Life Matters
Pull up your sleeves, grab a piece of paper, and jot this down. It's time for your 411 on life! Or at least, mine.
So, I am here at home, sitting in my room in my house contemplating on the many flittering thoughts in my clouded head. Wondering why it is that the world seems to stop when I leave home and focus on college. There, things make sense, routine ensues, and I do all the math. However, I get home, and might as well burn the books and dance on the flames, for books smarts won't get you out of life's little challenges. Sure, you can brow beat someone with your wit and smarts to get an ego boost, but we all know that never lasts. Plus, the backfire can be a biznatch. However, I must say, there is defiantly never a dull moment in the Shideler house. At least, not so much as in my house, but what has transpired since I returned to reside in it.
Other than worry about my two jobs I start on Monday, and when my boyfriend shall arrive next week to officially move to Washington state, my thoughts have been peaceful. I had a shaky start to the summer with my Uncle Wid’s life being claimed by cancer. I had a nice weeks worth of solitude and escaped to my grandparents cabin in Oregon. After that, its been getting jobs and seeing Jonny Depp in streaming mascara and oil based makeup in theaters. I guess I should just cut to the chase, and get to the bottom of the real uprooted problem. My friend Whendy, is getting married. Now, your probably sitting in your chair, clicking the exit button, hell so would I. But seriously, hey, it’s a journal, and venting shall commence.
Well, my wonderful friend since 7th grade informed me a few days ago that she was proposed to by her lovey dovey man, Blaine. Now, even though I have not met Blaine, his track record is not promising. Everything Whendy has told me about him, his life, and his future ambitions, which have been nothing but bleak, dull, and in short, negative. But hey, she loves him right?! God I hope so, or some major slaps back to reality need to ensue. Putting that aside, I of course take the role as the ONLY supportive friend in Whendy’s rash decision. I have done nothing but support Whendy throughout the whole time I have met her. Through her akward jr. high school days, where she quickly became one of my most beloved friends. Then to her promising yet challenging High school years, where she blew me out of the water, and many others with her talent and heart. To her not so shiny days after graduation, where she made more stupid mistakes than good decisions. From boyfriends, flings, bad experiences, lies, hard truths, and even harder choices, I have been there throughout it all. Technically, not here, for I went to college...but she is good at keeping in touch, one of the few. Bless her heart for that. Although, I have been there for Whendy for many things, I never could imagine I would be in this situation.
I was in a whirl of wedding dresses and diamond rings this past Thursday. Blinded by brilliance and dizzy day dreams of future brides to be. Surprisingly, I wasn’t swooning with my three other friends, Heather, Janelle, and Whendy, as we swept into store after store like hawks, and eyed all the pretty bride to be bobbles. No, my head was firmly on whilst there’s where high in the sky dreaming of days of weddings and fantasy honeymoon nights. Every time I got the fleeting glimpse of me decapitating my head to fly with theirs, I would quickly look at Whendy and my heart would drop. I don’t quite know why, or how, but somewhere inside of my heart, whilst I was ooing and awwing with the other girls, I was crying, and weeping inside. I can’t get into details as of where these feelings take root, but I can tell you that they are based in fact and speculation. Two very dangerous combinations for me, and let alone for Whendy.
I am torn between being the friend or the foe. How does one choose words to something they promised to never say? Always support, always help, always love. It has been my feelings toward Whendy ever since we met. I don’t feel like I am her mother and I need to punish her, I just need to support her in everything, and voice concerns only when they arise. But her stupidity has astounded me as of late. A very scary reality has come to my attention, one which I don’t think I can bear the weight and delicacy of. Whendy has chosen a man to wed, but the only problem is, by doing this she lost everyone else in her life. Her parents disowned her, her friends appalled, and everyone in between disapproving and extremely unsupportive in her decision. And alas, the only one standing beside her in the end is me, yet again. How do I tell a friend my true feelings when it could tear not only her dreams apart, but our friendship as well? As I said, I am not sure if I am ready for this, nor what I am to feel, think, or do.
All I do know is that smiling as I cry inside is not going to be an option, as least not for very long. How do I explain what everyone else has been saying all along, and make it sound new and sincere? How do I plea for a future that is not my own? How do I say the right words to help not hurt? So many questions, and yet I know that one thing is clear. There is no easy way, and in the end, there will be painful rain on this wedding parade. I pray and hope that I have the strength and humility to be the friend I always have been, and speak for those who cannot be heard. I only hope that she doesn’t hate me in the end, but learn after the pain subsides, that it was for the best. I’ve lost too many friends in my life, and I am not going to try to loose another. Not while I still draw breath and have the power to change lives. I believe people do have the power to change lives, I just didn’t know I did too. According to Whendy, I am one of those people in her life. Shaky steps hopefully will lead to a secure destination. With time, I know my questions will eventually be answered. Until then, I wait, I pray, and I get the courage to speak the words I never wanted to say.
