(no subject)
This time around, everything makes much more sense. Now I understand why Rich called me crying after we broke up to ask me why, and now I understand why Tim wouldn't give up for so long after we broke up-- they LOVED me. I only half loved each of them. I loved Rich for what he was-- a good looking older kid who other kids liked. I don't know what he loved me for, he never even told me about his life. Maybe since me and other girls, he's realized that he didn't really love me either.
Tim probably really loved/loves me. I did take a lot of shit from him, and I'm probably the best he'll ever have (let's hope I'm wrong) so I've earned whatever is going on in his head now, but I totally don't want it anymore. I also loved him for what he was--ummm, someone from high school. Haha, honestly I can't even say why I was with him after that first year. It should have been after he played me for a year, but it should have been more clear that day he asked me if I could see us together in the future even if my family didn't like it and I was like "Uhhhh...." I shoulda known, but it's so much easier to see now that I'm out of it all.
WIth both boys though, I was always so in love with their acts in respect to society, it was terrible. I was so self conscious, even my love was self conscious! I didn't love myself, so how could I have loved either of them?
Sigh...melting into my chair
Tim probably really loved/loves me. I did take a lot of shit from him, and I'm probably the best he'll ever have (let's hope I'm wrong) so I've earned whatever is going on in his head now, but I totally don't want it anymore. I also loved him for what he was--ummm, someone from high school. Haha, honestly I can't even say why I was with him after that first year. It should have been after he played me for a year, but it should have been more clear that day he asked me if I could see us together in the future even if my family didn't like it and I was like "Uhhhh...." I shoulda known, but it's so much easier to see now that I'm out of it all.
WIth both boys though, I was always so in love with their acts in respect to society, it was terrible. I was so self conscious, even my love was self conscious! I didn't love myself, so how could I have loved either of them?
Sigh...melting into my chair