[RPF]: Starting from Zero
2,346 words
Jared/Jensen high-school aged AU,
Rated and warnings: R, for mentions of abuse, bad language and mild description of a panic attack.
Disclaimer: Anyone you recognise is not mine, they never were.
A/N: Written for expectative over at the spnspringfling challenge, with the prompt: leave tonight or live and die this way. This is not my first J2 ever to be written. It is, however, the first J2 to be completed and posted anywhere. This calls for celebration I think.
Starting from Zero.
You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way
-Tracy Chapman, Fast Car
The engine roars to life.
*
It ends like this. Or maybe it starts this way, depending on how you look at things.
Jared’s hand is warm where it meets Jensen’s, but his fingertips are still cold where they press into Jensen’s skin. The grip is too tight, but Jensen doesn’t care, because it makes his heart race and skip beats every now and then. He blinks, and Jared’s thumb is tracing circles into the pulse of Jensen’s wrist, but while Jensen watches Jared, Jared stares blankly ahead. It’s dark out, the dull yellow of the streetlamp filtering in through the windshield and painting Jared’s cheekbone in a streak. He looks perfect, statuesque almost, a slight crease where his mouth turns down but he still looks perfect all the same, Jensen’s Jared, so much stronger and braver and more-than-life than anyone Jensen’s ever known.
‘Jared?’ he says, and his voice cracks. Jared blinks and looks slowly over to Jensen, like he’s surprised that Jensen’s sitting there. Then he smiles a little, slightly strained, and gives Jensen’s fingers a squeeze.
I did that, Jensen thinks, I put that pain in his eyes. He turns away and tugs his hand out from Jared’s.
‘We don’t have to do this. I mean- it’s not fair for you to leave. We don’t have to…’ he trails off and bites his lip, ‘You can just drop me off at my house, no big deal.’
Jared moves then, fast as he grabs Jensen’s hand back and clutches it in both of his. ‘Of course it’s a big deal Jen,’ he says, ‘It’s a very big deal, and I’m in this with you. You and me, like I promised.’ It’s like that song, and it’s them against the world, against Jensen’s father and Jensen’s father’s bottle and maybe together they can get somewhere.
Jensen nods. ‘Are you sure?’
Jared softens at that, leaning over toward Jensen. He bumps his forehead against Jensen’s temple and turns his face slightly, burying his nose in the hair behind Jensen’s ear. His breath is warm on Jensen’s neck, and he shivers when it sends a rush of warmth down his spine. Jared doesn’t answer, but Jensen thinks he doesn’t have to, that this is everything he could possibly say and more.
*
Jared breathes deep, fingers gripping the key tightly when he turns it and the engine roars to life.
*
He thinks, sometimes it’s like that song. You know the one, a fast car, a ticket to anywhere, a plan to make something of yourself far greater than anything you could have been by staying in this shithole of a town.
And it’s exactly like that song, because escaping all of that is harder when it’s bred into your blood, when it’s all you’ve ever known even when you know it’s a bad habit and you want desperately to break it. You can try to leave it all behind, but it catches up with you, leaves you sitting at the bar on your sixth beer after ten hours in a dead end job.
Jensen doesn’t want that. He’ll do anything to not let that happen, but sitting here, in the cold cab of Jared’s truck, duffle bags in the backseat, Jared’s hand warm where it meets Jensen’s, he’s afraid of what will happen to them. Afraid that he’s going to mess them up worse. And Jared has it good, Jared has it better then he does, even if he has been fighting with his parents a little more often than usual (at least, that what he says). Jared doesn’t need this, doesn’t need Jensen pleading him to come away with me, let’s just leave, get away from this fucking mess and build something else, something better because he already has better. Better than Jensen anyway, and Jensen doesn’t know why Jared smiles big and wide when he sees Jensen in his bedroom doorway, doesn’t know why he scoots over on the bed and pats it with one hand, holding out the second game controller with the other like it’s where Jensen belongs, even though Jensen is screwed up and fucked over and destined to ruin Jared’s life.
