Magic Kingdom (Episode 3.01) (1/2)
Title: Magic Kingdom (Episode 3.01)
Author: lennoxave
Pairing,Character(s): Ensemble
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~9,500
Spoilers: Glee: Through 2.22 "New York"
Summary: It's a new school year, and for New Directions, that means new members, new goals, and new drama. Also, for Nationals this year? They're going to Disney World, and god knows these kids are gonna spend the whole episode singing about it. A proposal for episode 3.01.
Author's Note: This is, like, the most experiment-y experimental fic I've ever written. Basically, I wrote this like it was an episode of the show, specifically the season 3 premiere, so there's not much in the way of getting inside the characters' thoughts because I'm only really writing what you would see onscreen. I set myself the parameters of working with what the show might conceivably do, so people are still going to be acting like fools (because that's pretty much the only consistently canon thing about any of them), and this piece has a lot of set-up because it functions as a premiere. I'm thinking this may be the start of a series, where I write out some select episodes of my personal fantasy season 3, and tie them together with a "Here's what you missed on Glee" thing, because 22 of anything is a whole lot. So, yeah. There are some OCs, because they can't just have the entire glee club graduate, and I've included Youtube links to all the songs within the body of the fic. I would love feedback about what things are working/not working for you, particularly as I've tried to write some of the more unique fantasy staging the show sometimes uses, and I have no idea how it's come across. Anyway, if you've actually read this whole paragraph, thanks, and I hope you enjoy!
So, here's what you missed on Glee: The glee club placed twelfth at Nationals in New York, because writing songs like a day before you have to perform them isn't a very good idea. Rachel realized she can still make out with a cute boy while she's waiting to graduate. Sam and Mercedes are together but keeping it a secret, and Brittany and Santana aren't together together because Santana won't come out. Karofsky was a huge bully, but he seems like he's starting to have a change of heart, maybe because he's also a sneaky gay who's still in the closet. Also, Sue's maybe trying to be a better person after her sister died? And Will and Emma are together, I think. Also, also, at some point the idea was floated in fandom that perhaps Kurt was a year behind most of the rest of the glee club? So let's pretend that he sat out a year while his mom was sick, and Artie was also held back a year when he had his accident, and Sam is only a junior this year, too. Because there's more dramatic potential for the finale if there are some people left behind.
. . . And that's what you missed, on Glee!
Magic Kingdom
It was the first day back at school, and the members of McKinley's own New Directions were in high spirits.
“We're seniors,” Tina said as she walked down the hallway with Mercedes and Mike. “I can't believe we're seniors.”
“I can't believe we've survived this long,” Mercedes sassed. The group passed Puck, Sam, and Artie heading in the other direction. Everyone nodded in greeting, but Mercedes and Sam held eye contact for just a little longer than the others.
“This year is going to kick ass,” Puck said, giving a fist pump. “Between glee and football, we are going to be freakin' champions.”
Across the hall, Finn and Rachel were chatting at his locker.
“I'm just saying, I think we should go back to our roots this year,” Finn said. “Classic rock is gonna make a comeback, I can feel it.”
“Sweetie,” Rachel looked up at him, “the origins of show choir are really in Broadway. So if we wanted to stick to our roots--”
Lauren walked by, cutting her off. “As long as Mr. Schue keeps not-rapping, I don't care what we do.”
Finn and Rachel looked at each other. “That's fair,” Rachel conceded.
A few feet away, Kurt rounded the corner and was met with a long line of girls waiting to sign up for Cheerios try-outs. The three leaving the sign-up sheet looked rather familiar.
“Really?” Kurt asked as he sashayed over to Quinn, Brittany, and Santana. “Charlie's Angels are joining up with the evil empire again?”
“You're mixing your pop culture metaphors, Johnny Weir,” Santana replied. “Spending all summer sucking face with your boyfriend really dulled your rapier wit.”
Kurt gave Santana a smirk that said both “well-played” and “you're a bitch,” and turned to Quinn for an actual answer.
“Sylvester's mellowed out,” she shrugged, “and a cheerleading scholarship is pretty much our only shot at getting out of this God-awful town.”
“Ah, yes. When you all abandon me to explore that magical, wondrous land called 'college'.”
“Are you saying you'll actually miss us when we're gone?” Santana grinned.
“I refuse to confirm nor deny anything.”
“Well, at least you'll have Artie and Sam to keep you company,” Brittany said.
“In other news: have you seen the glee audition sheet?” Quinn asked. Kurt shook his head and she pointed to a piece of paper on the far side of the bulletin board. He squinted as he read the first line.
“Auditions for Glee Club,” the sheet said. “Nationals this year are to be held at Disney World.”
Kurt let out a little gasp. “Disney?”
“It's no New York City,” Quinn said, “but it is the happiest place on earth.”
“And check it.” Santana pointed to the list of names. “There are actual, like, people who want to audition. Real ones.”
“I didn't know 'Ivana B. Ghey' went to our school,” Brittany said as she looked at the list.
“Okay, but a couple of them are still legit.”
“Ladies,” Kurt said, and he crooked his elbows so Brittany could loop her arm around one and Quinn could grab the other, “I think this could be the start of a beautiful year.”
Just then, Jacob Ben-Israel approached them. “Would any of you like to comment on the story that the glee club is a bunch of has-beens who peeked too early and keep repeating themselves to increasingly diminishing returns?”
Kurt sighed. “Or maybe not.”
* * *
“All right, guys,” Will said as everyone took their seats. “As you may have heard, this year Nationals is going to be held at Disney World!” The club let out appropriately excited hoots and hollers. “Now, with so many of our members graduating this year, we need to make recruitment a priority. So I'm thinking we should show the school just what New Directions is all about, Disney-style.”
New Directions filed into the cafeteria, the guys wearing red Mickey Mouse shirts the guys wearing red Mickey Mouse shirts and the girls wearing Disney Love shirts the girls wearing Disney Love shirts. The jazz band stood up from their table and moved to the corner where they had set up their instruments. On a nod from Mercedes, they began to play.
“Don't matter what you look like,” Mercedes sang. “Don't matter what you wear. How many rings you got on your finger. We don't care, no--”
“WE DON'T CARE!” the group shouted.
“Don't matter where you come from,” Artie picked up the tune. “Don't even matter what you are. A dog, a pig, a cow, a goat, had 'em all in here--”
“WE HAD 'EM ALL IN HERE!”
“And they all knew what they wanted.” It was Rachel's turn. “What they wanted me to do. I told 'em what they needed, just like I be telling you.”
The group broke out into some rudimentary partner swing-dancing as they sang the chorus together, with Mercedes taking the solo lines.
“You gotta dig a little deeper; find out who you are. You gotta dig a little deeper. It really ain't that far. When you find out who you are, you'll find out what you need. Blue skies and sunshine guaranteed. You gotta dig. You gotta dig.”
Sam sang the first part of the next verse. “Prince Froggy is a rich little boy, you want to be rich again. That ain't gonna make you happy now, did it make you happy then? No!”
Together, everyone sang, “Money ain't got no soul, money ain't got no heart.” Quinn sang the next solo. “All you need is some self-control, make yourself a brand-new start.”
They took another chorus the same way they did the first. “You gotta dig a little deeper; don't have far to go. You gotta dig a little deeper. Tell the people Mama told you so. Can't tell you what you'll find, maybe love will grant you peace of mind. Dig a little deeper and you'll know.”
As they sang, several people in the cafeteria took particular notice of the performance. A boy wearing a McKinley Titans t-shirt stood at the cashier's station. He peered at the glee club through his wire-rimmed glasses while he nodded along to the music, totally oblivious to the annoyed lunch lady waiting for him to pay.
Then there was a girl with red hair sitting by herself at a table a few yards away from him. She had a book in her hand, but she had stopped reading to watch the show.
Over by the garbage can, another girl was watching with rapt attention. She zeroed in on the girl singing lead who had her skin tone--Mercedes--and gave her an admiring smile. Mercedes smiled back as they launched into another chorus.
