And the embers never fade in your city by the lake
"And then, a little while,
all softnesses that line a human nest
are gone: low voices, the velvet art
of sleeping faces, long breaths to sleep,
and the long breaths back again.
Home gone down."
-Eimers
Time is never time at all.
Renee and I have had a strained week. We have different priorities. She is more concerned with planning for the future. I am more concerned with living our lives in the moment. There are many things that I would like to do now that don't fit in with her plans for our future (second kid in a year or two, transfers for her, life insurance, retirement plans, college funds, etc.) Many of the things I want to do seem childish to her. For instance, when I start working soon, I would like to buy a pick-up truck so that I have the ability to move large appliances and furniture for the house from place to place. To her, this is stupid because you're not supposed to use a child seat in a pickup truck, and they get horrible gas mileage and require more maintenance. She would like me to buy a more fuel efficient vehicle with more seating capacity. Never mind that I grew up on a farm and know the usefulness of a truck.
This is just one example. There are many issues facing us. Both of us have valid points on every issue. I sometimes consider her opinions anal, overly cautious, uptight, or controlling. She sometimes considers my opinions childish and irresponsible. I don't mind disagreeing with her. That's normal. We're two different people. However, she has started to - occasionally, when tired or stressed - give me orders and speak to me as if I were a child.
I don't understand this. Where is this coming from? I'm starting to feel like my crazy mom is making a new appearance in my life. I have nothing but love and respect for Renee, and I treat her with love and respect. Why isn't she treating me the same way? How can this be happening? We were perfect together! I have done everything she has asked. I quit my job and moved to Alaska. I became a stay-at-home parent like she wanted. Suddenly, she isn't treating me like an equal. I watched my mom do this to my dad until it nearly drove him insane.
We have talked about it. Right now, she doesn't do it nearly as often or to the degree that my mom did it, but I am worried about what will happen if it gets worse. The few times that she has done it, I have stopped her and demanded to be treated like an equal. We talk about it, but I haven't gotten her to admit what thoughts she has been having about me that lead her to suddenly treat me like an idiot child who doesn't know anything. Once I broach the subject, she clams up and doesn't say very much about it. She insists that she sees me as an equal, but she has yet to tell me where this behavior is coming from. I must be doing something wrong that is causing her to view me differently. I will never divorce Renee - I just want to know how to fix the problem so that we can go back to the way we were.
I have to tell you, though. If the impossible happened and we separated, I'm not sure that I would ever marry again. I think I am starting to hate women. If this marriage crumbles, I can easily see myself spending the rest of my life in a series of meaningless sexual relationships.
I had an excellent job interview today. I expect to be called on Wednesday and told that I'm a new associate editor at a local communications firm. If I get the job, maybe she will respect me more.
Here's hoping.
all softnesses that line a human nest
are gone: low voices, the velvet art
of sleeping faces, long breaths to sleep,
and the long breaths back again.
Home gone down."
-Eimers
Time is never time at all.
Renee and I have had a strained week. We have different priorities. She is more concerned with planning for the future. I am more concerned with living our lives in the moment. There are many things that I would like to do now that don't fit in with her plans for our future (second kid in a year or two, transfers for her, life insurance, retirement plans, college funds, etc.) Many of the things I want to do seem childish to her. For instance, when I start working soon, I would like to buy a pick-up truck so that I have the ability to move large appliances and furniture for the house from place to place. To her, this is stupid because you're not supposed to use a child seat in a pickup truck, and they get horrible gas mileage and require more maintenance. She would like me to buy a more fuel efficient vehicle with more seating capacity. Never mind that I grew up on a farm and know the usefulness of a truck.
This is just one example. There are many issues facing us. Both of us have valid points on every issue. I sometimes consider her opinions anal, overly cautious, uptight, or controlling. She sometimes considers my opinions childish and irresponsible. I don't mind disagreeing with her. That's normal. We're two different people. However, she has started to - occasionally, when tired or stressed - give me orders and speak to me as if I were a child.
I don't understand this. Where is this coming from? I'm starting to feel like my crazy mom is making a new appearance in my life. I have nothing but love and respect for Renee, and I treat her with love and respect. Why isn't she treating me the same way? How can this be happening? We were perfect together! I have done everything she has asked. I quit my job and moved to Alaska. I became a stay-at-home parent like she wanted. Suddenly, she isn't treating me like an equal. I watched my mom do this to my dad until it nearly drove him insane.
We have talked about it. Right now, she doesn't do it nearly as often or to the degree that my mom did it, but I am worried about what will happen if it gets worse. The few times that she has done it, I have stopped her and demanded to be treated like an equal. We talk about it, but I haven't gotten her to admit what thoughts she has been having about me that lead her to suddenly treat me like an idiot child who doesn't know anything. Once I broach the subject, she clams up and doesn't say very much about it. She insists that she sees me as an equal, but she has yet to tell me where this behavior is coming from. I must be doing something wrong that is causing her to view me differently. I will never divorce Renee - I just want to know how to fix the problem so that we can go back to the way we were.
I have to tell you, though. If the impossible happened and we separated, I'm not sure that I would ever marry again. I think I am starting to hate women. If this marriage crumbles, I can easily see myself spending the rest of my life in a series of meaningless sexual relationships.
I had an excellent job interview today. I expect to be called on Wednesday and told that I'm a new associate editor at a local communications firm. If I get the job, maybe she will respect me more.
Here's hoping.