If Only Chapter 1

[lelakat]

Story Name: If Only

Author: LelaKat

Rating: M for suicide themes

Pairings: Main focus is Kara/Lee but there are references to Kara/Sam, Sam/Other, Lee/Dee

Summary: Kara's been falling and falling in the aftermath of New Caprica. Lee's too hurt by her actions and her rejection to stop her before it's too late.

Notes: It's un-betaed and any and all mistakes are mine and mine alone. And please tell me what you think.

Lee sat at his Commander's desk and looked at the stack of reports Kara had just dropped off. No not Kara his mind stubbornly corrected him, Captain Thrace. She'd also asked if she could talk to him personally but he'd pushed her away, he had every right to after all. While he couldn't deny she had been through hell on New Caprica she had a husband to talk to about all that stuff. Or at least she'd had a husband to talk to about that stuff provided the rumors about his affair during New Caprica. But to Lee, either way it didn't matter. He was not going to let Captain Thrace frack with his head anymore.

Recognizing a nugget's flight eval she had accidentally mixed in with the rest of the rotation schedules he picked it up, have hoping he would run into someone to hand it off to down on the way to her office. He remembered she had always been doing that, various people from the ship shoving random pieces of paper at him with the only instruction of 'give this to Starbuck.' He'd ended up getting her an office, so the amount of things she lost was cut down drastically.

When no such person appeared in his doorway he sighed and got up. He'd have to do everything all by himself wouldn't he? Of course, he did everything for her, he'd given her the sun, the moon and the stars and how did she repay him? She married another man of course, rebuffed his love and expertly stomped all over his pride. Lee didn't understand, he had done everything right, given her everything Zak had talked about and a few other things he had known she would have liked. Lee simply didn't understand, any girl would have killed to get a guy who would yell out 'I love you' into the night and not care who heard him. But no, she had run off, and married another man of course. It had been over a year ago but his father thought it was funny to have her as his CAG, when questioned about it he just said he wanted her there. He also muttered something about human beings but Lee was too busy accepting the fact she was his CAG. All it was anyways was probably some stupid attempt to get them to work together again and be friends. Yeah right.

His shined boots went down the halls of his ship, still under repairs from the fight for New Caprica, on his way to her office he passed Showboat, the D-CAG who was discussing with one of the damage teams about the repairs to her bird who had taken some damage from a cylon scouting party the other day. He was grateful for it, it gave him a reason not to see her. "Can I speak with you Lieutenant?" his tone is neat and crisp and what he always mentally referred to as his 'Commander voice'. It made him realize just how often his father used to, and it was a perfect way to get out of situations you felt uncomfortable talking about. No wonder his father was so fond of it.

His question was not a real question. She would be spoken to by him no matter what happened. She said her goodbyes to the deck-man, after being told she ought to take Sunny's bird and her's would be ready by tomorrow, and looked at him wondering what this was about.

"Will you give this to your CAG for me?" He asked the young officer not even saying her name, rank, or callsign. If he avoided her enough and the idea of her his feelings would probably go away and she would go away and it would all be solved. He would go as long as he could without thinking of Kara, because if he thought about her too much all he would want to do was storm to her cabin and convince her he loved her and that she loved him too. He'd get her to tell him all the reasons why, and he could fix all of her problems, instead of childishly watching her struggle with returning to the Battlestar life and only making it more difficult. He had made sure he could reference anything and everything that would get under her skin that he could, he'd been making her pay for the hell she'd put him through.

"With all due respect Sir, why don't you give it to her?" The pilots took her side in everything, no matter if she was right or not. At one point he was even questioning their loyalty to her, why were they so determined to back her instead of him? It was his ship, his command, not her's. But inside him he knew, Starbuck had always been the heart and soul of the pilots. She was a familiar face and whether you liked her or hated her, her presence gave comfort. It meant that no matter how bad things got, no matter how terrible things seemed, she was there. She was strong, she was their hero. But it still irked him to know it.

"Because I need to get to CIC in a few minutes and don't have time to give it to her." He replied quickly and than Showboat smiled in a way that made him remember another pilot who had smiled at him the exact same way. Back when he was CAG and she was a pilot and she had caught him doing paperwork when he was supposed to be off-duty. Or when she beat everyone in triad and knew it. The sly upturning of the corners of her mouth was a thing that she owned, and was the best at. girl-friend Dee smiled, but nothing could compare to what she did. Lee sometimes hated her for it.

