His Sakura Chapter 28
Title: His Sakura
Pairing: Sakumoto (other pairings may be appearing later)
Setting: Early Edo period. Historically incorrect and purely fiction.
Warning: PLEASE READ WARNING ON CHAPTER 1/MASTERPOST
UnBeta-ed in this chapter
Summary: When Jun ended up in a castle.
A/N: Hello there! Hishashiburi! I'm sorry I seem to be neglecting writing this story but unfortunately my brain isn't up to writing lately and it's frustrating because I wanted to write all the scenes in my head but the words won't come out.
I still don't know if anyone is waiting? lol
And to Iven, I'm sorry that I didn't wait for you before posting this chapter. By posting this, now I can stop myself from re-reading and make changes to this chapter and move on to the next one
Chapter 1 >> Chapter 2 >> Chapter 3 >> Chapter 4 >> Chapter 5
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>> Chapter 24 >> Chapter 25 >> Chapter 26 >> Chapter 27
A single bead of stray water on Sakurai’s temple was caught before it got lost in between Sakurai’s hair strands. Jun clutched the white towel he was holding, withdrawing it from Sakurai’s face. Honestly, he was reluctant to be beside the daimyo but there was nowhere else he could go since they were leaving the daimyo inside Jun’s house for the time being. Inevitably, he was stuck in the task of caring for the sick Sakurai. How? Mostly, the blame fell on Matsuoka-sama. Additionally, the healer seemed to be conspiring against him too. Kishibe’s words to him just now echoed in his ears. “You’re his concubine, aren’t you? It’s best for you to stay here to accompany our daimyo so he won’t get lonely.” Jun still remembered the sneaky little smile that was forming on Kishibe’s mouth when he said that. That sly old man, he just probably wanted to go back to sleep instead of staying up to accompany the daimyo, Jun grumbled under his breath.
All the unwanted excitement made Jun exhausted but unintentionally it left Jun feeling alert much more than before. Not feeling sleepy yet, his eyes darted to Sakurai’s assistant who was sitting opposite him, on the left side of the daimyo. Right now, they were the only one who were left behind to accompany Sakurai, whereas everyone else was sent out of the room by Matsuoka to give some breathing space for the daimyo. The assistant who introduced himself to Jun as Muro was very focused in doing his job in dipping a towel inside a basin of cold water and squeezing out the water back into it before he placed it on Sakurai’s forehead, and then repeated the same cycle of actions every few minutes as the towel lost its coolness.
Jun’s eyes drifted to the sleeping daimyo. The soft glow of the candles placed strategically inside the room provided a decent illumination, nevertheless it wasn’t bright enough to distract Sakurai’s sleep. Now that everything had calmed down, Jun had the time to take a good look at the daimyo. Despite the orangish tinge emitted from the candle that cast throughout the whole room, it didn’t do enough to hide the daimyo’s current condition from his eyes.
Sakurai’s face was a little flushed due to his fever, but his lips were a contrast to his skin. They had lost their usual healthy red tinge Jun used to see on him and were appeared so dry they chapped slightly. Jun remarked the slight trembling on his lower lips, and if he leant in closer, he might hear Sakurai’s teeth clattering like he was drowning in ice when in fact his skin was burning to the touch. His eyebrows were twitching and sometimes drew together, like he was in a very uncomfortable sleep. There was a sheen of sweat covering the surface of the visible skin, especially on his neck that stubbornly re-appeared even though it was regularly wiped away ever so gently by Muro. His breaths appeared laboured and there was audible sound every time his chest going up and down sharply.
Sakurai was indeed in a great discomfort and Jun couldn’t find himself being happy about Sakurai’s suffering. And for the first time ever since knowing Sakurai, a strange feeling akin to sympathy crept inside Jun’s heart.
Seeing the daimyo’s condition, Jun reminded himself that Sakurai was a human being too, just like him. Sakurai wasn’t as invincible as he might’ve perceived him. It’s a fact that human can’t run away from sickness. When it attacks, nobody, not even the most powerful human being on earth will be able to run away from it. It’s part of nature’s work and Jun was very much reminded of it as his mind travelled back to the memory of his and Sakurai’s father who both had succumbed to diseases.
The thought made Jun looked worryingly at Sakurai. As much as Jun wanted Sakurai to suffer from his past action, he didn’t want Sakurai to fall victim to incurable sickness just like their fathers. For reason unknown, Jun didn’t want Sakurai to lose his battle, he wanted Sakurai to continue living. However, he couldn’t shake away the fear that begin to grip him - that Sakurai might not survive the ordeal.
He closed his eyes momentarily, his fingers curled themselves around his arms in half-hug until he felt the pressure digging into his skin. No, Sakurai will be cured. This is temporary. He’s strong after all.
Somehow, he kept chanting those words in his mind like he was persuading himself to believe that, before he stopped to question himself a moment later why he would care so much. But when he turned his eyes to look at Muro, he realised that the daimyo must have meant something to at least someone as he saw how the assistant looked genuinely worried over the daimyo. And Jun realised he didn’t want to wish anything bad to befall Sakurai. He felt bad for even wishing it before.
He averted his eyes away from both the daimyo and his loyal assistant, not wanting to feel worse than he already was. Jun chewed his lower lips when his mind rolled back to what had happened just a while ago.
When Jun found himself being buried underneath Sakurai, at first, he had struggled to get Sakurai off him. After successfully wriggling himself out of the way, he spent the next several minutes just staring at the unconscious daimyo in the darkness. When Jun didn’t get a single response from the daimyo after he poked Sakurai’s arm and cheek multiple times, it was then that he decided to turn panicky. Bringing the lone candle inside the guess chamber to his room in a rush, Jun gasped when he took a closer look at the daimyo. He could gather that Sakurai was ill, but he didn’t know how ill he was. The daimyo looked terrible. No wonder he passed out, he thought at that time.
Jun went to the door to take a peak outside. He thought at least a retainer, or a guard might follow Sakurai here so he could tell him about Sakurai’s condition but he was only met with silence when he opened his front door. So, Sakurai came alone then?
Quickly, Jun strode back inside his room and squatted beside the daimyo. He subconsciously bit his nail wondering what his next course of action should be.
Jun knew that Sakurai needed medical help but for some reason, at this crucial time he couldn’t move his body in fear as sudden unpleasant thought came to him. What would they say when they saw their daimyo like this? Would they think that he is the cause of Sakurai’s sickness? Would they blame him? No, they couldn’t be, Jun shook his head. Yes, he had failed to notice Sakurai’s unusual behaviour until he was inside Jun’s house, but they couldn’t blame him for Sakurai being unconscious.
What if Sakurai died here?
Jun felt fear came to him causing goose bumps ran all over his body. He hugged himself. He remembered questioning Sakurai just now, aggravating his illness that might cause him to die. Then, wouldn’t he be partly guilty? However, he didn’t want to be blamed for killing Sakurai if he died because of that. He’s innocent. But what if they want to find someone to blame and he’s the best candidate because he’s the only one here? Then they’ll catch him and send him for beheading.
Jun gasped. No, he didn’t want to get killed for that!
His wild imaginations kept running through his head repeatedly, causing his fear to escalate. Therefore, Jun didn’t know what he should do even though it was clear that Sakurai isn’t dead yet. The immediate thought that came to him was for him to run. But where? Wouldn’t that make him guiltier? No, running is a bad idea, Jun decided.
Then what should he do?
After pacing around in circles that eventually manage to put some sense back inside his head, Jun suddenly remembered Kishibe-san. Kishibe could treat him, he’s the healer. He could help Sakurai from dying and then nobody will be beheading Jun. But then Jun’s panic returned when he realized that he didn’t know where he lived. The healer might not even live inside the castle.
What to do? What to do?
It made him went for another round of pacing that waste even more time.
