(no subject)
So yesterday was my little sister's bday party at my dad's. It was kinda my party too... well my name was on the cake and I got $75 from my dad and stepmom (woop woop). I had fun but I got the following comments from my sister : 1. "you have a big belly"
2. "you slouch too much" 3. "you need to stop eating so much" (I was not eating at the time she was just pointing to my "fat belly") 4. "you have hairy arms too" 5. "you have food in your teeth" (which she knows damn well is a cavity and not food.
Ok so she's only 11 but my dad was standing right there for the "fat" comments and instead of saying "Mackenzie, that's not nice" he said "no she just needs to exercise"..... I agreed with him and said I don't eat too much I just need to exercise she disagreed and said I eat too much another 3 or 4 times. He was right I guess I just kinda wished he could've told her not to say those things since I was too much of a wimp to tell an 11 year old that she was hurting my feelings.
Ok I know I gained about 25-30 pounds but the last thing I need is anybody telling me that, like I don't know.
I hadn't eaten all day before that but I felt horrible with every bite. If I didn't get so sick from not eating I would've become anorexic a long time ago. I'm thinkin about doin just that after the baby comes. I hope gaining all that weight doesn't make me feel as down as I do about the weight I have put on in the past year. And then all my aunts and cousins that have had babies were sayin how much they weigh and my one cousin is only 10 lbs heavier than me and she's had 2 kids and is about 4 or 5 inches taller. My other aunt whose had a kid (and no offense but I always thought I was smaller than her) weighs about 4 lbs. more than me and she's like 2 inches shorter. I just hate it cuz I was always soooo skinny and all of a sudden BLAM I gain 30 lbs and I honestly don't think I'll ever wear a bathing suit again. Especially this summer lol. I already look like I'm 4 months pregnant and I have for almost a year so I honestly don't know how my belly is gonna get any fuckin bigger it's gonna be like 2 bellies one on top of the other. I'm only 6 weeks and I've already gained a pound between week 5 and 6. I don't think I'm supposed to start gaining already. Here I am complaining and all I do is eat like a pig and I walk a mile maybe twice a week. It's hard to eat right when you don't have an oven or a stove and you have run out of dishes bcuz you can't wash them
That's another thing bothering me. I am actually somewhat of a neat freak. I need things clean to be happy. My house is so disgustingly dirty right now... that I'm about to honestly have a nervous breakdown. It's got me so stressed that my neck and shoulders hurt so bad all I can do is lay in bed all day on the heating pad. I feel like there are 2 100 lb weights on my shoulders. The dirty house stresses me out soo much that I'm too hurt to clean it. I mean there are dishes in the sink piles almost up to the cupboards that have been there since god knows when and Tom has so much fuckin junk there is no room in this fuckin place for all of it. I actually told him I might go stay with my mom until the water heater gets fixed. I know it would break his heart and be really hard for me not sleeping next to him but I can't stand being here.
God I just wanna break stuff lol.
My sister Chelsea is in Florida and today some of my cousins/friends of the family left for Mexico
I'm so jealous.
I'm hopin to stay in a hotel for at least one night for my bday.
And then I think I'm just gonna go out to eat with my mom and Meg and Chels and Tom. That's all I really want. That and a clean house.
I was gonna buy some clothes with my bday money but I don't feel like shopping in the plus size section. I guess I 'll just wait until I start getting my maternity clothes and just wear those until I get skinny again.
Every time I write an entry like this I worry about the people that think I'm always depressed and all I write about is the bad stuff. I just hope that everyone understands by now why I do that and I'm sorry I wish I had more good news for ya but I just don't at the moment and when I do I don't feel like writing about it cuz I guess I do think about bad things more than good. I also wanna say that until you have felt what I felt and lived what I've lived... don't judge me. Don't belittle my pain bcuz it's not as great as yours... it stull hurts. Don't say I should be thankful .. when you don't know what I have. I will get over this, I always do ... it's just taking a little longer than usual
anyways I'M HAVING A BABY so no bad thing matters that much anymore. I can look forward to my future and smile now. I saw Dr. Lee on Friday and he said that it's looking good for me. I guess there are some things going on (that you probably don't wanna know) that didn't happen and should have last time. He is optimistic about it and now I can finally start thinking about actually having this baby. The day before my bday we will hopefully finally see it on ultrasound. That would be the best bday gift I've ever gotten. I want to go in there, see the baby in the uterus where it should be and then I will finally be able to exhale.