"Well, why don't I go with you since her office is on the way?" Showboat offered kindly, but knowing she had him trapped. Lee couldn't back out, he was not afraid of his CAG by any means and avoiding her would only serve to fuel gossipers who didn't have nearly enough shift work. He had no reason to be afraid of Kara. Captain Thrace. Unless of course she pulled him in again and he let himself get pulled in. Let himself think that she wasn't flirting with him because it was what she did but because she wanted his attention, wanted his eyes on her, wanted his arms to hold her. Let himself think that she actually loved him the way he loved her.

He nodded along with that, pulling himself down to the present, and they set down walking the corridors. Showboat had the papers in her hand and choose not to speak to him the entire journey. On another day it would bother him but not today, he had just had the largest verbal confrontation with Captain Thrace since she had originally left the fleet for that stupid rock. Not much else could compare to that. It hadn't been much of a confrontation really, just him ranting at her and her not saying a word, just taken it. In all his years of knowing her he'd never seen her react to a fight that way, just sat there, passively, done nothing to stop the onslaught.

He should have realized in hindsight there was something wrong but he was so determined to hurt her, to make her suffer, feel pain like he had when she'd run from him. He'd cried for her, he was not a man of showing emotions but he was upset. He was angry, what had Samuel had they Lee hadn't? what made him so special? And bitterness, was this his punishment for falling in love with his baby brother's girlfriend the second he laid eyes on her?

The pilot and commander approached the office where that, that woman, was and the people in the corridor, just a marine and another off duty pilot froze. The sound of a gunshot had cracked the relative silence of the hall, quiet, but loud enough to be heard. It took Lee less than second to realize the gunshot was a small arms weapon and that it had come from Kara's office. There was nothing else in this hall-way, nothing of interest anyways. Something in his gut told him Kara was in danger, sometimes it felt like a sixth sense. It was how they always saved the other in a battle.

"Get Medics, now!" he barked at the other pilot who took off full speed to follow the order his Commander gave him and slid his key-card through the slot on the side of the doorway and the doors opened with a hiss like someone drawing a breath. Darting in the room the second he could get in the door, he took in the scene. Before him in the middle of the floor was Kara bleeding from her stomach, exact same spot she had been shot when she went on that stupid trip to Caprica for the arrow, part of his mind piped up but there was the gun in her hand.

It came together in a snap with terrible clarity, Kara'd tried to kill herself. Ignoring the Marine's word of caution about how it could have been a set up he moved to her side and looked at her, hands pressing to her wound to try and stop the bleeding. Lee scrambled and pulled his jacket off to cover her up, and Showboat and the marine had run for an emergency first aid kit. Kara's eyelids flickered and all Lee could do beside press his hands onto the wound was he whisper comforting things about how it was all going to be okay.

"Hold me Lee?" She whispered softly, not able to do much else. She was dying, she knew it and he knew it, but he didn't want to face it. Couldn't face the idea that she would die. Doing as he was asked he still kept his hands pressed to the wounds and drew her tight against him as though it would be able to stop the bleeding through that alone. It wouldn't, but if it comforted her and helped them get her stabilized he'd do it. Even in the circumstance, his mind noted it felt right to hold her, even if it was only because she was bleeding.

Her eyelids threatened to close and Lee kept on telling her to keep them open, to hang on, keep on fighting another day. As usual she didn't listen to him, whether it was because she wouldn't or just didn't want to was an entirely different matter." Love you Lee." she said quietly, he was only just close enough to hear her despite his closeness to her. "Love you so much." Her lids shut closed, leaving her tear-stained face pale, looking more like death than she did life.

She looked like had been crying herself and he kept on telling her it would be okay even though she wasn't awake to hear him. She would make it through, she was Starbuck for frack's sake. She could do anything, she had survived a nuclear holocaust, she had survived that moon, she had survived Caprica and the farm on it, she had survived Admiral Cain, she had survived a return trip to Caprica, she had survived New Caprica, she would survive this. She had to.

The medics took her from him and put her on the gunnery and they worked on her while she is taken to sickbay where the Pegasus Doctors are premed and waiting. He doesn't go to CIC and though his girlfriend calls for him over the intercom to go to CIC, he doesn't answer it, just leaving his Ex-O in charge by default. It's stupid, reckless and irresponsible, but Lee doesn't care. The woman he loves is in there. A few minutes later the Admiral and Doctor Cottle arrive and Cottle darts into Operating while his father waits outside with Lee, not saying a word, their expression of sadness and regret mirrored on each other's faces.

It's been hours now and neither of them have heard a word. Lee knows that it's normal, but he can't stop the unease flowing through every fiber of his core. Helo stops by and asks how she's doing, while both Adama men just shake their heads. Helo understands, he feels it too, Lee had seen how in the euphoria of getting Sharon freed Kara's time with her best friend had dwindled into nothing. Not even a nurse had said anything about what's going on, though they dart in and out of the room frequently. Lee doesn't want to let himself contemplate what that news means.