In the end, after tossing several options that became much more extreme the more he spent time thinking about them, he decided that he had to tell Sakurai’s retainers, or guards so they could take Sakurai away from his house as soon as possible before anything worse could happen - after he made sure that Sakurai is still alive of course. There was no way that he could keep hiding the unconscious Sakurai inside his house any longer. Even if he knew how to fetch the healer, the healer would eventually tell the others too anyway. After making up his mind, Jun chose to run towards the daimyo’s resident as fast as his feet allowed him to.
Jun met the same guards he had met previously. Even before Jun finished explaining, one of them already told the other to fetch Matsuoka-sama and the healer immediately. Jun waited silently as the guard went inside to tell the others. After that, Jun meekly jogged along with the guard to head to his house. The group beginning to expand as more members of Sakurai’s retainers joining their way to Jun’s house like a marching band. Jun beginning to wonder whether his house could accommodate them at all.
They gasped in unison when they found the daimyo in the exact position Jun left him; faced down on the floor. Eyes were turned to Jun sharply, staring him like hawks, accusing him of making the daimyo like that. Jun turned down his eyes to the ground feeling himself shrinking away. He had expected their reactions, but he didn’t know it would be that strong and it made Jun felt bad and scared. The thought of giving Sakurai a more comfortable position didn’t occur to him before he went to seek help. To be fair to him he was in panic and they should understand that. But of course, who was he to try defending himself in front of Sakurai’s men?
Without further ado, the daimyo was immediately moved to the guest chamber and was put over a futon. At the same time, the house turned brighter than it was during the day as the retainers began to ignite every single candle and lantern they found inside the house. The healer arrived as immediately as he could.
Jun was watching everything on the periphery, not knowing what to do or how to make himself useful. It was like he was a stranger in his own home, just watching helplessly at all the people who were taking over his house. Internally he was thankful that Sakurai didn’t die otherwise he couldn’t imagine their treatment to him now. He might’ve probably been killed already.
A heated debate soon broke out between the retainers who had higher positions than the rest, where half of them was calling for the daimyo to be carried back to his own house which was much comfortable to him, but the other half was very much preferred for Sakurai not to be moved. When Matsuoka arrived - Jun consciously took a hiding behind all the men - he made the decision for them that it was better for the daimyo to rest inside Jun’s house.
As they anxiously watched the healer doing his work and checking up upon Sakurai, Jun silently slipped out of the house, feeling unneeded. He didn’t notice that someone saw him and followed.
“Jun-sama.”
Jun froze hearing the familiar voice. Matsuoka-sama was behind him and approaching him fast. Jun turned panic. Matsuoka-sama was the last person on earth he wanted to talk to and right now he had no idea how to face him. Jun couldn’t help from thinking that Matsuoka must be angry at him about what happened to Sakurai. He was this castle’s second man in charge after all and he was responsible for Sakurai’s well-being. For sure he was angry if anything bad befall on Sakurai, like what was happening right now. Would he blame Jun too, like all those retainers? Besides Jun’s worrying over that, Jun still couldn’t forget his most important issue with Matsuoka too. To think about what Matsuoka-sama currently thought about him was frightening. He had nearly taken his life to get away from the embarrassment and failed, and after that Jun had prayed for him to never see Matsuoka again so he won’t be reminded of his stupid act.
But now, how could he hide himself from him? Jun was wishing the earth could open to swallow him whole. He jerked when he heard Matsuoka calling him again. Jun gulped, wetting his throat that suddenly became parched.
There was no other way than to face the inevitable. If it wasn’t now, they might run into each other again one day anyway. Even with how big this castle was, it still couldn’t hide him from bumping into Matsuoka. After taking several calming breaths, slowly Jun turned around, making sure his head turned down and averting his eyes from looking directly at the man. Jun could already feel Matsuoka’s gaze boring hole onto him as Matsuoka approached him nearer.
“Where are you going? Aren’t you going to stay beside our daimyo?” Asked Matsuoka gently. The tender tone startled Jun a little. He took a step back because suddenly he realized that Matsuoka was too close to him.
“I… I’ll let more qualified person be beside him. I’ll just get in the way…it’s better if I…” Jun trailed, couldn’t finish his words because Matsuoka interrupted him with a chuckle.
“What are you taking about? At the time like this he needs you more than anyone.”
No, he’s wrong.
“But Kishibe-san is already there. He’s needed more than me.”
“He’s the healer, yes, but you’re a much-qualified person to be beside him too. I’m sure you’re the first person he wants to see when he opens his eyes.”
What is he talking about?
“I know next to nothing about medicine or healing people. I’m not even qualified as his assistant…” Jun responded, eyes staring at the ground.
“I didn’t ask you to be his healer nor his assistant. But you’ve every right to be there. An affectionate care from someone he loves is much more appreciated than someone whom he’s not, right?”
Jun looked up, startled. “… Someone he loves? … I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying… and I don’t know whether that’s true...” Matsuoka’s words were a bit surprising to him. Jun clearly doubted what Matsuoka was telling was true. After all, what connected him and Sakurai wasn’t love. It was him being at the most unfortunate event in his life and Sakurai being stupid.
“You don’t believe me?” Matsuoka asked, his face dropped. Jun heard the slight hurt in Matsuoka’s voice that he wanted to convince himself he was surely misheard. Instantly Jun felt unease. He inadvertently looked up the man’s eyes.
To Jun, Matsuoka always possessed warmth inside his eyes, despite the tough and manly exterior, and the slightly scary aura due to his frame and height, and his voice. And now Jun clearly saw the look of hurt behind the warm eyes and he felt genuinely bad.
His distrust and his insecurity had made Matsuoka feeling hurt. How could he be alluding that Matsuoka was being untruthful? Matsuoka was anything but a liar.
Jun was suddenly being reminded by the memory of Sakurai singing praises about Matsuoka, how loyal and truthful to Sakurai he was, and how Matsuoka was the one to make Sakurai saw what he had done.
But on the other hand, he reminded himself too that Matsuoka knew about his humiliation on the hand of Sakurai, and Jun couldn’t forget about that part either.
However, he couldn’t keep himself from going on a circle and hating him for that when Sakurai himself assured him that Matsuoka was not involved. He shouldn’t include Matsuoka in his self-hate too. Matsuoka-sama was too respectful and decent to be categorised as a bad person in his book.
A respectable person who shouldn’t be talking to a sullied person like him.
“I…”
Unwanted emotions overwhelmed him suddenly. Jun felt like crying. His eyes drop to the ground again to hide the tears that started to well.
Jun jerked up when he felt a piece of cloth being dapped onto his cheek, catching his tears from falling. He turned up to see Matsuoka was smiling down at him. Jun’s fingers wrapped around the handkerchief and dabbed the rest of the tears dry. Jun couldn’t help from feeling rather shameful about crying in front of Matsuoka but he couldn’t help himself.
“Don’t punish yourself. Whoever you are before, left it behind.” It was like Matsuoka could read exactly what was playing inside Jun’s mind because the advice had hit the major point. The advice made sense and in some way it sounded comforting to him and Jun suddenly felt like opening up, like he wanted to freely pour every doubt and worry to him.
“But, what happened before was humiliating… It’ll always lingers behind me like a shadow and I can’t help but think about how you and everybody else view me after what happened… I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, talking to you…”
So, there. Now Matsuoka knew what had been bothering him and somehow Jun felt the burden inside him that had made Jun avoiding the man before beginning to ease.
Matsuoka shook his head. “Never, Jun-sama. I will never view you differently from the person I saved from Manabe at that corridor. To me, you’re still the same young, innocent, polite man just like when I first met you.”
Jun blinked. He wanted to easily accept Matsuoka’s words, but his doubt still lingered. “Matsuoka-sama, things had changed greatly since then…”
“It is true. I won’t normalize what had happened. It was a grave mistake on our daimyo’s part and he was regretting everything. I won’t ask you to forgive him right now because it must come from your heart.”
Jun look down on his chest when Matsuoka-sama made a gesture with his finger, pointing at where Jun’s heart was supposed to be.
