more emo than usual. will be deleted soon.

[lemonpie]

Going back to the standard girl way of thinking, the way I thought when I was merely ten and lonely, I have decided that the only time I ever feel slightly comfortable with myself is when I stop eating completely. My plans are not to become anorexic, but as the stereotype goes in its glamorous fashion, it is all that I can control right now. I have no real future, my education is down the drain and I am too pussy to do anything about this. Courtney Egan once told me that I'm afraid of failure and I laughed in her face, saying that I already knew I was a failure and fear had nothing to do with it. It may be possible that she was right, seeing as how two months ago I was on a much better track in life than I am today. That school was my security blanket and now it's gone and I've nothing to show for it. I like to act like I know what I'm talking about and disguise the fact that I have nothing solid to back myself up. I refuse to give in to any form of feminism or ism of any kind, not because pride sickens me but because I am not strong enough to hold my own. I surround myself with people who are better than me so that I can feel like I am worth something, but alas, the joke is on me; I am worthless. I do not take advantage of opportunities given to me because I have no real motivation or self-esteem to face the challenges they will bring. I will hide in my room for days at a time and hope that no one screams on the rare occasions I choose to come out. I can play off my lack of grace and charm with obnoxious jokes that make no sense and I will accept my role as the fat ugly friend with sticky red fingers. I am not charming or witty and if you thought so then I did a great job of tricking you, but I assure you that I am a terrible liar. I try lying to myself in hopes that things will get better but it always fails at the end of the day and I am left sobbing in a pool of uneloquent truth before shaking into an uneasy sleep. At least if I don't munch nervously on every edible substance in sight, I can feel less trapped in this bodily prison. I could tell you that this will all be over soon and that I will pop out of my hermit shell in no time flat with a happy smile and another dumb joke, but that laughter is just what keeps me numb and like I said, I can only lie about these things for so long.

This is the only way I know how to improve.