My LiveJournal is 10 years old.
For all that is worth writing in 2020, a Livejournal entry is long overdue. I just recently started visiting LJ semi-regularly again, after changing the header of this journal and modifying the profile page and the sidebar. Working from home made me conscious of my internet habits and encouraged me to revamp my sites and blogs. I am actually active on Tumblr again; albeit with a new name and look, the former being changed to the name of our new puppy... and that change is personally symbolic as I never thought I'd ditch addictdesu in the most anti-climactic way possible.
It's a gradual process. Feels like the time spent in building up these blogs was swifter than the days that went by without visiting them;
exactly the same way in fandom. I was supposed to celebrate my 10th year of being a NEWS fan in June. But I didn't know if it meant anything to celebrate anymore when the last two years I've been just out of the loop, so bad that everything seemed like a distant memory. Certainly, recent events surrounding the fandom exacerbated that feeling.
And we start with this one. Damn, look at all my tags, and Tegoshi Yuya is the most prominent. Read just one of those Tegoshi posts and you'd instantly see the dedication I've had for this guy. Shamelessly, I've always put him above NEWS, although my love for NEWS was also formidably strong.
The reason I took a break from fangirling was detailed in my previous entry, hence, I will not explain the "why" of it. Not turning a blind eye to the possibility that I'll eventually be estranged from the fandom, the question for me was when and how to get back. When I landed a job, I thought, "Oh cool, I reached my main goal irl, I can now return to fandom!"; but I put it off until the end of probation period in the office. That period was also around the time NEWS celebrated their 16th anniversary and NYUSU.ph with their 10th (again, previous entry) in a fan-held party I was able to attend. It should be easier, then, to get back, since I finally even had physical presence and communication with fellow fans, binged 2 NEWS concerts in a day, and felt genuinely free after months of being stuck in self-loathing and unemployment pressures.
Gratifying at best, but I didn't know why--it did not get the gears going. I was mostly in a nostalgia state; the reminiscing of the good old days seemed to be more appealing than actually looking forward to the more recent stuff. Time passed, I kept on postponing, kept on making plans on "when" and "how" to return. I'll do it once STORY comes out--didn't happen. I actually delayed listening to the album, and when I came around to it, it was only half-hearted. Right now I can only recall four tracks. But this one, for sure: I'll return once Tegomass comes back. I became certain of this promise. I miss the duo so, so bad, I would have taken any new release in a heartbeat. It also helped that I've always seen them as a musical unit rather than idols, so in a sense there's less emotional 'obligation' for, an example, a new fan, or a fan that has just come back from hiatus.
For the time being, I got occasional updates on NEWS, on Tegoshi, and on Johnny's. Obviously it was not enough to understand everything that's been leading to the events of Tegoshi's suspension and eventual exit from the group.
Wait.
Dear LJ, it hurts to recall, especially this late... but I never had the willpower to make an entry about it, until, unironically, discovering that today is my 10th year on this site. Tegoshi withdrew from NEWS and left Johnny's in June 19 this year. And I honestly still can't come to terms with it.
Because one: Until now, I'm uncertain of my opinion of the whole debacle. The night the news broke out, needless to say I was in utter shock. Somehow I managed to make a post on Facebook containing my initial trainwreck of thoughts and ended it with a positive note that's directed to the remaining members and to fellow fans. But after that? The confusion just got worse. Tegoshi immediately became active in social media, held a presscon to explain himself and continuously worked to keep himself relevant by getting small projects on the side. He also released a tell-all book. NEWS, meanwhile, took a little more time to make a public apology; the remaining members slowly but steadily keeping themselves busy to keep the group afloat. They now have a new song as a 3-member group.
That is just a basic summary of the aftermath (apologies if I missed a major news or event). When majority has probably moved on or moved forward, whether with 3-nin or Tegoshi or 3-nin plus Tegoshi, I am still at a crossroads. I've seen the side of Tegoshi--I don't know if I still want to believe him. I have seen the side of the fans who couldn't accept what he's done--I don't know if it's still reasonable to take their camp. I haven't seen most of NEWS' activities since--and I don't know if I still want to.
