home is a feeling I buried in you
Today is the third year anniversary of Sam's death. It's strange to think that three years have actually gone by. It seems like yesterday and at times I don't even really realize he's gone but then I visit Ocala and I realize yes he is dead. It's amazing at everything that has changed in the past 3 years.
In 3 years I've graduated from high school. I've had two different boyfriends and broken two boys hearts. I've had so much good and bad happen and Sam hasn't been there to talk about it. I've discovered new bands and road trips and that feeling I can't describe to him. My mom has left GA and moved to Florida. We had our relationship destroyed and put back together. Mari has had Mckenzie and is pregnant again. My uncle has died. I've had a giant hole in my life where he hasn't been there.
I guess this is the part where I will actually explain the subject for once. The title comes from Greenwheel's song lyrics for Breathe. It has to do with my own personal meaning for it. For me the song reminds me of Sam. Florida was always where I felt like I was at home. My aunt's was my safe place and when he killed himself it destroyed that. When he died it took my feelings of home so it became literally home is a feeling I buried in you. Also ironically enough he lived for a few minutes after the gunshot wound which was in his chest so I'm sure it really did hurt when he was breathing. I think that's why breathe is probably my least favorite song by them. I've also never shared this story with Greenwheel because it's more than a bit depressing. Sorry I'm in a very morbidly fucked up mood today.
For those of you who do not know who Sam was, he was my cousin in law. Him and my cousin were together from the time I was 10 till he died a few months before my 18th birthday. He was my favorite person in this whole world. I would talk to him about anything and everything. Anytime we were together we would stay up till 5:30 in the morning just talking about everything going on in our lives. He was older than me by like 8 years but we were still unbelievably close. He's one of the few people I opened up to about how bad my dad and Troy's suicide's hurt me, and how much damage other things in my life did to me. When he died it screwed me up so much more because it felt like such a betrayal from him. I still miss him so so much. I would still give up everything from the past three years just to have him back. I miss having him around and knowing I could talk to him about anything.
In 3 years I've graduated from high school. I've had two different boyfriends and broken two boys hearts. I've had so much good and bad happen and Sam hasn't been there to talk about it. I've discovered new bands and road trips and that feeling I can't describe to him. My mom has left GA and moved to Florida. We had our relationship destroyed and put back together. Mari has had Mckenzie and is pregnant again. My uncle has died. I've had a giant hole in my life where he hasn't been there.
I guess this is the part where I will actually explain the subject for once. The title comes from Greenwheel's song lyrics for Breathe. It has to do with my own personal meaning for it. For me the song reminds me of Sam. Florida was always where I felt like I was at home. My aunt's was my safe place and when he killed himself it destroyed that. When he died it took my feelings of home so it became literally home is a feeling I buried in you. Also ironically enough he lived for a few minutes after the gunshot wound which was in his chest so I'm sure it really did hurt when he was breathing. I think that's why breathe is probably my least favorite song by them. I've also never shared this story with Greenwheel because it's more than a bit depressing. Sorry I'm in a very morbidly fucked up mood today.
For those of you who do not know who Sam was, he was my cousin in law. Him and my cousin were together from the time I was 10 till he died a few months before my 18th birthday. He was my favorite person in this whole world. I would talk to him about anything and everything. Anytime we were together we would stay up till 5:30 in the morning just talking about everything going on in our lives. He was older than me by like 8 years but we were still unbelievably close. He's one of the few people I opened up to about how bad my dad and Troy's suicide's hurt me, and how much damage other things in my life did to me. When he died it screwed me up so much more because it felt like such a betrayal from him. I still miss him so so much. I would still give up everything from the past three years just to have him back. I miss having him around and knowing I could talk to him about anything.