Sometimes, it's like this [one-shot]
Title: Sometimes, it's like this
Rating: PG-13 (or is it R?)
Warning[s]: near suicide, pain and suffering, Jaejoong centric, implied sex
Word Count: 1,626
Disclaimer: don't own people, just the fake story
Summary:Jaejoong doesn’t have Yunho anymore, he hasn’t had him for a while now and so he’s turning numb. Yoochun, Junsu… they try to help but why don’t they feel the same way when they see them? Hear them? Why is he the only one affected…?
The room was dark and the insistent music made its pounding rhythm through the night, like it always did. Most nights were worse than others but tonight certainly wasn’t the worst. He laid in the dark, covers on top of his cold body and barley touching his chin as if wanting to take over that part of him as well; the skin not yet calmed and being warmed up. However, hot tears streamed down the cheeks to make river marks on the otherwise perfect face. It had been so many times they rolled down his face, tumbling in all different directions to reach his chin or jaw first, but certainly it was done so often that there must have been a pair of tears that had followed the same path as ones once laid down for it. Maybe the music beating the air helped pushed the tears further down- no, the music, the damn drum pounding and screaming from the stereo, had caused the tears.
No, that wasn't really right either. The song, the same one playing every other night, hadn't caused the first tears to fall. But now… yes, they caused the most recent crying spell because they reintroduced the memories that had caused the tears in the first place.
It’s too late, you said you can’t come back
You’ve always believed that I’d crumble without you
That’s a misunderstanding, why would I do that? why, why, I told you I wouldn’t
Hey, I was really, really sad, because you were so immature
and I was afraid you’d meet someone bad. Why? Baby,
Keep your head down
You’re really pretty, but that’s all there is to you, there’s nothing important inside of you
Holding tighter onto the silk sheets, the fist tended to clutch the hardest around the chorus. He felt like what they were saying was to him, to his group. Had it been a mistake that they left? They were suffering, they were slaves! How could they not leave? But according to the voices belting out their song from the sound system, they chose the wrong path. Their path was doomed for destruction and insufficient living.
Sometimes this song didn’t play at night, roughly shaking the man in the bed to an insomniac sleep, but rather it were slower songs. Those had softer voice, kinder ones that didn’t seem to scream at him from every inch of his apartment. But it still had a message on how he would fail- they would fail. That song sent him into a longer crying fit than the previous and sleep never would come that night. His group mate would call him in the morning, either it be Yoochun or Junsu, and if he didn’t answer the third try, they would come over. Either one, or both, but they still came.
Jaejoong would be alright, he wouldn’t hurt himself like he screamed he would the first few weeks of them leaving. He simply would be sitting on the couch, or his bed, or the floor, or in the shower on the tiles, letting a numbness surround him. Sometimes he would drink as soon as the sun entered his apartment and that would help the numbness start faster. He didn’t want to feel the numbness, but when he didn’t, he knew he needed to feel something.
That was what Yoochun and Junsu were afraid for, that Jaejoong had fallen back to the old habits of when they first left their… other members. One ‘friend’, one ‘acquaintance’, after whatever party would be welcomed into Jaejoong’s bed. He was drunk when the sex usually happened, if he was lucky, and when everything was over, they would leave. If he was lucky. Jaejoong always ended up pushing them out of his apartment the next morning, crying by his front door when he had closed it and whispering the words he wished Yunho would say to him. However, the actual words that came out were apologies to Yunho’s knowing assault of Jaejoong’s actions inside his own head.
Only a few times had he tried this with Yoochun or Junsu. Yoochun would help his ‘punishment’ on occasion, but never did it lead to sex because he had Junsu. And Junsu would never let anything get that far with him but instead would try tucking in his drunken friend to bed.
Those scenes were rare now and instead of crying every few mornings, at least one day a week, by the door, Jaejoong would cry on his bed, or on the floor, or on the couch, or inside the shower on the tiles. At least there he couldn’t even notice his own tears writing on his skin once more. And instead of apologizing to his ex-lover, he would converse with him. He would ask how he was doing and if his promotions were successful. The Yunho, the one he wanted to respond, was far away and so he let the one inside his head answer for him. The answers were always the ones he expected because Jaejoong wasn’t stupid; he watches the news and shows involving their other members.