“But it’s hard…” Jun mumbled out.
“I won’t say that it’ll be easy. If you want it, with enough effort you’ll achieve it. In the end, you are what you want to be.”
They let themselves being engulfed by a moment of silence while Matsuoka let Jun pondered on what he had said.
Jun took a breath. Matsuoka-sama was right, thought Jun. He couldn’t stay angry forever.
“I’ll try…”
“Good.” Matsuoka answered with a relieved smile.
They let silence consuming them again. This time Jun felt much lighter. However, he immediately sensed awkwardness when the silence went a little longer than he wanted. Jun was contemplating to say something but before he does anything, Jun heard a slight clearance of throat.
“Jun-sama, I hope you’re not interpreting me wrongly. Actually…”
Matsuoka sounded a little hesitant and it made Jun confused for a while because it was uncommon to hear Matsuoka far from being his usual confident self.
“Actually, I’ve a request that I would like to ask of you… or at least for you to consider it. Would you be willing to listen?”
Even through his confusion, Jun nodded his head to allow Matsuoka to elaborate further because to be honest Jun was curious what Matsuoka might be requesting from him.
“I would like to ask you to give him a chance to love you.”
Jun stared at him for a while before both of his eyes narrowed. To say that this wasn’t expected was a slight exaggeration, but Jun still didn’t think that Matsuoka would choose to ask this from him directly. Now that Jun thought further, this wasn’t the first time the man asked or more accurately hinted for him to give Sakurai a chance, every time he met Matsuoka-sama the topic would always be part of their conversations; subtly or not.
“Why should I?” Jun asked a little rougher than he intended, body tensing. He stepped back a little, putting a slight distance as his subconscious mind started putting up walls as defence.
Matsuoka-sama seemed to be sensing that Jun was beginning to close off, so he stepped a foot back to put enough space as to not to suffocate Jun. “Because you deserve to be happy. As simple as that.”
Jun looked at him blankly. He wasn’t suggesting it for Sakurai’s sake but for him? The surprise made his edginess shrivelling down a little.
“I… I don’t think I need that…“
“You are. After all that happened to you, you deserve everything in this world can give you. Especially love.”
“What makes you think that I’ll become happier by loving Sakurai-sama?”
“Everything in the world can be righted with love,” said Matsuoka matter-of-factly.
Such an easy statement to make. It made Jun snorted unintentionally. He nearly laughed at the man face. He never thought that Matsuoka, whom he thought was a highly-educated man could possess such a simple mind.
“Are you seriously thinking that?” Jun asked unbelievably.
Matsuoka turned sheepish. “Well, I’ve to be honest with you that it’s indeed a romantic thought, but it’s a pleasant thought all the same. Wouldn’t we want to live in the ideal world where nothing can go wrong with love?”
Jun sighed in annoyance. “This is not an ideal world. He’s not in love with me. And why would I love him anyway?”
“Because you’re his partner now. Make him realize that he loves you too. You both need each other to heal.” Again, Matsuoka-sama seemed to be treating this complicated matter as a simple problem.
Jun frowned deeply. Heal each other? It’s not easy! Besides why it is his task to make Sakurai love him? He doesn’t even want that!
“My wound is invincible. I don’t think it can be healed anytime soon…” Jun mumbled, his mouth forming a slight pout. He felt hurt that Matsuoka seemed to be treating the matter between him and Sakurai so lightly.
Matsuoka-sama clearly heard the mumbling because he said the following to Jun. “You can heal it faster if you forgive yourself and the lord too…”
Jun sighed again. “You’re talking about this ideal world, about love, but don’t you see the flaw here?” Matsuoka-sama quirked his eyebrows, not understanding what Jun meant.
“I’m just a servant-“
“Was.” Matsuoka-sama corrected him immediately.
Jun continued “-was a servant and I can’t be amongst you all and the lord. I don’t belong here…”
Matsuoka-sama gave him a soothing look. “You’ve every right to be here as much as the lord belonged to be a daimyo,” he said.
“And besides, who here in this world has no flaw? No one.” Matsuoka added.
Matsuoka put his hand on Jun’s shoulder. Jun’s eyes flitted to the hand a little before they went back up to meet with Matsuoka’s eyes.
“Remember that you’re now our daimyo’s partner. His concubine. His love. His equal. Stop putting yourself down. I don’t see you other than a person who deserves to be treated fairly. You’re a special person.”
Jun frowned. “Special? I’m just a regular-“
“No, you’re indeed special. To Sakurai-sama, to us, to this castle. Don’t you know that you’re the first male concubine ever being appointed into the Sakurai family in over one hundred and fifty years?”
Jun felt his eyes bulged out of his socket. He didn’t know that.
“Don’t look so shock.” Matsuoka chuckled good-naturedly until both his shoulders shook along with the laughter.
Jun tried to recover from his shock. “Then why I’m being kept a secret?” He uttered the question instantly because that question had been lingering on his mind since the union ceremony.
The man gave him a restrain smile. “Sakurai-sama has a valid reason for that,” Matsuoka-sama answered without actually giving an answer.
“What’s the reason, then?” Jun asked further. He was really curious and suspicious. He couldn’t help that there was something important Matsuoka was not telling him.
Matsuoka shook his head indicating that he won’t say anything further.
“Why aren’t you telling me?” Jun prodded more, he was not satisfied that Matsuoka was clearly dodging his direct and simple question.
Matsuoka chuckled good naturedly. “You’re so persistent, I’ve to admit that.”
Jun pouted. Why was it so hard to give him a straight answer? What was so secretive about it?
“You’re alluding something so of course I want to know more since this concerns me,” Jun said sulkily.
“Only Sakurai-sama can give you the answer to that question. Perhaps he is in the opinion that it’s nothing worth to be troubled about. So, don’t think too hard over it, since you’ll always be safe inside the castle anyway.” Matsuoka-sama said back in a reassuring tone but Jun wasn’t convinced. Matsuoka knew but refused to say more to him.
“Quit frowning. Sakurai-sama will not like it if you made this ugly face in front of him.”
Jun’s frown turned into a scowl. To Jun’s non-amusement it made Matsuoka-sama chuckled pleasantly.
“I’m sorry, I was just teasing you. Whatever face you make still makes you beautiful.”
Jun was still angry but he began to feel himself blushing so mad upon hearing the words. The glint on Matsuoka’s eyes made Jun ducked his head down, feeling shy all of the sudden.
Matsuoka clearly had a charming tongue.
“It’s good that you aren’t tense around me anymore.” The words made Jun looked up, jerking himself away from his thought.
Matsuoka was right, he realized, now that he thought about it clearly. The tension had left him. It was all Matsuoka’s doing. What did he say about Matsuoka having certain charm?
Now that he was at ease with the man, he didn’t feel like hiding from him any longer. The smile on Matsuoka’s face was inviting. Subsequently, Jun felt like smiling too.
“Good, keep that smile when Sakurai-sama wakes up. It’ll probably heal him in an instance.” Matsuoka-sama gave a cheerful chuckle and Jun didn’t realize that he had hit Matsuoka’s chest playfully for teasing him. He gasped when he realized that, but the brief tension abated in an instance when Matsuoka didn’t look too bothered by it.
Jun thought how amazing Matsuoka is. Jun marvelled at how easy Matsuoka dealt with Jun’s emotional thoughts, how easy Matsuoka’s manoeuvring Jun from being overly negative to somewhere where Jun felt at ease, even a little bit. Furthermore, the thought that Matsuoka, being skilfully interfering with his love life wasn’t bothering him that much anymore. Whatever worry Jun have on Matsuoka, everything crumbling down with this short talk. Jun realized that Matsuoka never looked down on him even during that darkest time in his life. Matsuoka-sama saw him as a human being that deserve the same respect and treatment as anyone else. And for this, his respect towards the castle’s most highly positioned man after the daimyo was increasing tenfold. No wonder he is in the position he is now, Jun thought in amazement.
