haha this took 2 hours to write and I'm not cutting it

[leofairy]

So we partayed today at casa de beki and for some reason best known to the intricate workings of her mind she early into the day decides to announce something about elly and tim, ugh, without warning, thanks a lot. (Lowdown: tim is someone I believe she knows through either old friend loz or old {first} bf pete, who she has kept in contact with, I

Comments

[nolongerhome]

Just becase some people don't like you, find you too intense, whatever... that doesn't make you a bad person. Even if it is the majority of people that think that, that doesn't make you a person.

You act how you feel appropriate. In my opinion, its quite a mature outlook in some ways because you are very serious about your relationships with other people. Some people will not get that. Some people will find it hard to handle, will say that it is wierd. What you need to think about is whether you would prefer to see the world more like they did.

I think you will come to the conclusion that your real feelings, for all that they can cause issues, are a reflection of who you are and that you would much rather them than the sort of vapid, superficial thoughts the people that criticise you have.

You had a relationship which you put a lot into. It didn't work out. The person you were with didn't appreciate you for as you are, they wanted something that you have no intention giving. That doesn't make you a bad person! It makes you a strong person. You are still young, for all you desire it your life won't fall neatly into place just as you want it right now. You are taking that to mean there is something wrong with who you are and what you want, when it is actually the norm. The fact you were so young when you were in the relationship with Elly suggests that she hadn't (still hasn't by the sounds of it) grown up as much as you have. You guys are at different places in life.

Just because other people don't apreciate your good qualities doesn't make change the fact that they ARE good qualities. It is puzzling to me that you have more respect for those that put you down for who you are than you have for yourself.

You will find someone that appreciates you for you. I really hope that you start to appreciate you for you, though, because it would speed up that process ;) You need to have the courage of your convictions - they won't make life easy, they won't make things work all the time, but they make your life your life, and that is what is important.

You can be good to other people and still be you. You don't have to turn off that emotion - those emotions actually make you more tuned in to other people (which is probably why you are so affected by their opinion). You need to work out who your real friends are - you are out of school now, which is a good thing, you can leave all that shit behind and actually go about finding your own way in the world and meeting the kind of people you want to meet.

I'm not going to pretend that your personality is going to make life easy for you. I understand, because there are some similarities between us for all our differences. You've just got to realise that easy doesn't equal good. A superficial life isn't going to bring you happiness, so why should you seek approval of those that only want you to be superficial with them? Be yourself, because to do that is to live a much fuller life than all those others.

I know there is nothing I can say that will just make you satisfied with yourself at the click of my fingers, but I really think this is the direction in which you need to move yourself. There are qualities about you that you like, but right now wished you didn't because it has made some situations harder in the past. Gradually you need to get into contact with those again and appreciate them. You aren't ever going to be happy unless you are happy with yourself, no matter what other people think of you.

[leofairy]

That was a very long comment and I don't mean to be rude, but I sort of didn't really absorb much of it. I don't just act childlike, half the time I am extremely childish and generally don't understand when people give me well structured, encouraging opinions and advice, mainly because my own thoughts and feelings are anything BUT structured and most of the time I can't really grasp them well enough to make coherent sentences out of them, and I seem to have regressed to the attention span of a dead gnat. I find it hard to read or listen to someone trying to help me like that (and my therapist does, which is why I have the ever present vague guilt Mum is paying her to talk to me for no reason) because I don't understand how I can make it fix things, and I generally can't remember what I've been told five minutes afterwards. However, I'll give it a go at the bits I understand...

She didn't want anything out of it except for me to leave her alone, if we're going with option A.

And I tend to believe people when they say negative things, because they have more reason to tell the truth than people being nice, usually. I'm far more mistrustful of someone telling me something positive because people DO just do that to make you cheer up, whereas most people wont put you down unless it's about something Actively Annoying or otherwise distressing to them, they're less likely to fake it.

There really isnt anything more to my personality except what is to do with other people, either my reactions to them or what I copy and steal from them, than what was there when I was about eight. I like ponies, and eating chocolate until I am sick. That's about it, that isn't to do with other people, and as I LOATHE children or people as dim as them, I am therefore quite keen to ignore myself.

I miss being intelligent. I mean the sort of intelligent where I can read something, understand it and apply it to something else, whether it's English homework or advice. I just sort of ground to a halt a few years ago and just feel like a moronic lump most of the time, now.

[leofairy]

I'm now deeply concerned that I've offended you when you were only being helpful, and will keep bombarding you with apologetic comments until I am convinced otherwise. (See what I meant about the attention seeking sycophant?)

Sorry. I'm very bad at accepting offered help unless I have wound myself up into the state where I DEMAND it from unsuspecting people in fits of hysteria, and then have no idea what to do about it. I'm very healthy, obviously.