Winter break

[lennonsdoors]

I gotta tell you, looking back at the last year of my life, Im a changed man. I know this sounds corny, but I feel like i've transitioned from boy to man. Its been over a year since the mervyns incident and I can't beleive it was ONLY that long ago. As some of you know I rarely talk about that incident. Easily the worst moment of my life. I think now that Ive hit over a year mark (on December 7th, John Lennons Death), Im comfortable talking about it. I think back to that time in my life and I think I was just having problems, my parents were bot becoming involved with other people, and i think for the first time, their divorce really hit me. I started not so much caring about school (god how i regret it) and god knows what. I then got put on probation (januray 29th 2006), 6 months. It wasnt bad because I got informal probation, so it will never be on my record or anything. I got a second chance, I was given the oppurtunity to change in those six months. God how I hated that time, having to be home by 9 every night, having to be so exteemly careful, not to mention the shame and humiliation I faced from my parents. I paid the dues, I showed my parents and myself that i could be a good guy. 6 months from the court date, back in that court room, July 29th 2006. Here is where I felt the intial change really happened. I walked into that courtroom at 10:08 AM, 10 minutes later, after the judge and the prosecutors both agreed that I had been an astoundingly good during my time on probation, I walked out of that courtroom, finally able to put that last 7-8 months behind. I didn't talk as I walked outside with my parents, I just walked out of their, feeling almost like nothing, like i had been stripped of all burden. I got in my moms car, put on the seat belt, and cried like i have never cried before. It was one of the greatest moments of my life. You know its in those moments that you realize what life truly is, i wish i could describe it, but its just something you gotta experience, kinda like love. I think that morning is one that will burned in my memory for a long time to come. I vowed that day to strive to be the best me as possible. To be proud of who I am, and what I do. Why else do you think Im taking so many AP classes? Ive learend that the challenge of having to cram so much knowledge into my brain is something that makes me feel good. Although sometimes it does get overwhelming. Since my release from my past ive started to recognize and surround myself with the things that make me truly happy. Janna, I gotta say this, I love you so much, when Im with you I feel 100% truly happy. Its almost like a movie as I stare at you in all of your beauty and the rest of the world is shut out except you and me. You make me truly TRULY happy. All right i know i just kind of skewed off, sorry. Ive found learning difficult subjets like Econ, Psychology, Physics, and Calculus make me feel good just by knowing that Im learning something that not so many people have the oppurtunity (or the desire) to learn. My friends! how could i ever be truly happy without surrouding myself by good people who can stick by me through the rough. People who i might not see for weeks because Im so emorsed into school and work, but then can pick up with them like we'd been hanging out all along. That is a good feeling. I gotta say, I know alot of my friends don't like the music I've been listening to lately. I mean hey just a few months ago i would have ripped on any of those bands but I dont know, I just find myself attracted to that stuff. It might not be so talented, or creative, or orignal or any other reasons that make it lame. But, it makes me happy. Its easy to listen to and although some of the bands are really lame, whatever I guess im lame. I guess what im trying to get at here is, I want to be able to stand up and say yeah i like the killers, yeah i know there kinda lame but hey, I really like their stuff. Sure they might not be the most talented but whatever, I still enjoy it. I find that Im at that point in my life now where, Im gonna dress the way I dress, listen to what i like to listen to, and be myself. As I am nearing the end of this phase of my life and entering into college life, I feel strange reflecting back on some of these things. I gotta mention this cause im sure im not the only person feeling this way, but doesnt life right now feel like "The In between" , like your in between chapters of your life. I feel like high school is just a waiting place now until my life can really start to expand. That is what im so hyped up about for college. Expansion or my mind, and just my overall being. That jump into adulthood can expand your character in unpredictable ways. I think that may be why Im so agasint going to the JC, I feel like how can i expand myself there? To me it would be two more years of highschool. I dont think i can take that wait any longer. I mean i cant wait to go out on my own, live my own life. I mean sure ill miss the security of being near my parents, and a town Im so used to, but thats just life. There is so many rich adventures waiting out there for us for the plucking. I feel like ive already plucked all that I can from petaluma. I dont want to give you the impression that I hate this town, cause I love petaluma. I grew up here. I wouldnt be who i am today if it wasnt for this town. Sure i want out, but i will miss it here (assuming i do get into college somewhere). College will be a time for us all to find out who we wanna be for the rest of our lives, and not just career wise, but who we wanna be as a person. Right now I can only imagine what my life will soon be like. I feel if i can experience such a change in character over the last 6 months, what do the next ten years hold in store? I have visions of owning a business, or working at a lucrative company, starting an agency with my dad. Who knows? I know its scary and its mindboggling because where so used to this small world of high school and petaluma, but once we roll into these things, beautful things can happen. I personally am so excited about the coming year(s) and what they hold in store. Anyways I know this has been a long rant sort of thing, but I just wanted to burst, I was just so full of these ideas and emotions. I dont know what i meant to accomplish by it other than getting this down onto paper. I heard a good quote today that I think really made me think about my journey from getting arrested to now. I think it went something like, "a loser is someone who has never lost" (Im not sure if i got that right Nick) and it reminded me that BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN, you will have pain, you will lose, you will have upsets, but there is more value from our mistakes, from our losses, from our upsets than can ever be had from a winning streak.
Well if youve just sat here and spent the long amount of time of reading this, I thank you. Thanks for letting me get these things off of my chest.
I LOVE JANNA!