In the end, Jun was feeling so thankful that this talk was happening.
Matsuoka steered Jun inside the house after their talk finished. Jun found himself sitting beside the sleeping daimyo after things had calmed down and the daimyo was safely tucked under the thick duvet. Kishibe had explained to everyone that he had given Sakurai a potent medicine for his decongestion that was causing the drowsiness, partly the reason why the daimyo passed out. Kishibe also said that Sakurai wasn’t supposed to be out of his bed after taking it. Immediately, Jun had felt the eyes of the retainers fallen on him once again, they were like accusing him for luring Sakurai out. Jun pouted heavily before Matsuoka told them off for even thinking of accusing Jun. Jun was so grateful for the defence.
The lack of people inside the room after they were driven away by Matsuoka gave Jun a much breathing space. The air inside the room felt warm. Someone had positioned a brazier heater inside the room out of everyone’s way but still enough distance to provide some heat into the cold night. The high-grade charcoal didn’t produce smoke or smell in which Jun was grateful by it.
Jun put the towel he used to catch the excess water on Sakurai’s head back to its place. It was used before by Kishibe’s helper when he helped Muro to cool the daimyo down. Sakurai’s condition wasn’t changing much but at least he was still breathing. And Muro, as quietly as he could, kept doing his job tirelessly.
With the silence, Jun thought back about what Matsuoka had requested of him. Jun didn’t know whether he could do it but somehow, for a reason still unknown to him, he found himself not really against it. Matsuoka was indeed very good at making Jun rethinking about his stubbornness. He sighed. As much as he look up on Matsuoka, he really should give the matter a deep thought. He didn’t want to rush into a decision because he was afraid to make a mistake and regretting it later.
Jun was pulled out of his thought when he saw Sakurai’s assistant, Muro with lowered head holding a cold towel towards him with an expectant expression on his face.
“I’m so sorry to ask this of you but Matsumoto-sama, would you help me for a bit? I must change the water to a cleaner one. I won’t be long.”
Jun stared long enough at Muro, his brain suddenly froze. “What do you mean, Muro-san?”
Muro gave him a hesitant smile. “I’m hoping that you could help me to wipe this on Sakurai-sama’s neck and head. Just for a while, I promise!”
Jun gulped, his head turned around the room to find someone else who could do the job on his behalf. But there was no one else beside the three of them. He gave a resigned sigh. By doing it, it meant that he had to touch Sakurai more than he wanted to. Jun was hesitating for a while but Muro was persistent. He kept pushing the wet wipe under Jun’s nose.
Reluctantly, Jun reached out to take the towel into his hand. The excess water slid down his fingers to his arms. Jun shuddered due to its coldness. But even after he got used to the cold, he could see his fingers trembling. He realized that he was nervous. Muro, oblivious to Jun’s apprehension, gave him a grateful smile before he got up, gathering the used water basin with his hand and walked out.
As soon as Jun was left alone with Sakurai, Jun was startled when suddenly a string of loud cough came out from Sakurai. Jun gulped when the coughs didn’t cease but starting to get worse. And then, Sakurai whimpered.
“Wa…ter…” Sakurai suddenly said in between his coughing, wheezing from his chest was starting to get louder.
He stared at the daimyo and tried to call him, but he wasn’t appeared to be woken up yet. Sakurai didn’t even seem to realize he was requesting for water from Jun. Jun went panic. His eyes anxiously darted to the door. Muro was not coming since he just went out and it was only him who was left here. Why Sakurai wanted the water only now that he was alone with this man? Why not before when Muro and the others were still there? Jun felt lost. He didn’t know what to do.
“Wa…ter…” Sakurai pleaded again. Exhaling a breath, Jun looked up and saw the water flask and an empty cup not too far from the place where Muro had been before. Crawling as fast as he could, he grabbed the water flask and pour the water into the cup. When he got back to Sakurai again, he was hesitating. How to make him drink the water? Should he lift him up or let him hold it himself? Another moment of hesitation made Sakurai requesting the water slightly louder than before.
“Here, take it,” Jun said, pushing the water cup to Sakurai. But Sakurai seemed to ignore him. It seemed that he was in a delirious state where he didn’t realize his surrounding besides saying his needs. Sakurai let out more whimpers alternating with more coughs. Jun let out a frustrated sigh because in the end he needed to touch Sakurai. Although he didn’t want to do it but he had to. With a sigh, Jun grabbed Sakurai’s hand to make him hold the cup himself but before the fingers touched the cup, Sakurai’s hand fell limply back on his side. Jun groaned.
Jun brought the cup near Sakurai’s mouth. After Jun coaxed Sakurai to open his mouth he tilted the cup and almost immediately the water spilled out of Sakurai’s mouth when a cough caught him again. Jun put the cup back to the floor. He scratched his head. Sakurai’s vertical position made it harder for him to drink the water properly especially when Sakurai didn’t make the effort to hold the cup himself. With a resigned sigh, Jun thought that there was no other way than to lift Sakurai up.
The cup was filled with water once more. Putting the cup beside him for easier reach, Jun positioned himself closer to Sakurai so he could make Sakurai sit up. With much difficulty, since Sakurai was still in his delirious state, Jun slipped himself behind Sakurai when Sakurai was unable to prop himself up. Sakurai was trembling, probably from the heat. Jun reached the cup and with his arm full of the daimyo putting his weight on Jun’s chest, he was able to feed Sakurai with the water. To ease the remaining cough, Jun subconsciously brought his hand around the man and rubbed Sakurai’s chest in gentle motion. He didn’t give much thought about how weirdly intimate for him to do what he did because it was just an instinctive reaction from him. Subsequently, Jun reached for the wet wipe and dabbed it onto Sakurai’s skin that he could reach including on his neck and its surrounding area, replacing the hot sweat that gathered with the cold towel to cool the man down. Sakurai’s hair was tickling Jun’s nose and Jun swept it away carefully with the wet wipe and finally he left the towel on the head when he was satisfied that he had tried his best to help Sakurai out. Without command, his hands treading Sakurai’s arms that he could reach in light massages. Subsequently, without him realizing, it triggered the memory of what his mother used to do to him when he was sick many years ago and it made tears brimming inside his eyes because the memory made him missed his mother so much.
Jun haphazardly wiped away his tears when he realized that Sakurai had fallen back to sleep on his chest. Jun felt his body burning from the heat that seeped through Sakurai’s body, however the heat wasn’t as intense as before. When Jun tried to move the daimyo, so they could get back to their previous position, Sakurai’s body slipped to Jun’s stomach and refused to budge further down. It made Jun nearly fall back because of Sakurai’s weight but his hand managed to prop him up. And to make matters worse it was the time when Muro came back and saw them in that position.
Muro stopped on his track before he threw him a knowing smile. He carefully put down the fresh water basin onto the floor before he positioned himself in front of Jun, with Sakurai in between them. Jun flushed in embarrassment. No, it wasn’t like what he thought, Jun said to him multiple times but Muro kept having that strange smile on his face. When Jun tried to move away from having Sakurai sleeping on him, Muro-san prevented him from doing so and he pointed to Jun why.
“Sakurai-sama’s breathing seems to be better in this position,” Muro-san remarked, marvelling to himself at the mark changes in Sakurai’s condition. When Jun tried to perk his ears to listen to the breathing, he kind of agree with the assistant’s observation. The heat was still there but Sakurai looked much more comfortable and he was breathing much easier. The flush on Sakurai’s face wasn’t too apparent any longer. Red tinge was coming back to his lips and Muro-san pointed that out to Jun too.
Muro brought his face near Jun in wonder, his eyes staring right at Jun.
“As expected, only your gentle care and affection can make Sakurai-sama feeling much better.”
Jun could only blink at him.
Pairing: Sakumoto (other pairings may be appearing later)
Setting: Early Edo period. Historically incorrect and purely fiction.
