If Only Chapter 9
Lee-
He woke up slowly, gradually, almost as though he was a little kid again and his mom, when she had told him to get up for school and done such other motherly tasks, was doing it again. She would gently shake him and cal his name, and leave him to wake up so he barely knew she was there. Something seemed to be making him get up, and so he moved to get out of his bed, and fell face first onto the floor with a loud omph. Right, the couch, and Kara and making her take the bed. Right. He remembered that now, wide-awake on the cold metal floor.
Privately he kind of wished he had taken the bed, because his couch was damn uncomfortable, but shoved the thought away. Kara would not get anything second rate from him anymore, not his attention to her needs, not his affection, he had made that mistake often enough and it had nearly resulted in him losing her from his life completely and permanently. No that was not going to happen again anymore.
He glanced at his wall clock. 04:30. His shift did not start until much later, but he didn't think he was going back to sleep any time soon. Lee pulled himself up off the floor and stretched his back, only stopping until he heard it pop and relief flooded his spine. That felt a lot better.
He un-did his boot laces and pulled them off. He would need to grab a uniform and then he would take a short shower. Normally that would not be a problem, only his change of clothes was in his closet, and he would have to be extra quiet to not disturb Kara. The Doc had made it very clear she needed a peaceful, safe environment and it was also very clear to Lee, rank or not, the second he felt that had been compromised Kara would be removed from his care and placed somewhere else.
The last thing he wanted was to have some kind of screw-up on the very first day.
The light in his room was still on; bits of it peaking out from were the hatch had not completely closed all the way. It confused him for a moment until he came to the conclusion. Kara must be awake too.
Moving the hatch open slowly, just to make sure not to startle her, he was confused by what he saw. Kara must have burrowed down deep under the covers near the foot of the bed, curled up into a fetal position with maybe a pillow with her and fallen asleep. It's probably just a natural reaction to the trauma, a defensive mechanism, his mind whispered to him. Just be quiet, don't wake her up and she will never even know you were here.
But Fate it seemed, had other plans and just as he pulled one of his clean uniforms from it's place on the hanger, ironed and pressed, done when he had nothing to occupy his mind, he heard her whimper. And there was no going back. Lee Adama, could not, would not, let her suffer even from a nightmare of some kind. He had let her suffer; he didn't want to let her suffer any more than she already had. It simply didn't seem fair for life to keep making her hurt. She had been through so much already, and that was only what he knew about. He didn't know anything that she hadn't told him, or that he had read.
"Hey Kara." He said sitting on the other side of the bed, unsure if he should touch her. He wanted to hug her, but he knew the last thing you did was bother a soldier, especially one who had been a Prisoner of War, while asleep. Their reactions tended to not be very nice and rather hazardous to those that had bothered them.
Against what his mind cautioned him, he laid his hand on her shoulder and gently shook her calling her name to not wake her up in a panic. He was unsuccessful. It seemed in the matter of a few moments, she was curled up under the sheets to fully mobile and on the floor backing far away from him, feet and arms scrambling to propel her, and out towards the hatch.
"Kara, it's me, it's Lee." he called desperately and made the mistake of going after her to get her to calm down and reassure her the nightmare had not followed her into real life. He bent down to put his hand on her shoulder and pull her to face him. Big mistake for Lee Adama. As soon as he was in range she got in a well-placed kick to his groin. Lee soon found himself reacquainted with his office floor and she continued to move in a flurry of movements.
"Damn it Kara! I'm not trying to hurt you!" He called from the floor but the hatch to the bathroom had swung shut with a bang and he heard the lock on the door slide into place.
So much for not screwing up the very first day. He winced getting to his feet, she could still kick. He knew that much very well.
Kara-
She was still breathing hard as she pressed her back to the hatch, the metal digging into her back but she was unable to find a frack to give about it. It had felt so real, she still went back there sometimes, and she never wanted to again. Sometimes she whimpered, which she guessed must have attracted Lee's attention, but that was why she slept under the covers. So no one could hear her cry out. Be it pain, or need for comfort, or just crying no one needed to know that. Not after everything.
She grabbed the hatch and forced herself to her feet, and she was still unsteady. Her body still shook a bit and her breath still came in gasps. She managed to make it to the sink without tripping on her own two feet or falling over and turned the faucet to pour water on her face. She looked back at the face staring at her from the small mirror.
