Fic: The Dead Can Live (part 12 of 14)
Esca’s head was full of questions which, when answered, led only to more questions for him to consider. Leave or stay. Trenus or Marcus. Every point in favour of one was countered by a point in favour of the other and as he ambled along on Agilis he despaired of ever being able to decide what to do for the best. For hours he had thought of nothing else but the dilemma before him and now he felt like a hound chasing its tail, never quite achieving its goal. Time to take a deep breath and start again, he thought. He had loved Trenus; he had mourned his loss as much as he had mourned the loss of his family and his freedom and he had never expected that love to be surpassed by anything else. Then he had found Marcus and the heart that he had thought was cold and dead had been coaxed back to life. Marcus had saved not only his life but his soul, eventually bringing him the promise of a future worth living but then he had torn that happiness from Esca’s grasp, thinking only of himself and that was when Trenus had come back, offering a chance to recapture some of the life that Rome had tried to take away.
A future with Trenus had never been an option when they lived amongst the Brigantes. While they would always have remained friends and perhaps, now and then, slipped away to be alone together they would both have found wives, for Esca could hardly have become chieftain and kept Trenus by his side as his lover. With Marcus, it had been different. Esca had foreseen a future with just the two of them, living and working alongside each other and he had embraced that idea wholeheartedly until Marcus changed his mind. In his sorrow over Marcus’s betrayal, Trenus had brought much-needed comfort and Esca did not want to feel the sharp sting of his loss again but he missed Marcus, there was no point in denying it. Anger still flared occasionally when he considered how easily he had been rebuffed but it was not as bright as it once had and even with Marcus so close, Esca felt his loss every moment of every day.
If he left, would he ever be able to forget? If he chose to go with Trenus, Esca was not sure they could ever be to each other again what they had once been but perhaps in time they could and it would be enough. But always, his thoughts came back to Marcus. With Marcus, the passion that had grown between them had proved to be all-consuming and although he had never meant to let the man delve so deep into his heart, once there he was not easily forgotten.
Ah, enough! Esca’s head was beginning to ache with the jumble of thoughts milling around inside it and he looked up at the sky, letting out a loud roar of frustration. Startled by the sudden noise, Agilis shied and whinnied softly then his pace slowed until he stopped completely, lowering his head to pull at the lush grass beneath them.
“Just a little further, my friend,” Esca said when he had recovered his composure, kicking his heels against Agilis’s sides and urging him onwards again. “We’ll stop soon, I promise.”
When they had left the farm, Esca and Agilis had followed the stream as best they could for several miles but now they could see the edge of the great forest that spread out as far as the eye could see, offering seclusion and shelter. When they reached the trees, Esca steered Agilis along a narrow path that he remembered from the time months before when he and Marcus had come this way, exploring their new surroundings. As he had done with Marcus that day, Esca followed the trail that wound deep into the forest until he found the clearing that surrounded a small pool and he jumped nimbly down from Agilis, tethering him to a tree.
Since he was no nearer to making a decision than he had been when he had left the farm that morning, he busied himself gathering wood for a fire then settled between two of the large, gnarled roots at the base of the tree and watched Agilis graze peacefully in the shade. When he was younger and there had been a puzzle for him to mull over, Esca had always found that it helped to talk to his father or his mother but this time there was no-one, only a clumsy old cart-horse.
“What shall I do Agilis?” he asked. “If all had been well with Marcus when Trenus was found I do not think I would be here now, trying to decide whether to stay or go. If all had been well, I would never have considered leaving Marcus’s side. Well,” he admitted to his silent audience, “perhaps a fleeting thought at the temptation of a new adventure but nothing more. Is that the only question I have to find the answer to then? Can I forgive him? If I ask myself whether I still love Marcus then the answer must be yes for such love does not die quickly but forgiveness? I am not so sure. Then there is Trenus.” Esca sighed and looked up at Agilis. “I thought him dead for so long but I never forgot him and he has never done anything that required my forgiveness.”
If he looked into his heart and found Marcus undeserving then he could not stay on the farm with him, no matter what. He was not even sure that things could be put right between them but Marcus had been so genuinely contrite when Esca had told him that he may leave, he found it difficult to doubt the sincerity of the apology that followed. Marcus still loved him, he was sure of that. The hurt in his eyes upon revealing that he had seen him with Trenus that night, that one night when they had allowed old feelings to resurface, had left Esca in no doubt.
He sat for a while longer and thought of the grief he had felt when he had been taken as a slave, the desperation to escape the clutches of Rome and be amongst his own people again. For years he had clung to memories of his past as he had endured life as a slave; each time he had been beaten and mistreated, forced to serve the whims of his Roman masters in whichever way they wanted, he had remembered better times to sustain him. Sometimes he thought of his father and his little brothers and his mother’s smile but also of Trenus, of the times they had roamed the moors and swum in the pool beneath the waterfall, their favourite place. Then one day he had looked up from the dirt in the arena in Calleva and he had seen Marcus and in that moment, as the very jaws of death had snapped at him, all thoughts of his past had faded to be replaced by the earnest face of a Roman.
