haha this took 2 hours to write and I'm not cutting it

[leofairy]

So we partayed today at casa de beki and for some reason best known to the intricate workings of her mind she early into the day decides to announce something about elly and tim, ugh, without warning, thanks a lot. (Lowdown: tim is someone I believe she knows through either old friend loz or old {first} bf pete, who she has kept in contact with, I

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[leofairy]

That was a very long comment and I don't mean to be rude, but I sort of didn't really absorb much of it. I don't just act childlike, half the time I am extremely childish and generally don't understand when people give me well structured, encouraging opinions and advice, mainly because my own thoughts and feelings are anything BUT structured and most of the time I can't really grasp them well enough to make coherent sentences out of them, and I seem to have regressed to the attention span of a dead gnat. I find it hard to read or listen to someone trying to help me like that (and my therapist does, which is why I have the ever present vague guilt Mum is paying her to talk to me for no reason) because I don't understand how I can make it fix things, and I generally can't remember what I've been told five minutes afterwards. However, I'll give it a go at the bits I understand...

She didn't want anything out of it except for me to leave her alone, if we're going with option A.

And I tend to believe people when they say negative things, because they have more reason to tell the truth than people being nice, usually. I'm far more mistrustful of someone telling me something positive because people DO just do that to make you cheer up, whereas most people wont put you down unless it's about something Actively Annoying or otherwise distressing to them, they're less likely to fake it.

There really isnt anything more to my personality except what is to do with other people, either my reactions to them or what I copy and steal from them, than what was there when I was about eight. I like ponies, and eating chocolate until I am sick. That's about it, that isn't to do with other people, and as I LOATHE children or people as dim as them, I am therefore quite keen to ignore myself.

I miss being intelligent. I mean the sort of intelligent where I can read something, understand it and apply it to something else, whether it's English homework or advice. I just sort of ground to a halt a few years ago and just feel like a moronic lump most of the time, now.