(no subject)
its been three months since fatima broke up with me, so why do i still get so depressed and wish so much to go out with her again and to be with her, even though she put me through so much pain and misery i wish i was still her boyfriend, i wish we could be the same friends that we once were, i hardly ever get to see her execpt for maybe 30 mins every week at school, we never hang out during the oportunities that we do have, i know im very busy working 40hrs and doing all of this work, but i've always made time for her and she has for me, but not anymore, both of us have thursday night as sort of an off night but anytime i try to hang out or call her she is always busy or just doesn't feel like hanging out, she hasn't worked for three weeks and in all of that time the only time we hung out was on her birthday, i dont know why i care so much, it obvious to me sometimes that she does not want to talk to me or hang out and it makes me feel like trash when her phone dies and instead of calling me back on her home phone she just goes to sleep, here i am calling and calling trying to get through and she just says 'oh well im going to sleep", she could have at least called back and said her phone died and she is tired, but i already knew she wasn't going to call back, its happened so many time that i know she isn't going to call back, but i still try to call her, not out of any reason, but bc i really just want to talk to her, i tell her that i miss her and she says ok, tears fill my eyes as my throat closes up when i can't find the works to let out the hurt i feel inside, but all she can do is say ok and go on with whatever she is doing, nothing phases her, she is bent on showing no sympathy, but i still love her, not bc i want to, i know i shouldn't love someone who doesnt care about you enough to have some common descency, enough to call me back, but i can't stop loving her, no matter how long i spend away from her or how much i hate her at times and truely wish she could feel every bit of what i feel, to the point to suicide, i still love her, i really hate myself at times for letting this happen to me, i hate myself for giving her so much, but through all of this i still love her and want the best, even if it means continuing to shoulder all of the blame, anger, fear, sadness, despair, and longing that i unfortunately must celebrate today on the third month since she broke my heart, i guess that am slowing coming to the a sort of self-realization, a image of myself that will persist for eternity