Emotions
I am so mad and sad and everything still wrighting to you last night helped me only then this morning I woke up still angry and very sad the sadness that I am feeling is unclear to me I dont know how to make it subside. I looked arround the room this morning at my friends and they are going about everything like it is normal Robin is wanting to go out to Denver as usual Chris wants to smoke and Joey is trying to figure out newyears, me on the other hand I am just trying to figure out today, I dont care about new years or any other day just today and I am struggleing with that. I feel a very deep tension bvetween myself Robin and Chris this is not new though I have been feeling this tension for a while but at certain times it is alot stronger like right now they are all here and the tension is very there in my mind I dont know if they feel it aswell but I do and I want it to go away. I wish things were the way they were before when I did not feel the tension I only felt he friendship, its like I feel like my friendships are comeing to an end however badly I dont want them to. I am going to be starting my job soon maybe not being around as much will help me out, I know that i will feel better because I will regain a certain level of independence again. I need to get out of Chris and Robins moms house soon it is streesing her out I can see it, but that is not the only thing that is stressing in her house by me liveing here my relationships with Robin and Chris have went down hill and it feels like we have grone apart. I feel as though I cant trust anyone I dont even think that I can trust myself. This is because I have place myself into so many not so plesent situations in life. I used to have feelings of great confidence and now it seems that that has drifted I am becomeing more and more closed up inside and I am doing that because I am trying to make myself feel safe and the more I try that the less safe I actually feel. I want to go back home to oregon so bad to see my grandma and see if she is okay I have not talked to her in so long she wants me to come and live with her well she did the last time that I talked to her. What to do what to do.... I dont know.