Narrative
This is not Negative. Just narrative.
There was a time when people wanted me to get to know them.. but its like that time is long past. Not trying to be negative or anything, but I lead a lonely life. There was someone who I thought was going to be very close.. closer than most people have come.. but they left me hanging. They slipped through my finger before I knew what was happening. There is always a reasoning behind everything I do. Its just hard to explain it to anyone. I don't have the words I need to say or want to say. It just comes out meaning something I really didn't mean it to. Coming out as something I said before or something that makes no sense.
Its the understanding I crave. Someone who can understand who I am and what I really mean. Open minded to the point they will see before I do what I really mean before I finish. I crave caring. Someone who cares enough to intervene with my affairs and help me set them straight. Get everything back in the order that they were meant to be. I crave intelligence. Someone who's smart who I can talk to for hours and the time passes like it was nothing. I crave insight. Someone who can see past the a persons appearance and see the person inside. The person they were meant to be. The person they want to be. I crave life. Someone who can see another part of life that I haven't been able to see. Someone who can share that part with me and know I really want to see what they see. I crave conflict. Someone who's not going to agree with everything I say. Someone who will fight for their view no the world.. life.. anything in general. I crave humor. Someone who can laugh at almost anything. Just their very laugh can change my day for the better. Even a small smile that can make me fall in love with them all over again. I crave warmth. Someone who's touch can change me from hiding everything to sharing my darkest secrets. Someone who I can cry in front of without them pitying me. Someone to hold me on my worst days. Someone I can lay next to that pulls gently at my heart, pulling me into a gentle peaceful sleep. A sleep I have not had in months. I crave a gamer. Someone who's willing to play the games I play and will let me play with them in theirs. I crave love. Everything from a caring hug down to a fierce hunger in their eyes. I met someone with all these qualities, and I fell hard for her before I even knew what it was I was feeling. She made me feel.. alive. Like I haven't felt in ages. Like the world was at my fingertips and anything was possible. For once in a great while, I was genuinely happy.
I've felt a hug sense of loss these past few months, ever since my birthday. The only thing I wanted for my birthday was to see her. Even for a few minutes would have been worth it. I felt so.. happy.. when I called her. I was feeling sick for a long while, but after hearing her voice.. I felt so much better. I've heard so many times that she isn't worth my time, that she's a bitch for running my feelings around in circles. I was lonely without her. I thought about her constantly. Even a few said they saw how much I cared for her when I was around her, and I do. I care for her a great deal. I've gone out of my way many times, just to see her smile.
I was thinking about getting Foo Fighter tickets to make up for her birthday, the one Sunday, and Valentine's. I just don't know now. There was so many things I was going to do this year. For her, I was going to be the man I was meant to be. See that she was happy. Comfortable. But nothing I have done was enough. No matter how hard I tried, even so far as to do everything she asked.. it wasn't enough.
What does that say about me? Does this mean I can never be enough for anyone? Does it mean anything I do is not enough? Why is it I am always alone in times when I really need that person to be there for me?
There have been so many nights, waking from a cold sweat, that I've looked around for that person. Hoping that what I was going through was just a bad dream. Those few nights that she stayed the night with me.. I fell back asleep.. feeling relieved that I was only having a bad dream. All the other nights.. I lay back down.. feeling the emptiness of the room. Crowding me. I fall back into a fitful sleep. The bad dreams slowly coming back. Mixed in with the dreams of seeing her again.
I will always be the friend.. never the man anyone wants to be with.
There was a time when people wanted me to get to know them.. but its like that time is long past. Not trying to be negative or anything, but I lead a lonely life. There was someone who I thought was going to be very close.. closer than most people have come.. but they left me hanging. They slipped through my finger before I knew what was happening. There is always a reasoning behind everything I do. Its just hard to explain it to anyone. I don't have the words I need to say or want to say. It just comes out meaning something I really didn't mean it to. Coming out as something I said before or something that makes no sense.
Its the understanding I crave. Someone who can understand who I am and what I really mean. Open minded to the point they will see before I do what I really mean before I finish. I crave caring. Someone who cares enough to intervene with my affairs and help me set them straight. Get everything back in the order that they were meant to be. I crave intelligence. Someone who's smart who I can talk to for hours and the time passes like it was nothing. I crave insight. Someone who can see past the a persons appearance and see the person inside. The person they were meant to be. The person they want to be. I crave life. Someone who can see another part of life that I haven't been able to see. Someone who can share that part with me and know I really want to see what they see. I crave conflict. Someone who's not going to agree with everything I say. Someone who will fight for their view no the world.. life.. anything in general. I crave humor. Someone who can laugh at almost anything. Just their very laugh can change my day for the better. Even a small smile that can make me fall in love with them all over again. I crave warmth. Someone who's touch can change me from hiding everything to sharing my darkest secrets. Someone who I can cry in front of without them pitying me. Someone to hold me on my worst days. Someone I can lay next to that pulls gently at my heart, pulling me into a gentle peaceful sleep. A sleep I have not had in months. I crave a gamer. Someone who's willing to play the games I play and will let me play with them in theirs. I crave love. Everything from a caring hug down to a fierce hunger in their eyes. I met someone with all these qualities, and I fell hard for her before I even knew what it was I was feeling. She made me feel.. alive. Like I haven't felt in ages. Like the world was at my fingertips and anything was possible. For once in a great while, I was genuinely happy.
I've felt a hug sense of loss these past few months, ever since my birthday. The only thing I wanted for my birthday was to see her. Even for a few minutes would have been worth it. I felt so.. happy.. when I called her. I was feeling sick for a long while, but after hearing her voice.. I felt so much better. I've heard so many times that she isn't worth my time, that she's a bitch for running my feelings around in circles. I was lonely without her. I thought about her constantly. Even a few said they saw how much I cared for her when I was around her, and I do. I care for her a great deal. I've gone out of my way many times, just to see her smile.
I was thinking about getting Foo Fighter tickets to make up for her birthday, the one Sunday, and Valentine's. I just don't know now. There was so many things I was going to do this year. For her, I was going to be the man I was meant to be. See that she was happy. Comfortable. But nothing I have done was enough. No matter how hard I tried, even so far as to do everything she asked.. it wasn't enough.
What does that say about me? Does this mean I can never be enough for anyone? Does it mean anything I do is not enough? Why is it I am always alone in times when I really need that person to be there for me?
There have been so many nights, waking from a cold sweat, that I've looked around for that person. Hoping that what I was going through was just a bad dream. Those few nights that she stayed the night with me.. I fell back asleep.. feeling relieved that I was only having a bad dream. All the other nights.. I lay back down.. feeling the emptiness of the room. Crowding me. I fall back into a fitful sleep. The bad dreams slowly coming back. Mixed in with the dreams of seeing her again.
I will always be the friend.. never the man anyone wants to be with.