sometimes you lose yourself

[leipeipei]

Last three days have been interesting to say the least. I was told by my oral surgeon to take it easy for at least a week, but I've done the complete opposite. I don't think my surgeon would approve of any of the things I've done :| Oh, well

Comments

[anonymous]

Never ever have I told anyone this, but back at the end of January/beginning of February (around Super Bowl time) I felt seriously suicidal for the first time in my life. Not just the innocent curiosity of wondering why people would commit the act or how people would react if I was suddenly gone. I was suicidal in that I didn't want to live anymore. I had never felt so helpless and lost and alone in my entire life. I don't know if it was a bad mix of hormones and/or sibling actions, but I sobbed and sobbed that day because I never thought I would ever feel that way. I didn't know what to do. I felt so useless and directionless and I felt like I had nothing and nobody who cared about me that made me want to stay alive. I had no goals and no certainties in life for which I could strive. And it was such a strange feeling to feel that way and to know how others in my situation might have felt when dealing with the same thought.

When spring semester started I felt so emotionally isolated from everyone because I knew what heavy emotions I had gone through and I felt like I was deceiving everyone into making them believe there was nothing wrong with my life. I couldn't muster the personality, even, to wear colors; for several weeks all I wore were neutrals: greys and browns and blacks. And I hardly ever wear a neutral palette so I was paranoid that someone would notice my abrupt style change.

Now, all I can say is that I hope I never experience anything like that ever again. It is one of the most painful things I've gone through and I don't even know why it happened. I don't want to feel so lost and directionless and looked over ever ever again.