The Art of Trying (Part 16)
I WAS going to cram more drama into this chapter, but I figure there needs to be a little bit of breathing-space to establish feelings and relationships etc. So in some ways I guess this is a bit of a filler-chapter, but hopefully will still keep your interest. :)
XOXOXOX
Ste felt so exhausted and lethargic he could have no doubt slept all day and all night, but at 5.30pm he was stirred by a familiar nightmare. It was one he’d had repeatedly in hospital - one which was ambiguous and mystifying but always woke him with a violent shiver and sweat plastered to his forehead. The staff at the hospital said it was normal; that he should get used to it for a while. They also said to expect hallucinations too, and they’d given him pills to ease the distress of it a bit. Where were they now?
Ste sat up quietly, his naked body covered in goose-bumps, but he couldn’t risk trying to get dressed - he’d only fuck it up and wake Brendan. He crossed the room to the big rucksack of his stuff which he hadn’t opened yet. The pills must be in there somewhere. He pulled the zipper roughly across with his teeth and emptied the contents to the floor. Out fell everything that Amy had packed for him; clothes, aftershave, a few DVD’s, his ipod, some drawings from the kids… he couldn’t see the pills. And FUCK, he needed them.
He felt his heart-rate start to rise uncomfortably as he began shoving the stuff around, searching all pockets and emptying all the containers, growing gradually more erratic and frantic as his blood ran cold around his veins, the disjointed images from the nightmare threatening to seep into his consciousness…
“Fuck, fuck, fuck…” he muttered to himself, “FUCK!”
“Stephen?” Brendan’s sleepy mumble sounded from the bed.
Ste didn’t even care about waking him now. “Brendan, where are the pills?!”
“The wha’…?”
“The pills! The fuckin’ pills - they gave ‘em to you or Amy the day before I left and I need ‘em, where are they?!”
“They gave me a few - which ones do ye need?”
“The BLUE ones!!”
Brendan looked at him seriously for a second, and Ste felt his insides clench in frustration; why wasn’t he moving?! He needed to hurry, this was an emergency!
“The BLUE ones Brendan!!” he repeated frantically.
“Stephen, you need to calm down.”
“NO, just GET them! - What’s the matter with you?!”
“Stephen, look at yourself!!” Brendan cried. “You’re actin’ insane, okay? I’m gonna get them now, but you need to relax.”
Brendan got off the bed, pulled a dressing-gown around himself and left the room… all too slow for Ste’s liking. He didn’t understand, did he?! He thought Ste was being stupid because he couldn’t feel what Ste was feeling; the rising panic, the churning stomach, the mass of surreal dark images swirling in the back of his mind… images he didn’t understand but bought him a sense of deep doom.
“Here.” Brendan said shortly when he returned. He was holding a small container full of the blue pills, tipped one into Stephen’s palm and watched with a small hint of exasperation as Ste necked it back in one.
“I had that dream again.” Ste explained quietly, wincing as the pill slowly moved down his throat.
“Yeah, I know. It scared ye.”
“It didn’t scare me.” Ste argued. “It jus’ doesn’t feel good.”
“You were bein’ a scardy-cat.”
“No! It’s not like that!” Ste looked upwards angrily… only to find Brendan was grinning at him. He was winding him up. His eyes were shining with mischievousness as he continued to gently mock him:
“Stephen, I told ye before there aren’t monsters under the bed.”
“Shut up.” Ste mumbled, his cheeks reddening as he tried to prevent the small amused smile creeping onto his face.
“Ye want a bed-time story to get you off aga…”
“I said shut up!” Ste pushed his fist lightly against Brendan’s bare chest, but his commandment came out more as a snigger. He smiled sheepishly. Okay… so maybe he was being a tiny bit stupid. Just a tiny bit.
He felt better with the pill now anyway, and as he got dressed into some more comfy jogging bottoms he made a mental note to keep the pills in his pocket from now on… much safer that way.
Brendan helped him pull on one of the jumpers Amy had packed for him, and just so it wasn’t too demeaning, Ste pretended to help Brendan do the same thing, until they were both decently covered up and slumped on the sofa once more. Brendan put on one of the DVDs, ‘District 9’, and as they munched on maltezers and watched it, Ste realised something --- This was the first time he and Brendan had ever watched TV together before.
