So Long Ago... I Don't Remember When, That's When They Say I Lost My Only Friend...
By the dates of my previous entries- I can see it's been awhile since I've explored this site. Haha, isn't odd how delving into someone elses past helps you remember your own? I spent the past 30 minutes skimming through what I posted back in '05. I had to delete most of them. Funny how much you can change over a couple of years. I really am too critical now! Ha, telling myself how much of a dumbass I used to be. I'm not too much different now. I still make the same ridiculous rash decisions. The difference is that this time I know the choice I should have explored.
To Whom It May Concern:
It was never about love. If I made my decisions based on what my heart told me to do vs. my head, I would have been by your side, chewing on your earlobe in a New York minute. Ha, I listen to my head. It's only a tad more logical than my heart. It's about survival. It's about what's easiest. However, the situation is complicated. I've always had a hard time with ending a relationship, whether it was with a friend or boyfriend. In order to make a clean break, I would always do something unforgivable. Imagine my surprise when I punched one in the face, only to get a phone call a few hours later as he cried and told me he would have sex with me... We have some masochists out here in VA! I don't think there's one male influence in my life that I haven't either: A- Made him cry. Or B- Scared him to death with the information I was running around with. I know no boundaries. I remember only one time where I wish I could have cried for hurting someone... It was the summer of '06... I was being dropped off. I took one last gaze at those teary green eyes before watching him drive off in his new Chrysler.... I laid down in the driveway that night... Used to be a hobby of mine... I'd watch the stars while lying between my mothers Civic and my fathers Altima... Rarely I would hop on the hood of my car... I'd count the stars, make wishes on what I hoped was a shooting star and not a sattellite. I wished I could stop being so indecisive. Although that's the character trait that practically defines me, I wished it away. When I was 4, I wished to be Snow White for Halloween. Now, at 20 years old, I realize that all the wishes I've ever made, from age 4 and up- were completely within my control. It was MY choice to decide whether or not I wanted to be Snow White. And it was in MY control if I no longer wished to be so damn indecisive.
I realized I was in love for the first time when I was 18. I had an exam early in the morning so I jumped into bed around 11PM after battling an Anthropology-Induced-Migraine. I woke up around 1AM and could not get the idea of the boy out of my mind... Drove 2 hours to see him that morning. I missed my exam. The odd part was that I didn't care that I had condemned my academic career. I had an amazing time just enjoying what was waiting for me downstairs.
I've asked myself several times over the past months, "I know I love him... So why am I here and not there?"
I've found the answer to go back to survival. In order to succeed in life, you need an education. No questions asked. Whenever he was around, I was constantly distracted and unable to focus. He pointed out that I lacked focus several times during our "Downstairs Discussions." It took me awhile that the cause was my desire to be with him rather than go to class. Silly, isn't it? He's the song in the car... follows me everywhere in this town. I continue to be amazed by his wit and intelligence. I only doubt his criticism. His means of pointing out the flaws in others so that his appear dismal in comparison. I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night...