She still looked like Kara Thrace, Starbuck, viper pilot extraordinaire, the person who bucked authority and got away with it, she who hit the Ex-O when he needed a pop in the mouth but no one dared give it to him, the heart-attacking inducing hot shot who pulled the death defying stunts. But was she still that person? The same tattoos were there, marking her pale white skin with their inky black. A reminder of her failed marriage, Kara had that, the words Public Property etched into her skin, and a symbol on her neck. She had the same bright blonde hair that Kara did; same color eyes but they had a different expression in them. Kara's had held her emotions there, anger, sadness, happiness, devilish glee, everything on the spectrum. There was nothing but blank induced pain in hers. The rest was the same, mouth, lips, nose, forehead, high cheekbones. Her arms were still the same, down to the curves of the rest of her, muscles spent hours working towards was still on her slim frame. Kara Thrace's body still remained alive and breathing. But did the personality who had existed inside of her, did she still exist?
Was she that person anymore on the inside? Well that was the million cubit question wasn't it? That and what happened to her when Lee and everyone else discovered she wasn't that person anymore. She looked like that person, but was the inside still all the same? Would she still hit the Ex-O if he threw a table at her or just take it? Would she still argue with Lee just for the sake of winding him up and watching him go or hear him yell at her then slink off to cry in peace later? Would she still answer the Old Man with their customary greeting if he were to come by or would they still pass one another in silence?
She hadn't seen the Old Man since she saw him when she woke up. He hadn't been by since, she had heard, even seen him, he had been on Pegasus later that day, but he didn't stop to see her. And why should he? A nasty voice asked her. He said you weren't part of his family anymore, and he meant it. That had to be why avoided her, she had let him down, and everyone knew William Adama did not tolerate failure from his expectations in people. Not even from his own family, that she had never even really been a part of in the first place. Maybe more like an honorary member or something.
"My Father never means those kinds of things when he says them." Calm and gentle Zak said reappearing in her line of sight. His tanned hands pulled her hair away from her dripping face and gathered it into a low braid he tied off with a hair tie he had magically pulled out of thin air, but she supposed she ought to stop being surprised he could do that. "He'll come round Kara. You just got to let him sort things out, it took him and Lee years to get to the point they both admitted they were wrong. And then they still weren't ready to talk about it. I don't think they would have had they not got thrown on the Galactica when the worlds ended together"
Noticing her expression hadn't changed he leaned forward to speak directly in her ear. "Hey." He said gently and pulled her into a tight hug. He left it loose enough she could get out but it still felt good to be pressed close to his body. She put her head on his shoulders like she used to. Zak gave the best hugs next to Helo, and Lee of course. Helo didn't hug very often, something about not being manly enough for him to do. Lee had hugged her on occasions but they had never been very long but they had been wonderful. She put her arms and hugged him back tight. He felt like safety, love and happiness. What might her life have been like with this man, even if the cylons had attacked they would have been happy before. Who knew, he might have even been called to the Galactica and she would have gone with him.
"You need to go talk to Lee." He said gently, "I know he is kicking himself he scared you and the longer you are in here the more freaked out he will get." He looked down at her, serious blue eyes watching her, the corners of his mouth starting to twitch up into a smile "It's not funny to freak Lee out this much. That much anyways. He needs to laugh sometimes."
Before she could answer him, she wasn't being hugged anymore and he had his hands on her waist. "Come on Kara, he isn't mad at you, he is mad at himself that he let this happen. He always takes on my way too much responsibility and guilt for one person to bear. He loves you and he can't bear the thought that he hurt you." She shook her head no, and he reached forward to cup the side of her face. "He's not good at letting people know he cares. But he does."
She reached forward and unslid the hatch's lock. And then she stopped, unsure if she could go any farther. "Come on Kara, you've got this. There is nothing to be scared of" Zak reminded her gently, encouraging her to take that step forward and talk to Lee.
Kara nodded trying to reassure herself to keep going. She slowly walked forward out of Zak's arms, threw open the hatch and stepped out. Maybe she still had Kara Thrace left in her after all.
Lee-
He sat on the couch, head in his hands, and besides the pain in a sensitive region of his body, wondered what the heck was wrong with him. You left them alone, and certainly did not touch them when they had a nightmare. He knew that, Cottle had told him that, and yet what had made him think he knew what was best?
Lee was forever doing that, once he was convinced he was right, it took ages to change his mind. It may take an order, or not. He had not believed what his father had done aboard Cloud Nine with the marines was right, so he had refused to do it, instead doing it his own way. That trait could either be admired or condemned. He was not a good little soldier, doing what he was told. In some ways, he thought privately, he was just as bad as Kara, but he also had learned to mask his feelings. Cover them up, and get it over with, whereas she had no problem voicing displeasure and acting on the slightest thing, or at least she had used to. He wasn't sure how much of her past behavior could be a frame of reference anymore.