A sudden gust of cold wind rustled the forest canopy, making Esca shiver and draw his cloak tightly around his shoulders. He used the wood he had gathered earlier to lay a small fire to warm himself against the chill and when he was done he sat cross-legged beside the crackling flames and dug into the bag of provisions he had brought with him, his empty stomach welcoming the first food he had eaten in hours.
It was a strange feeling to be outside like this for he could not remember the last time he had been alone, away from the farm but Esca pushed aside the sudden dislike of such solitude that crept over him and forced his mind to return to the decision that had to be made. He continued to sit by the fire for some time mulling over the same thoughts, occasionally adding more wood but it was not until the pile beside him had almost gone that he realised darkness had fallen and he was too tired to think further that night. He stoked the embers and added the last of the kindling, huddling deeper into his cloak and curling up to try and sleep on the ground, just as he had done every night on his travels with Marcus, searching for the lost eagle standard.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Marcus stared sadly at the congealed, blackened mess in his bowl and poked at it with his spoon. If he was left alone at the farm then he would have to employ additional help to run the place, maybe build some extra rooms onto the house as Uncle Aquila had suggested, so he might as well employ a cook to stop himself from starving.
“Esca always tells me off for my inability to warm food without burning it,” he said, gingerly taking a mouthful and chewing it. “It seems I have not learned that particular lesson yet.”
“This is still better than some of the food I’ve eaten over the past few years,” Trenus replied. “I expect your mind was elsewhere.”
“As yours must be.”
“Perhaps, but there is little either of us can do until he returns.”
Marcus nodded in agreement, envying Trenus his ability to stay so calm. “By this hour tomorrow we will know,” he said, eyes searching the other man’s face for any sign of emotion that might confirm Trenus was as anxious as he was. “Is there nothing that will make you remain here?”
“You said I was free to go if I so wished.”
Trenus narrowed his eyes and frowned but Marcus was quick to allay his suspicions.
“And I will honour that,” he assured, annoyed at himself for having even the slightest thought of manipulating the situation. It was too late for that anyway for if Esca came back having decided to leave and found that Trenus had been encouraged to change his mind, he would likely still leave on his own to spite them both! “I am sorry,” Marcus continued. “It seems I would do anything to have Esca stay here, even if it means trying to persuade you to change your mind but that is unfair of me. I promised you genuine freedom and you shall have it, whatever the cost.”
Brow still furrowed, Trenus regarded him curiously.
“If you truly want him to stay with you,” he asked, “why not simply refuse to let him leave? You would be able to find some way to force his hand. You Romans pride yourselves on your ability to bend others to your will.”
“This is Esca we speak of,” Marcus said with a hollow laugh. “Do you really think I could stop him?”
“No.” A fond smile began to curve the corners of Trenus’s mouth. “He has always been strong-willed.”
“I learned that as soon as I met him. Even after so many years as a slave, he was filled with defiance and anger but still, there was no malice.” Marcus abandoned his dinner and washed the taste out of his mouth with a long drink. “It takes an exceptional man to care for his enemy as well as Esca cared for me.”
“Enslavement is hard on any man and for him it would be doubly so but his spirit will not easily be broken. He would have been as great a chieftain as his father, perhaps more so.”
“I have no doubt of that.”
“Stubborn and wilful but faithful and shrewd.” Trenus’s smile widened, no doubt remembering an episode from their youth when Esca had steadfastly refused to be diverted from his chosen path and had gone his own way, consequences be damned. “Yes, Esca would have made a great chieftain, one to strike fear into the hearts of any who threatened his people.”
“When I gave him his freedom,” Marcus said, “he could have left me to die but instead, he went for help and came back to risk his life for me. He deserves to be truly free to live the life of his choosing more than any man I have ever met, more than any Roman. This place is as much his as mine for I would have nothing without him.” He paused to think of all that he owed Esca and how he had repaid him with rejection. “I have no fight with you, Trenus. Whatever Esca decides, I will accept without question.”
“As shall I.”
They glanced up at each other across the table and it was Trenus who looked away first to resume his meal, evidently unwilling to let even Marcus’s burnt offering go to waste.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Esca awoke, stiff and cold, the fire long since dead and a new morning already upon him, dim light filtering through the trees. He rolled over to check that Agilis was still safely tethered and prised himself off the ground to sit with his knees drawn up to his chest, rubbing his arms to restore some feeling to them before kneeling by the tiny pool and splashing icy cold water on his face. At the shock, his mind sprang into action and bombarded him with the same questions as the day before but as Esca watched his reflection ripple on the surface of the water, he found that he had answers.
