A few things
I really like my psychiatrist, but I'm not sure if seeing him is making things better or worse for me. On the one hand, I have an interested outsider to talk to my problems about and to receive suggestions on how to improve them. On the other hand, he sometimes asks questions that lead me to talk about things that I hadn't really recognized as problems. A lot of things about my childhood and relationships towards people ... I guess the things I had once felt angry about and pushed aside ... and now I guess he's made me realize what a profound effect those things have had on me and who I am today. He sometimes seems surprised by the things I tell him, in some ways seems to pity me. Then when I think about it, I realize how strange my life has been ... and how it's hard to realize that until you put it all together ... and once all the intricate details have been formed, it's hard to imagine that I lived through all of those things without completely losing faith in human beings.
Though I can't say that I really trust anyone whole-heartedly anymore. I suppose I will always be plagued with a general distrust of men, considering everything that happened with my parents. I have to say, this makes it very hard on my relationships. I wish that I could fully trust Matt, because I know that he loves me and that he won't hurt me and that he's not like all the other men I have encountered in my life. But there is a general feeling of suspicion always lurking, stemming from the things my dad did and the effects they had on my mom. There will perhaps always be this pessimistic sense that if I let my guard down and trust someone too much, that I will be cheated on, lied to, or used. So I sometimes find myself acting like my mom: always expecting that disloyalty is possible, and thus, rather than just trusting someone, I always have to be on my guard and use whatever resources I have to continuously confirm their loyalty. I hate this about myself.
I suppose it's neither good to blindly trust someone, nor to distrust them so much that you seek proof. I wish that I could learn more towards trusting him, because I have never found any reason not to trust him. I think he understands how I feel, and doesn't blame me, but I still wish that I could do him the favor of letting my guard down more often. It can sometimes be a really heavy burden on a relationship.
My psychiatrist also made me realize that my childhood has also made me the type of person who constantly seeks reassurance that I am really loved. He said that in regard to my wanting Matt to come live with me this summer ... that to me I see it as a sign of his love for me, and that if he loved me enough he would honestly WANT to come live with me. I couldn't deny that observation of his. That is how I feel most of the time. I guess that makes me high maintenance. But again, I don't really know how to deny or ignore my feelings... when they come up, I can't avoid them, or else they keep building and then come out at the most inopportune or bizarre time.
Alas, I just don't know anymore. But I wish I could give more people the benefit of the doubt, instead of allowing my perspective to be muddled by the things that happened to me as a kid.
Though I can't say that I really trust anyone whole-heartedly anymore. I suppose I will always be plagued with a general distrust of men, considering everything that happened with my parents. I have to say, this makes it very hard on my relationships. I wish that I could fully trust Matt, because I know that he loves me and that he won't hurt me and that he's not like all the other men I have encountered in my life. But there is a general feeling of suspicion always lurking, stemming from the things my dad did and the effects they had on my mom. There will perhaps always be this pessimistic sense that if I let my guard down and trust someone too much, that I will be cheated on, lied to, or used. So I sometimes find myself acting like my mom: always expecting that disloyalty is possible, and thus, rather than just trusting someone, I always have to be on my guard and use whatever resources I have to continuously confirm their loyalty. I hate this about myself.
I suppose it's neither good to blindly trust someone, nor to distrust them so much that you seek proof. I wish that I could learn more towards trusting him, because I have never found any reason not to trust him. I think he understands how I feel, and doesn't blame me, but I still wish that I could do him the favor of letting my guard down more often. It can sometimes be a really heavy burden on a relationship.
My psychiatrist also made me realize that my childhood has also made me the type of person who constantly seeks reassurance that I am really loved. He said that in regard to my wanting Matt to come live with me this summer ... that to me I see it as a sign of his love for me, and that if he loved me enough he would honestly WANT to come live with me. I couldn't deny that observation of his. That is how I feel most of the time. I guess that makes me high maintenance. But again, I don't really know how to deny or ignore my feelings... when they come up, I can't avoid them, or else they keep building and then come out at the most inopportune or bizarre time.
Alas, I just don't know anymore. But I wish I could give more people the benefit of the doubt, instead of allowing my perspective to be muddled by the things that happened to me as a kid.