My eyes are heavy and I can hear the silence like a buzzing behind my unclosed lids
I’m trying to remember when my thing for ‘problematic’ characters started. I’m thinking back trying pinpoint it. My dad bought me the dvd of season 1 of dexter when I was in year 12, knowing that I would like it, so it had to be before that. I read Skullduggery Pleasant in high school and developed a love for Billy Ray Sanguine. I can’t remember exactly when I started reading them - looking at google the books were released nearly every year during the time I was in high school so it could’ve been at any point. I was also reading True Blood at around this same time but never really got into them, just liked talking about them; I think I found the violence shocking but im not completely sure. I started watching Teen Wolf in year 11 to have something to talk about with a girl who was one of the only people left in my friend group at that point as everyone else had left school in year 10 and we suddenly realised the only thing we had in common was our mutual friends. I don’t think the obsession I developed at that point with Peter Hale was a surprise to me. I remember watching the tv show Under the Dome and being disturbed by my infatuation with the character named Barbie. I didn’t continue watching that show as it was a bit too disturbing for my tastes. However I’ve just checked google and it apparently didn’t air until 2013. Vampire Diaries was a big deal for me, and as far as I remember my love for Damon was instant. I’ve checked and it first came out in 2009 and I remember watching each episode as it aired. At this point that’s the earliest, unless I started reading Skullduggery before that. I met the girl who introduced me to Supernatural when I was 14. I’d had friends in year 6 who watched it but I wasn’t interested because I didn’t like scary things. This girl at 14 though she loved them. We ended up kind of living together for a year or 2 and watching Supernatural (interspersed with horror movies) was what we did. I really didn’t like scary at that point but I loved Supernatural and I loved hanging out with this girl. When I was first watching my favourite character was Sam because he was the good one. Bad boy Dean was her favourite. This worked for us because we each had our own (which wasn’t important to me but was to her). This was over a period of time from 2008-2010. We watched seasons 1-5 together, which was enough for good boy Sam to turn into an allegory for drug addiction and also start murdering people with his mind (my beloved). Maybe this was when it started. During this time we also watched Queen of the Damned and to both of us Lestat was to ultimate heartthrob. I thought about him endlessly. Twilight had of course already happened at this point but I’m not sure that plays any part in this picture except as a gateway to vampires. I can’t remember if I was interested in vampires before this but I suspect not. I read Sunshine as a direct result of the vampire craze. I loved this book dearly for how dark it was and recommended it to everyone (still would). I’m loosing track here. Being Human does come under this introspection - Mitchell and his guilt ridden murderous ways continue to hold my heart. Google says this came out in 2010 but I know I didn’t start watching until after the US version came out which was in 2011. I’m trying to think further back. I feel like I’m trying to unlock my puberty ‘Aha!’ moment, but I didn’t so much have that for any person, real or fictional, as I did for Gabriella Cilmi’s Sweet About Me music video (2008). When did this start? I saw the episode Rose when it first aired in Australia by pure chance of having the tv on the right station at the right time. This was in 2005. It terrified me and I proceeded to watch Doctor Who every week after this. Captain Jack Harkness first appeared in Doctor Who the same year. I wouldn’t say I had a crush on him (I never had crushes on anyone, which started to bother me as I got older) but I was definitely impacted by him. I think he may have even been the first tv character that wasn’t an animal or anime that I was truly impacted by (not including Charlie’s Angels of course). While Captain Jack Harkness is not necessarily a bad person when he’s introduced to us, he is certainly devilish and I was intrigued. But devilish is a long way from murderous. Skullduggery Pleasant, Vampire Diaries and Supernatural seem to be holding equal ground. I think though that Supernatural and this girl are worth thinking more on. I think potentially I got a lot of things from her. I thought she was amazing and loved doing things that made her happy with me. It felt so easy to do. She was in foster care because of her family’s involvement with drugs. I went through a period of time where I thought drug addiction was so cool and im thinking it might have been because of her. Not that she would have thought that(it had literally torn up her family) but I thought anything to do with her was amazing, and her entire life was so far from anything I knew. I don’t think this is something I had much opinion on prior. Im trying to think to before and I did have a friend who would regularly turn up to school stoned. I don’t think I felt much about that one way or the other. My friend with the supernatural and the horror movies and the mental health issues (looking back; who on earth diagnosed a 14 year old with bipolar disorder? That doesn’t seem right? Like the cptsd 100% but she was being heavily medicated for bipolar mood-swings at 14). Actually I think I also got a lot of my music taste from her too. I loved her a lot. It didn’t hurt like a lot of the love in my life did at that point and it was good for me. It also did break my heart when she left and I never saw her again. It broke my heart, but I don’t think it actually hurt me? It was just one of those things that happened. Her mum was back and she was allowed to go home. It was just sad. I was heartbroken but I wasn’t hurt by her. That was a different experience too.
Was my entire personality and interests formed by a girl I knew for a few years in foster care? Maybe. But also she didn’t like Sunshine. She liked romance novels and I didn’t. I listened to all the music she loved and watched all the movies she wanted to watch and some of them became my favourites, music I still listen to and love now, but some didn’t. She was an avid reader, but never read fanfiction and wasn’t interested in shipping; I was. We went to youth group together. This wasn’t new to me- I’d been to youth groups with friends before. She dressed me up in her fancy clothes and did my makeup. This was special to me and definitely formed some desire inside me that I still have now. The more I look at it the more I’m thinking. She didn’t form me - or I didn’t form myself from her. What she did was expose me to more of life then I’d had a chance to experience at that point. I’m so grateful I had that. I think it’s very possible that I may not have made it out of my teenage years alive without this. I was so very very isolated. I lived in the middle of nowhere with my mother who was never home or asleep, and my brother who decided 15 was a good age I become an alcoholic and start disappearing for days on end. I had a good friend group at school and never any real trouble, but no one I really clicked with or truly liked being around, and due to my home situation, didn’t really ever have a chance to socialise outside of school hours. My isolation was killing me. I think it really might have if things hadn’t happened like they did.
This has truly derailed from the original point but I think I have found my answer. I don’t think any one thing made me like this. It was more of a slow exposure to my options in the world - and I chose which path to take, over and over. (I am me and that’s ok)