haha this took 2 hours to write and I'm not cutting it

[leofairy]

So we partayed today at casa de beki and for some reason best known to the intricate workings of her mind she early into the day decides to announce something about elly and tim, ugh, without warning, thanks a lot. (Lowdown: tim is someone I believe she knows through either old friend loz or old {first} bf pete, who she has kept in contact with, I

Comments

[leofairy]

I'm afraid you might come to find that I'm an awesome bubbly person on paper (or in pixels) and a wonderful concoction of dull and demanding in person. There is very little about the myself that people meet that is MYSELF, I attentionseek and play up to things, and copy people in a way that may be flattering but is also Life Plagarism. My relationship with Elly was one of the few places I a) didnt have any of those traits in place and b) was one of the few things I was interested in for myself, not because someone else brought it into my life. To find out it was a load of bollocks therefore really does piss all over my self worth, because me acting as I would naturally and how I thought appropriate = shot down and labelled crazy stalking bitch that's way too draining to have real FEELINGS for. There are very few people not intimidated by or even critical of the sort of obsessive attention I naturally give and demand back, and while I may meet one that likes me, until then I just rattle around whinging on about the same old same old, because I have nothing else to focus on. I'm not interested in anything to do with me unless other people are involved, I have very little respect for and do not particularly want to be better aquainted with myself, and am quite happy to just be good to other people. That makes me feel good.

[nolongerhome]

Just becase some people don't like you, find you too intense, whatever... that doesn't make you a bad person. Even if it is the majority of people that think that, that doesn't make you a person.

You act how you feel appropriate. In my opinion, its quite a mature outlook in some ways because you are very serious about your relationships with other people. Some people will not get that. Some people will find it hard to handle, will say that it is wierd. What you need to think about is whether you would prefer to see the world more like they did.

I think you will come to the conclusion that your real feelings, for all that they can cause issues, are a reflection of who you are and that you would much rather them than the sort of vapid, superficial thoughts the people that criticise you have.

You had a relationship which you put a lot into. It didn't work out. The person you were with didn't appreciate you for as you are, they wanted something that you have no intention giving. That doesn't make you a bad person! It makes you a strong person. You are still young, for all you desire it your life won't fall neatly into place just as you want it right now. You are taking that to mean there is something wrong with who you are and what you want, when it is actually the norm. The fact you were so young when you were in the relationship with Elly suggests that she hadn't (still hasn't by the sounds of it) grown up as much as you have. You guys are at different places in life.

Just because other people don't apreciate your good qualities doesn't make change the fact that they ARE good qualities. It is puzzling to me that you have more respect for those that put you down for who you are than you have for yourself.

You will find someone that appreciates you for you. I really hope that you start to appreciate you for you, though, because it would speed up that process ;) You need to have the courage of your convictions - they won't make life easy, they won't make things work all the time, but they make your life your life, and that is what is important.

You can be good to other people and still be you. You don't have to turn off that emotion - those emotions actually make you more tuned in to other people (which is probably why you are so affected by their opinion). You need to work out who your real friends are - you are out of school now, which is a good thing, you can leave all that shit behind and actually go about finding your own way in the world and meeting the kind of people you want to meet.

I'm not going to pretend that your personality is going to make life easy for you. I understand, because there are some similarities between us for all our differences. You've just got to realise that easy doesn't equal good. A superficial life isn't going to bring you happiness, so why should you seek approval of those that only want you to be superficial with them? Be yourself, because to do that is to live a much fuller life than all those others.

I know there is nothing I can say that will just make you satisfied with yourself at the click of my fingers, but I really think this is the direction in which you need to move yourself. There are qualities about you that you like, but right now wished you didn't because it has made some situations harder in the past. Gradually you need to get into contact with those again and appreciate them. You aren't ever going to be happy unless you are happy with yourself, no matter what other people think of you.

[leofairy]

That was a very long comment and I don't mean to be rude, but I sort of didn't really absorb much of it. I don't just act childlike, half the time I am extremely childish and generally don't understand when people give me well structured, encouraging opinions and advice, mainly because my own thoughts and feelings are anything BUT structured and most of the time I can't really grasp them well enough to make coherent sentences out of them, and I seem to have regressed to the attention span of a dead gnat. I find it hard to read or listen to someone trying to help me like that (and my therapist does, which is why I have the ever present vague guilt Mum is paying her to talk to me for no reason) because I don't understand how I can make it fix things, and I generally can't remember what I've been told five minutes afterwards. However, I'll give it a go at the bits I understand...

She didn't want anything out of it except for me to leave her alone, if we're going with option A.

And I tend to believe people when they say negative things, because they have more reason to tell the truth than people being nice, usually. I'm far more mistrustful of someone telling me something positive because people DO just do that to make you cheer up, whereas most people wont put you down unless it's about something Actively Annoying or otherwise distressing to them, they're less likely to fake it.

There really isnt anything more to my personality except what is to do with other people, either my reactions to them or what I copy and steal from them, than what was there when I was about eight. I like ponies, and eating chocolate until I am sick. That's about it, that isn't to do with other people, and as I LOATHE children or people as dim as them, I am therefore quite keen to ignore myself.

I miss being intelligent. I mean the sort of intelligent where I can read something, understand it and apply it to something else, whether it's English homework or advice. I just sort of ground to a halt a few years ago and just feel like a moronic lump most of the time, now.

[leofairy]

I'm now deeply concerned that I've offended you when you were only being helpful, and will keep bombarding you with apologetic comments until I am convinced otherwise. (See what I meant about the attention seeking sycophant?)

Sorry. I'm very bad at accepting offered help unless I have wound myself up into the state where I DEMAND it from unsuspecting people in fits of hysteria, and then have no idea what to do about it. I'm very healthy, obviously.

[nolongerhome]

I'll make a little reading suggestion here. Ayn Rand - The Fountainhead. It isn't the easiest read in the world, it is kind of intellectual, but the story is compelling and it is about the idea of being your own individual in the face of the criticism of others, that being who you are is the only way to be satisfied... It is a work of fiction first and foremost, I'm not making you read dense philosophy... Rand has an overall philosophy which I can not entirely agree with, but I think that there is something in it that could help you. I read it recently and it helped make me more aware of what is important to me and how I don't particularly care what others think about it. You might also want to check out Alain de Botton's Consolations of Philosophy, particularly the section on Epicurus which I think is a good way of starting to get to understand what you really want in life.

I don't mean to lecture, it is a bad habit of mine (it is ok to admit to bad habits, it doesn't make you inherently bad to have a few of those!). I stand by how I described you before.

I'm looking forward to actually meeting you :)

[cookiedough]

i love you but if you want to help her you have to talk like a normal person, not like a book/parent. i am sorry. i know you have the best possible intentions so it is hard to say, but it just sounds kindly condescending and hard to take in.

by the way i said from the night we MET that Doug was repressing and terrified. it was very, very obvious. i thought you thought that too?

[leofairy]

I dont feel condescended, I just...don't really know what to do with all the suggestions. My brain just wont let me take stuff in when it's phrased like an adult would. It shouldn't, because I AM an adult, and it should be on an adult to adult level, but I still act and think like a toddler, most of the time.

There were far too many uses of 'adult' in there.

[nolongerhome]

Don't worry, I'm certainly not offended.

I'm not exactly the best person to be telling someone how to improve their mental health, so it is entirely possible what I said made no sense at all.

It might be easier if we talked in person *shrugs*

But you really have to stop putting yourself down at every possible occaison. Most of it is only true because you continue to make it true.