“You gotta dig a little deeper; for you it's gonna be tough.” David Karofsky looked up from his place at the football table, where most of the guys were laughing and making fun of the glee club. His face looked serious, though; there was almost a longing to it.
“You gotta dig a little deeper; you ain't dug near far enough. Dig down deep inside yourself, you'll find out what you need. Blue skies and sunshine guaranteed.”
Santana began wailing in the background as the chorus continued to sing, “Blue skies and sunshine guaranteed.”
Finally, they reached the end of the song, and Mercedes nailed the ending lick. There was silence in the cafeteria, and it seemed like it might be a repeat of their “Empire State of Mind” performance. Fortunately, applause started from the lunch ladies and continued to the student body, save the jocks.
It wasn't uproarious, but it was still progress.
* * *
Rachel stood in the middle of her room while Finn sat on the bed.
“Y'know, you don't always have to show me what you're doing for your glee assignment,” he said. “I mean, I love hearing you sing and all, but you don't need my approval. You're great no matter what you do.”
Rachel smiled a little. There was a sadness to it. “I know, Finn. And I appreciate your unwavering support. But I thought you should hear this song before the rest of the club does.” She hit play on her stereo and began to sing.
“I wanna be where the people are. I wanna see, wanna see 'em dancing, walkin' around on those . . . what do you call them? Oh, feet. Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far. Legs are required for jumpin', dancin', strollin' along down a . . . what's that word again? Street? Up where they walk, up where they run, up where they stay all day in the sun. Wanderin' free, wish I could be, part of that world.”
She looked very seriously at Finn. “I'm ready to know what the people know, ask 'em questions and get some answers. What's a fire and why does it . . . what's the word? Burn? When's it my turn? Wouldn't I love, love to explore that shore up above? Out of the sea, wish I could be, part of that world.”
When she finished, Finn sat silent for a moment. “That was about New York, wasn't it?” he finally said. Rachel nodded.
“I just . . . if we're going to keep doing this, I need to make sure you understand . . .”
“Rach,” Finn said as he got up and put his hands on her shoulders, “I get it. This is the time when we have to start making plans for the future. But can't we just . . . figure everything out when the time comes and enjoy what we have for now?”
Rachel relaxed and gave Finn a genuine smile. “I was hoping you'd say that.” She leaned in and hugged him. He hugged back, but his face fell when he was sure she wasn't looking.
* * *
Santana was busy looking through her locker for a tube of lip gloss when she heard the locker next to hers open. She glanced to her left.
“David Karofsky,” she sing-songed. “Fancy meeting you here. God, we just need to add Hummel and we'll have the gayest row of lockers this side of San Francisco.”
Karofsky shot her a look. “You know people can hear you, right?”
Santana rolled her eyes. “Nobody's listening. It's high school; they're too busy talking about each other to hear what we have to say.” She found her lip gloss and started applying it in the mirror on her locker door. “How was your summer?”
“Fantastic,” Karofsky groaned. “I learned to hate all of my friends because they say terrible things about people they don't realize are me and then tried not to lock myself in my room and die. You?”
“Oh, you know, ignored all of my feelings and somehow managed to keep myself from falling lips-first onto another girl's face. The usual.”
“All right then.” Karofsky shifted uncomfortably.
“Good talk,” Santana said flatly, closing her locker.
“By the way,” Karofsky said as she turned to go. “Are we still--” he paused as someone walked by, “--fake-dating?”
“Um, no?” Santana thought about it. “Yeah, I'm gonna go with no.”
“Okay. Uh, see you around,” Karofsky said.
“Right. Bye.”
* * *
Will walked into glee the next day with a stack of pizzas under his arm.
“Oh no,” Kurt said. “You're not trying to assuage your guilt for abandoning us to pursue your Broadway dreams again, are you?”
“No,” Will laughed. “I thought we would have a little pizza party at the start of rehearsal today in honor of our new members.”
“New members?” Rachel asked, and everyone looked at each other excitedly.
“Yep, I held auditions after school yesterday.” Will looked over his shoulder, “Come on in, guys!”
Three students entered the room. “First, we have Luke Champlain, a sophomore you may have seen around last year.” The boy in the glasses from the cafeteria gave them a sheepish wave. He was tall but not towering, bean-pole skinny with shaggy brown hair. He was a shade of pale that gave Kurt Hummel a run for his money.
“Next up is Lola Kenney, a freshman.” Lola was dressed very simply--jeans and a t-shirt, no make-up, no jewelry. Over her shoulder she carried a satchel that looked full-to-bursting with books, certainly more than McKinley's not-particularly strenuous curriculum would have required. She flashed the group a nervous smile and tucked a strand of long red hair behind her ear.
“And then we have another freshman, Abby Washington.” The final girl positively beamed at them.
“I'm so excited to be here!” Abby said, punctuating her last word with a bounce that made her skirt swish around her hips.
“Okay, you three have a seat,” Will said, and he signaled to the jazz band as he started handing out pizzas. “I have a song to welcome you to New Directions. And the rest of you can join in, because we want our new members to know that we're here for them and ready to give them whatever help they need.”
Will took a paper napkin off of the stack on the piano and draped it over his arm like a waiter. “ Be . . . our . . . guest! Be our guest! Put our service to the test.” He grabbed another napkin and handed it to Lola. “Tie your napkin 'round your neck, cherie, and we'll provide the rest.” He picked up a pizza box and glided across the room to Luke.
“Soup du jour, hot hors d'oeuvres, why, we only live to serve. Try the gray stuff, it's delicious. Don't believe me? Ask the dishes!” He gestured at Brittany and Mike while he turned to Abby. “They can sing, they can dance, after all, Miss, this is France! And a dinner here is never second best! Go on unfold your menu, take a glance and then you'll be our guest! Oui, our guest! Be our guest!”
The veterans of glee club all started rushing around the room doing silly dance moves while they sang back-up to their teacher.
“Beef ragout, cheese souffle, pie and pudding en flambe. We'll prepare and serve with flair a culinary cabaret! You're alone and you're scared, but the banquet's all prepared! No one's gloomy or complaining while the flatware's entertaining. We tell jokes! I do tricks! With my fellow candlesticks! And it's all in perfect taste that you can bet! Come on and lift your glass, you've won your own free pass to be our guest. If you're stressed, it's fine-dining I suggest. Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest!”
Somehow, they managed to bump up their exuberance level even more, much to the amusement of the newest additions to their ranks.
“Be our guest! Be our guest! Our command is your request. It's been years since we've had anybody here, and we're obsessed, with your meal, with your ease. Yes, indeed, we aim to please! While the candlelight's still glowing let us help you, we'll keep going . . .”
Mike grabbed the two new girls and pulled them into the line the others had formed, and Rachel took Luke by the hand and pulled him in as well. Then all sixteen members of New Directions and Will Schuester started a kick-line.
“Course by course! One by one! 'Til you shout, 'Enough, I'm done!' Then we'll sing you off to sleep while you digest! Tonight you'll prop your feet up, but for now let's eat up. Be our guest! Be our guest! Be our guest! Please, be our guest!”
As the band finished playing, the group danced around the choir room like crazy people until they collapsed into a heap laughing and eating pizza.
* * *
Artie rolled his way out of rehearsal dejectedly. Puck noticed and gave Lauren a quick good-bye kiss on the cheek before jogging after his friend.
“You okay, dude?” he asked.
“Yeah,” Artie replied. “I guess after seeing all the couples dancing together . . . I'm just bummed about being single.”
“Still friend-zoned with Brittany?” Puck asked. Artie just sighed. “Well, whatever. That's her loss, y'know? There are, like, a zillion fish in the sea. Did you check out those freshmen? Totally hot dolphins.”
“Dolphins aren't fish,” Artie pointed out as he stopped at his locker, but Puck was on a roll.
“I'm just sayin', you get to play the field. Enjoy it, man.”