Because two: I have lost, I don't know if permanently or temporarily, my emotional connection to NEWS. It is not easy to say it. Typing this entry has got me shedding some tears *seriously*. But this is why I said earlier that it’s a gradual process. Turning my attention to varied interests outside of my fangirling bubble and being in control of my life had a hand in an eventual change of opinion on my fangirl lifestyle, that, in effect, affected how I saw Tegoshi. The idealism lost, bit by bit, and I started to see that many of the things I defended him for were the things I would consider unhealthy, from the outside looking in.
I love NEWS, but Tegoshi has been a big part of it. I want them to succeed, prove to everybody (and even to me!) that they can reinvent themselves and reach greater heights that former members may even be envious about. However, I can’t see myself too involved with them anymore.
I feel like I also owe every fandom friend I’ve had with an apology. Sorry for taking a break AND not contacting anyone, and sorry for returning from break just to say I’m quitting. It’s fcking like Tegoshi’s situation in a sense. Got a suspension, and boy, did it go to a full-blown resignation! I’m sorry for not standing my ground and have a firm opinion about things. I’m still hurting. At the same time, I feel nothing.
Regarding the future of this journal, it’s found on the sidebar. "Keeping this LJ for keeps." There's a part of me that wants to continue making entries, but what's the point? No matter how many fandoms I introduced before, it would always come back to NEWS. Whether in the form of punchlines, inserting Tegoshi's name in every chance I could get, and relating everything to the group, their lyrics, their music, their member-ai, their history, it was always in their honor. I mean I wouldn’t wanna transform this into a purely personal blog. I think it’s also disrespectful to theme this journal with whatever fandom/s I have at the moment. Not a guarantee that I’ll never post again, and so if it happens, bet it would include NEWS one way or another.
To commemorate my 10th year in LJ, I’m ending this with some journal trivia:
It's a gradual process. Feels like the time spent in building up these blogs was swifter than the days that went by without visiting them;
exactly the same way in fandom. I was supposed to celebrate my 10th year of being a NEWS fan in June. But I didn't know if it meant anything to celebrate anymore when the last two years I've been just out of the loop, so bad that everything seemed like a distant memory. Certainly, recent events surrounding the fandom exacerbated that feeling.
And we start with this one. Damn, look at all my tags, and Tegoshi Yuya is the most prominent. Read just one of those Tegoshi posts and you'd instantly see the dedication I've had for this guy. Shamelessly, I've always put him above NEWS, although my love for NEWS was also formidably strong.
The reason I took a break from fangirling was detailed in my previous entry, hence, I will not explain the "why" of it. Not turning a blind eye to the possibility that I'll eventually be estranged from the fandom, the question for me was when and how to get back. When I landed a job, I thought, "Oh cool, I reached my main goal irl, I can now return to fandom!"; but I put it off until the end of probation period in the office. That period was also around the time NEWS celebrated their 16th anniversary and NYUSU.ph with their 10th (again, previous entry) in a fan-held party I was able to attend. It should be easier, then, to get back, since I finally even had physical presence and communication with fellow fans, binged 2 NEWS concerts in a day, and felt genuinely free after months of being stuck in self-loathing and unemployment pressures.
Gratifying at best, but I didn't know why--it did not get the gears going. I was mostly in a nostalgia state; the reminiscing of the good old days seemed to be more appealing than actually looking forward to the more recent stuff. Time passed, I kept on postponing, kept on making plans on "when" and "how" to return. I'll do it once STORY comes out--didn't happen. I actually delayed listening to the album, and when I came around to it, it was only half-hearted. Right now I can only recall four tracks. But this one, for sure: I'll return once Tegomass comes back. I became certain of this promise. I miss the duo so, so bad, I would have taken any new release in a heartbeat. It also helped that I've always seen them as a musical unit rather than idols, so in a sense there's less emotional 'obligation' for, an example, a new fan, or a fan that has just come back from hiatus.
For the time being, I got occasional updates on NEWS, on Tegoshi, and on Johnny's. Obviously it was not enough to understand everything that's been leading to the events of Tegoshi's suspension and eventual exit from the group.