Watching TV, a task seemingly easy, was taken seriously and Yoochun and Junsu declared he couldn’t do it without some sort of supervision, either by phone or physical presence. The problem was that Jaejoong watched Yunho and Changmin so closely, with such an eagle eye in the beginning, that it was like watching a detective show and Jaejoong was playing the detective. He tried saying that every wink, smile, and meaningful look toward the camera was directed to him, or them. Yoochun or Junsu would tell him no, that wasn’t happening. And slowly, the meaningful looks no longer matter, the winks weren’t for him across the television, and the smile was one he actually had never recognized before.
That too, those reactions, were in the past and now when he watched TV, watched it for HoMin, he saw a different group, different people. They weren’t real to him, they didn’t make sense with their words and their faces were foreign. He would cry and scream sometimes, trying to make them turn into the faces he loved but they wouldn’t morph, change.
In the dark, Jaejoong could hear the door click and shut. Someone was in his apartment. Their footsteps traveled somewhere to where they went soft and almost inaudible- maybe the kitchen. Then they got louder and swifter, heading toward his bedroom. There was pause, and then the dark parted for the stream of white light. Closing his eyes swiftly, even if they burned, he didn’t catch a glimpse of the man that picked him up from underneath the bath water that surrounded him. Ears popping, he heard yelling and then his back came into contact with the cold tiled floor. Why was he being disturbed? Was… Yunho? Had he finally listened?
Had Yunho finally changed his phone number back to the one he had, the only number he knew, or thought he knew, Yunho would answer? Yes… this was him, he was pounding on his chest, bringing air back into his liquid lungs and those were his lips pressed against his own. His hands pressed against his heart, making it pump one more time and Jaejoong knew that Yunho wanted him to live again. With eyes still closed, he could see his worried face above him and yes, that was his voice screaming at him to breath again.
For you Yunho, I’ll do anything.
But wasn’t it Yunho that told him to stay in the bath? He remembered, that deep voice inside his head, he said to stay there and remember what he did. So Jaejoong listened and tried to think of all that went wrong, all the things that hadn’t gone to plan and the voice said that Jaejoong had done those things. It was his fault and so he must stay in the water until he told him to rise.
Yet this was Yunho, Yunho was bringing him back to life and no longer was he in his head.
Coughing up water, air flooded his lungs in replace of the liquid, allowing the burn in his chest to subside.
“Jaejoong!.... Jaejoong hyung…”
His eyes still burned but he opened them; he needed to see his Yunho, the one that saved him. The one standing above him at that moment, however, was not Yunho.
Afraid, scared, terrified, Jaejoong turned his eyes around the room where he could see. This was his bathroom, yes. That was the over filled tub, yes, and the watered floor. The sink, shower, and toilet were all in place. But Yunho had vanished.
“Jaejoong hyung, oh my god.”
Turning toward the voice, confusion gripped him. Yoochun was crying but why? When had he….
Jaejoong started to cry, he cried for the things he couldn’t get and he cried for the things he wanted. Yoochun grabbed him and held tightly, shaking. Or was Jaejoong just shaking too hard? Why had Yunho left him? He left him alone and he couldn’t even be given a chance to see him! Yunho… he had saved his life and left too quickly to get a reward for doing the greatest deed in the world. But that was his lover, that was his best friend. He would do great things and he wouldn’t have wanted a reward. His thin fingers clawed at Yoochun’s shoulders, crying into his chest and requesting Yunho. He asked where he had gone and Yoochun didn’t tell him. Not even when he screamed and yelled for Yoochun to tell him, he didn’t say why he left so quickly, he didn’t say why he didn’t stop him from leaving.
That night, when Junsu brought Jaejoong over to his apartment to stay, Jaejoong watched Yunho perform on TV.
--- --- --- --- --- --- ---
A/N: This…. Oh dear. THIS made me cry. I did NOT want it going this way, seriously I had a WHOLE different plan for this when BAM, it was birthed out and I was left alone to cry (no pun intended… too soon?) Anyway, I wanted to write a sad Yunjae-ish thing and I thought of it last night but then, I didn’t write what I thought haha. This is actually the only fic I made that had made me cry? Um… Yay?? Anyway, drop a comment please! I haven’t written anything in a while and so….
What a sad way to get back into it!! Ugh xD