Warning: PLEASE READ WARNING ON CHAPTER 1/MASTERPOST
UnBeta-ed in this chapter
Summary: When Jun ended up in a castle.
A/N: Hello there! Hishashiburi! I'm sorry I seem to be neglecting writing this story but unfortunately my brain isn't up to writing lately and it's frustrating because I wanted to write all the scenes in my head but the words won't come out.
I still don't know if anyone is waiting? lol
And to Iven, I'm sorry that I didn't wait for you before posting this chapter. By posting this, now I can stop myself from re-reading and make changes to this chapter and move on to the next one
Chapter 1 >> Chapter 2 >> Chapter 3 >> Chapter 4 >> Chapter 5
>> Chapter 6 >> Chapter 7 >> Chapter 8 >> Chapter 9 >> Chapter 10 >> Chapter 11 >> Chapter 12 >> Chapter 13 >> Chapter 14 >> Chapter 15 >> Chapter 16 >> Chapter 17>> Chapter 18
>> Chapter 19 >> Chapter 20 >> Chapter 21 >> Chapter 22 >> Chapter 23
>> Chapter 24 >> Chapter 25 >> Chapter 26 >> Chapter 27
A single bead of stray water on Sakurai’s temple was caught before it got lost in between Sakurai’s hair strands. Jun clutched the white towel he was holding, withdrawing it from Sakurai’s face. Honestly, he was reluctant to be beside the daimyo but there was nowhere else he could go since they were leaving the daimyo inside Jun’s house for the time being. Inevitably, he was stuck in the task of caring for the sick Sakurai. How? Mostly, the blame fell on Matsuoka-sama. Additionally, the healer seemed to be conspiring against him too. Kishibe’s words to him just now echoed in his ears. “You’re his concubine, aren’t you? It’s best for you to stay here to accompany our daimyo so he won’t get lonely.” Jun still remembered the sneaky little smile that was forming on Kishibe’s mouth when he said that. That sly old man, he just probably wanted to go back to sleep instead of staying up to accompany the daimyo, Jun grumbled under his breath.
All the unwanted excitement made Jun exhausted but unintentionally it left Jun feeling alert much more than before. Not feeling sleepy yet, his eyes darted to Sakurai’s assistant who was sitting opposite him, on the left side of the daimyo. Right now, they were the only one who were left behind to accompany Sakurai, whereas everyone else was sent out of the room by Matsuoka to give some breathing space for the daimyo. The assistant who introduced himself to Jun as Muro was very focused in doing his job in dipping a towel inside a basin of cold water and squeezing out the water back into it before he placed it on Sakurai’s forehead, and then repeated the same cycle of actions every few minutes as the towel lost its coolness.
Jun’s eyes drifted to the sleeping daimyo. The soft glow of the candles placed strategically inside the room provided a decent illumination, nevertheless it wasn’t bright enough to distract Sakurai’s sleep. Now that everything had calmed down, Jun had the time to take a good look at the daimyo. Despite the orangish tinge emitted from the candle that cast throughout the whole room, it didn’t do enough to hide the daimyo’s current condition from his eyes.
Sakurai’s face was a little flushed due to his fever, but his lips were a contrast to his skin. They had lost their usual healthy red tinge Jun used to see on him and were appeared so dry they chapped slightly. Jun remarked the slight trembling on his lower lips, and if he leant in closer, he might hear Sakurai’s teeth clattering like he was drowning in ice when in fact his skin was burning to the touch. His eyebrows were twitching and sometimes drew together, like he was in a very uncomfortable sleep. There was a sheen of sweat covering the surface of the visible skin, especially on his neck that stubbornly re-appeared even though it was regularly wiped away ever so gently by Muro. His breaths appeared laboured and there was audible sound every time his chest going up and down sharply.
Sakurai was indeed in a great discomfort and Jun couldn’t find himself being happy about Sakurai’s suffering. And for the first time ever since knowing Sakurai, a strange feeling akin to sympathy crept inside Jun’s heart.
Seeing the daimyo’s condition, Jun reminded himself that Sakurai was a human being too, just like him. Sakurai wasn’t as invincible as he might’ve perceived him. It’s a fact that human can’t run away from sickness. When it attacks, nobody, not even the most powerful human being on earth will be able to run away from it. It’s part of nature’s work and Jun was very much reminded of it as his mind travelled back to the memory of his and Sakurai’s father who both had succumbed to diseases.
The thought made Jun looked worryingly at Sakurai. As much as Jun wanted Sakurai to suffer from his past action, he didn’t want Sakurai to fall victim to incurable sickness just like their fathers. For reason unknown, Jun didn’t want Sakurai to lose his battle, he wanted Sakurai to continue living. However, he couldn’t shake away the fear that begin to grip him - that Sakurai might not survive the ordeal.
He closed his eyes momentarily, his fingers curled themselves around his arms in half-hug until he felt the pressure digging into his skin. No, Sakurai will be cured. This is temporary. He’s strong after all.
Somehow, he kept chanting those words in his mind like he was persuading himself to believe that, before he stopped to question himself a moment later why he would care so much. But when he turned his eyes to look at Muro, he realised that the daimyo must have meant something to at least someone as he saw how the assistant looked genuinely worried over the daimyo. And Jun realised he didn’t want to wish anything bad to befall Sakurai. He felt bad for even wishing it before.
He averted his eyes away from both the daimyo and his loyal assistant, not wanting to feel worse than he already was. Jun chewed his lower lips when his mind rolled back to what had happened just a while ago.
When Jun found himself being buried underneath Sakurai, at first, he had struggled to get Sakurai off him. After successfully wriggling himself out of the way, he spent the next several minutes just staring at the unconscious daimyo in the darkness. When Jun didn’t get a single response from the daimyo after he poked Sakurai’s arm and cheek multiple times, it was then that he decided to turn panicky. Bringing the lone candle inside the guess chamber to his room in a rush, Jun gasped when he took a closer look at the daimyo. He could gather that Sakurai was ill, but he didn’t know how ill he was. The daimyo looked terrible. No wonder he passed out, he thought at that time.
Jun went to the door to take a peak outside. He thought at least a retainer, or a guard might follow Sakurai here so he could tell him about Sakurai’s condition but he was only met with silence when he opened his front door. So, Sakurai came alone then?
Quickly, Jun strode back inside his room and squatted beside the daimyo. He subconsciously bit his nail wondering what his next course of action should be.
Jun knew that Sakurai needed medical help but for some reason, at this crucial time he couldn’t move his body in fear as sudden unpleasant thought came to him. What would they say when they saw their daimyo like this? Would they think that he is the cause of Sakurai’s sickness? Would they blame him? No, they couldn’t be, Jun shook his head. Yes, he had failed to notice Sakurai’s unusual behaviour until he was inside Jun’s house, but they couldn’t blame him for Sakurai being unconscious.
What if Sakurai died here?
Jun felt fear came to him causing goose bumps ran all over his body. He hugged himself. He remembered questioning Sakurai just now, aggravating his illness that might cause him to die. Then, wouldn’t he be partly guilty? However, he didn’t want to be blamed for killing Sakurai if he died because of that. He’s innocent. But what if they want to find someone to blame and he’s the best candidate because he’s the only one here? Then they’ll catch him and send him for beheading.
Jun gasped. No, he didn’t want to get killed for that!
His wild imaginations kept running through his head repeatedly, causing his fear to escalate. Therefore, Jun didn’t know what he should do even though it was clear that Sakurai isn’t dead yet. The immediate thought that came to him was for him to run. But where? Wouldn’t that make him guiltier? No, running is a bad idea, Jun decided.
Then what should he do?
After pacing around in circles that eventually manage to put some sense back inside his head, Jun suddenly remembered Kishibe-san. Kishibe could treat him, he’s the healer. He could help Sakurai from dying and then nobody will be beheading Jun. But then Jun’s panic returned when he realized that he didn’t know where he lived. The healer might not even live inside the castle.
What to do? What to do?
