(no subject)
I'm bored again and I've noticed a pattern in my life - when I have money I drink myself senseless until I have no money, then i have no money and gradually build up some sort work ethic and have this sudden realisation about what all my priorities are in life and begin to sort them out, then about two weeks or so later I just burn out and do fuck all until some money comes my way and the process begins anew.
And I'm just sitting here waiting for the money.
I'm still sketching and painting a bit, but not as much as I should do, I know it's hard of me to track time doing these things but it's definitely got to be less than an hour a day lately. I just laze about doing nothing and I don't know why, I aint been out with my mates in like two weeks, I haven't worked on my uni project in twice as long, I can't even remember doing or thinking anything good. I've had no ideas, nothing at all and it's just frustrating. I'm critical of everything I've done lately, I can't see anything good in any of it but I can't motivate myself to do anything to better it.
That's the problem right there, no motivation at all and I just don't know why, but I do know then when I don't have the feeling there, the passion, I just can't work at my best, lines you make just don't work, from the first stroke of pen or brush you know it's shit, my best work may have mistakes throughout it that get corrected and working through those things and correcting it makes it more interesting, like it's been a struggle wrestling with pen and paper until you can finally lay a decent composition down, but even then you can feel that it's right.
I once spent probably nearly an hour on one giant drawing at the Imperial War Museum before I'd actually put my first line down, I kept putting this line down for a soldier's helmet and it was swrong time and time again, and I kept tippexing it out and trying again and I didn't give up because I just had that feeling that I'd get it and when I finally got that first line right all the rest fell into place, of course there were errors given the size and scale of the piece but all in all I was very proud of it. These days I'm just not getting that feeling at all, I tried doing some work in the science museum maybe a week ago, probably moaned about on here actually, and just everything was going wrong, not just that my nibs were jammed and my paper wasn't really the right kind for my work, but I didn't have it in my head at the time.
I'm not one of these pretentious twats, I don't think there's anything special about being able to draw or paint or what have you, it's the same as everything else, everyone has a skill and they're all good, so don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about any of this emotion bollocks like these artistés that give it all this "OOh! I just cannot work like this" mincing around in their berets with their poncey devil beards and skimpy velvet clothes. But at the same time there's definitely a sort of mental state you've got to be in to do a good job, I'm not sure why I'm in it somedays and not others, sometimes you get into it after a while of doing some shite stuff and sometimes you're just like a man possessed churning out blinding stuff non stop days at a time, then that takes its toll and you're a nothing for months which is where I'm at right now.
I've got a few ideas what it boils down to; confidence, mood, health, concentration. usually you just know that if you'd kept at it, kept correcting things, worked on it, even started again, eventually you'd have worked your way into the proper swing of things and then your confidence goes back up to its usual level, you don't give a shit if people are looking over your shoulder at what you're doing, you're happier about it, and everything works together to keep your motivation high. But if any of the factors are low then you've got to push though and work at it, otherwise it's like stopping at a hurdle when just beyond it would have been clear flatland.
And after all that, I'm still a lazy bastard. I really need to sort myself out. On and off, on and off, it can't go on like this.
And I'm just sitting here waiting for the money.
I'm still sketching and painting a bit, but not as much as I should do, I know it's hard of me to track time doing these things but it's definitely got to be less than an hour a day lately. I just laze about doing nothing and I don't know why, I aint been out with my mates in like two weeks, I haven't worked on my uni project in twice as long, I can't even remember doing or thinking anything good. I've had no ideas, nothing at all and it's just frustrating. I'm critical of everything I've done lately, I can't see anything good in any of it but I can't motivate myself to do anything to better it.
That's the problem right there, no motivation at all and I just don't know why, but I do know then when I don't have the feeling there, the passion, I just can't work at my best, lines you make just don't work, from the first stroke of pen or brush you know it's shit, my best work may have mistakes throughout it that get corrected and working through those things and correcting it makes it more interesting, like it's been a struggle wrestling with pen and paper until you can finally lay a decent composition down, but even then you can feel that it's right.
I once spent probably nearly an hour on one giant drawing at the Imperial War Museum before I'd actually put my first line down, I kept putting this line down for a soldier's helmet and it was swrong time and time again, and I kept tippexing it out and trying again and I didn't give up because I just had that feeling that I'd get it and when I finally got that first line right all the rest fell into place, of course there were errors given the size and scale of the piece but all in all I was very proud of it. These days I'm just not getting that feeling at all, I tried doing some work in the science museum maybe a week ago, probably moaned about on here actually, and just everything was going wrong, not just that my nibs were jammed and my paper wasn't really the right kind for my work, but I didn't have it in my head at the time.
I'm not one of these pretentious twats, I don't think there's anything special about being able to draw or paint or what have you, it's the same as everything else, everyone has a skill and they're all good, so don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about any of this emotion bollocks like these artistés that give it all this "OOh! I just cannot work like this" mincing around in their berets with their poncey devil beards and skimpy velvet clothes. But at the same time there's definitely a sort of mental state you've got to be in to do a good job, I'm not sure why I'm in it somedays and not others, sometimes you get into it after a while of doing some shite stuff and sometimes you're just like a man possessed churning out blinding stuff non stop days at a time, then that takes its toll and you're a nothing for months which is where I'm at right now.
I've got a few ideas what it boils down to; confidence, mood, health, concentration. usually you just know that if you'd kept at it, kept correcting things, worked on it, even started again, eventually you'd have worked your way into the proper swing of things and then your confidence goes back up to its usual level, you don't give a shit if people are looking over your shoulder at what you're doing, you're happier about it, and everything works together to keep your motivation high. But if any of the factors are low then you've got to push though and work at it, otherwise it's like stopping at a hurdle when just beyond it would have been clear flatland.
And after all that, I'm still a lazy bastard. I really need to sort myself out. On and off, on and off, it can't go on like this.