Artie looked up at him. “Didn't we try doing that before, and I ended up with a girlfriend and you ended up almost getting sent back to juvie?”
Puck thought for a second. “Oh, yeah. Well, don't be a douche about it this time. Just go with the flow, let things happen, have some fun, and eventually everything will turn out okay. Hakuna matata, dude.”
Artie smirked. “Hakuna matata,” he sang, “what a wonderful phrase.”
Puck leaned over the back of Artie's wheelchair. “Hakuna matata, ain't no passin' craze.”
They both knew what song they were singing in glee this week.
“It means no worries,” Artie sang in the choir room the next day as Puck played guitar next to him, “for the rest of your days.”
“It's our problem-free,” they both sang, “philosophy: hakuna matata.”
The rest of the glee club grooved along to their performance. On their second pass through the chorus, the new guy stood up and started doing some vocal gymnastics over the top of it, like Simba did during the original. Artie gestured at Luke to come join him and Puck.
Kurt exchanged a look with Tina. “White boy can sing,” he said. He looked back to the front of the room, where the kid was dancing his way around Puck and Artie, and doing a way better job of it than Finn, Sam, or Puck could have. “White boy can dance, too.”
“He's got a little bit of a Justin Timberlake vibe,” Tina agreed. “Or maybe Jason Mraz; I haven't decided yet.”
“Are you thinking what I'm thinking?” Kurt asked. They both glanced over to the other side of the room, where Mercedes was sitting next to Rachel and bobbing her head along to the music.
“You want us to be Mercedes's gay and Asian yentas?” Tina said.
“You do have the Jewish street cred in your name.”
Tina considered it. “He does seem to have possibilities.”
“They could sing duets. It would be adorable.”
“All right, I'm down with hooking up our favorite soul-singing diva with a cute soul-singing man.”
“Guys?” Mike leaned over his girlfriend to talk to them both. “Don't you think you should maybe let Mercedes in on this scheme?”
“Nonsense,” Kurt sniffed.
“Sweetie, I love you, but you're getting in the way of a good plan,” Tina said, patting Mike on the arm. Mike raised his hand in defeat and leaned back in his chair. Kurt and Tina began whispering together as the three guys in the front finished their song. They were so distracted, in fact, that they missed the way Luke's eyes kept finding Quinn in the audience.
“It's our problem-free philosophy: hakuna matata.”
* * *
Brittany and Santana sat on the bed in Brittany's room, both of them hunched over a laptop.
“This is the cheesiest movie,” Santana complained.
“What? You think Aladdin is cheesy?” Brittany asked.
“Yeah. All this 'be yourself and other people will love you' nonsense. Not how the world works.”
Brittany frowned. “But Aladdin and Jasmine are cute together.”
“Lame,” Santana said. “Totally lame. Unrealistic.”
“You never dreamed about someone coming into your life and sweeping you off your feet?”
“When I was little, maybe.” Santana paused long enough that Brittany filled the silence.
“What happened?”
“I grew up,” Santana said. She turned her head to look Brittany in the eye. “I learned the world doesn't work like that.” She quickly looked away.
Brittany frowned harder. She didn't like when Santana got in one of these moods, although with all the romance found in Disney movies, she wasn't surprised it was happening.
“Okay, but you have to admit the music in this one is pretty awesome.”
Santana tilted her head in thought. “'Friend Like Me' is a good song, but 'A Whole New World' makes me want wretch like I just swallowed a vat of salmonella.”
Brittany giggled and started clicking things on her laptop. “What are you doing?” Santana asked.
“I-Tunes,” Brittany replied. “I know I have some Disney karaoke on here.”
“You are such a dork,” Santana rolled her eyes affectionately.
“Here!” Brittany exclaimed. Suddenly, the opening notes of “A Whole New World” began to fill the room.
Santana groaned.
“Oh, like you don't know all the words,” Brittany said.
“I don't,” insisted Santana.
“Prove it,” Brittany grinned, and she began to sing.
“I can show you the world.” She grabbed Santana's shoulder and started hamming it up, sounding earnest to the point of obnoxiousness. “Shining, shimmering, splendid. Tell me, princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?”
Brittany laughed, and Santana couldn't help but smile. And then return the goofy performance.
“I can open your eyes,” Santana sang right in Brittany's face, making the other girl crack up. “Take you wonder by wonder.” She got up on her knees, pretending to be riding the bed like it was some sort of magic-carpet surf board. “Over, sideways, and under on a magic carpet ride.”
Brittany began to imitate her. “A whole new world. A new fantastic point of view. No one to tell us no, or where to go, or say we're only dreaming.”
Santana turned her body to face Brittany and clasped her hands to her chest, mocking the overwrought emotions of the song as she picked up Jasmine's part. “A whole new world. A dazzling place I never knew,” she sang in her upper register. She lost her composure and broke out in a grin at the ridiculousness. “But when I'm way up here, it's crystal clear, that now I'm in a whole new world with you.”
Brittany sang Aladdin's lines. “Now I'm in a whole new world with you.”
Santana cut in and grabbed Brittany's hands. “Unbelievable sights. Indescribable feeling. Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling through an endless diamond sky.” She acted out the movie by releasing her grip on Brittany and covering her own eyes with her freed hands. “A whole new world!”
Brittany grabbed Santana's wrists and pulled her hands down just like she was supposed to. “Don't you dare close your eyes,” she sang, giggling.
“A hundred thousand things to see.”
“Hold your breath it gets better.”
Brittany was still holding her by the wrists. “I'm like a shooting star,” Santana sang. “I've come so far. I can't go back to where I used to be.”
As she sang, though, the lyrics suddenly hit her. Her expression, her whole demeanor immediately sobered up. She saw Brittany singing the words “A whole new world” and let herself fall into the fantasy of it. She was suddenly very sincere when she sang, “Every turn a surprise.”
“With new horizons to explore.”
“Every moment red-letter.”
They were both kneeling on the bed facing each other. Brittany linked their fingers together, and they looked into each other's eyes with a seriousness that hadn't been there thirty seconds before.
“I'll chase them anywhere,” they harmonized, “there's time to spare. Let me share this whole new world with you.”
“A whole new world,” Brittany sang.
“A whole new world,” echoed Santana.
“That's where we'll be.”
“That's where we'll be.” Tears were starting to form in Santana's eyes.
“A thrilling chase.” Brittany smiled so sweetly at her.
“A wondrous place,” Santana sang back, barely above a whisper. She reached up and placed a hand on Brittany's cheek.
“For you and me,” they sang together. As the instrumental outro played, Santana did something she had managed to stop herself from doing for the past six months. She leaned in and kissed Brittany.
They stayed like that until the music stopped. Brittany was the one to pull away.
“Does this mean you're ready?” she asked, her face shining with hope.
Santana looked down and her tears started falling. “No,” she whispered. “I'm sorry.”
Before Brittany could say anything, Santana had climbed off the bed and run out of the room.
* * *
Luke could not stop himself from staring at Quinn Fabray whenever he saw her. It was like a spotlight came down and a wind machine turned on and he was looking at the most beautiful girl in the world.
When another bout of this open-mouthed ogling happened as she walked past his locker after school, he decided he should figure out how to do something about it. He was just going to need some help.
“What are you guys up to?” Luke asked as he entered the choir room.
“Just having a little jam session,” Artie said, putting up his hand for a fist bump. It certainly looked like they were; Finn was at the drum kit and Sam and Puck both had their guitars out. Kurt and Mike had pulled up chairs next to Artie and were holding a shaker and a cowbell, respectively.
“You wanna join?” Puck asked.
“Maybe some other time,” Luke said, returning Artie's pound. “Right now I, uh . . . need some advice. Some guy advice.”
“Okay, that's cool. Kurt?” Puck said, and all the guys turned toward him. Kurt, on the other hand, raised his eyebrows as high as they would go.
“Not that I wouldn't be thrilled to be someone's coming-out guru,” he said, “but I'm not sure that's what he meant.”
