Gender angst
Gender stuff is feeling really, really overwhelming, to the point I wish I could shelve it, but I don't think I can this time. Being seen as male by one person makes everything seem a lot more urgent and harder to ignore. I'm thinking about coming out to family and at work, but not quite sure what to say. Genderqueer/fem boy seem to suit me best, but that doesn't exist in the dominant paradigm. I wish I didn't have to take on the educator/advocate role in order to be who I am.
For now, I'm going to try to get enough boy/androgynous clothes that I can present more consistently masculine in day-to-day life outside of work, and see how that feels. I'm hoping that being able to live in boy-presentation more of the time will take the edge off until I figure out if/how to come out. I'm also exploring using male pronouns with some folks, and trying on J as a name (the letter, pronounced "Jay," not just abbreviating for privacy here). I like the way it lets me keep my original name, which I don't find terribly gendered once I drop the "ifer," but will be read as more masculine.
Poly-stuff is okay, but exhausting. I keep bumping into triggers and feeling anxious (if they're mine) or guilty (if they're Bobbi's). I don't really know what to do about it. My heart feels a bit beaten up these days, and part of me wishes I could spend more time in this new relationship, but once a week is the maximum Bobbi's okay with. It's hard being in this intense D/s dynamic and have restricted time together, but considering lots of folks make things work with less time, I guess I'll get used to it eventually.
For now, I'm going to try to get enough boy/androgynous clothes that I can present more consistently masculine in day-to-day life outside of work, and see how that feels. I'm hoping that being able to live in boy-presentation more of the time will take the edge off until I figure out if/how to come out. I'm also exploring using male pronouns with some folks, and trying on J as a name (the letter, pronounced "Jay," not just abbreviating for privacy here). I like the way it lets me keep my original name, which I don't find terribly gendered once I drop the "ifer," but will be read as more masculine.
Poly-stuff is okay, but exhausting. I keep bumping into triggers and feeling anxious (if they're mine) or guilty (if they're Bobbi's). I don't really know what to do about it. My heart feels a bit beaten up these days, and part of me wishes I could spend more time in this new relationship, but once a week is the maximum Bobbi's okay with. It's hard being in this intense D/s dynamic and have restricted time together, but considering lots of folks make things work with less time, I guess I'll get used to it eventually.