It was a strange observation to make, really. It felt in many ways like he and Brendan had spent a whole lifetime together… like they knew each other in and out, for better and for worse… and yet an act as simple as this was alien to them.
It was nice.
It was really, really nice.
Brendan even jumped out of his skin at one of the more tense and scary moments, and Ste couldn’t help but erupt with laughter; intensely amused by Brendan’s genuine embarrassment at having let his guard down.
Now it was Brendan’s turn to mutter a sheepish, “Shut up.”
“Aw, do ya wanna hold my hand?” Ste smirked
Brendan just rolled his eyes, but his face was definitely slightly flushed with embarrassment. Ste felt his heart tug fondly at the sight.
The second - and more annoying - discovery was that Brendan was one of those people who talked through films. At first, Ste didn’t really notice it; it was just nice to sit together and chat rubbish like normal people. But as Brendan’s subconscious mutterings became more regular, Ste started to sense the pattern; the blatant lack of movie-etiquette that Brendan had.
“Why would he do that?”
“Oh c’mon, fucking run.”
“Which one is that one?”
“It’s obvious he’s not well, what’s he even thinkin’?!”
“He’s not gonna fall for that.”
“Yeah right; like he’d fall for that. No way.”
“That’s a stupid move.”
“What did he jus’ say?”
“Stephen, what did he jus’ say?”
“Fuck, I missed what he said.”
“I know!!” Ste finally groaned; half-amused and half-exasperated, “Cos you talked through it, didn’t ya?! COURSE you missed it!”
“Alrigh’, don’t get yer knickers in a twist, just wind it back.”
“No, you don’t even get it; just let me watch the end.”
“I… of course I get it; It’s just stupid.”
“Brendan, it’s just a film!”
“Yeah but it’s not realistic.” Brendan sat bolt upright, dead serious, dead intent on explaining his analysis to Stephen. “If he’d have had any sense there’s no way he’d have trusted that funny blo---“
“Uh! Brendan!” Ste cut him off sharply, pushing a brave hand into Brendan’s face as he tried to fend off his incessant scrutiny. “I’m tryin’ to watch it, yeah?!”
“Are you tellin’ me to shut up??” Brendan blurted, incredulous.
“Yes! Shut up! Stop talkin’!” Ste kept his eyes fixated on the screen, trying to ignore Brendan’s perplexed and disbelieving expression at having been shot down in such a way.
For a while Brendan was silent, and Ste wandered whether he’d returned to watching the film or whether he had gone into some kind of Brendan-like sulk. It seemed to be the latter, for he eventually retorted moodily; “It’s my TV ye know, Stephen. I can turn it off at any time.”
To which Ste only replied with an even more infuriating, “Shhhhh.”
After that Brendan got off the sofa and moved over to the dining room table to fiddle about on his laptop. Ste smirked. The initial warm feeling of watching a film together made him long a little bit for Brendan to come back, but he also felt a strong sense of satisfaction and glee at having won the disagreement with integrity in tact.
XOXOXOXO
Living in the Brady house for three days, with Brendan taking each of those days off work had been like a safe bubble for Ste. He would still get upset, embarrassed and anxious, but it was okay because Brendan seemed to be patient - or at least tolerate it at this stage. On the third night Ste went to sleep in Brendan’s bedroom. They’d had sex again, and then talked a little bit, and fallen asleep - arms wrapped around and everything.
Ste lay parcelled against Brendan’s chest, with Brendan’s arm wrapped tight and protectively around his shoulders, and reflected for a moment. It was mad, this. All of this. Him moving in and now them being like this together… it was what Stephen had always wanted them to share. It was what he’d pined and nagged and strived for them to have for over a year - but it had always been impossible. And now, seemingly out of their control, without hardly any effort being put into it at all - they were here. As if by default. Sleeping together and talking together and spending the whole day in one another’s company. Bickering and laughing. Like normal people. Almost like… a couple. Like the couple he never thought they could be.
It was crazy, Ste thought, how things worked out.