“No,” Luke replied, “it wasn't. Sometimes I'm bad with words. I meant, like, guy-to-guy advice, about getting girls.”
“I cede the floor,” Kurt said with a flourish of his arms.
“Well, what do you need advice about?” asked Finn.
“I just . . .” Luke pulled up a chair and sat down. “I don't know how to talk to girls. Like, I'm really confident with music and performing, but when it comes to actually speaking . . .”
“No problem!” Sam said. “I mean, let's be real, is there anybody in this room who hasn't gotten a girl through singing?”
“It's true; even I have,” Kurt said.
“Technically, I got mine from dancing,” Mike added.
“Okay,” said Puck, “but you've got to have the skills to back it up. You can't just sing a romantic song and then leave a girl hanging.”
“But we can totally give you tips. And Rachel gave me a CD that I think can provide some appropriate background music.” Finn took a CD out of his backpack and put it in the boombox on the piano. Kurt got a look at the title.
“She gave you a Disney karaoke CD? Oh, that's just precious,” he teased.
“Shut up, it's for the assignment,” Finn said with an air of brotherly annoyance. He hit play on the stereo.
“Let's get down to business,” he sang, “to defeat the Huns. Did they send me daughters, when I asked for sons?” At the look Kurt gave him at that line, Finn shrugged his shoulders apologetically. It's not like he wrote the lyrics. He turned to Luke. “You're the saddest bunch I ever met, but you can bet before we're through, Mister I'll make a man out of you.”
Sam jumped out of his chair and put an arm around Luke. “Tranquil as a forest, but on fire within. Once you find your center, you are sure to win.” He poked his index finger in Luke's chest. “You're a spineless, pale, pathetic lot, and you haven't got a clue. Somehow I'll make a man out of you.”
“Be a man,” the group chanted.
“You must be swift as a coursing river,” Artie sang as Mike did a spin.
“Be a man.”
“With all the force of a great typhoon,” Puck added. Mike jumped onto a chair and stayed standing on it as it tipped over.
“Be a man.”
“With all the strength of a raging fire,” Finn sang as Mike picked Kurt up into a short lift.
“Mysterious as the dark side of the moon!” Kurt belted.
Luke had that chorus going through his head as the guys of New Directions began giving him lessons. Mike taught him how to ballroom dance. Sam showed him a few chords on guitar. Puck gave him a list titled “7 Pick-Up Lines of Highly Effective Players.” Finn used the white board to give an entire presentation on ways to fill silences when you're with your girlfriend. (Luke had a feeling this was pretty specific to Finn's girlfriend, though; “mention Andrew Lloyd Weber” probably wouldn't work on most girls.) Artie coached him on his swagger. Kurt was the only one who didn't make a contribution to his education. He just sat back and observed the others.
“See, you've gotten a ton better already,” Finn said, clapping Luke on the shoulder. “You'll be landing chicks left and right in no time.”
“Thanks, guys, I appreciate it,” Luke said. He put the various pieces of paper he'd collected into his backpack as the others left. When he looked up again, Kurt was the only one left in the room.
“Now that they're gone,” Kurt said, “let's have an actual chat about what girls want.”
“What?”
“I hate to break it to you, but straight guys don't know anything about women.”
Luke furrowed his brow. “Then why did you let them spend an hour teaching me stuff?”
“It was funny,” Kurt shrugged. “They're adorable when they think they know what they're doing. Also, the fact that they apparently missed the inherent homo-eroticism in 'I'll Make a Man Out of You' amused me.” He smiled slightly. “But the bond between a straight girl and her gay BFF is a sacred one, and I happen to be the gay BFF for several different ladies. I know what I'm talking about.”
“Okay,” said Luke, “then what should I do?”
“You need to be confident, but not cocky,” Kurt began. “Funny but not crass. Smart but not overbearing. You need to be able to listen but still have things to say.”
“But how do I do all of that?” Luke asked.
“You fake it 'til you make it,” Kurt replied. “Just think of it as another performance. You're just pretending to be a better version of yourself.”
“I . . . guess that makes sense.”
“Now,” Kurt said, “I can set you up with the girl of your dreams, the person I can just tell you'll get along with best in glee club.”
Luke's face lit up. “Really?” he asked. He hadn't thought his crush was that obvious, but this Kurt guy seemed pretty on-point.
“Walk with me,” Kurt flicked his head toward the door, “and I'll let you in on the plan.”
* * *
“Have you decided what you're doing for your Disney song?” Mercedes asked Tina as she rifled through her locker.
“Actually, I've been meaning to ask you about that,” Tina replied. “Can you meet me in the auditorium after school today so I can run some ideas by you?”
Over Tina's shoulder, Mercedes caught a glimpse of Sam waiting to talk to a teacher. He looked her direction and gave her a smile and a subtle wave.
“Uh . . .” Mercedes said, “I've got . . . a group project for bio-chem I'm working on tonight . . .”
“Mercedes? I'm taking bio-chem with you.”
“Did I say bio-chem? I meant . . . history,” she tried. When Tina didn't question her, she continued. “Anyway, I could probably stop in for fifteen or twenty minutes.”
“That'll be plenty of time,” Tina smiled. “So what are you doing for your glee assignment?”
“Did someone say 'glee assignment'?” Mercedes and Tina turned to see the two new girls standing at the drinking fountain behind them. Abby was the one who had spoken.
“Someone's enthusiastic,” Mercedes smirked.
“It's just so exciting to get to perform with such a talented group,” Abby said. “I can't wait to sing a solo in front of everybody!”
Mercedes and Tina exchanged looks that were equal parts amused and worried.
“What are you singing?” Tina asked.
“'Colors of the Wind,'” Abby said.
“What about you?” Mercedes looked at Lola.
“I'm more of a jazz singer,” Lola replied, “so I'm thinking some 'Cruella de Vil.'”
“Nice,” Tina appraised, and Mercedes was just about to interject when they were interrupted by the usual suspects.
“So, I hear y'all are recruiting losers?” Azimio said. He had a slushy in his hand, as did Karofsky. But while Azimio was enjoying himself, Karofsky just looked miserable.
“No, we only recruit winners in glee club,” Mercedes answered, a fake-sweetness in her voice.
“Is that supposed to be a comeback?” Azimio asked.
“Is Azimio supposed to be a first name? Or is it a last name? I mean, seriously. Do you even know the difference?”
He rolled his eyes. “Dave, take these geeks out.”
But nothing happened.
He turned and looked at Karofsky. “Well?”
“Dude, this is stupid,” Karofsky said. He thrust his slushy into Azimio's hand. “They're just trying to do something fun and constructive with their lives, which is more than you or I can say.”
“What the hell's gotten into you?”
“I can't do this anymore,” Karofsky said. “I can't keep tearing other people down to try and make myself feel better. It doesn't work anyway, you know it doesn't. I'm out.” He threw up his hands and left Azimio standing there, gobsmacked.
“Go figure,” Tina murmured.
“That's okay,” Azimio said, shaking it off. “I've still got two slushies, and two freshmen who look like they could use a baptism by corn syrup.”
“Excuse me.” Azimio whipped around to see Sue Sylvester glaring at him.
“Ms. Sylvester!” he said. “You want in on this?”
“You've completely misread my mood, Fat Albert. What I want is for you to come down to my office so I can dole out the proper punishment for bullying.”
When Azimio just stared at her, she explained. “I've undergone a reinvention as of late. Sue Sylvester is now using her powers to fight for truth, justice, and the American Way.”
“Isn't the American Way stamping out people who are weird?” Azimio asked.
“No, the American Way is leaving those weird people alone and letting them stamp themselves out if that's what nature intends. It's called Darwinism; look it up.” She grabbed him by the ear. “Regardless, we're going to have a nice little chat in my office, okay?”
The four girls watched her drag him down the hallway. Abby turned to Mercedes and Tina. “This place is crazy, isn't it?”