All I can say for now is that I hope I wake from this nightmare. This nightmare that has taken a dreams true place.
So, I am here at home, sitting in my room in my house contemplating on the many flittering thoughts in my clouded head. Wondering why it is that the world seems to stop when I leave home and focus on college. There, things make sense, routine ensues, and I do all the math. However, I get home, and might as well burn the books and dance on the flames, for books smarts won't get you out of life's little challenges. Sure, you can brow beat someone with your wit and smarts to get an ego boost, but we all know that never lasts. Plus, the backfire can be a biznatch. However, I must say, there is defiantly never a dull moment in the Shideler house. At least, not so much as in my house, but what has transpired since I returned to reside in it.
Other than worry about my two jobs I start on Monday, and when my boyfriend shall arrive next week to officially move to Washington state, my thoughts have been peaceful. I had a shaky start to the summer with my Uncle Wid’s life being claimed by cancer. I had a nice weeks worth of solitude and escaped to my grandparents cabin in Oregon. After that, its been getting jobs and seeing Jonny Depp in streaming mascara and oil based makeup in theaters. I guess I should just cut to the chase, and get to the bottom of the real uprooted problem. My friend Whendy, is getting married. Now, your probably sitting in your chair, clicking the exit button, hell so would I. But seriously, hey, it’s a journal, and venting shall commence.
Well, my wonderful friend since 7th grade informed me a few days ago that she was proposed to by her lovey dovey man, Blaine. Now, even though I have not met Blaine, his track record is not promising. Everything Whendy has told me about him, his life, and his future ambitions, which have been nothing but bleak, dull, and in short, negative. But hey, she loves him right?! God I hope so, or some major slaps back to reality need to ensue. Putting that aside, I of course take the role as the ONLY supportive friend in Whendy’s rash decision. I have done nothing but support Whendy throughout the whole time I have met her. Through her akward jr. high school days, where she quickly became one of my most beloved friends. Then to her promising yet challenging High school years, where she blew me out of the water, and many others with her talent and heart. To her not so shiny days after graduation, where she made more stupid mistakes than good decisions. From boyfriends, flings, bad experiences, lies, hard truths, and even harder choices, I have been there throughout it all. Technically, not here, for I went to college...but she is good at keeping in touch, one of the few. Bless her heart for that. Although, I have been there for Whendy for many things, I never could imagine I would be in this situation.
I was in a whirl of wedding dresses and diamond rings this past Thursday. Blinded by brilliance and dizzy day dreams of future brides to be. Surprisingly, I wasn’t swooning with my three other friends, Heather, Janelle, and Whendy, as we swept into store after store like hawks, and eyed all the pretty bride to be bobbles. No, my head was firmly on whilst there’s where high in the sky dreaming of days of weddings and fantasy honeymoon nights. Every time I got the fleeting glimpse of me decapitating my head to fly with theirs, I would quickly look at Whendy and my heart would drop. I don’t quite know why, or how, but somewhere inside of my heart, whilst I was ooing and awwing with the other girls, I was crying, and weeping inside. I can’t get into details as of where these feelings take root, but I can tell you that they are based in fact and speculation. Two very dangerous combinations for me, and let alone for Whendy.
I am torn between being the friend or the foe. How does one choose words to something they promised to never say? Always support, always help, always love. It has been my feelings toward Whendy ever since we met. I don’t feel like I am her mother and I need to punish her, I just need to support her in everything, and voice concerns only when they arise. But her stupidity has astounded me as of late. A very scary reality has come to my attention, one which I don’t think I can bear the weight and delicacy of. Whendy has chosen a man to wed, but the only problem is, by doing this she lost everyone else in her life. Her parents disowned her, her friends appalled, and everyone in between disapproving and extremely unsupportive in her decision. And alas, the only one standing beside her in the end is me, yet again. How do I tell a friend my true feelings when it could tear not only her dreams apart, but our friendship as well? As I said, I am not sure if I am ready for this, nor what I am to feel, think, or do.
All I do know is that smiling as I cry inside is not going to be an option, as least not for very long. How do I explain what everyone else has been saying all along, and make it sound new and sincere? How do I plea for a future that is not my own? How do I say the right words to help not hurt? So many questions, and yet I know that one thing is clear. There is no easy way, and in the end, there will be painful rain on this wedding parade. I pray and hope that I have the strength and humility to be the friend I always have been, and speak for those who cannot be heard. I only hope that she doesn’t hate me in the end, but learn after the pain subsides, that it was for the best. I’ve lost too many friends in my life, and I am not going to try to loose another. Not while I still draw breath and have the power to change lives. I believe people do have the power to change lives, I just didn’t know I did too. According to Whendy, I am one of those people in her life. Shaky steps hopefully will lead to a secure destination. With time, I know my questions will eventually be answered. Until then, I wait, I pray, and I get the courage to speak the words I never wanted to say.
All I can say for now is that I hope I wake from this nightmare. This nightmare that has taken a dreams true place.