fate is an elegant cold-hearted whore
school. school sucks. i was contemplating leaving mon don, but something hit me and i was thought, leave mon don? what the hell, its one of the easiest schools *with the exception of freaking physics haha* but i also had therapy last night and i talked to my therapist about it, and he wasn't a fan. therefor i will remain in mondon. oye !
otherwise.. jill and i are in another one of our rifts.. but i think this ones for good. i've talked to my therapist about it last night as well.. and i told him a lot. how i felt this rift was my fault, as well as jill did.. and he kind of saw it differently. he said that a true friend respects how another preson feels... and she should have done so, more than once. it's weird because i'm so used to seeing her first thing in the morning and the last thing in the afternoons. since the day i met her she was the greatest person in my life, and now i don't have her in my life. i've fought with her more than anyone, but for every bad time there was a good one to match it. we've had so awesome evenings together, and our sleepovers.. god no one could top our sleepovers. when my grams died.. she disappeared, i guess she didn't know how to handle the death, cause i didn't know how to either, can't blame her there. and then she came back into my life the minute marc and i broke up because i needed her. no matter what, i needed her. and she knew that. it was enough. but now its not. and it burns so bad, because i do need her. for whatever reason. i'm one of thoes people who enjoys feeling like crap about themselves. but i always felt okay around her, yeah i'm the ugly friend, she's the gorgeous one.. it just worked. i may have been more insecure around her than anyone else, but she helped me grow up and get over stupid crap that i had a hard time getting over. it's so hard to walk the halls of mon don and see her with other people because it should've been her and i.
and once again.. i come to the conclusion of fate. "fate is an elegant cold-hearted whore" - the spill canvas. basically i agree totally with this line. i hate fate. fate is my enemy. i've lost so many people in my life, and i consistantly say its my fault, its my fault and then i feel like a sick bastard and end up cutting myself. NO. this is not good. i've realized that what happens, happens for a reason. maybe jill and i have overcome fate every other time in our friendship, but no matter what, maybe we're destined to be apart? it's so hard to picture her out of my life forever. but a girl has to do what a girl has to do. i know inside i love her, and i always will. i'll cherish our memories forever, and i will never forget any of them.. but its time for me to grow up, and move on. and the same for her. these childish games and arguments are just going to continue to happen and make us sick. it's not fair to either one of us.
last night as i was lying in bed, i was thinking a lot about this. i could either go back on my hands and knees and beg for forgiveness like i always had before, or just let it go. i don't see why i must apologize for my feelings. i'm human, i can't control the way i feel, or the way i react to things. and it sucks really it does, but it's part of who i am, it makes me me. this time, i'm not going to crawl back and ask for forgiveness. she knows everything about me, and this was expected to happen with what actually did.
so.. as far back as 7th grade can go.. back to mrs. blanz's religion class, the 69 guy, basketball, breaking arms, guys, snoopy hooded sweatshirts + a carebear, bike rides, lindas/schiano's pizza, ice cream sundaes, sleep overs, late talks, phone conversations, movies, parties, embarassing moments, swimming, the beach at night, the street corner crew, highschool, homecoming, tutoring, trips to the mall, dinner with mrs dubs, concert, surfclub, nightmare before christmas, timeless laughs, trapping me under a chair, portable penis, that time i fell over the curb and blood spewed from my toe, softball games, basketball games, tee-shirt making, fan clubs... i love you jill ann dubnansky..and i always will.
otherwise.. jill and i are in another one of our rifts.. but i think this ones for good. i've talked to my therapist about it last night as well.. and i told him a lot. how i felt this rift was my fault, as well as jill did.. and he kind of saw it differently. he said that a true friend respects how another preson feels... and she should have done so, more than once. it's weird because i'm so used to seeing her first thing in the morning and the last thing in the afternoons. since the day i met her she was the greatest person in my life, and now i don't have her in my life. i've fought with her more than anyone, but for every bad time there was a good one to match it. we've had so awesome evenings together, and our sleepovers.. god no one could top our sleepovers. when my grams died.. she disappeared, i guess she didn't know how to handle the death, cause i didn't know how to either, can't blame her there. and then she came back into my life the minute marc and i broke up because i needed her. no matter what, i needed her. and she knew that. it was enough. but now its not. and it burns so bad, because i do need her. for whatever reason. i'm one of thoes people who enjoys feeling like crap about themselves. but i always felt okay around her, yeah i'm the ugly friend, she's the gorgeous one.. it just worked. i may have been more insecure around her than anyone else, but she helped me grow up and get over stupid crap that i had a hard time getting over. it's so hard to walk the halls of mon don and see her with other people because it should've been her and i.
and once again.. i come to the conclusion of fate. "fate is an elegant cold-hearted whore" - the spill canvas. basically i agree totally with this line. i hate fate. fate is my enemy. i've lost so many people in my life, and i consistantly say its my fault, its my fault and then i feel like a sick bastard and end up cutting myself. NO. this is not good. i've realized that what happens, happens for a reason. maybe jill and i have overcome fate every other time in our friendship, but no matter what, maybe we're destined to be apart? it's so hard to picture her out of my life forever. but a girl has to do what a girl has to do. i know inside i love her, and i always will. i'll cherish our memories forever, and i will never forget any of them.. but its time for me to grow up, and move on. and the same for her. these childish games and arguments are just going to continue to happen and make us sick. it's not fair to either one of us.
last night as i was lying in bed, i was thinking a lot about this. i could either go back on my hands and knees and beg for forgiveness like i always had before, or just let it go. i don't see why i must apologize for my feelings. i'm human, i can't control the way i feel, or the way i react to things. and it sucks really it does, but it's part of who i am, it makes me me. this time, i'm not going to crawl back and ask for forgiveness. she knows everything about me, and this was expected to happen with what actually did.
so.. as far back as 7th grade can go.. back to mrs. blanz's religion class, the 69 guy, basketball, breaking arms, guys, snoopy hooded sweatshirts + a carebear, bike rides, lindas/schiano's pizza, ice cream sundaes, sleep overs, late talks, phone conversations, movies, parties, embarassing moments, swimming, the beach at night, the street corner crew, highschool, homecoming, tutoring, trips to the mall, dinner with mrs dubs, concert, surfclub, nightmare before christmas, timeless laughs, trapping me under a chair, portable penis, that time i fell over the curb and blood spewed from my toe, softball games, basketball games, tee-shirt making, fan clubs... i love you jill ann dubnansky..and i always will.