Helo has to go soon, being the Galactica Ex-O but can wait with them for a while. There's something about Helo that is comforting. Lee doesn't pay too much attention to him besides the fact he's there, his mind has only been able to replay the scene that had happened only hours earlier. He can't stop thinking about it, wrapped up in guilt and shame.

Lee had been in his office and Kara had tentatively came in her Blues holding the flight roster for this week and the week after, walking as though it was her execution, though with their conversations lately, or rather what he'd said, it might as well could be. Her handwriting is painstakingly neat and Lee notes for a moment it's better than his is. Her green eyes are a mystery to him and she seems like she'd been on a constant edge lately, but now even more so, she was cornered, only instead of behaving like cat and coming out with claws, it was as though she'd been turned into a mouse.

She carefully set the papers in their allotted pile on his organized desk and waits a minute until he remarks cold and bitter, ice layering every word. "Need something Captain?" She noticeably flinches at his tone he notes with some small satisfaction, let her be afraid, let her feel rejected like he did.

"I was wondering if I can talk to you Sir." Her voice is small as though she's five years old and sure isn't Starbuck or even a professional manner. He knows her well enough to know when she is being Kara, unguarded, undefended Kara, the vulnerable person he had only seen glimpses he'd never seen this much of this side of her and he's tempted to get out of his seat, take her in his arms, and hold her until she tells him everything that is giving her problems so he can fix it. But he doesn't, he just keeps a cool icy glare of a jilted man, and gives her no comfort. No escape, the cruel part of him that wants her to feel like he did is taken full advantage of the fact her weakness are on display, and only drawing more attention to them.

He keeps on glaring at her, letting her know she has no sympathy from him, and she took a step back without realizing it. "There a problem with the pilots Captain?" he knows she doesn't want to talk about anything to do with their jobs but will run with the idea anyways. He had already he would never forgive her for New Caprica.

His cool professionalism wasn't that of a Commander, it was of a rejected man with a wounded pride but he didn't care the least she could do was feel some of the pain she had caused.

"It's a personal matter." She said looking like she wants to bolt out the door and having second thoughts about even bringing it up. Good. He'd had no one to talk to about his problems with her, she shouldn't either.

"Are you pregnant? Is that what you are trying to say, you got knocked up and you need someone to take your job for you?" he demands from her coldly and tears enter her eyes at his harsh words and assumptions and his obvious refusal to help her. He knows children are a sore spot with her, he's pieced together enough to have a general idea from little comments and things she'd said. She looks so lost, so haunted it takes every amount of self control he has to not drop the facade he has created and run from his desk and scoop her up and hold her close.

"No sir-" she began but he cut her off.

"Well than I don't have time to listen to your personal problems. Nor do I care about whatever problems they may be. So unless they affect you getting your lazy ass out of bed in the morning and doing your job with a modicum of talent the job requires than I suggest you save your discussion for your husband." the words left this mouth, bring up Sam, who'd gone after another woman after getting her declared dead and their marriage nulled within a month or so of her disappearance. He knows she'd had confidence issues, it was why she bucked authority, if they thought she couldn't do it they wouldn't ask her to so she wouldn't miss up.

She looks like she can't believe he just said that and he can't either. But he can't let her know he cares, she'll just rip his heart out and stomp all over it again. He glares at her pointedly and she slinks out of the office her long hair falling into her face to hide what he suspects are tears.

He has never made her cry, not that he knows about anyways. He'd gotten close but never to the point where tears were actually shed and the other knew and saw them. It's scary knowing he has this kind of power over her, but it's only the same one she has over him.

Lee wants to run after her, say he's sorry and he wants nothing more than to listen. To make her understand he truly does care about her. But he can't, he can't face the possibility of being rejected again. So he sits in his office and waits, until he noticed the stray piece of paper.

It kept playing over and over in his mind, the fact the last words he could have told were in anger and hate and spite. That she could possibly die not knowing he loved her, that she was more than someone he had slept with once and more than his dead little brother's fiancee. She was more than all those things she been told and made to believe, she was beautiful, amazing, brilliant, smart, sexy, an awe-striking pilot. She wasn't a throw-away, a waste, a slut, a stupid mistake, or any of that. And now maybe she'd never know.

Gods why hadn't he told her he loved her? He had told her it would be okay, she would make it despite the wound but never anything about how Lee Adama loved Kara Thrace more than life itself.