“Pretty much,” Mercedes answered.
Part 2
Author: lennoxave
Pairing,Character(s): Ensemble
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~9,500
Spoilers: Glee: Through 2.22 "New York"
Summary: It's a new school year, and for New Directions, that means new members, new goals, and new drama. Also, for Nationals this year? They're going to Disney World, and god knows these kids are gonna spend the whole episode singing about it. A proposal for episode 3.01.
Author's Note: This is, like, the most experiment-y experimental fic I've ever written. Basically, I wrote this like it was an episode of the show, specifically the season 3 premiere, so there's not much in the way of getting inside the characters' thoughts because I'm only really writing what you would see onscreen. I set myself the parameters of working with what the show might conceivably do, so people are still going to be acting like fools (because that's pretty much the only consistently canon thing about any of them), and this piece has a lot of set-up because it functions as a premiere. I'm thinking this may be the start of a series, where I write out some select episodes of my personal fantasy season 3, and tie them together with a "Here's what you missed on Glee" thing, because 22 of anything is a whole lot. So, yeah. There are some OCs, because they can't just have the entire glee club graduate, and I've included Youtube links to all the songs within the body of the fic. I would love feedback about what things are working/not working for you, particularly as I've tried to write some of the more unique fantasy staging the show sometimes uses, and I have no idea how it's come across. Anyway, if you've actually read this whole paragraph, thanks, and I hope you enjoy!
So, here's what you missed on Glee: The glee club placed twelfth at Nationals in New York, because writing songs like a day before you have to perform them isn't a very good idea. Rachel realized she can still make out with a cute boy while she's waiting to graduate. Sam and Mercedes are together but keeping it a secret, and Brittany and Santana aren't together together because Santana won't come out. Karofsky was a huge bully, but he seems like he's starting to have a change of heart, maybe because he's also a sneaky gay who's still in the closet. Also, Sue's maybe trying to be a better person after her sister died? And Will and Emma are together, I think. Also, also, at some point the idea was floated in fandom that perhaps Kurt was a year behind most of the rest of the glee club? So let's pretend that he sat out a year while his mom was sick, and Artie was also held back a year when he had his accident, and Sam is only a junior this year, too. Because there's more dramatic potential for the finale if there are some people left behind.
. . . And that's what you missed, on Glee!
Magic Kingdom
It was the first day back at school, and the members of McKinley's own New Directions were in high spirits.
“We're seniors,” Tina said as she walked down the hallway with Mercedes and Mike. “I can't believe we're seniors.”
“I can't believe we've survived this long,” Mercedes sassed. The group passed Puck, Sam, and Artie heading in the other direction. Everyone nodded in greeting, but Mercedes and Sam held eye contact for just a little longer than the others.
“This year is going to kick ass,” Puck said, giving a fist pump. “Between glee and football, we are going to be freakin' champions.”
Across the hall, Finn and Rachel were chatting at his locker.
“I'm just saying, I think we should go back to our roots this year,” Finn said. “Classic rock is gonna make a comeback, I can feel it.”
“Sweetie,” Rachel looked up at him, “the origins of show choir are really in Broadway. So if we wanted to stick to our roots--”
Lauren walked by, cutting her off. “As long as Mr. Schue keeps not-rapping, I don't care what we do.”
Finn and Rachel looked at each other. “That's fair,” Rachel conceded.
A few feet away, Kurt rounded the corner and was met with a long line of girls waiting to sign up for Cheerios try-outs. The three leaving the sign-up sheet looked rather familiar.
“Really?” Kurt asked as he sashayed over to Quinn, Brittany, and Santana. “Charlie's Angels are joining up with the evil empire again?”
“You're mixing your pop culture metaphors, Johnny Weir,” Santana replied. “Spending all summer sucking face with your boyfriend really dulled your rapier wit.”
Kurt gave Santana a smirk that said both “well-played” and “you're a bitch,” and turned to Quinn for an actual answer.
“Sylvester's mellowed out,” she shrugged, “and a cheerleading scholarship is pretty much our only shot at getting out of this God-awful town.”
“Ah, yes. When you all abandon me to explore that magical, wondrous land called 'college'.”
“Are you saying you'll actually miss us when we're gone?” Santana grinned.
“I refuse to confirm nor deny anything.”
“Well, at least you'll have Artie and Sam to keep you company,” Brittany said.
“In other news: have you seen the glee audition sheet?” Quinn asked. Kurt shook his head and she pointed to a piece of paper on the far side of the bulletin board. He squinted as he read the first line.
“Auditions for Glee Club,” the sheet said. “Nationals this year are to be held at Disney World.”
Kurt let out a little gasp. “Disney?”
“It's no New York City,” Quinn said, “but it is the happiest place on earth.”
“And check it.” Santana pointed to the list of names. “There are actual, like, people who want to audition. Real ones.”
“I didn't know 'Ivana B. Ghey' went to our school,” Brittany said as she looked at the list.
“Okay, but a couple of them are still legit.”
“Ladies,” Kurt said, and he crooked his elbows so Brittany could loop her arm around one and Quinn could grab the other, “I think this could be the start of a beautiful year.”
Just then, Jacob Ben-Israel approached them. “Would any of you like to comment on the story that the glee club is a bunch of has-beens who peeked too early and keep repeating themselves to increasingly diminishing returns?”
Kurt sighed. “Or maybe not.”
* * *
“All right, guys,” Will said as everyone took their seats. “As you may have heard, this year Nationals is going to be held at Disney World!” The club let out appropriately excited hoots and hollers. “Now, with so many of our members graduating this year, we need to make recruitment a priority. So I'm thinking we should show the school just what New Directions is all about, Disney-style.”
New Directions filed into the cafeteria, the guys wearing red Mickey Mouse shirts the guys wearing red Mickey Mouse shirts and the girls wearing Disney Love shirts the girls wearing Disney Love shirts. The jazz band stood up from their table and moved to the corner where they had set up their instruments. On a nod from Mercedes, they began to play.
“Don't matter what you look like,” Mercedes sang. “Don't matter what you wear. How many rings you got on your finger. We don't care, no--”
“WE DON'T CARE!” the group shouted.
“Don't matter where you come from,” Artie picked up the tune. “Don't even matter what you are. A dog, a pig, a cow, a goat, had 'em all in here--”
“WE HAD 'EM ALL IN HERE!”
“And they all knew what they wanted.” It was Rachel's turn. “What they wanted me to do. I told 'em what they needed, just like I be telling you.”
The group broke out into some rudimentary partner swing-dancing as they sang the chorus together, with Mercedes taking the solo lines.
“You gotta dig a little deeper; find out who you are. You gotta dig a little deeper. It really ain't that far. When you find out who you are, you'll find out what you need. Blue skies and sunshine guaranteed. You gotta dig. You gotta dig.”
Sam sang the first part of the next verse. “Prince Froggy is a rich little boy, you want to be rich again. That ain't gonna make you happy now, did it make you happy then? No!”
Together, everyone sang, “Money ain't got no soul, money ain't got no heart.” Quinn sang the next solo. “All you need is some self-control, make yourself a brand-new start.”
They took another chorus the same way they did the first. “You gotta dig a little deeper; don't have far to go. You gotta dig a little deeper. Tell the people Mama told you so. Can't tell you what you'll find, maybe love will grant you peace of mind. Dig a little deeper and you'll know.”
As they sang, several people in the cafeteria took particular notice of the performance. A boy wearing a McKinley Titans t-shirt stood at the cashier's station. He peered at the glee club through his wire-rimmed glasses while he nodded along to the music, totally oblivious to the annoyed lunch lady waiting for him to pay.
Then there was a girl with red hair sitting by herself at a table a few yards away from him. She had a book in her hand, but she had stopped reading to watch the show.
Over by the garbage can, another girl was watching with rapt attention. She zeroed in on the girl singing lead who had her skin tone--Mercedes--and gave her an admiring smile. Mercedes smiled back as they launched into another chorus.
