shore" today/yesterday. It was very good. It touches on points that I might want to write about at some point. Maybe this entry, maybe later. It's about personal realities. I believe in ~a~ reality, which is whatever is. And that I'm never going to fully understand it. But I also believe each person is affected by their own personal beliefs/perceptions/experiences such that they live in their own personal realities. And these are more important when interacting with someone than actual reality. This belief actually ends up causing me mild problems. But I still hold it.
Because usually when people state things I don't agree with... such as things I have done or my motivations or "you hurt me" I will simply be sort of stuck and say, okay, sorry you were hurt. Because often in my reality, I have done nothing wrong. I admit, sometimes I do do things wrong, but then I try to apologize. And I won't admit to their beliefs having validity to me when they do not, nor will I deny their beliefs to be real. If you think I hurt you, then I did. If you think something is some way, then it is for you. And why should I think my view is so much better for you than yours. Some things I debate, some I don't. And when I get to something I view as unarguable, I just sort of stop. And this annoys some people.
It's amusing how often people want me to be other than I am. And I think this happens to everyone. Because people see potential. And they see their own personal views of people. And they never perfectly match a real person. When things are good people just want to change little things. When bad, *shrugs* I don't really understand the idea of accepting someone and not accepting the things that they do. Those things are a function of who they are. You either accept someone or you don't. Of course, you can try to help people grow and approve, but you have to accept the person first. I don't mind being rejected, at least, I don't think I would. At least not by most people. But I do mind being accepted and then often disliked. I prefer to be accepted or rejected. But if you keep disliking and disapproving of me, then why do you hang out with me? Just leave me in peace to be myself.
I like the heart of a lot of ways of thinking more than I like all that has grown up around them. I like the basic scientific method. I like the concept that we should use evidence and reality above all else. If it doesn't match our theories, we change the ~theories~. That observation trumps equations.
The argument that I used to find weakest for things worries me more and more with time. Back when I used to debate theists every so often I'd hear, but so many people believe... And that always seemed to completely irrelevant. But environmental effects scare me. If I, or most people I know, had grown up back in some arbitrary past then they probably would be certain that spirits and magic and witchcraft exist. It worries me to realize that the certainty that it doesn't is a recent phenomenon. And it's not based on proof. It's based on having explanations for many things. Of course, it's not disprovable, which is a point against. But I thought about it today and I realized that magic has had a higher effectiveness for me than modern science. The few times I've dabbled in the supernatural have all worked. Many of my science labs did not. My coffee cup calorimete gained energy. It made it hard to write up the lab about how much energy it lost over time. I had to assume that there was enough sunlight from the window during the course of the lab to heat the water or we really screwed up. My conservation labs never worked. Yet things would appear beyond all likelihood when I asked for them, people stopped picking on me when I asked a demon to make it stop. And more... Which rationally I am supposed to write off all of it as coincidence. Yet the scientific methods tell me that the evidence is on its side. Which means, for me, scientific rationality as a system contradicts itself. Not the heart of it, but the way we view it as a society. So normally I just put these thoughts aside to keep some semblance of sanity as our culture considers sanity. And wonder.
I want to be sane. I want to understand the universe. I wonder if it'll be friends with me...
And I wonder what future generations will be so sure about. And which things they'll wonder how we could be so stupid about. And I assume they will, because we do that for the past, so why shouldn't we? I try not to. I want to keep perspective. I am not better than them just because I received a better education, if I did. Nor am I worse for not knowing things humans haven't discovered yet. I like to assume we're making progress. It's a comfortable assumption. And I wonder if we lost something. I need to reread _Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance_. I remember it had something along these lines, but I do not remember it well at all. And when I read it, my own enlightenment was too fresh, and it was mostly depressing. What I primarily remember was a great sense of sadness and waste that he got so close and yet from just missing something small went insane. That he didn't have to. If I recall correctly, he just didn't realize that multiple paths can all be good, and they lead to essentially the same place. That the details don't matter. Just like it wouldn't matter which koan you focused on. I wonder what my view of it would be now.
"There are surely joys in madness that only the mad do know."
I wish I really were able to write down ideas with enough of their surrounding context to make them make sense. I love HTML. I dreamed of HTML before it existed. It's my perfect medium, something capable of taking writing and giving it the 3 dimensional quality my thoughts have, having things branching off into associations without losing the original thread. I loved for it so much and thought I'd never have it. And now I have it and am too lazy to use it properly.
It's late... I shouldn't write when it's late. I say too much. Maybe because I have less to lose and thus can afford openness more. Or maybe because I feel time passing too quickly. And often lately there's a sense that I'm not going to have enough time to do what I want. Which is odd, since there isn't really anything I want to do. Yet I feel like I'm running low on time.