I should sit outside more often
Just withdrew from uni.
Things are weird with the boy. I think it might be a good thing though. For the first time I genuinely feel like I’ll be ok. I don’t feel like I need him or want him like I did.
I’m not sure how much I did want him in the first place. I started thinking about this as a drug addiction and the more I think that, the more true it feels. I was so fucking high when his attention was on me. And when it wasn’t I didn’t know how to feel anything I was so low. I feel like I can breathe again. I feel like I finally understand it when Amanda said that she wanted to get to a place where she could just take coke for the fun of it and not feel like she needed it. I didn’t get it at the time. I feel like I do now. There are so many things she said to me that I just didn’t Get. And I’m slowly starting to feel like I understand her. Like the thing about the razors. I didn’t get it. Why would she want to spend her limited money on razors to impress a boy. But it wasn’t about that and I get it now. He’d already accepted her at her worst. She wanted to show him what her best looked like.
I still want to have sex with him again. And I feel like. We don’t need to talk everyday for that? It was the talking everyday that confused things. And the little things he said when he was frustrated like wow we’re so fucking different. Yeah we are. But why does that matter if we’re just here to fuck?
I quit uni today.