It made him went for another round of pacing that waste even more time.
In the end, after tossing several options that became much more extreme the more he spent time thinking about them, he decided that he had to tell Sakurai’s retainers, or guards so they could take Sakurai away from his house as soon as possible before anything worse could happen - after he made sure that Sakurai is still alive of course. There was no way that he could keep hiding the unconscious Sakurai inside his house any longer. Even if he knew how to fetch the healer, the healer would eventually tell the others too anyway. After making up his mind, Jun chose to run towards the daimyo’s resident as fast as his feet allowed him to.
Jun met the same guards he had met previously. Even before Jun finished explaining, one of them already told the other to fetch Matsuoka-sama and the healer immediately. Jun waited silently as the guard went inside to tell the others. After that, Jun meekly jogged along with the guard to head to his house. The group beginning to expand as more members of Sakurai’s retainers joining their way to Jun’s house like a marching band. Jun beginning to wonder whether his house could accommodate them at all.
They gasped in unison when they found the daimyo in the exact position Jun left him; faced down on the floor. Eyes were turned to Jun sharply, staring him like hawks, accusing him of making the daimyo like that. Jun turned down his eyes to the ground feeling himself shrinking away. He had expected their reactions, but he didn’t know it would be that strong and it made Jun felt bad and scared. The thought of giving Sakurai a more comfortable position didn’t occur to him before he went to seek help. To be fair to him he was in panic and they should understand that. But of course, who was he to try defending himself in front of Sakurai’s men?
Without further ado, the daimyo was immediately moved to the guest chamber and was put over a futon. At the same time, the house turned brighter than it was during the day as the retainers began to ignite every single candle and lantern they found inside the house. The healer arrived as immediately as he could.
Jun was watching everything on the periphery, not knowing what to do or how to make himself useful. It was like he was a stranger in his own home, just watching helplessly at all the people who were taking over his house. Internally he was thankful that Sakurai didn’t die otherwise he couldn’t imagine their treatment to him now. He might’ve probably been killed already.
A heated debate soon broke out between the retainers who had higher positions than the rest, where half of them was calling for the daimyo to be carried back to his own house which was much comfortable to him, but the other half was very much preferred for Sakurai not to be moved. When Matsuoka arrived - Jun consciously took a hiding behind all the men - he made the decision for them that it was better for the daimyo to rest inside Jun’s house.
As they anxiously watched the healer doing his work and checking up upon Sakurai, Jun silently slipped out of the house, feeling unneeded. He didn’t notice that someone saw him and followed.
“Jun-sama.”
Jun froze hearing the familiar voice. Matsuoka-sama was behind him and approaching him fast. Jun turned panic. Matsuoka-sama was the last person on earth he wanted to talk to and right now he had no idea how to face him. Jun couldn’t help from thinking that Matsuoka must be angry at him about what happened to Sakurai. He was this castle’s second man in charge after all and he was responsible for Sakurai’s well-being. For sure he was angry if anything bad befall on Sakurai, like what was happening right now. Would he blame Jun too, like all those retainers? Besides Jun’s worrying over that, Jun still couldn’t forget his most important issue with Matsuoka too. To think about what Matsuoka-sama currently thought about him was frightening. He had nearly taken his life to get away from the embarrassment and failed, and after that Jun had prayed for him to never see Matsuoka again so he won’t be reminded of his stupid act.
But now, how could he hide himself from him? Jun was wishing the earth could open to swallow him whole. He jerked when he heard Matsuoka calling him again. Jun gulped, wetting his throat that suddenly became parched.
There was no other way than to face the inevitable. If it wasn’t now, they might run into each other again one day anyway. Even with how big this castle was, it still couldn’t hide him from bumping into Matsuoka. After taking several calming breaths, slowly Jun turned around, making sure his head turned down and averting his eyes from looking directly at the man. Jun could already feel Matsuoka’s gaze boring hole onto him as Matsuoka approached him nearer.
“Where are you going? Aren’t you going to stay beside our daimyo?” Asked Matsuoka gently. The tender tone startled Jun a little. He took a step back because suddenly he realized that Matsuoka was too close to him.
“I… I’ll let more qualified person be beside him. I’ll just get in the way…it’s better if I…” Jun trailed, couldn’t finish his words because Matsuoka interrupted him with a chuckle.
“What are you taking about? At the time like this he needs you more than anyone.”
No, he’s wrong.
“But Kishibe-san is already there. He’s needed more than me.”
“He’s the healer, yes, but you’re a much-qualified person to be beside him too. I’m sure you’re the first person he wants to see when he opens his eyes.”
What is he talking about?
“I know next to nothing about medicine or healing people. I’m not even qualified as his assistant…” Jun responded, eyes staring at the ground.
“I didn’t ask you to be his healer nor his assistant. But you’ve every right to be there. An affectionate care from someone he loves is much more appreciated than someone whom he’s not, right?”
Jun looked up, startled. “… Someone he loves? … I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying… and I don’t know whether that’s true...” Matsuoka’s words were a bit surprising to him. Jun clearly doubted what Matsuoka was telling was true. After all, what connected him and Sakurai wasn’t love. It was him being at the most unfortunate event in his life and Sakurai being stupid.
“You don’t believe me?” Matsuoka asked, his face dropped. Jun heard the slight hurt in Matsuoka’s voice that he wanted to convince himself he was surely misheard. Instantly Jun felt unease. He inadvertently looked up the man’s eyes.
To Jun, Matsuoka always possessed warmth inside his eyes, despite the tough and manly exterior, and the slightly scary aura due to his frame and height, and his voice. And now Jun clearly saw the look of hurt behind the warm eyes and he felt genuinely bad.
His distrust and his insecurity had made Matsuoka feeling hurt. How could he be alluding that Matsuoka was being untruthful? Matsuoka was anything but a liar.
Jun was suddenly being reminded by the memory of Sakurai singing praises about Matsuoka, how loyal and truthful to Sakurai he was, and how Matsuoka was the one to make Sakurai saw what he had done.
But on the other hand, he reminded himself too that Matsuoka knew about his humiliation on the hand of Sakurai, and Jun couldn’t forget about that part either.
However, he couldn’t keep himself from going on a circle and hating him for that when Sakurai himself assured him that Matsuoka was not involved. He shouldn’t include Matsuoka in his self-hate too. Matsuoka-sama was too respectful and decent to be categorised as a bad person in his book.
A respectable person who shouldn’t be talking to a sullied person like him.
“I…”
Unwanted emotions overwhelmed him suddenly. Jun felt like crying. His eyes drop to the ground again to hide the tears that started to well.
Jun jerked up when he felt a piece of cloth being dapped onto his cheek, catching his tears from falling. He turned up to see Matsuoka was smiling down at him. Jun’s fingers wrapped around the handkerchief and dabbed the rest of the tears dry. Jun couldn’t help from feeling rather shameful about crying in front of Matsuoka but he couldn’t help himself.
“Don’t punish yourself. Whoever you are before, left it behind.” It was like Matsuoka could read exactly what was playing inside Jun’s mind because the advice had hit the major point. The advice made sense and in some way it sounded comforting to him and Jun suddenly felt like opening up, like he wanted to freely pour every doubt and worry to him.
“But, what happened before was humiliating… It’ll always lingers behind me like a shadow and I can’t help but think about how you and everybody else view me after what happened… I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, talking to you…”
So, there. Now Matsuoka knew what had been bothering him and somehow Jun felt the burden inside him that had made Jun avoiding the man before beginning to ease.
Matsuoka shook his head. “Never, Jun-sama. I will never view you differently from the person I saved from Manabe at that corridor. To me, you’re still the same young, innocent, polite man just like when I first met you.”
Jun blinked. He wanted to easily accept Matsuoka’s words, but his doubt still lingered. “Matsuoka-sama, things had changed greatly since then…”
“It is true. I won’t normalize what had happened. It was a grave mistake on our daimyo’s part and he was regretting everything. I won’t ask you to forgive him right now because it must come from your heart.”