The hatch creaked open, and Lee looked up. Water still hung in drops over her face, her hair was pulled back from her face into a braid, something he had never seen on her before, and the dark circles under her eyes indicated she had not slept very well. He still found her breath-taking. She was biting her lower lip, seeming torn on what do beyond this point. "I'm sorry I kicked you." She remarked soft, quiet and barely audible.
Lee got to his feet and took a few steps toward her and when she did not flinch he moved closer. He did not move to corner her, and still gave her plenty of space, an area of three feet between them. Her arms were down by her sides, and her fingers were playing with the other fingers, a tell he found when she was nervous. "There's no need to be sorry Kara." When she looked like she was about to open her mouth and disagree he pressed on "I should have known better to wake you up like that. It's natural you reacted the way you did."
"No, it isn't." Starbuck's defiance reared her head, though he was unsure if Kara could see it. He saw parts of her, pieces, of Kara, Starbuck, Captain Thrace, all wrapped up inside, but instead of the full persona coming out like it had used to, only pieces came. Starbuck's defiance accompanied with Kara's fears. A military strictness paired with a devil-may-care attitude. They were forever changing, and he never knew the new combination until Kara showed him. The personas that defined her had all become a giant mixed person showing themselves at different times. You could start a conversation with Captain Thrace, Starbuck half way through the conversation and end the conversation with Kara.
"Actually Kara, it is. You were having a dream, and when you woke up you thought you were still inside the dream, and lashed out to what was bothering you, in that case me." He hoped his explanation helped, he wasn't sure exactly how to phrase it.
A pair of gorgeous green eyes looked down at the floor and he asked "Do you want to talk about it?"
"No." was the quick and sure answer. Frack, why should she? The last time she had wanted to talk he told her to go away and to stop trying to burden him, it was no small wonder she didn't want to talk to him. But how did he go about telling her that he didn't mind if it meant she didn't get weighed down by her burdens anymore.
"Alright, so we can talk about what happens after we eat breakfast. I am going to go on shift in CIC, you can go to sickbay and visit with Kacey, or you can go somewhere else, but someone will have to be with you at all times." He saw her moving to object but told her what she wanted to know. "Cottle's orders, and his override mine as you know. You won't have to have a person hovering around Kacey though." he amended, trying to make it better, though that was because they were sure Kara would not do anything around the little girl. He knew Kara required freedom. She had always made it a point to be in control, at all times, and never let herself be controlled by another. He had no idea why, that was just the way she was. He had suspicions, but until he asked he would have no answers that their mothers were more similar then Lee had originally thought.
"We can eat lunch together with Kacey, then I have another shift to finish and then I will pick you up from wherever you choose to be in time for dinner. After that we can do whatever you want, we could go to the gym." Kara had not moved from her spot and it made him nervous. "Okay?" he asked, wanting to make sure he had not pushed her around too much.
"Okay." The word was covered in resignation, and bitterness at the fact Kara no longer controlled her own life. He knew it was needed because she had tried to kill herself, dang it it was SOP. But that didn't make it any better and Lee knew that. It must be like being forced back in the prison his mind gasped as it filled in the blanks. Stuck to live with a man who loved you and every bit of your day planned out.
"Can I get you anything Kara?" Lee asked, half hoping she would ask for something to do, or just say something, anything. But instead she shook her head and laid down on the couch, facing away from him. A clear sign, if any, of, 'Don't bother me'.
Lee did the only thing he could think of to do. He walked back into his room, pulled out a few extra blankets, grabbed a pillow from the bed, and went back into the office area. He made noise when he walked, letting Kara know he was there. She couldn't stop the flinch when he put the blankets over her body so she didn't get cold, and the only time he really touched her was when he gently lifted her head to put the pillow underneath it.
"I'll wake you up half and hour before we need to eat okay?" He asked, but he got no response, just a turned back. Lee ran his hands through his hair, which needed to be cut desperately or it would be against regs, and stepped into the bathroom. If it got this long it started to curl, which his mother and various women over the years had found adorable but he hated. Lee stretched his arms over his head, maybe a shower would relieve tension in shoulders, though he very much highly doubted it. Getting Kara to smile and laugh would do a lot more than any hot shower or massage would do for him. If he got to personally destroy the Leoben that had hurt her it would be even better. If all the cylons died horrible fiery final deaths it would help more just as well.
But this morning, a hot shower would simply just have to do. Maybe soon, but not today. At least not now. But he promised he would get revenge for her, no one deserved to go through that mind frak.