Smoking kills, in more way than one
Yesterday marks one month since the night Matt and I were randomly attacked in an attempted robbery while smoking a cigarette outside my apartment. Since then, I've been more cautious when I've gone outside to smoke. Now I no longer want any reason to be outside that late. You see, tonight I went out back where I have never seen anybody walking. No sooner had I lit my cigarette then here comes some man. About 50 feet away, he saw me and stopped for 30 seconds or so. He kept looking at me and I at him. Finally, I looked down for a single second and said to myself, "If this man takes one step closer, I am throwing this stupid cigarette out and going inside immediately." Then I heard the keys jingling in his pocket as he quickly walked towards me and did exactly what I told myself to do-- threw the cigarette down and went inside, just in time. It was a close call.
When Matt and I were attacked, I handled it all very well (after the fact, that is). I was upset and paranoid, but I looked on the bright side. Just two days before we had attended a funeral for my advisor's 26 year old fiancee... all I could think when we were being attacked was of her, and of how my life might be over in seconds, how the woman beating me might hit my face the wrong way or bash my skull against the wall or pavement. Afterwards, having survived the attack, I simply felt joyous to be alive. I was extremely grateful that the attack wasn't worse... no weapons, no major damage done. Except for the nagging worry that every creepy looking person that walked by would attack us, I felt fine. Like I said, I was happy to be alive. I even thought that God might have let this happen, for a reason... to prevent something worse from happening by making me and Matt more cautious. (I still think that is true).
Then the other night I was watching an episode of Desperate Housewives in which a woman goes crazy and shoots people in the grocery store, killing one. Suddenly I found myself sobbing for the next two hours, over images of Matt getting shot right in front of me so vividly piercing my thoughts. I think that was the first time I really grieved for what happened, the first time it really hit me how terrible an ordeal it was. I felt scared and alone, utterly at the mercy of other people, with little control over my life.
After the attack, the Desperate Housewives incident, and the close call tonight, I'm asking myself: Are cigarettes worth this? I used to think cigarettes could only kill me by giving me cancer. Now I know there are other ways that cigarettes kill (and rape)... by putting me in vulnerable positions.
I was going to wait until after my oral prelims to visit my doctor for a prescription to Chantix, a drug that has helped me quit smoking before. Now I think I better call tomorrow and schedule an appointment immediately. I just can't live like this, in fear. I know that quitting smoking won't solve everything, that I could still be attacked. But the truth is that smoking gives me a reason to go outside several times late at night. I could, it's true, just change my schedule... make sure I'm asleep by 11PM. But I'm a night owl... that's a habit of mine that I've had even longer than smoking. Plus, like I said and everyone knows, smoking is bad for me anyway. Not maintaining a regular sleep schedule is too, but I'm sure it's less dangerous to me than smoking.
I want to get this story out. I want other women and men to know what I've been through. I want them to know that smoking kills in more way than one. I know, from experience, that it's hard to motivate yourself to quit smoking by thinking of how other people have died from lung cancer and other health problems caused by smoking; the possibility of it happening to you seems so distant that quitting smoking doesn't become a priority for you. But maybe if more people knew that smoking, at least outside late at night, puts you at risk of being attacked, they would find a more immediate motivation to quit.
Is it a stupid idea to try to contact some news agencies with this story? If not, any suggestions on who I should contact?
When Matt and I were attacked, I handled it all very well (after the fact, that is). I was upset and paranoid, but I looked on the bright side. Just two days before we had attended a funeral for my advisor's 26 year old fiancee... all I could think when we were being attacked was of her, and of how my life might be over in seconds, how the woman beating me might hit my face the wrong way or bash my skull against the wall or pavement. Afterwards, having survived the attack, I simply felt joyous to be alive. I was extremely grateful that the attack wasn't worse... no weapons, no major damage done. Except for the nagging worry that every creepy looking person that walked by would attack us, I felt fine. Like I said, I was happy to be alive. I even thought that God might have let this happen, for a reason... to prevent something worse from happening by making me and Matt more cautious. (I still think that is true).
Then the other night I was watching an episode of Desperate Housewives in which a woman goes crazy and shoots people in the grocery store, killing one. Suddenly I found myself sobbing for the next two hours, over images of Matt getting shot right in front of me so vividly piercing my thoughts. I think that was the first time I really grieved for what happened, the first time it really hit me how terrible an ordeal it was. I felt scared and alone, utterly at the mercy of other people, with little control over my life.
After the attack, the Desperate Housewives incident, and the close call tonight, I'm asking myself: Are cigarettes worth this? I used to think cigarettes could only kill me by giving me cancer. Now I know there are other ways that cigarettes kill (and rape)... by putting me in vulnerable positions.
I was going to wait until after my oral prelims to visit my doctor for a prescription to Chantix, a drug that has helped me quit smoking before. Now I think I better call tomorrow and schedule an appointment immediately. I just can't live like this, in fear. I know that quitting smoking won't solve everything, that I could still be attacked. But the truth is that smoking gives me a reason to go outside several times late at night. I could, it's true, just change my schedule... make sure I'm asleep by 11PM. But I'm a night owl... that's a habit of mine that I've had even longer than smoking. Plus, like I said and everyone knows, smoking is bad for me anyway. Not maintaining a regular sleep schedule is too, but I'm sure it's less dangerous to me than smoking.
I want to get this story out. I want other women and men to know what I've been through. I want them to know that smoking kills in more way than one. I know, from experience, that it's hard to motivate yourself to quit smoking by thinking of how other people have died from lung cancer and other health problems caused by smoking; the possibility of it happening to you seems so distant that quitting smoking doesn't become a priority for you. But maybe if more people knew that smoking, at least outside late at night, puts you at risk of being attacked, they would find a more immediate motivation to quit.
Is it a stupid idea to try to contact some news agencies with this story? If not, any suggestions on who I should contact?