Jun look down on his chest when Matsuoka-sama made a gesture with his finger, pointing at where Jun’s heart was supposed to be.
“But it’s hard…” Jun mumbled out.
“I won’t say that it’ll be easy. If you want it, with enough effort you’ll achieve it. In the end, you are what you want to be.”
They let themselves being engulfed by a moment of silence while Matsuoka let Jun pondered on what he had said.
Jun took a breath. Matsuoka-sama was right, thought Jun. He couldn’t stay angry forever.
“I’ll try…”
“Good.” Matsuoka answered with a relieved smile.
They let silence consuming them again. This time Jun felt much lighter. However, he immediately sensed awkwardness when the silence went a little longer than he wanted. Jun was contemplating to say something but before he does anything, Jun heard a slight clearance of throat.
“Jun-sama, I hope you’re not interpreting me wrongly. Actually…”
Matsuoka sounded a little hesitant and it made Jun confused for a while because it was uncommon to hear Matsuoka far from being his usual confident self.
“Actually, I’ve a request that I would like to ask of you… or at least for you to consider it. Would you be willing to listen?”
Even through his confusion, Jun nodded his head to allow Matsuoka to elaborate further because to be honest Jun was curious what Matsuoka might be requesting from him.
“I would like to ask you to give him a chance to love you.”
Jun stared at him for a while before both of his eyes narrowed. To say that this wasn’t expected was a slight exaggeration, but Jun still didn’t think that Matsuoka would choose to ask this from him directly. Now that Jun thought further, this wasn’t the first time the man asked or more accurately hinted for him to give Sakurai a chance, every time he met Matsuoka-sama the topic would always be part of their conversations; subtly or not.
“Why should I?” Jun asked a little rougher than he intended, body tensing. He stepped back a little, putting a slight distance as his subconscious mind started putting up walls as defence.
Matsuoka-sama seemed to be sensing that Jun was beginning to close off, so he stepped a foot back to put enough space as to not to suffocate Jun. “Because you deserve to be happy. As simple as that.”
Jun looked at him blankly. He wasn’t suggesting it for Sakurai’s sake but for him? The surprise made his edginess shrivelling down a little.
“I… I don’t think I need that…“
“You are. After all that happened to you, you deserve everything in this world can give you. Especially love.”
“What makes you think that I’ll become happier by loving Sakurai-sama?”
“Everything in the world can be righted with love,” said Matsuoka matter-of-factly.
Such an easy statement to make. It made Jun snorted unintentionally. He nearly laughed at the man face. He never thought that Matsuoka, whom he thought was a highly-educated man could possess such a simple mind.
“Are you seriously thinking that?” Jun asked unbelievably.
Matsuoka turned sheepish. “Well, I’ve to be honest with you that it’s indeed a romantic thought, but it’s a pleasant thought all the same. Wouldn’t we want to live in the ideal world where nothing can go wrong with love?”
Jun sighed in annoyance. “This is not an ideal world. He’s not in love with me. And why would I love him anyway?”
“Because you’re his partner now. Make him realize that he loves you too. You both need each other to heal.” Again, Matsuoka-sama seemed to be treating this complicated matter as a simple problem.
Jun frowned deeply. Heal each other? It’s not easy! Besides why it is his task to make Sakurai love him? He doesn’t even want that!
“My wound is invincible. I don’t think it can be healed anytime soon…” Jun mumbled, his mouth forming a slight pout. He felt hurt that Matsuoka seemed to be treating the matter between him and Sakurai so lightly.
Matsuoka-sama clearly heard the mumbling because he said the following to Jun. “You can heal it faster if you forgive yourself and the lord too…”
Jun sighed again. “You’re talking about this ideal world, about love, but don’t you see the flaw here?” Matsuoka-sama quirked his eyebrows, not understanding what Jun meant.
“I’m just a servant-“
“Was.” Matsuoka-sama corrected him immediately.
Jun continued “-was a servant and I can’t be amongst you all and the lord. I don’t belong here…”
Matsuoka-sama gave him a soothing look. “You’ve every right to be here as much as the lord belonged to be a daimyo,” he said.
“And besides, who here in this world has no flaw? No one.” Matsuoka added.
Matsuoka put his hand on Jun’s shoulder. Jun’s eyes flitted to the hand a little before they went back up to meet with Matsuoka’s eyes.
“Remember that you’re now our daimyo’s partner. His concubine. His love. His equal. Stop putting yourself down. I don’t see you other than a person who deserves to be treated fairly. You’re a special person.”
Jun frowned. “Special? I’m just a regular-“
“No, you’re indeed special. To Sakurai-sama, to us, to this castle. Don’t you know that you’re the first male concubine ever being appointed into the Sakurai family in over one hundred and fifty years?”
Jun felt his eyes bulged out of his socket. He didn’t know that.
“Don’t look so shock.” Matsuoka chuckled good-naturedly until both his shoulders shook along with the laughter.
Jun tried to recover from his shock. “Then why I’m being kept a secret?” He uttered the question instantly because that question had been lingering on his mind since the union ceremony.
The man gave him a restrain smile. “Sakurai-sama has a valid reason for that,” Matsuoka-sama answered without actually giving an answer.
“What’s the reason, then?” Jun asked further. He was really curious and suspicious. He couldn’t help that there was something important Matsuoka was not telling him.
Matsuoka shook his head indicating that he won’t say anything further.
“Why aren’t you telling me?” Jun prodded more, he was not satisfied that Matsuoka was clearly dodging his direct and simple question.
Matsuoka chuckled good naturedly. “You’re so persistent, I’ve to admit that.”
Jun pouted. Why was it so hard to give him a straight answer? What was so secretive about it?
“You’re alluding something so of course I want to know more since this concerns me,” Jun said sulkily.
“Only Sakurai-sama can give you the answer to that question. Perhaps he is in the opinion that it’s nothing worth to be troubled about. So, don’t think too hard over it, since you’ll always be safe inside the castle anyway.” Matsuoka-sama said back in a reassuring tone but Jun wasn’t convinced. Matsuoka knew but refused to say more to him.
“Quit frowning. Sakurai-sama will not like it if you made this ugly face in front of him.”
Jun’s frown turned into a scowl. To Jun’s non-amusement it made Matsuoka-sama chuckled pleasantly.
“I’m sorry, I was just teasing you. Whatever face you make still makes you beautiful.”
Jun was still angry but he began to feel himself blushing so mad upon hearing the words. The glint on Matsuoka’s eyes made Jun ducked his head down, feeling shy all of the sudden.
Matsuoka clearly had a charming tongue.
“It’s good that you aren’t tense around me anymore.” The words made Jun looked up, jerking himself away from his thought.
Matsuoka was right, he realized, now that he thought about it clearly. The tension had left him. It was all Matsuoka’s doing. What did he say about Matsuoka having certain charm?
Now that he was at ease with the man, he didn’t feel like hiding from him any longer. The smile on Matsuoka’s face was inviting. Subsequently, Jun felt like smiling too.
“Good, keep that smile when Sakurai-sama wakes up. It’ll probably heal him in an instance.” Matsuoka-sama gave a cheerful chuckle and Jun didn’t realize that he had hit Matsuoka’s chest playfully for teasing him. He gasped when he realized that, but the brief tension abated in an instance when Matsuoka didn’t look too bothered by it.
Jun thought how amazing Matsuoka is. Jun marvelled at how easy Matsuoka dealt with Jun’s emotional thoughts, how easy Matsuoka’s manoeuvring Jun from being overly negative to somewhere where Jun felt at ease, even a little bit. Furthermore, the thought that Matsuoka, being skilfully interfering with his love life wasn’t bothering him that much anymore. Whatever worry Jun have on Matsuoka, everything crumbling down with this short talk. Jun realized that Matsuoka never looked down on him even during that darkest time in his life. Matsuoka-sama saw him as a human being that deserve the same respect and treatment as anyone else. And for this, his respect towards the castle’s most highly positioned man after the daimyo was increasing tenfold. No wonder he is in the position he is now, Jun thought in amazement.