Of course, the only snag was the circumstances that had bought them here. And as Ste lay now pressed into Brendan’s body, he couldn’t help his mind wandering to less optimistic thoughts…
He still didn’t know what had happened to Brendan’s dad. A huge part of him didn’t want to know. A huge part of him wanted to forget it - forget him, because whenever he thought back to that day when Mr Brady had ordered his bones to be broken, it made his body quiver in fear and loathing and haunting memories.
And yet he knew there was something to be feared in Brendan’s haste to erase Mr Brady from their memories. He knew Brendan had been furious, vengeful. And he’d seen Brendan act on those sort of emotions before. He just couldn’t bear to think what Brendan might of done… because if he knew, it might not be so easy to hold him now, and feel safe.
And he needed to feel safe. Nothing worked anymore; not his hands, not his mind fully. He often lost his trail of thought, and he was suffering nightmares, panic attacks, detachment from reality. He’d often find himself blinking out of a long daze and finding Cheryl laughing at him saying “I’ve been speaking to you for about 15 minutes - have you not been listening?!”
It was disorientating and surreal.
But closeted within these walls, with Brendan’s watchful gaze always lingering, there was a feeling of protection that he didn’t want to tamper with.
Which bought him to his final concern… at some point he’d have to leave the house. Amy had already called at some point saying she was taking the kids to the park, and did Ste want to come? He made up some excuse about being knackered. But in all honesty, the idea of stepping out right now sent a small shiver of trepidation crusading through his spine. He didn’t want to deal with people looking, people knowing, people talking at him and him not being able to concentrate properly on their words.
He knew it was irrational, but all he wanted was to stay in his house forever and demand that Brendan stay with him, because things were easier that way.
And on Tuesday, he heard the situation being addressed.
“Brendan, you can’t keep him LOCKED indoors, he needs to start getting back to normal!”
Ste lingered back in the shadows. It was 11:03am, and Brendan and Cheryl were having breakfast. They thought Ste was still asleep. And he would let them think that.
“Give him a chance, Chez, it’s been four days!”
“Yes and the sooner he gets back into his old routine the better, surely?!”
“What the hell do you know about it?!”
“I know you’re being over-protective.” Cheryl stated, bluntly.
“Oh, don’t be ridiculous.”
“All I said was he should come visit Chez Chez, jog his memories a bit… and you acted like I was throwing him into a pack of wolves!!”
“He’s NOT ready yet.”
“Have you ASKED him?!”
“I don’t need to ask him!” Brendan insisted. “I’m tellin’ ye. He’s not ready.”
“He’s not an invalid Brendan. You can’t keep him here wrapped in cotton wool for the rest of your lives, okay?”
“Can you shut up now? Please.”
“Love,” Cheryl sighed deeply. Her voice went soft, quiet, sincere. Ste couldn’t see, but he imagined her holding Brendan’s arm the way she did, up in his face and searching for eye-contact. “I know you want to look out for him; I get that. But it’s not a big-bad-world out there, okay? It’s safe. And he’s a big boy.”
“Give it a rest, yeah?” Brendan grunted.
“It’s not your place to keep him locked away just so YOU can feel important and needed…”
“Cheryl! Seriously! We’re done here. Okay? We’re done.”
Creak.
Ste flinched. He’d put too much pressure on his left foot, and the floorboards had squeaked, giving away his hiding position. Both Cheryl and Brendan shut up immediately, and Ste shuffled awkwardly through the bedroom door to join them at the dining table.
“Mornin’.” He mumbled quietly.
“Morning love.” Cheryl smiled. Her big fake cringe-worthy grin that she used when she was trying to diffuse tension. “Did you sleep well?”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
“And all ready for Rodger to come today?”
“Yeah.” Ste nodded and slipped into the seat beside Brendan, who passed over his plate of toast immediately.
Cheryl glanced at Brendan uncertainly, and then mumbled, “Um… Ste… I was actually wandering if you fancied comin’ into work with me today? After your physiotherapy, I mean.”
“Chez.” Brendan hissed.
“Only it’s just because the rest of the staff miss you, that’s all, and it might do you good; a bit of fresh air…”
“Um. Yeah. Maybe.” Ste muttered uncomfortably. “I’ll see later.”