“You gotta dig a little deeper; for you it's gonna be tough.” David Karofsky looked up from his place at the football table, where most of the guys were laughing and making fun of the glee club. His face looked serious, though; there was almost a longing to it.
“You gotta dig a little deeper; you ain't dug near far enough. Dig down deep inside yourself, you'll find out what you need. Blue skies and sunshine guaranteed.”
Santana began wailing in the background as the chorus continued to sing, “Blue skies and sunshine guaranteed.”
Finally, they reached the end of the song, and Mercedes nailed the ending lick. There was silence in the cafeteria, and it seemed like it might be a repeat of their “Empire State of Mind” performance. Fortunately, applause started from the lunch ladies and continued to the student body, save the jocks.
It wasn't uproarious, but it was still progress.
* * *
Rachel stood in the middle of her room while Finn sat on the bed.
“Y'know, you don't always have to show me what you're doing for your glee assignment,” he said. “I mean, I love hearing you sing and all, but you don't need my approval. You're great no matter what you do.”
Rachel smiled a little. There was a sadness to it. “I know, Finn. And I appreciate your unwavering support. But I thought you should hear this song before the rest of the club does.” She hit play on her stereo and began to sing.
“I wanna be where the people are. I wanna see, wanna see 'em dancing, walkin' around on those . . . what do you call them? Oh, feet. Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far. Legs are required for jumpin', dancin', strollin' along down a . . . what's that word again? Street? Up where they walk, up where they run, up where they stay all day in the sun. Wanderin' free, wish I could be, part of that world.”
She looked very seriously at Finn. “I'm ready to know what the people know, ask 'em questions and get some answers. What's a fire and why does it . . . what's the word? Burn? When's it my turn? Wouldn't I love, love to explore that shore up above? Out of the sea, wish I could be, part of that world.”
When she finished, Finn sat silent for a moment. “That was about New York, wasn't it?” he finally said. Rachel nodded.
“I just . . . if we're going to keep doing this, I need to make sure you understand . . .”
“Rach,” Finn said as he got up and put his hands on her shoulders, “I get it. This is the time when we have to start making plans for the future. But can't we just . . . figure everything out when the time comes and enjoy what we have for now?”
Rachel relaxed and gave Finn a genuine smile. “I was hoping you'd say that.” She leaned in and hugged him. He hugged back, but his face fell when he was sure she wasn't looking.
* * *
Santana was busy looking through her locker for a tube of lip gloss when she heard the locker next to hers open. She glanced to her left.
“David Karofsky,” she sing-songed. “Fancy meeting you here. God, we just need to add Hummel and we'll have the gayest row of lockers this side of San Francisco.”
Karofsky shot her a look. “You know people can hear you, right?”
Santana rolled her eyes. “Nobody's listening. It's high school; they're too busy talking about each other to hear what we have to say.” She found her lip gloss and started applying it in the mirror on her locker door. “How was your summer?”
“Fantastic,” Karofsky groaned. “I learned to hate all of my friends because they say terrible things about people they don't realize are me and then tried not to lock myself in my room and die. You?”
“Oh, you know, ignored all of my feelings and somehow managed to keep myself from falling lips-first onto another girl's face. The usual.”
“All right then.” Karofsky shifted uncomfortably.
“Good talk,” Santana said flatly, closing her locker.
“By the way,” Karofsky said as she turned to go. “Are we still--” he paused as someone walked by, “--fake-dating?”
“Um, no?” Santana thought about it. “Yeah, I'm gonna go with no.”
“Okay. Uh, see you around,” Karofsky said.
“Right. Bye.”
* * *
Will walked into glee the next day with a stack of pizzas under his arm.
“Oh no,” Kurt said. “You're not trying to assuage your guilt for abandoning us to pursue your Broadway dreams again, are you?”
“No,” Will laughed. “I thought we would have a little pizza party at the start of rehearsal today in honor of our new members.”
“New members?” Rachel asked, and everyone looked at each other excitedly.
“Yep, I held auditions after school yesterday.” Will looked over his shoulder, “Come on in, guys!”
Three students entered the room. “First, we have Luke Champlain, a sophomore you may have seen around last year.” The boy in the glasses from the cafeteria gave them a sheepish wave. He was tall but not towering, bean-pole skinny with shaggy brown hair. He was a shade of pale that gave Kurt Hummel a run for his money.
“Next up is Lola Kenney, a freshman.” Lola was dressed very simply--jeans and a t-shirt, no make-up, no jewelry. Over her shoulder she carried a satchel that looked full-to-bursting with books, certainly more than McKinley's not-particularly strenuous curriculum would have required. She flashed the group a nervous smile and tucked a strand of long red hair behind her ear.
“And then we have another freshman, Abby Washington.” The final girl positively beamed at them.
“I'm so excited to be here!” Abby said, punctuating her last word with a bounce that made her skirt swish around her hips.
“Okay, you three have a seat,” Will said, and he signaled to the jazz band as he started handing out pizzas. “I have a song to welcome you to New Directions. And the rest of you can join in, because we want our new members to know that we're here for them and ready to give them whatever help they need.”
Will took a paper napkin off of the stack on the piano and draped it over his arm like a waiter. “ Be . . . our . . . guest! Be our guest! Put our service to the test.” He grabbed another napkin and handed it to Lola. “Tie your napkin 'round your neck, cherie, and we'll provide the rest.” He picked up a pizza box and glided across the room to Luke.
“Soup du jour, hot hors d'oeuvres, why, we only live to serve. Try the gray stuff, it's delicious. Don't believe me? Ask the dishes!” He gestured at Brittany and Mike while he turned to Abby. “They can sing, they can dance, after all, Miss, this is France! And a dinner here is never second best! Go on unfold your menu, take a glance and then you'll be our guest! Oui, our guest! Be our guest!”
The veterans of glee club all started rushing around the room doing silly dance moves while they sang back-up to their teacher.
“Beef ragout, cheese souffle, pie and pudding en flambe. We'll prepare and serve with flair a culinary cabaret! You're alone and you're scared, but the banquet's all prepared! No one's gloomy or complaining while the flatware's entertaining. We tell jokes! I do tricks! With my fellow candlesticks! And it's all in perfect taste that you can bet! Come on and lift your glass, you've won your own free pass to be our guest. If you're stressed, it's fine-dining I suggest. Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest!”
Somehow, they managed to bump up their exuberance level even more, much to the amusement of the newest additions to their ranks.
“Be our guest! Be our guest! Our command is your request. It's been years since we've had anybody here, and we're obsessed, with your meal, with your ease. Yes, indeed, we aim to please! While the candlelight's still glowing let us help you, we'll keep going . . .”
Mike grabbed the two new girls and pulled them into the line the others had formed, and Rachel took Luke by the hand and pulled him in as well. Then all sixteen members of New Directions and Will Schuester started a kick-line.
“Course by course! One by one! 'Til you shout, 'Enough, I'm done!' Then we'll sing you off to sleep while you digest! Tonight you'll prop your feet up, but for now let's eat up. Be our guest! Be our guest! Be our guest! Please, be our guest!”
As the band finished playing, the group danced around the choir room like crazy people until they collapsed into a heap laughing and eating pizza.
* * *
Artie rolled his way out of rehearsal dejectedly. Puck noticed and gave Lauren a quick good-bye kiss on the cheek before jogging after his friend.
“You okay, dude?” he asked.
“Yeah,” Artie replied. “I guess after seeing all the couples dancing together . . . I'm just bummed about being single.”
“Still friend-zoned with Brittany?” Puck asked. Artie just sighed. “Well, whatever. That's her loss, y'know? There are, like, a zillion fish in the sea. Did you check out those freshmen? Totally hot dolphins.”
“Dolphins aren't fish,” Artie pointed out as he stopped at his locker, but Puck was on a roll.
“I'm just sayin', you get to play the field. Enjoy it, man.”