And Jensen doesn’t want that. Jared is like sunlight, every good thing in the world wrapped up in hair that sticks out everywhere and too long legs. Jared’s been Jensen’s best friend since before he can remember, the best part of Jensen’s world, the part that loves him unconditionally and lets him sleep in his bed when it’s too hard to be in his own. And this thing between them is so very very new and so very very poisonous. Jensen would never be able to forgive himself if he destroyed Jared.
Still, Jared was the one to make the first move, to lean over and kiss Jensen only a few hours ago, slow and soft like Jensen was something to be treasured. And Jared was the one who whispered you and me, Jen, so maybe, just maybe, they’ll be okay. Jensen’s willing to give it everything to try. He has to, because Jared’s hand is warm where it meets Jensen’s, but his fingertips are still cold, and the grip too tight, and it makes Jensen’s heart race and skip beats.
*
There’s a moment where he presses a kiss just under Jensen’s ear, nose still buried in Jensen’s hair, and then he’s pulling away, hands going to both the steering wheel and the ignition, where the keys are swinging slightly from all their moving around. Jared breathes deep, fingers gripping the key tightly when he turns it and the engine roars to life.
*
He’s never been more frightened in his life, standing on Jared’s porch, hidden in the half-shadows and waiting for the door to open. He’s been here a thousand times before, but this time is different. This time has Jensen’s eyes red and his cheekbone black, and he doesn’t want to see Jared when he’s this weak but he has nowhere else to go.
There’s the sound of running footsteps down a staircase, Jared obviously, because he can never walk anywhere, always has to bounce and fidget wherever he is and wherever he’s going. Jensen’s heart picks up speed, and he doesn’t want Jared to see him like this, doesn’t want him to know, even though Jensen knows he suspects, but before he can turn and run the door flings inwards, and Jared’s there, trademarked grin appearing when he sees Jensen.
It tapers off though when Jensen doesn’t grin back, and then disappears altogether when he manages to take all of Jensen’s appearance in. The next thing Jensen knows, he’s being pushed onto Jared’s couch and there’s a tea towel full of ice being pressed into his hands and up to his face. Jared’s thumb passes over Jensen’s lip when he pulls away and shit, he didn’t realise it had split.
‘What happened Jen?’ Jared asks, and his voice is shaking slightly. Jensen can’t look at him, can’t answer. This is everything he’s never had the courage to say, and all the reason he spends so much time at Jared’s house. Jared sighs. ‘How long has he been hitting you?’
Jensen closes his eyes. He breathes deep, breathes slow, doesn’t want to panic, not now, not here.
‘It doesn’t matter,’ he says, and Jared scoffs, ‘No Jay, it doesn’t. You can’t do anything about it, and I’m not going back.’
‘You’re not?’ There’s a hopeful lilt to Jared’s voice. Jensen shakes his head.
‘I was hoping I could stay here tonight-’
‘’Course Jen, not a problem-’
‘And I’ll figure out what to do about it tomorrow.’
Jared scoffs, ‘Don’t be ridiculous, you can stay here as long as you need. My parents won’t mind, you know that.’
Jensen looks up at him. Jared’s always had a heart of gold, a heart too good for this town. Jared is like a light, and everybody loves him, can’t help it. It’s like he’s a supernova and nobody can tear their eyes away because he’s just that amazing and unique. Jensen’s perhaps been in love with him a little too long, too afraid to touch Jared, to tell him what he means to Jensen in case it destroys that goodness. He knows Jared cares for him, can see it even now in the way Jared looks at him, bruises and all, but Jensen’s made of darkness, only better when he’s with Jared.
And yet, he’s about to break Jared’s heart.
‘I’m leaving Jay.’
There’s a moment when nothing happens, when they’re both still and silent, and Jensen’s waiting on some kind of response. When he gets it, it’s not what he expects. Jared takes his hands away from where they’d been perched on Jensen’s knee, clenches them in fists as his mouth goes into a tight, flat line.
‘What do you mean, leaving?’ His voice is dangerously calm, like Jensen’s father's is when he asks him where Jensen’s been all evening, but Jensen doesn’t feel fear like he does at home, just heartache.
