Falling Apart
I’m wishing for a miracle right now. As of late, I have had so many things ripped from me I cannot find my ground. I am exhausted from no sleep, mostly due to the blistering heat. And I have cried my eyes out every day since I got back home from visiting Tom from Ohio. My friend Morkia died, this past Monday. She’s been dead only a week and yet I feel like something inside me wants to believe it’s all a bad dream. That miraculously, it wasn’t her. That the horrible reality that a beautiful vibrant 20 year old was taken before her prime isn't true. Her death makes me cherish life more. I hate how death makes us jolt back to humbled ground. To kiss the earth we live on, and pain for those who no longer walk upon it with us. Morkia, I mourn your death, but rejoice in the life you lived and the lives you touched. I know that you were a friend and a very warm hearted and amazing person. I hope you found true peace, and so will those that you left to still face this mortal coil. I’ll miss you and keep the love and memories of you in my heart always.
My thoughts don’t end there. I left a loved one far, far away. It seems like no matter what there is always distance between us. I wanted the visit to be wonderful and awesome. But parts were not, I don’t know why. Something inside me is aching to be let out. I want to scream right now. I want to shatter my window and see glass fall like the emotions in my heart. I am not destructive towards myself when I pain, but I don’t stop myself from crying till I’m ill. -takes a deep breath- More than anything right now, it’s the silence in my room and my own head that’s killing me. I have to focus on schooling and classes, finals, sculptures not finished, and presentations to present. I have work, work, and even more work waiting for me in the summer. I want to die for a moment, to just not exist, maybe then I will just refresh in that moment. When I arrive back to the living world I can make amends, and just forget that I was hurting in the first place.
More than anything right now I want to be in someone’s arms. I want them to stroke my hair and hold me while I cry or pour out my heart. I want to have someone that loves me deeply and cares beyond the ends of this earth for me to comfort me in this time of need and sorrow. I think of how many friends I have here to call upon. And yet, I think of no one I would bother to knock on their door with tear filled eyes and crumble at their feet. I am too solitary in my pain to bring myself to that. And the ones that I want to cry in the arms of, are not here. My family is at home, several hours drive away. And my love is states away, in his own thoughts probably. I regret being emotional and know to some degree it will end things I cherish. But then again, I have to think that me paining with no one to hold me, or comfort me in anyway will mean something. That I will come out of this unscathed and unfailing in my strength.
I want so desperately to cry my eyes out for the next few days. To not worry and stress about college and it’s demands. I have put things off, and damn the consequences. I don’t care that I have to talk to my teachers and tell them of my problems. I just don’t care anymore. If they have a problem with it, then they will just have to dock me a few points for missing class. I do the homework, take the tests. And the only bloody thing I missed was sculpture critique. I still haven’t even bloody made the sculpture I was suppose to. I need to be inspired, not depressed! How can I meld creativity through hands that just want to clutch a pillow as I weep into it?
It isn’t fair and it isn’t the way things are suppose to happen. I should want to seek out those that would help me. But I can’t even seem to find the words to tell my parents how my day went. I’m hopeless and I know it. I just know that I am worried right now. For there is someone I want to hear from right now very much. It eats me apart waiting here. Why do I need to do this? Why can’t I just forget? I can only push away the world and its weight for a few minutes. I distract myself with music and movies and books filled with places to hide. But when I turn from them, try to focus on work, I falter. Find myself spending to much time in the dark silence of my room, pain ebbing beneath the surface, tears stinging my eyes. I push things off and even make myself worse by not doing things I need too. One more bloody week then I bid this place ado. It isn’t soon enough. Oh god, give me strength to hold out. To do the things I need to do.
Okay, I need to just put my mind at ease for a while. Force myself to read my lecture notes for the test tomorrow. Possibly force myself to smash a sculpture together in one day. Oh I really am seeking for a miracle right now. I just hope that I can get through these few days without this silence deafening me for good. -closes my eyes against pain stirring in my heart- I’ll make it, that’s all I know. I feel drained and cried out, and yet I will cry more. I will pain more and probably self induce ulcers from the worrying. I just hope that when things quiet in my heart, or when they rear up again, I will not falter.
I hope that the next journal entry will be a happy one. I hope it will and will strive to make it so. I swear.
My thoughts don’t end there. I left a loved one far, far away. It seems like no matter what there is always distance between us. I wanted the visit to be wonderful and awesome. But parts were not, I don’t know why. Something inside me is aching to be let out. I want to scream right now. I want to shatter my window and see glass fall like the emotions in my heart. I am not destructive towards myself when I pain, but I don’t stop myself from crying till I’m ill. -takes a deep breath- More than anything right now, it’s the silence in my room and my own head that’s killing me. I have to focus on schooling and classes, finals, sculptures not finished, and presentations to present. I have work, work, and even more work waiting for me in the summer. I want to die for a moment, to just not exist, maybe then I will just refresh in that moment. When I arrive back to the living world I can make amends, and just forget that I was hurting in the first place.
More than anything right now I want to be in someone’s arms. I want them to stroke my hair and hold me while I cry or pour out my heart. I want to have someone that loves me deeply and cares beyond the ends of this earth for me to comfort me in this time of need and sorrow. I think of how many friends I have here to call upon. And yet, I think of no one I would bother to knock on their door with tear filled eyes and crumble at their feet. I am too solitary in my pain to bring myself to that. And the ones that I want to cry in the arms of, are not here. My family is at home, several hours drive away. And my love is states away, in his own thoughts probably. I regret being emotional and know to some degree it will end things I cherish. But then again, I have to think that me paining with no one to hold me, or comfort me in anyway will mean something. That I will come out of this unscathed and unfailing in my strength.
I want so desperately to cry my eyes out for the next few days. To not worry and stress about college and it’s demands. I have put things off, and damn the consequences. I don’t care that I have to talk to my teachers and tell them of my problems. I just don’t care anymore. If they have a problem with it, then they will just have to dock me a few points for missing class. I do the homework, take the tests. And the only bloody thing I missed was sculpture critique. I still haven’t even bloody made the sculpture I was suppose to. I need to be inspired, not depressed! How can I meld creativity through hands that just want to clutch a pillow as I weep into it?
It isn’t fair and it isn’t the way things are suppose to happen. I should want to seek out those that would help me. But I can’t even seem to find the words to tell my parents how my day went. I’m hopeless and I know it. I just know that I am worried right now. For there is someone I want to hear from right now very much. It eats me apart waiting here. Why do I need to do this? Why can’t I just forget? I can only push away the world and its weight for a few minutes. I distract myself with music and movies and books filled with places to hide. But when I turn from them, try to focus on work, I falter. Find myself spending to much time in the dark silence of my room, pain ebbing beneath the surface, tears stinging my eyes. I push things off and even make myself worse by not doing things I need too. One more bloody week then I bid this place ado. It isn’t soon enough. Oh god, give me strength to hold out. To do the things I need to do.
Okay, I need to just put my mind at ease for a while. Force myself to read my lecture notes for the test tomorrow. Possibly force myself to smash a sculpture together in one day. Oh I really am seeking for a miracle right now. I just hope that I can get through these few days without this silence deafening me for good. -closes my eyes against pain stirring in my heart- I’ll make it, that’s all I know. I feel drained and cried out, and yet I will cry more. I will pain more and probably self induce ulcers from the worrying. I just hope that when things quiet in my heart, or when they rear up again, I will not falter.
I hope that the next journal entry will be a happy one. I hope it will and will strive to make it so. I swear.