Artie looked up at him. “Didn't we try doing that before, and I ended up with a girlfriend and you ended up almost getting sent back to juvie?”
Puck thought for a second. “Oh, yeah. Well, don't be a douche about it this time. Just go with the flow, let things happen, have some fun, and eventually everything will turn out okay. Hakuna matata, dude.”
Artie smirked. “Hakuna matata,” he sang, “what a wonderful phrase.”
Puck leaned over the back of Artie's wheelchair. “Hakuna matata, ain't no passin' craze.”
They both knew what song they were singing in glee this week.
“It means no worries,” Artie sang in the choir room the next day as Puck played guitar next to him, “for the rest of your days.”
“It's our problem-free,” they both sang, “philosophy: hakuna matata.”
The rest of the glee club grooved along to their performance. On their second pass through the chorus, the new guy stood up and started doing some vocal gymnastics over the top of it, like Simba did during the original. Artie gestured at Luke to come join him and Puck.
Kurt exchanged a look with Tina. “White boy can sing,” he said. He looked back to the front of the room, where the kid was dancing his way around Puck and Artie, and doing a way better job of it than Finn, Sam, or Puck could have. “White boy can dance, too.”
“He's got a little bit of a Justin Timberlake vibe,” Tina agreed. “Or maybe Jason Mraz; I haven't decided yet.”
“Are you thinking what I'm thinking?” Kurt asked. They both glanced over to the other side of the room, where Mercedes was sitting next to Rachel and bobbing her head along to the music.
“You want us to be Mercedes's gay and Asian yentas?” Tina said.
“You do have the Jewish street cred in your name.”
Tina considered it. “He does seem to have possibilities.”
“They could sing duets. It would be adorable.”
“All right, I'm down with hooking up our favorite soul-singing diva with a cute soul-singing man.”
“Guys?” Mike leaned over his girlfriend to talk to them both. “Don't you think you should maybe let Mercedes in on this scheme?”
“Nonsense,” Kurt sniffed.
“Sweetie, I love you, but you're getting in the way of a good plan,” Tina said, patting Mike on the arm. Mike raised his hand in defeat and leaned back in his chair. Kurt and Tina began whispering together as the three guys in the front finished their song. They were so distracted, in fact, that they missed the way Luke's eyes kept finding Quinn in the audience.
“It's our problem-free philosophy: hakuna matata.”
* * *
Brittany and Santana sat on the bed in Brittany's room, both of them hunched over a laptop.
“This is the cheesiest movie,” Santana complained.
“What? You think Aladdin is cheesy?” Brittany asked.
“Yeah. All this 'be yourself and other people will love you' nonsense. Not how the world works.”
Brittany frowned. “But Aladdin and Jasmine are cute together.”
“Lame,” Santana said. “Totally lame. Unrealistic.”
“You never dreamed about someone coming into your life and sweeping you off your feet?”
“When I was little, maybe.” Santana paused long enough that Brittany filled the silence.
“What happened?”
“I grew up,” Santana said. She turned her head to look Brittany in the eye. “I learned the world doesn't work like that.” She quickly looked away.
Brittany frowned harder. She didn't like when Santana got in one of these moods, although with all the romance found in Disney movies, she wasn't surprised it was happening.
“Okay, but you have to admit the music in this one is pretty awesome.”
Santana tilted her head in thought. “'Friend Like Me' is a good song, but 'A Whole New World' makes me want wretch like I just swallowed a vat of salmonella.”
Brittany giggled and started clicking things on her laptop. “What are you doing?” Santana asked.
“I-Tunes,” Brittany replied. “I know I have some Disney karaoke on here.”
“You are such a dork,” Santana rolled her eyes affectionately.
“Here!” Brittany exclaimed. Suddenly, the opening notes of “A Whole New World” began to fill the room.
Santana groaned.
“Oh, like you don't know all the words,” Brittany said.
“I don't,” insisted Santana.
“Prove it,” Brittany grinned, and she began to sing.
“I can show you the world.” She grabbed Santana's shoulder and started hamming it up, sounding earnest to the point of obnoxiousness. “Shining, shimmering, splendid. Tell me, princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?”
Brittany laughed, and Santana couldn't help but smile. And then return the goofy performance.
“I can open your eyes,” Santana sang right in Brittany's face, making the other girl crack up. “Take you wonder by wonder.” She got up on her knees, pretending to be riding the bed like it was some sort of magic-carpet surf board. “Over, sideways, and under on a magic carpet ride.”
Brittany began to imitate her. “A whole new world. A new fantastic point of view. No one to tell us no, or where to go, or say we're only dreaming.”
Santana turned her body to face Brittany and clasped her hands to her chest, mocking the overwrought emotions of the song as she picked up Jasmine's part. “A whole new world. A dazzling place I never knew,” she sang in her upper register. She lost her composure and broke out in a grin at the ridiculousness. “But when I'm way up here, it's crystal clear, that now I'm in a whole new world with you.”
Brittany sang Aladdin's lines. “Now I'm in a whole new world with you.”
Santana cut in and grabbed Brittany's hands. “Unbelievable sights. Indescribable feeling. Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling through an endless diamond sky.” She acted out the movie by releasing her grip on Brittany and covering her own eyes with her freed hands. “A whole new world!”
Brittany grabbed Santana's wrists and pulled her hands down just like she was supposed to. “Don't you dare close your eyes,” she sang, giggling.
“A hundred thousand things to see.”
“Hold your breath it gets better.”
Brittany was still holding her by the wrists. “I'm like a shooting star,” Santana sang. “I've come so far. I can't go back to where I used to be.”
As she sang, though, the lyrics suddenly hit her. Her expression, her whole demeanor immediately sobered up. She saw Brittany singing the words “A whole new world” and let herself fall into the fantasy of it. She was suddenly very sincere when she sang, “Every turn a surprise.”
“With new horizons to explore.”
“Every moment red-letter.”
They were both kneeling on the bed facing each other. Brittany linked their fingers together, and they looked into each other's eyes with a seriousness that hadn't been there thirty seconds before.
“I'll chase them anywhere,” they harmonized, “there's time to spare. Let me share this whole new world with you.”
“A whole new world,” Brittany sang.
“A whole new world,” echoed Santana.
“That's where we'll be.”
“That's where we'll be.” Tears were starting to form in Santana's eyes.
“A thrilling chase.” Brittany smiled so sweetly at her.
“A wondrous place,” Santana sang back, barely above a whisper. She reached up and placed a hand on Brittany's cheek.
“For you and me,” they sang together. As the instrumental outro played, Santana did something she had managed to stop herself from doing for the past six months. She leaned in and kissed Brittany.
They stayed like that until the music stopped. Brittany was the one to pull away.
“Does this mean you're ready?” she asked, her face shining with hope.
Santana looked down and her tears started falling. “No,” she whispered. “I'm sorry.”
Before Brittany could say anything, Santana had climbed off the bed and run out of the room.
* * *
Luke could not stop himself from staring at Quinn Fabray whenever he saw her. It was like a spotlight came down and a wind machine turned on and he was looking at the most beautiful girl in the world.
When another bout of this open-mouthed ogling happened as she walked past his locker after school, he decided he should figure out how to do something about it. He was just going to need some help.
“What are you guys up to?” Luke asked as he entered the choir room.
“Just having a little jam session,” Artie said, putting up his hand for a fist bump. It certainly looked like they were; Finn was at the drum kit and Sam and Puck both had their guitars out. Kurt and Mike had pulled up chairs next to Artie and were holding a shaker and a cowbell, respectively.
“You wanna join?” Puck asked.
“Maybe some other time,” Luke said, returning Artie's pound. “Right now I, uh . . . need some advice. Some guy advice.”
“Okay, that's cool. Kurt?” Puck said, and all the guys turned toward him. Kurt, on the other hand, raised his eyebrows as high as they would go.
“Not that I wouldn't be thrilled to be someone's coming-out guru,” he said, “but I'm not sure that's what he meant.”