Yea I guess I'm waiting to exhale lol.
2. "you slouch too much" 3. "you need to stop eating so much" (I was not eating at the time she was just pointing to my "fat belly") 4. "you have hairy arms too" 5. "you have food in your teeth" (which she knows damn well is a cavity and not food.
Ok so she's only 11 but my dad was standing right there for the "fat" comments and instead of saying "Mackenzie, that's not nice" he said "no she just needs to exercise"..... I agreed with him and said I don't eat too much I just need to exercise she disagreed and said I eat too much another 3 or 4 times. He was right I guess I just kinda wished he could've told her not to say those things since I was too much of a wimp to tell an 11 year old that she was hurting my feelings.
Ok I know I gained about 25-30 pounds but the last thing I need is anybody telling me that, like I don't know.
I hadn't eaten all day before that but I felt horrible with every bite. If I didn't get so sick from not eating I would've become anorexic a long time ago. I'm thinkin about doin just that after the baby comes. I hope gaining all that weight doesn't make me feel as down as I do about the weight I have put on in the past year. And then all my aunts and cousins that have had babies were sayin how much they weigh and my one cousin is only 10 lbs heavier than me and she's had 2 kids and is about 4 or 5 inches taller. My other aunt whose had a kid (and no offense but I always thought I was smaller than her) weighs about 4 lbs. more than me and she's like 2 inches shorter. I just hate it cuz I was always soooo skinny and all of a sudden BLAM I gain 30 lbs and I honestly don't think I'll ever wear a bathing suit again. Especially this summer lol. I already look like I'm 4 months pregnant and I have for almost a year so I honestly don't know how my belly is gonna get any fuckin bigger it's gonna be like 2 bellies one on top of the other. I'm only 6 weeks and I've already gained a pound between week 5 and 6. I don't think I'm supposed to start gaining already. Here I am complaining and all I do is eat like a pig and I walk a mile maybe twice a week. It's hard to eat right when you don't have an oven or a stove and you have run out of dishes bcuz you can't wash them
That's another thing bothering me. I am actually somewhat of a neat freak. I need things clean to be happy. My house is so disgustingly dirty right now... that I'm about to honestly have a nervous breakdown. It's got me so stressed that my neck and shoulders hurt so bad all I can do is lay in bed all day on the heating pad. I feel like there are 2 100 lb weights on my shoulders. The dirty house stresses me out soo much that I'm too hurt to clean it. I mean there are dishes in the sink piles almost up to the cupboards that have been there since god knows when and Tom has so much fuckin junk there is no room in this fuckin place for all of it. I actually told him I might go stay with my mom until the water heater gets fixed. I know it would break his heart and be really hard for me not sleeping next to him but I can't stand being here.
God I just wanna break stuff lol.
My sister Chelsea is in Florida and today some of my cousins/friends of the family left for Mexico
I'm so jealous.
I'm hopin to stay in a hotel for at least one night for my bday.
And then I think I'm just gonna go out to eat with my mom and Meg and Chels and Tom. That's all I really want. That and a clean house.
I was gonna buy some clothes with my bday money but I don't feel like shopping in the plus size section. I guess I 'll just wait until I start getting my maternity clothes and just wear those until I get skinny again.
Every time I write an entry like this I worry about the people that think I'm always depressed and all I write about is the bad stuff. I just hope that everyone understands by now why I do that and I'm sorry I wish I had more good news for ya but I just don't at the moment and when I do I don't feel like writing about it cuz I guess I do think about bad things more than good. I also wanna say that until you have felt what I felt and lived what I've lived... don't judge me. Don't belittle my pain bcuz it's not as great as yours... it stull hurts. Don't say I should be thankful .. when you don't know what I have. I will get over this, I always do ... it's just taking a little longer than usual
anyways I'M HAVING A BABY so no bad thing matters that much anymore. I can look forward to my future and smile now. I saw Dr. Lee on Friday and he said that it's looking good for me. I guess there are some things going on (that you probably don't wanna know) that didn't happen and should have last time. He is optimistic about it and now I can finally start thinking about actually having this baby. The day before my bday we will hopefully finally see it on ultrasound. That would be the best bday gift I've ever gotten. I want to go in there, see the baby in the uterus where it should be and then I will finally be able to exhale.
Yea I guess I'm waiting to exhale lol.