In the end, Jun was feeling so thankful that this talk was happening.
Matsuoka steered Jun inside the house after their talk finished. Jun found himself sitting beside the sleeping daimyo after things had calmed down and the daimyo was safely tucked under the thick duvet. Kishibe had explained to everyone that he had given Sakurai a potent medicine for his decongestion that was causing the drowsiness, partly the reason why the daimyo passed out. Kishibe also said that Sakurai wasn’t supposed to be out of his bed after taking it. Immediately, Jun had felt the eyes of the retainers fallen on him once again, they were like accusing him for luring Sakurai out. Jun pouted heavily before Matsuoka told them off for even thinking of accusing Jun. Jun was so grateful for the defence.
The lack of people inside the room after they were driven away by Matsuoka gave Jun a much breathing space. The air inside the room felt warm. Someone had positioned a brazier heater inside the room out of everyone’s way but still enough distance to provide some heat into the cold night. The high-grade charcoal didn’t produce smoke or smell in which Jun was grateful by it.
Jun put the towel he used to catch the excess water on Sakurai’s head back to its place. It was used before by Kishibe’s helper when he helped Muro to cool the daimyo down. Sakurai’s condition wasn’t changing much but at least he was still breathing. And Muro, as quietly as he could, kept doing his job tirelessly.
With the silence, Jun thought back about what Matsuoka had requested of him. Jun didn’t know whether he could do it but somehow, for a reason still unknown to him, he found himself not really against it. Matsuoka was indeed very good at making Jun rethinking about his stubbornness. He sighed. As much as he look up on Matsuoka, he really should give the matter a deep thought. He didn’t want to rush into a decision because he was afraid to make a mistake and regretting it later.
Jun was pulled out of his thought when he saw Sakurai’s assistant, Muro with lowered head holding a cold towel towards him with an expectant expression on his face.
“I’m so sorry to ask this of you but Matsumoto-sama, would you help me for a bit? I must change the water to a cleaner one. I won’t be long.”
Jun stared long enough at Muro, his brain suddenly froze. “What do you mean, Muro-san?”
Muro gave him a hesitant smile. “I’m hoping that you could help me to wipe this on Sakurai-sama’s neck and head. Just for a while, I promise!”
Jun gulped, his head turned around the room to find someone else who could do the job on his behalf. But there was no one else beside the three of them. He gave a resigned sigh. By doing it, it meant that he had to touch Sakurai more than he wanted to. Jun was hesitating for a while but Muro was persistent. He kept pushing the wet wipe under Jun’s nose.
Reluctantly, Jun reached out to take the towel into his hand. The excess water slid down his fingers to his arms. Jun shuddered due to its coldness. But even after he got used to the cold, he could see his fingers trembling. He realized that he was nervous. Muro, oblivious to Jun’s apprehension, gave him a grateful smile before he got up, gathering the used water basin with his hand and walked out.
As soon as Jun was left alone with Sakurai, Jun was startled when suddenly a string of loud cough came out from Sakurai. Jun gulped when the coughs didn’t cease but starting to get worse. And then, Sakurai whimpered.
“Wa…ter…” Sakurai suddenly said in between his coughing, wheezing from his chest was starting to get louder.
He stared at the daimyo and tried to call him, but he wasn’t appeared to be woken up yet. Sakurai didn’t even seem to realize he was requesting for water from Jun. Jun went panic. His eyes anxiously darted to the door. Muro was not coming since he just went out and it was only him who was left here. Why Sakurai wanted the water only now that he was alone with this man? Why not before when Muro and the others were still there? Jun felt lost. He didn’t know what to do.
“Wa…ter…” Sakurai pleaded again. Exhaling a breath, Jun looked up and saw the water flask and an empty cup not too far from the place where Muro had been before. Crawling as fast as he could, he grabbed the water flask and pour the water into the cup. When he got back to Sakurai again, he was hesitating. How to make him drink the water? Should he lift him up or let him hold it himself? Another moment of hesitation made Sakurai requesting the water slightly louder than before.
“Here, take it,” Jun said, pushing the water cup to Sakurai. But Sakurai seemed to ignore him. It seemed that he was in a delirious state where he didn’t realize his surrounding besides saying his needs. Sakurai let out more whimpers alternating with more coughs. Jun let out a frustrated sigh because in the end he needed to touch Sakurai. Although he didn’t want to do it but he had to. With a sigh, Jun grabbed Sakurai’s hand to make him hold the cup himself but before the fingers touched the cup, Sakurai’s hand fell limply back on his side. Jun groaned.
Jun brought the cup near Sakurai’s mouth. After Jun coaxed Sakurai to open his mouth he tilted the cup and almost immediately the water spilled out of Sakurai’s mouth when a cough caught him again. Jun put the cup back to the floor. He scratched his head. Sakurai’s vertical position made it harder for him to drink the water properly especially when Sakurai didn’t make the effort to hold the cup himself. With a resigned sigh, Jun thought that there was no other way than to lift Sakurai up.
The cup was filled with water once more. Putting the cup beside him for easier reach, Jun positioned himself closer to Sakurai so he could make Sakurai sit up. With much difficulty, since Sakurai was still in his delirious state, Jun slipped himself behind Sakurai when Sakurai was unable to prop himself up. Sakurai was trembling, probably from the heat. Jun reached the cup and with his arm full of the daimyo putting his weight on Jun’s chest, he was able to feed Sakurai with the water. To ease the remaining cough, Jun subconsciously brought his hand around the man and rubbed Sakurai’s chest in gentle motion. He didn’t give much thought about how weirdly intimate for him to do what he did because it was just an instinctive reaction from him. Subsequently, Jun reached for the wet wipe and dabbed it onto Sakurai’s skin that he could reach including on his neck and its surrounding area, replacing the hot sweat that gathered with the cold towel to cool the man down. Sakurai’s hair was tickling Jun’s nose and Jun swept it away carefully with the wet wipe and finally he left the towel on the head when he was satisfied that he had tried his best to help Sakurai out. Without command, his hands treading Sakurai’s arms that he could reach in light massages. Subsequently, without him realizing, it triggered the memory of what his mother used to do to him when he was sick many years ago and it made tears brimming inside his eyes because the memory made him missed his mother so much.
Jun haphazardly wiped away his tears when he realized that Sakurai had fallen back to sleep on his chest. Jun felt his body burning from the heat that seeped through Sakurai’s body, however the heat wasn’t as intense as before. When Jun tried to move the daimyo, so they could get back to their previous position, Sakurai’s body slipped to Jun’s stomach and refused to budge further down. It made Jun nearly fall back because of Sakurai’s weight but his hand managed to prop him up. And to make matters worse it was the time when Muro came back and saw them in that position.
Muro stopped on his track before he threw him a knowing smile. He carefully put down the fresh water basin onto the floor before he positioned himself in front of Jun, with Sakurai in between them. Jun flushed in embarrassment. No, it wasn’t like what he thought, Jun said to him multiple times but Muro kept having that strange smile on his face. When Jun tried to move away from having Sakurai sleeping on him, Muro-san prevented him from doing so and he pointed to Jun why.
“Sakurai-sama’s breathing seems to be better in this position,” Muro-san remarked, marvelling to himself at the mark changes in Sakurai’s condition. When Jun tried to perk his ears to listen to the breathing, he kind of agree with the assistant’s observation. The heat was still there but Sakurai looked much more comfortable and he was breathing much easier. The flush on Sakurai’s face wasn’t too apparent any longer. Red tinge was coming back to his lips and Muro-san pointed that out to Jun too.
Muro brought his face near Jun in wonder, his eyes staring right at Jun.
“As expected, only your gentle care and affection can make Sakurai-sama feeling much better.”
Jun could only blink at him.