Look at the woman I've become...
Ugh. I don't know what to think of myself. I realized just now what a deep, dark hole I have tossed myself into. Sure, I have tasted the sweet nectars of sin, but for what? Time to forget? A moment of pleasure? Meanwhile my life is spiraling downwards again, after a hopeful attempt to bring myself back to life. But right now, I'm stuck. I'm stuck in a dead end job serving pancakes to thankless customers, I'm stuck living at home, paying rent, I'm stuck without an education. I couldn't bare to taste my pride as is slid down my throat. So to compensate, I turned to sex, drugs, and alcohol, to numb the taste of regret. For a short while it was good. It made me feel good, and oddly enough, gave me some confidence in myself... To the point where I could look in the mirror and think I am beautiful, or at least not that bad looking. But as time progressed I found myself more and more dependant on things. The last time I had sex I promised myself I would stay abstinent for a week. But 2 days later, no, the next time I SAW the guy, I couldn't resist. As each day went by I wanted to try more and more devious things. But now I think it has to stop. I need to go back to school. With that I can earn some respect from my parents, to ease off on rent, and slowly I can get better work, untill I can finially live on my own, and really start my new life. Maybe I can work in an office. And maybe instead of just having sex, I can find someone who really loves me, someone who will tell me they love me so much, who I can hold in my arms and feel so safe. Maybe one day I can get married, and have a baby, and start a family of my own, just like my cousin. But only if that is in the future, and I'm good and ready for it.
I feel terrible for having fantasies of me singing my child to sleep, my future husband by my side, smiles all around, just like some sort of tacky advertizement. Some life somewhat similar to what I had as a child. When I get older, and my child moves away, I'll start doing crazy things like snowboarding and skydiving and traveling around the world.
I actually dream about that. Hopefully a happy, financially secure life waits for me in the future, and all of me acting crazy and having sex with someone I don't even love and going overboard with drugs and drinking can be a distant nightmare.
I want to quit, but then I can't. I can't say no and I can't even say I want to stop.
-And the strangest things seem, suddenly routine-
~Toodles
~*Pandora*~
I feel terrible for having fantasies of me singing my child to sleep, my future husband by my side, smiles all around, just like some sort of tacky advertizement. Some life somewhat similar to what I had as a child. When I get older, and my child moves away, I'll start doing crazy things like snowboarding and skydiving and traveling around the world.
I actually dream about that. Hopefully a happy, financially secure life waits for me in the future, and all of me acting crazy and having sex with someone I don't even love and going overboard with drugs and drinking can be a distant nightmare.
I want to quit, but then I can't. I can't say no and I can't even say I want to stop.
-And the strangest things seem, suddenly routine-
~Toodles
~*Pandora*~