My most bittersweet moment...
As some of you may already know, my grandmother, Mary, died 3 years ago of lunch cancer. I was enrolled in a masters program though work which met for one weekend each month. It just so happened that she passed during one of the sessions I was in school. This post is about the last time I saw her and the last time she spoke to me.
I was up there in Arkansas a few days before it happened. By this time she wasn't coherent. She was completely dependent on other people to take care of her. My mom and aunt were mostly looking after her. She couldn't really eat or drink. When she spoke it was almost always gibberish or it was about something that had happened decades ago and she thought it was going on then.
It was getting close to the time we had to get back so I could go to class. Needless to say, I didn't want to leave her. But it would have been nearly impossible to make up a whole lost class. And my family wanted me to go. I leaned over the hospital bed to hug her and kiss her good bye. She looked right at me and said "I'm proud of you." I could tell that she recognized me. I didn't want to, but I couldn't help but break down and cry right there.
It's hard to describe the feeling. She worked so hard raising me. She devoted her life to making sure I had every opportunity possible. We didn't always agree, but I know that she loved me. I was the first in my immediate family to graduate from high school. I was the only one to go to college, graduate, and get a good job. Those four words mean more to me than anything.
Recently, I've discovered something amazing as well. Any time I think about this moment, every emotion I felt comes rushing back without warning, the sad, the happy. I even cry if I dwell on it for longer than a few seconds. This is involuntary and in general it doesn't even change my mood. If I stop thinking about it, I'm fine.
This is my most powerful memory. I have nothing else that compares. It's amazing to me that memories can have emotions tied to them so strongly. I just thought that I would share.
I was up there in Arkansas a few days before it happened. By this time she wasn't coherent. She was completely dependent on other people to take care of her. My mom and aunt were mostly looking after her. She couldn't really eat or drink. When she spoke it was almost always gibberish or it was about something that had happened decades ago and she thought it was going on then.
It was getting close to the time we had to get back so I could go to class. Needless to say, I didn't want to leave her. But it would have been nearly impossible to make up a whole lost class. And my family wanted me to go. I leaned over the hospital bed to hug her and kiss her good bye. She looked right at me and said "I'm proud of you." I could tell that she recognized me. I didn't want to, but I couldn't help but break down and cry right there.
It's hard to describe the feeling. She worked so hard raising me. She devoted her life to making sure I had every opportunity possible. We didn't always agree, but I know that she loved me. I was the first in my immediate family to graduate from high school. I was the only one to go to college, graduate, and get a good job. Those four words mean more to me than anything.
Recently, I've discovered something amazing as well. Any time I think about this moment, every emotion I felt comes rushing back without warning, the sad, the happy. I even cry if I dwell on it for longer than a few seconds. This is involuntary and in general it doesn't even change my mood. If I stop thinking about it, I'm fine.
This is my most powerful memory. I have nothing else that compares. It's amazing to me that memories can have emotions tied to them so strongly. I just thought that I would share.