near zero on the scale of materiality
"Our souls are like those orphans whose unwedded mothers die in bearing them: the secret of our paternity lies in their grave, and we must there to learn it."
-Melville
I will try to speak truthfully in this post, but the truths are painful.
I am trying to recover my relationship with my son, William.
He is four years old, and he is jealous of his baby sister. He is managing to make his displeasure known. His behavior has turned not only defiant, but also destructive. This week, after taking a dump in our upstairs toilet, he threw all of his bath toys in the toilet before he flushed it. The toilet overflowed, but we didn't know it. We didn't know anything was wrong until we heard sewage raining down into our DOWNSTAIRS bathroom. The plumbing bill was $500. It'll likely be another $1,500 to replace the ceiling in our downstairs bathroom.
This morning he hit his one-year-old sister in the mouth with a plastic golf club. On purpose. It was Sydney's first bloody lip.
These are just a couple of examples. I don't know how my wonderful son transformed into this person that I don't know. It's only happened in the last three weeks or so. I feel like I can already tell what kind of person he's going to turn out to be, and I'm so ashamed. Somehow I have failed him, and to be honest, I think I'd rather die than watch him turn into a violent, destructive adult.
Life isn't that pleasant right now. Renee and I are both working, and since she is working shift work and I work a standard 8-5, M-F job, we rarely have days off that coincide. Whenever we aren't working, we're taking care of the kids and doing enough housework to keep the household running. We're stuck up here 5,000 miles from anyone whom we trust to take the kids off our hands for more than a few hours at a time.
Renee has applications out for transfers into two different positions with the weather service, but one is Great Falls, MT (where there will be ZERO publishing work for me), and the other is on Long Island, NY. Just down the road from her family... who hates me. Great.
Sex is down to once a week or less. That's not helping things. We're tired all the time, and when Renee is tired, she just doesn't want to have sex. I, however, could be on my death bed coughing up blood from a fatal case of tuberculosis, and I would still be ready for sex. I know for her sex is just about satisfying a physical desire, but for me, it's how we connect emotionally. It's how I know that despite everything, we're still okay. It's how I feel safe and secure in our marriage. I know she loves me; we just show it in different ways. That difference, however, can be a source of stress.
Before I met Renee, I used to think that once I met my true love and married her, life would be very easy because no matter what obstacles might arise, I would have the love and support of my wonderful bride. Well, I have the love and support of a wonderful woman, but life now is as stressful as it always was. My hair is thinning at an alarming rate.
Summer has a been a joke this year. I can count on one hand the number of days in which the temp got above 65. It's overcast literally every single day. I never thought I'd suffer from seasonal affective disorder during the summer....
I'm lucky to have a good job and to have a wife with a good job. I'm lucky to have a family in which everyone is healthy. I'm lucky to be financially stable and secure at the moment. I'm lucky to have a wife who loves me.
-Melville
I will try to speak truthfully in this post, but the truths are painful.
I am trying to recover my relationship with my son, William.
He is four years old, and he is jealous of his baby sister. He is managing to make his displeasure known. His behavior has turned not only defiant, but also destructive. This week, after taking a dump in our upstairs toilet, he threw all of his bath toys in the toilet before he flushed it. The toilet overflowed, but we didn't know it. We didn't know anything was wrong until we heard sewage raining down into our DOWNSTAIRS bathroom. The plumbing bill was $500. It'll likely be another $1,500 to replace the ceiling in our downstairs bathroom.
This morning he hit his one-year-old sister in the mouth with a plastic golf club. On purpose. It was Sydney's first bloody lip.
These are just a couple of examples. I don't know how my wonderful son transformed into this person that I don't know. It's only happened in the last three weeks or so. I feel like I can already tell what kind of person he's going to turn out to be, and I'm so ashamed. Somehow I have failed him, and to be honest, I think I'd rather die than watch him turn into a violent, destructive adult.
Life isn't that pleasant right now. Renee and I are both working, and since she is working shift work and I work a standard 8-5, M-F job, we rarely have days off that coincide. Whenever we aren't working, we're taking care of the kids and doing enough housework to keep the household running. We're stuck up here 5,000 miles from anyone whom we trust to take the kids off our hands for more than a few hours at a time.
Renee has applications out for transfers into two different positions with the weather service, but one is Great Falls, MT (where there will be ZERO publishing work for me), and the other is on Long Island, NY. Just down the road from her family... who hates me. Great.
Sex is down to once a week or less. That's not helping things. We're tired all the time, and when Renee is tired, she just doesn't want to have sex. I, however, could be on my death bed coughing up blood from a fatal case of tuberculosis, and I would still be ready for sex. I know for her sex is just about satisfying a physical desire, but for me, it's how we connect emotionally. It's how I know that despite everything, we're still okay. It's how I feel safe and secure in our marriage. I know she loves me; we just show it in different ways. That difference, however, can be a source of stress.
Before I met Renee, I used to think that once I met my true love and married her, life would be very easy because no matter what obstacles might arise, I would have the love and support of my wonderful bride. Well, I have the love and support of a wonderful woman, but life now is as stressful as it always was. My hair is thinning at an alarming rate.
Summer has a been a joke this year. I can count on one hand the number of days in which the temp got above 65. It's overcast literally every single day. I never thought I'd suffer from seasonal affective disorder during the summer....
I'm lucky to have a good job and to have a wife with a good job. I'm lucky to have a family in which everyone is healthy. I'm lucky to be financially stable and secure at the moment. I'm lucky to have a wife who loves me.