“No,” Luke replied, “it wasn't. Sometimes I'm bad with words. I meant, like, guy-to-guy advice, about getting girls.”
“I cede the floor,” Kurt said with a flourish of his arms.
“Well, what do you need advice about?” asked Finn.
“I just . . .” Luke pulled up a chair and sat down. “I don't know how to talk to girls. Like, I'm really confident with music and performing, but when it comes to actually speaking . . .”
“No problem!” Sam said. “I mean, let's be real, is there anybody in this room who hasn't gotten a girl through singing?”
“It's true; even I have,” Kurt said.
“Technically, I got mine from dancing,” Mike added.
“Okay,” said Puck, “but you've got to have the skills to back it up. You can't just sing a romantic song and then leave a girl hanging.”
“But we can totally give you tips. And Rachel gave me a CD that I think can provide some appropriate background music.” Finn took a CD out of his backpack and put it in the boombox on the piano. Kurt got a look at the title.
“She gave you a Disney karaoke CD? Oh, that's just precious,” he teased.
“Shut up, it's for the assignment,” Finn said with an air of brotherly annoyance. He hit play on the stereo.
“Let's get down to business,” he sang, “to defeat the Huns. Did they send me daughters, when I asked for sons?” At the look Kurt gave him at that line, Finn shrugged his shoulders apologetically. It's not like he wrote the lyrics. He turned to Luke. “You're the saddest bunch I ever met, but you can bet before we're through, Mister I'll make a man out of you.”
Sam jumped out of his chair and put an arm around Luke. “Tranquil as a forest, but on fire within. Once you find your center, you are sure to win.” He poked his index finger in Luke's chest. “You're a spineless, pale, pathetic lot, and you haven't got a clue. Somehow I'll make a man out of you.”
“Be a man,” the group chanted.
“You must be swift as a coursing river,” Artie sang as Mike did a spin.
“Be a man.”
“With all the force of a great typhoon,” Puck added. Mike jumped onto a chair and stayed standing on it as it tipped over.
“Be a man.”
“With all the strength of a raging fire,” Finn sang as Mike picked Kurt up into a short lift.
“Mysterious as the dark side of the moon!” Kurt belted.
Luke had that chorus going through his head as the guys of New Directions began giving him lessons. Mike taught him how to ballroom dance. Sam showed him a few chords on guitar. Puck gave him a list titled “7 Pick-Up Lines of Highly Effective Players.” Finn used the white board to give an entire presentation on ways to fill silences when you're with your girlfriend. (Luke had a feeling this was pretty specific to Finn's girlfriend, though; “mention Andrew Lloyd Weber” probably wouldn't work on most girls.) Artie coached him on his swagger. Kurt was the only one who didn't make a contribution to his education. He just sat back and observed the others.
“See, you've gotten a ton better already,” Finn said, clapping Luke on the shoulder. “You'll be landing chicks left and right in no time.”
“Thanks, guys, I appreciate it,” Luke said. He put the various pieces of paper he'd collected into his backpack as the others left. When he looked up again, Kurt was the only one left in the room.
“Now that they're gone,” Kurt said, “let's have an actual chat about what girls want.”
“What?”
“I hate to break it to you, but straight guys don't know anything about women.”
Luke furrowed his brow. “Then why did you let them spend an hour teaching me stuff?”
“It was funny,” Kurt shrugged. “They're adorable when they think they know what they're doing. Also, the fact that they apparently missed the inherent homo-eroticism in 'I'll Make a Man Out of You' amused me.” He smiled slightly. “But the bond between a straight girl and her gay BFF is a sacred one, and I happen to be the gay BFF for several different ladies. I know what I'm talking about.”
“Okay,” said Luke, “then what should I do?”
“You need to be confident, but not cocky,” Kurt began. “Funny but not crass. Smart but not overbearing. You need to be able to listen but still have things to say.”
“But how do I do all of that?” Luke asked.
“You fake it 'til you make it,” Kurt replied. “Just think of it as another performance. You're just pretending to be a better version of yourself.”
“I . . . guess that makes sense.”
“Now,” Kurt said, “I can set you up with the girl of your dreams, the person I can just tell you'll get along with best in glee club.”
Luke's face lit up. “Really?” he asked. He hadn't thought his crush was that obvious, but this Kurt guy seemed pretty on-point.
“Walk with me,” Kurt flicked his head toward the door, “and I'll let you in on the plan.”
* * *
“Have you decided what you're doing for your Disney song?” Mercedes asked Tina as she rifled through her locker.
“Actually, I've been meaning to ask you about that,” Tina replied. “Can you meet me in the auditorium after school today so I can run some ideas by you?”
Over Tina's shoulder, Mercedes caught a glimpse of Sam waiting to talk to a teacher. He looked her direction and gave her a smile and a subtle wave.
“Uh . . .” Mercedes said, “I've got . . . a group project for bio-chem I'm working on tonight . . .”
“Mercedes? I'm taking bio-chem with you.”
“Did I say bio-chem? I meant . . . history,” she tried. When Tina didn't question her, she continued. “Anyway, I could probably stop in for fifteen or twenty minutes.”
“That'll be plenty of time,” Tina smiled. “So what are you doing for your glee assignment?”
“Did someone say 'glee assignment'?” Mercedes and Tina turned to see the two new girls standing at the drinking fountain behind them. Abby was the one who had spoken.
“Someone's enthusiastic,” Mercedes smirked.
“It's just so exciting to get to perform with such a talented group,” Abby said. “I can't wait to sing a solo in front of everybody!”
Mercedes and Tina exchanged looks that were equal parts amused and worried.
“What are you singing?” Tina asked.
“'Colors of the Wind,'” Abby said.
“What about you?” Mercedes looked at Lola.
“I'm more of a jazz singer,” Lola replied, “so I'm thinking some 'Cruella de Vil.'”
“Nice,” Tina appraised, and Mercedes was just about to interject when they were interrupted by the usual suspects.
“So, I hear y'all are recruiting losers?” Azimio said. He had a slushy in his hand, as did Karofsky. But while Azimio was enjoying himself, Karofsky just looked miserable.
“No, we only recruit winners in glee club,” Mercedes answered, a fake-sweetness in her voice.
“Is that supposed to be a comeback?” Azimio asked.
“Is Azimio supposed to be a first name? Or is it a last name? I mean, seriously. Do you even know the difference?”
He rolled his eyes. “Dave, take these geeks out.”
But nothing happened.
He turned and looked at Karofsky. “Well?”
“Dude, this is stupid,” Karofsky said. He thrust his slushy into Azimio's hand. “They're just trying to do something fun and constructive with their lives, which is more than you or I can say.”
“What the hell's gotten into you?”
“I can't do this anymore,” Karofsky said. “I can't keep tearing other people down to try and make myself feel better. It doesn't work anyway, you know it doesn't. I'm out.” He threw up his hands and left Azimio standing there, gobsmacked.
“Go figure,” Tina murmured.
“That's okay,” Azimio said, shaking it off. “I've still got two slushies, and two freshmen who look like they could use a baptism by corn syrup.”
“Excuse me.” Azimio whipped around to see Sue Sylvester glaring at him.
“Ms. Sylvester!” he said. “You want in on this?”
“You've completely misread my mood, Fat Albert. What I want is for you to come down to my office so I can dole out the proper punishment for bullying.”
When Azimio just stared at her, she explained. “I've undergone a reinvention as of late. Sue Sylvester is now using her powers to fight for truth, justice, and the American Way.”
“Isn't the American Way stamping out people who are weird?” Azimio asked.
“No, the American Way is leaving those weird people alone and letting them stamp themselves out if that's what nature intends. It's called Darwinism; look it up.” She grabbed him by the ear. “Regardless, we're going to have a nice little chat in my office, okay?”
The four girls watched her drag him down the hallway. Abby turned to Mercedes and Tina. “This place is crazy, isn't it?”
“Pretty much,” Mercedes answered.
Part 2