“Okay. Well I could come pick you up around 3… that’s when Rodger’s leaving isn’t…”
“Chez!” Brendan spluttered angrily, “What’s with all the pressure? He said maybe.”
“Alright Brendan.”
“Just leave it alone.”
“Okay okay!!” Cheryl sighed dramatically, rising and pulling her handbag over her shoulder. “I know when I’m not wanted in my own home. Gees. I’ll give you a call later, Ste.”
And she marched out of the door.
The house resumed it’s calm tranquillity and peaceful silence once more.
Ste frowned, and turned to Brendan, “I thought you were goin’ back to work today…?”
“Yeah, well. Few more days won’t hurt.”
Ste felt his chest surge with a wave of gratitude and happiness. Truth be told he wasn’t very much looking forward to tottering about on his own for half the day. And he was enjoying Brendan’s company lately - a lot. And yet he knew there was more to Brendan’s change-of-plan than just kindness.
“It’s cos of Rodger, innit?”
Brendan gulped back his tea aggressively. Ste could recognise the immediate small sign of irritation in his expression as his cheek ticked. “What is?”
“You. Stayin’ here.”
Brendan sighed, acting as though he was bored by the conversation. “Is that right?”
Ste smirked. He knew it. “You’re well paranoid, you!”
“Yeah well Stephen, not all of us jus’ blindly open our doors to complete strangers, alright?! It’s common sense.”
“He’s not a stranger, he’s a professional.”
“Yeah, who just-so-happens to be kind enough to do door-to-door visits, right? He’s a fuckin’ do-gooder, okay, and ye should never trust a do-gooder.”
Ste rolled his eyes. “Right. Doesn’t matter that he’s helpin’ me then?”
“Ye don’t need his help. He just wants you to think that.”
“Urh, you’re not gonna say any of this to him are ya?!”
“I might do.”
“Well don’t! I like him. He’s a nice bloke.”
“Yeah, and a few weeks ago you took a drink off a nice bloke, Stephen, and look where it’s landed ye! Christ, you never bloody learn do you?!”
Brendan tossed the plate abruptly into the sink, his back completely turned but his physique still obviously tensed. But Ste couldn’t help but smile. So that’s what this was about. It wasn’t jealousy or possessiveness at all… it wasn’t Brendan trying to be the big I-Am and it wasn’t Brendan marking his territory……. It was Brendan being afraid because of what happened last time he let a guy move in too close to Ste.
Ste felt his chest swell fondly. Brendan was worried about him. Because Brendan cared about him. Like he said just yesterday… he loved him.
Brendan jumped in surprise when he felt Ste’s arms snake gently around him, linking around his stomach, and Ste’s nose nuzzling softly into Brendan’s back. It was an embrace so delicately innocent that he almost felt uncomfortable and shook the lad off. But nobody was watching. And it kind of felt warm and nice when he ignored the indignity of it. He let Ste trap him there for a good few seconds longer.
“You don’t have to worry about me, you know.” Ste spoke matter-a-factly.
“Yeah, but I do.” He muttered gruffly, coughing slightly to cover the awkwardness of such a confession.
“Hm. That’s alright.”
Ste sighed softly and released his arms, letting Brendan turn and face him. They studied each other sincerely.
“So, um…” Ste licked his lips. “Can I tell Rodger that you’re like… a boyfriend, then?”
Brendan tensed. And Ste immediately feared he’d said the wrong thing; broken the intimacy of the moment. But once again - as he had done so many times in the last few weeks - Brendan surprised him.
“Stephen, that better be the first thing you say to ‘im.”
Ste let out a laugh of genuine exhilarated contentment. “Yeah, okay.”
“I don’t want him gettin’ any funny ideas.”
“Alright.”
“An’ if he suddenly isn’t available for door-to-door helpfulness anymore, we’ll know I was right, won’t we?”
Ste sniggered. “Sure. Whatever you say.”
“Alright. Go get dressed then. Or not. Whatever the case may be.”
It seemed only absolutely fitting in that moment that Ste choose not to do so, and despite all his fears and reservations in that moment, as he and Brendan collapsed nakedly onto the bed once again, he felt happier than he’d ever been.