He stood and slowly stretched out his limbs then greeted Agilis, wrapping his arms around the old horse’s thick neck and letting the warmth seep into his frozen bones.
“I am sorry you did not have your stable to shelter you,” he murmured, “but you will be home soon enough, my friend. Never fear.”
While he slept, Esca had dreamt of only one man and one life and perhaps he should simply let his dreams guide him for those dreams had filled him with a longing that eclipsed any other desire. As he ate the remains of the food he had brought with him he thought about both Marcus and Trenus with a mixture of sadness and hopeful anticipation but there was none of the indecision of the day before.
“Come, Agilis.” He untethered him then swung himself up onto his broad back. “It is time we made our way home and put this sorry mess behind us. There is nothing to be gained from making everyone wait any longer than they have to.”
Although there would be a heaviness in his heart for that which would be lost, Esca had made his choice and he had made it freely.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
The sun was at its highest when Marcus left his work to sit on the large flat rock that made an excellent seat by the stream, listening to the gentle wash of the water as it flowed past. Before Esca he had lived his life quietly, deliberately avoiding close friendships that may turn to something more, seeking out only occasional relief with those he knew he would never have to see again for he had known that by giving his heart to someone, he would open himself up to the possibility of having his heart broken as well as being ridiculed and shunned. He had come to love Esca so deeply however that he had been unable to stop himself and Esca had proved worthy once he had been given his freedom. He had not hesitated to stay. He had offered care and loyalty, support and love and had asked only that Marcus show faith and love to him in return. They had been everything to each other and then Marcus had broken his own heart, consumed by pride and shame.
He remained by the stream for longer than he had intended but the monotonous rush of the water brought some much needed peace and Marcus was loathe to return to his chores. Just a little longer, he thought, for come sundown you may find that this is the last moment of peace that the world bestows upon you. He heard someone approaching then and turned his head, expecting to see Trenus come to accuse him of laziness but it was Esca who was walking towards him.
“You came back early,” was all Marcus could think to say, all awareness of the world around him vanishing as he focused on Esca and wondered what his early return could mean. Would the news be good or bad? Was his life about to start anew or die like a fire doused with water?
Esca came to stand before him but Marcus did not rise from the rock for he could not be sure that his shaking legs would support his weight. He looked up but he could not read the intention as those grey eyes studied him thoughtfully and the longer Esca said nothing, the heavier Marcus’s heart became. So this was it. Esca had decided to go and Marcus would be left with nothing but regret and his precious good name. He let out the breath he had been holding and leaned forward with his elbows on his thighs and his head in his hands but his head snapped up sharply again when he felt the light touch of a hand on his knee. Esca was kneeling in front of him, his face still unreadable as he took one of Marcus’s hands and entwined their fingers.
“There will always be a place in my heart for Trenus,” he said, so quietly that the sound of the stream flowing past almost drowned it out, “but he is my past, Marcus and you are my future. It is my choice to stay with you.”
Marcus simply stared at him while he tried to understand the words, all sense deserting him.
“You will not leave?” he whispered, seeking additional proof, still unwilling to trust that he had understood correctly.
Esca squeezed his hand and shook his head, the expression on his face still grave. “As strange as it sometimes seems, I do not think I would ever be truly happy without you. We belong together, you and I. You know that as well as I do.”
“I never stopped loving you, Esca!” Marcus exclaimed, unable to stop the words from flowing where before he had struggled to find his voice. “Please believe that. I thought I could stop the shame of those rumours by finding a wife but I always loved you, only you.”
“Then never attempt to cast me aside again!”
“I will not, not ever. I took everything for granted and I did not fully appreciate you until I lost you but I will never again be so selfish. I realise now that you mean more to me than my honour and my name but by the time I found the courage to try and beg your forgiveness it was too late and you had already turned to Trenus for comfort.”
“That is all it was, I swear,” Esca said. “Only comfort. It was you that I reached for when I woke, you I dreamed of every night. I love Trenus as a brother but the greater part of my heart belongs to you, Marcus.”
“I have been a thick-headed fool. I was afraid to lose my father’s name to disgrace once again. I discarded everything you offered me and bowed to the will of Rome. How wrong I was! I know now that had I told you of the rumours when I first came back from Calleva, you would have shown me the error of my ways and given me the strength to rise above my fears. I let myself believe that my father’s shade would damn me for staying with you and I let my obligations to the dead override my obligations to the living. I will never again deceive myself into believing I can live a fruitful life without you Esca. Never.”
Not giving a thought to his leg, Marcus pitched forward off the rock and onto his knees, flinging his arms around Esca in an embrace so tight it would have crushed a lesser man and when they pulled apart to look at each other, Marcus thought that he had never seen a sweeter sight than the smile that crept across Esca’s face. With a smile of his own, Marcus took Esca’s beautiful, beloved face between his hands and kissed him.