‘I mean, I can’t stay here anymore, in this place. It’s messed up, and it’s messing us up. It’s a dead end with no hope and I won’t stay. I have to get out. Have to get away.’ Jared’s hands are back on him, cupped around his neck and Jared’s leaning in closer. ‘I have to get away because I can’t, I won’t die like this, not pathetic and fucked up and screwed over. It’s poison Jared, and it’s death and I can’t- I can’t-’ He’s having trouble breathing and Jared pulls him in, runs his hand up into Jensen’s hair and grips tight, holds Jensen to him as Jensen begins to cry.
It (thankfully) doesn’t last too long, and Jensen sits up and goes to wipe his face with his sleeve. But Jared beats him to it, smoothing his thumbs gently underneath Jensen’s eyes. It should feel embarrassing, but it doesn’t. Instead it feels like safety, and like love. It feels like Jared’s going to be there forever with him, which is just one of Jensen’s many dreams he’d never dare to truly consider, and he goes to pull back, put some distance between them, but is blocked by Jared’s hands and eyes holding him still, looking at Jensen like he’s the answer to all of Jared’s prayers.
‘Why didn’t you tell me it was this bad?’ Jared whispers, but it’s so quiet that Jensen doesn’t think the question was meant for him. Jared starts slightly when he realises Jensen’s staring back at him, and he smiles. ‘You know, you’re adorable when you wrinkle your nose like that.’
What?
Jared laughs, but sobers quickly. ‘It’s always been you and me Jen, and we’ll get through this, together, you just have to let me in.’ He says the word together like it’s meant to have some special hidden meaning, but Jensen doesn’t understand what that’s meant to be. Jared’s looking at him again like Jensen’s something precious, and before he can protest, because he’s not a girl and he doesn’t need to be looked after- Jared’s leaning in and pressing his lips to the corner of Jensen’s mouth, pulling back slightly, smiling again and resetting them more firmly against Jensen’s own.
For the first few moments, Jensen’s frozen. Then he parts his lips and kisses back, hands moving to touch Jared’s own where they cup his head. Jared tastes like sugar and strawberry flavouring, which means he was probably downing some sort of candy before Jensen showed up on his doorstep. The kiss doesn’t get much deeper than lips, and part of Jensen’s grateful for that, because his mouth stings where it’s split open.
It’s when Jared’s tongue tentatively swipes against his lips that he realises, he can’t be doing this. He’s leaving, he’s going to say goodbye within the next few days and Jared can’t be kissing him, because that implies forever, and Jensen doesn’t have forever unless he leaves.
He breaks away sharply, violently ripping his body away from Jared’s, the ice tumbling to the ground as he shoots up off the couch. He’s having trouble breathing, and his lungs feel too small and too weak and he digs his fingernails into his collarbone to kick start some kind of feeling. Jared’s there immediately, hugging him tight and rubbing circles into Jensen’s back and murmuring I love you Jensen, and it’s okay and it’s you and me Jen, I promise. He pulls away when Jensen does, and picks up the tea towel and dropped ice, repacking it and pressing it back against Jensen’s face.
Jensen loves Jared, loves him more than anyone else he’s ever known, and he doesn’t know what to do anymore because he has to leave, but not he doesn’t want to, not without Jared and-
‘Come away with me,’ he says suddenly, ‘let’s just leave, get away from this fucking mess and build something else, something better.’
Jared smiles at that and kisses Jensen’s forehead. ‘All you had to do was ask.’
That’s how it starts, or maybe it’s how it ends, depending on how you’re looking at it. And Jensen thinks, sometimes it’s like that song.
*
‘Are you sure?’
It’s cold in Jared’s truck, with the dull yellow light and their duffel bags in the backseat, and Jared leans in, bumps his forehead against Jensen’s temple. His breath is warm on Jensen’s neck, and Jensen shivers when it sends a rush of warmth down his spine. Jared doesn’t answer, but Jensen thinks he doesn’t have to, that this is everything he could possibly say and more.
He kisses the space just under Jensen’s ear, and then he’s pulling away, hands going to the steering wheel and the swinging keys in the ignition. Jared breathes deep, turns them over and the engine roars to life.