Alone again
So I guess that after 3 years of online struggle, I'm just alone again. Thought Lois finally quit her job, she has to work for the remainder of the week. Allegedly she would finally have time to meet this Sunday but I can already see her saying she'll be busy with something. Of course I'll have to wait and see what happens, but it's hard to be optimistic with her. Last night we had a stupid misunderstanding because facebook only showed half of her answers so as I didn't answer to halfbof what she said she thought I was upset. I tried to explain her in whatsapp and although it appears she read it, she didn't say anything, may be she didn't believe me... In any case we only talk an hour a day if much. But altought it could get better since next week, I feel that altough days themselves go by fast, time stands still and.good things are nowhere to be seen. Not to mention my dangerous and awful lack of motivation when trying to work on my graduation project article.
I also had a disappointment when learning that I need 24 thousand euros for living costs for three years in order to get a students visa for Germany. So good bye to that dream.
The title it's because I am back to the situation I was before my online days, where I had no outlet at all for the things that bother me. For start I never was an emotionally healthy person, it always made me feel even worst than my problems the fact of not having anyone to share them with.
That bothersa and makes me sad at the same time. And of course it's very related to Julia. Right now I am feeling that I actually ruined the friendship; I feel guilty about talking with her anything that is not chit chat and I shouldn't be mentioning anything that really bothers me emotionally. I know she said I should be using my common sense to figure out what to tell her but I can't figure it out; my common sense it's clouded and I would like to let out all the things that bother me, but it feels wrong now.
It seems I lost the only friend I had left who started conversations with me. With the rest I always have to be the one who starts a conversation, and most of them are busy with their own things so we can rarely can have a real talk (my hands keep getting asleep typing on the phone, I don't know how the fuck people do it and it's pissing me off). Julia shared this situation so I wonder if she remembers this now. I can't help to get the impression that she's actively avoiding me. She says she doesn't get lonely, so I guess that even as a friend she never really needed me much at all. It's sad that there isn't really a way I can tell her all the things that bother me about our current situation without it looking like I'm demanding something from her or trying to make her feel guilty. I guess it shows the level of my unhealthy attachment, and I don't really know if there's any level at all of reason assisting me here. I mean, dammit, what was wrong with chatting two hours the three days she doesn't have school. If friends are only supposed to send a short message to each other once a week, and 'being there for each other' only applies when something really awful happens to one of them, well that is fucking depressing. Of course friends shouldn't be constrained to have fixed schedules to talk and I can't demand her to be there the times I mentioned, but if since I'm just starting this relationship with Lois and I can't share with her all the things that bother me, what am I supposed to do then? Just suck it up and bottle my frustration? Well it seema that's what others expect from ne, so I'll have to get back to feel like shit in silence. Ugh I know how much all this shit sounds like a guilt trip, and I hate it but that's how I feel.
I won't link this to Julia, I can imagine her saying something like "what you want from me ia not a friendship and I just can't give it to you so I guess we're done". Not that in the current state of things that would make much of a difference. I doubt she checks this blog unlesz I ask her to, so these words are only for myself, since here in this site everybody got tired of my shit. I'm not feeling any better after writing this because it's almost like talking to a wall, and that's also fucking depressing. That I am an attention seeker? Probably, because I barely get any.
Or I'm just a pathetic idiot trying to rationalize his immaturity, I don't know anymore...
Fuck everything
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
I also had a disappointment when learning that I need 24 thousand euros for living costs for three years in order to get a students visa for Germany. So good bye to that dream.
The title it's because I am back to the situation I was before my online days, where I had no outlet at all for the things that bother me. For start I never was an emotionally healthy person, it always made me feel even worst than my problems the fact of not having anyone to share them with.
That bothersa and makes me sad at the same time. And of course it's very related to Julia. Right now I am feeling that I actually ruined the friendship; I feel guilty about talking with her anything that is not chit chat and I shouldn't be mentioning anything that really bothers me emotionally. I know she said I should be using my common sense to figure out what to tell her but I can't figure it out; my common sense it's clouded and I would like to let out all the things that bother me, but it feels wrong now.
It seems I lost the only friend I had left who started conversations with me. With the rest I always have to be the one who starts a conversation, and most of them are busy with their own things so we can rarely can have a real talk (my hands keep getting asleep typing on the phone, I don't know how the fuck people do it and it's pissing me off). Julia shared this situation so I wonder if she remembers this now. I can't help to get the impression that she's actively avoiding me. She says she doesn't get lonely, so I guess that even as a friend she never really needed me much at all. It's sad that there isn't really a way I can tell her all the things that bother me about our current situation without it looking like I'm demanding something from her or trying to make her feel guilty. I guess it shows the level of my unhealthy attachment, and I don't really know if there's any level at all of reason assisting me here. I mean, dammit, what was wrong with chatting two hours the three days she doesn't have school. If friends are only supposed to send a short message to each other once a week, and 'being there for each other' only applies when something really awful happens to one of them, well that is fucking depressing. Of course friends shouldn't be constrained to have fixed schedules to talk and I can't demand her to be there the times I mentioned, but if since I'm just starting this relationship with Lois and I can't share with her all the things that bother me, what am I supposed to do then? Just suck it up and bottle my frustration? Well it seema that's what others expect from ne, so I'll have to get back to feel like shit in silence. Ugh I know how much all this shit sounds like a guilt trip, and I hate it but that's how I feel.
I won't link this to Julia, I can imagine her saying something like "what you want from me ia not a friendship and I just can't give it to you so I guess we're done". Not that in the current state of things that would make much of a difference. I doubt she checks this blog unlesz I ask her to, so these words are only for myself, since here in this site everybody got tired of my shit. I'm not feeling any better after writing this because it's almost like talking to a wall, and that's also fucking depressing. That I am an attention seeker? Probably, because I barely get any.
Or I'm just a pathetic idiot trying to rationalize his immaturity, I don't know anymore...
Fuck everything
Posted via m.livejournal.com.