Wait.
Dear LJ, it hurts to recall, especially this late... but I never had the willpower to make an entry about it, until, unironically, discovering that today is my 10th year on this site. Tegoshi withdrew from NEWS and left Johnny's in June 19 this year. And I honestly still can't come to terms with it.
Because one: Until now, I'm uncertain of my opinion of the whole debacle. The night the news broke out, needless to say I was in utter shock. Somehow I managed to make a post on Facebook containing my initial trainwreck of thoughts and ended it with a positive note that's directed to the remaining members and to fellow fans. But after that? The confusion just got worse. Tegoshi immediately became active in social media, held a presscon to explain himself and continuously worked to keep himself relevant by getting small projects on the side. He also released a tell-all book. NEWS, meanwhile, took a little more time to make a public apology; the remaining members slowly but steadily keeping themselves busy to keep the group afloat. They now have a new song as a 3-member group.
That is just a basic summary of the aftermath (apologies if I missed a major news or event). When majority has probably moved on or moved forward, whether with 3-nin or Tegoshi or 3-nin plus Tegoshi, I am still at a crossroads. I've seen the side of Tegoshi--I don't know if I still want to believe him. I have seen the side of the fans who couldn't accept what he's done--I don't know if it's still reasonable to take their camp. I haven't seen most of NEWS' activities since--and I don't know if I still want to.
Because two: I have lost, I don't know if permanently or temporarily, my emotional connection to NEWS. It is not easy to say it. Typing this entry has got me shedding some tears *seriously*. But this is why I said earlier that it’s a gradual process. Turning my attention to varied interests outside of my fangirling bubble and being in control of my life had a hand in an eventual change of opinion on my fangirl lifestyle, that, in effect, affected how I saw Tegoshi. The idealism lost, bit by bit, and I started to see that many of the things I defended him for were the things I would consider unhealthy, from the outside looking in.
I love NEWS, but Tegoshi has been a big part of it. I want them to succeed, prove to everybody (and even to me!) that they can reinvent themselves and reach greater heights that former members may even be envious about. However, I can’t see myself too involved with them anymore.
I feel like I also owe every fandom friend I’ve had with an apology. Sorry for taking a break AND not contacting anyone, and sorry for returning from break just to say I’m quitting. It’s fcking like Tegoshi’s situation in a sense. Got a suspension, and boy, did it go to a full-blown resignation! I’m sorry for not standing my ground and have a firm opinion about things. I’m still hurting. At the same time, I feel nothing.
Regarding the future of this journal, it’s found on the sidebar. "Keeping this LJ for keeps." There's a part of me that wants to continue making entries, but what's the point? No matter how many fandoms I introduced before, it would always come back to NEWS. Whether in the form of punchlines, inserting Tegoshi's name in every chance I could get, and relating everything to the group, their lyrics, their music, their member-ai, their history, it was always in their honor. I mean I wouldn’t wanna transform this into a purely personal blog. I think it’s also disrespectful to theme this journal with whatever fandom/s I have at the moment. Not a guarantee that I’ll never post again, and so if it happens, bet it would include NEWS one way or another.
To commemorate my 10th year in LJ, I’m ending this with some journal trivia:
- I have a total of 194 posts, including this entry. (Not a lot for 10 years ><)
- Even though I opened this journal in 2010, I didn’t know how to use it until late 2012.
- The name leitoph is an amalgam of my name and Toph Bei Fong (a character in Avatar The Last Airbender)… I have definitely mentioned this in my intros xD
- In my 117 tags, 93 posts have the NEWS tag (including this entry), surprisingly higher than the Tegoshi tag with 79 posts.
- The Massu tag has 50 posts, tied with Shige’s. Koyama’s has 49. *wut*
- As much as my favorite fan activity was doing photo edits, I only attempted to create LJ icon sets twice. One set for NEWS and one for KARA.
- I also keep a lot of private entries. Most are unfinished tribute posts and smut fics lol
- I once made an entry about leaving the fandom in the future. Just thought it’s nice to give it a lookback.