Been a while...

[leili]

I have been feeling down lately. More and more sad everyday. I feel lost for some reason. I am confused about so many things these days. I am lonely too. I think Friday was a breaking point and a realization for me. When I was younger, well hell, still to this day, my mother has put a lot of how she feels about me by how I look. I am not skinny, i am overweight. I swore to myself that no one would make me feel bad about my weight ever again when I left California. Well someone did or should I say two someones did. I knew being in the dancing world would bring a lot of attention to body image but i thought most of these people are adults, they won't overstep. Maybe they didn't mean to but still, I was made to feel bad about myself. It hurt and made me cry. The first situation was a while ago and while i said that it did not bother me, it did. Someone that I did not know very well approached a friend of mine and asked her about my eating habits that he noticed and also commented about my weight. she told me about it and then nothing more was said. i then went to lunch with said person a couple weeks later and he focused a lot of our conversation at lunch on it. I know it was concern but it was wrong. He did not know me nor did i know him very well. the second situation was at a party at a dance friends house. there were a bunch of us there and the majority were drinking including the host. i had been sitting on the couch but someone took my seat so i went and sat on the foot stool for a nice reclining chair. the host looked at me and said you can't sit there, it might break, it is not meant to be sat on but the sad thing is everyone else had been sitting on it throughout the entire party. So back to my breaking point... friday... it was birthday friday... i had not eaten so i decided to have a peice of cake and i felt guilty then i got to looking around and realized how thin and nice everyone looked and i felt even worse... so i left. I actually cried all the way home and then cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am tired of being overweight. I think i am going to stop going for a while. I feel out of place lately and just need something different. I need to find a new set of friends and find a new hobby for a while. I need to step back and reaccess why i am dancing and what makes me happy about it. I can't make the happy face anymore so I need to figure out why.

I am noticing more and more that people just don't seem to call me to do things with them and when I call them, they are too busy or just don't want to do it. I know I am busy and only have a very limited amount of time to do things but you would think they would want to hang out on a saturday night or sunday evening especially when asked in advance. Maybe it is because everyone is pairing up and i am just the single girl? or their relationship is new? maybe it is summer time. I think i am a nice person, compassionate, happy go lucky(most of the time), I thought my friends like to be around me. I don't know but i do know i need to make some new friends, maybe some who actually live closer to me and who are single? maybe it is me and i am being silly? or maybe i am the one who isn't a good friend?

sad enough for now... maybe write more later....