Red
Today, as of 7:16 am (I think) I turned twenty years old. It's nice. I think twenty is a much more reasonable age to be considered a legal adult and should also be the legal drinking age. Because you're no longer a teenager and have (hopefully) had at least a taste of the weighty responsiblities full fledged adults bare on a perpetual basis.
I am happy to be twenty, happy to be considered, in regards to age, out of adolescence. It feels like today I have shrugged into an article of clothing that fits perfectly, no longer too big for me, but comfortable, like it's as familiar to me as my own skin.
Many things won't change externally. Most of my peers will still feel below me. It's been that way all my life I feel. And I don't say that out of snobbery or full of myself. Very rarely have I felt I've encountered my equals in maturity, effort, and conscience. Neko was close, but even she turned out to be disappointing. Other than that, I only find that ambitious, adult like nature in my own family. I think it's been bred into us, though only Alanis and St. Peter's Mafia exhibit it so stronlgy.
Those of a non familial nature are lacking in one sense or another, each one of them. I am beginning to think that disappointment is one of the most hurtful feelings in the world. It's most evident in Him. He has so much potential; He could, if He wanted to, tip the scales so I would favor Him more. He could be wonderful, much closer to someone I would be willing to try and spend the rest of my life now then He is right now. Right now it just feels doomed most of the time. I stand by Him because He is going through a hard time and I care about Him even if I am falling out of love with Him. It's a pity, really. But I'm growing out of Him. I don't see him in the same way, with adoring longing eyes, but now I see all His faults and foolhardiness.
It's nice having him as a physical lover, but that's shallow and certainly not enough. Sometimes I feel I'm wronging myself by partaking in such intimate acts with someone I know I'm not completely in love with if I'm in love with Him at all.
He's a well intentioned fool, but a fool nontheless.
Anyway, getting back to my birthday...
I will be happy to go home and have my birthday dinner (eggplant parmesian, spaghetti, chocolate cake for desert) and have the party. It will be nice having all my friends over.
I'm twenty years old and I feel pretty damn satisfied with how far I've gotten in two decades. I feel I am doing well. But I also feel I could do even better, far far better in the next decade. Live life more fully, you know, especially now that it's more in my control then almost ever before.
I'm tired. I think I will go read more Eragon. I want to finish the book and go see the movie tomorrow, but we will see.
My goal as I get older is to complain less and do more good. Complaining doesn't hardly ever fix the situation, if even if it can make me feel better.
I am happy to be twenty, happy to be considered, in regards to age, out of adolescence. It feels like today I have shrugged into an article of clothing that fits perfectly, no longer too big for me, but comfortable, like it's as familiar to me as my own skin.
Many things won't change externally. Most of my peers will still feel below me. It's been that way all my life I feel. And I don't say that out of snobbery or full of myself. Very rarely have I felt I've encountered my equals in maturity, effort, and conscience. Neko was close, but even she turned out to be disappointing. Other than that, I only find that ambitious, adult like nature in my own family. I think it's been bred into us, though only Alanis and St. Peter's Mafia exhibit it so stronlgy.
Those of a non familial nature are lacking in one sense or another, each one of them. I am beginning to think that disappointment is one of the most hurtful feelings in the world. It's most evident in Him. He has so much potential; He could, if He wanted to, tip the scales so I would favor Him more. He could be wonderful, much closer to someone I would be willing to try and spend the rest of my life now then He is right now. Right now it just feels doomed most of the time. I stand by Him because He is going through a hard time and I care about Him even if I am falling out of love with Him. It's a pity, really. But I'm growing out of Him. I don't see him in the same way, with adoring longing eyes, but now I see all His faults and foolhardiness.
It's nice having him as a physical lover, but that's shallow and certainly not enough. Sometimes I feel I'm wronging myself by partaking in such intimate acts with someone I know I'm not completely in love with if I'm in love with Him at all.
He's a well intentioned fool, but a fool nontheless.
Anyway, getting back to my birthday...
I will be happy to go home and have my birthday dinner (eggplant parmesian, spaghetti, chocolate cake for desert) and have the party. It will be nice having all my friends over.
I'm twenty years old and I feel pretty damn satisfied with how far I've gotten in two decades. I feel I am doing well. But I also feel I could do even better, far far better in the next decade. Live life more fully, you know, especially now that it's more in my control then almost ever before.
I'm tired. I think I will go read more Eragon. I want to finish the book and go see the movie tomorrow, but we will see.
My goal as I get older is to complain less and do more good. Complaining doesn't hardly ever fix the situation, if even if it can make me feel better.