The Everthere
I'm not allowing myself to experience the compliments or attention I'm extended because I seem to believe, somewhere deep down below, that if I accept any of it I won't know how to be open to criticism anymore, that I'll get a big head and that I will come across as self-centred and righteous.
I am not allowing myself to let go and embrace the goodness that comes my way because I am afraid I will get hurt once more, weighed down with the weight of human existence, human needs, human desires, human games, human humanness...
I am not allowing myself to demand for more as I can't see why I would have the right to demand more than what Life grants me as it is. I mean, hey, who do I think I am, eh?
It's amazing to come face to face with the borders of my sanity, feeling the slippery slope beneath my feet, that path that leads to a world within millions of worlds closed in on themselves.
My whole inner world swings from one end to the next, sometimes glimpsing bits and bouts of that Light I have cultivated for the past years, yet most of the time spending my woken moments in a thick fog of doubt and uncertainty.
The sunshine pierces through, momentarily, as the blue sky covers my whole being with quietude; the sun-kissed autumn leaves shine bright, the air smells of pending hibernation and the warmth of kindness stretches itself around my fingers.
The Light shines through as kindness pours itself onto myself through a shared thought, a shared poem, a shared care, an extended kindness that squeezes tears out my Being.
But the swing swings back, into the depths of shyness and weakness.
I lose myself in the expectations of performance I place upon myself, in the flawlessness I demand of my flawed Self, in the requirements I will never be able to fulfil. I let myself fall into a world I thought I'd left behind ages ago. I let myself drown. I swim aimlessly, heading straight down, deeper into the depth of the darkness that fills the depths of my void Self.
Where did I go?
Where did that carefree me go?
When did I abandon that child to all the adult fears I worked so hard to break free from?
When did I embark upon this slippery slope down this lane of insanity?
When did I give up the light that has brought me to where I am today?
I'm searching.
Searching for me.
I know I am here somewhere, somewhere amongst this mess that has found its way into my mind, my Heart, my Soul.
I know I'm lost but not gone.
Maybe I've just gone for a hike, left this messy shell of mine to deal with the world while I roam around the beautiful landscaped of Earth. Maybe I found some Light in another place and I wait for me there, by the crackling fire, that beautiful warmth that can be found when with friends far away, away in lands filled with only our laughter.
Did I forget my Self again in the nostalgia of my distant dreams?
If only I remembered how to wake up along with my Self...
I am not allowing myself to let go and embrace the goodness that comes my way because I am afraid I will get hurt once more, weighed down with the weight of human existence, human needs, human desires, human games, human humanness...
I am not allowing myself to demand for more as I can't see why I would have the right to demand more than what Life grants me as it is. I mean, hey, who do I think I am, eh?
It's amazing to come face to face with the borders of my sanity, feeling the slippery slope beneath my feet, that path that leads to a world within millions of worlds closed in on themselves.
My whole inner world swings from one end to the next, sometimes glimpsing bits and bouts of that Light I have cultivated for the past years, yet most of the time spending my woken moments in a thick fog of doubt and uncertainty.
The sunshine pierces through, momentarily, as the blue sky covers my whole being with quietude; the sun-kissed autumn leaves shine bright, the air smells of pending hibernation and the warmth of kindness stretches itself around my fingers.
The Light shines through as kindness pours itself onto myself through a shared thought, a shared poem, a shared care, an extended kindness that squeezes tears out my Being.
But the swing swings back, into the depths of shyness and weakness.
I lose myself in the expectations of performance I place upon myself, in the flawlessness I demand of my flawed Self, in the requirements I will never be able to fulfil. I let myself fall into a world I thought I'd left behind ages ago. I let myself drown. I swim aimlessly, heading straight down, deeper into the depth of the darkness that fills the depths of my void Self.
Where did I go?
Where did that carefree me go?
When did I abandon that child to all the adult fears I worked so hard to break free from?
When did I embark upon this slippery slope down this lane of insanity?
When did I give up the light that has brought me to where I am today?
I'm searching.
Searching for me.
I know I am here somewhere, somewhere amongst this mess that has found its way into my mind, my Heart, my Soul.
I know I'm lost but not gone.
Maybe I've just gone for a hike, left this messy shell of mine to deal with the world while I roam around the beautiful landscaped of Earth. Maybe I found some Light in another place and I wait for me there, by the crackling fire, that beautiful warmth that can be found when with friends far away, away in lands filled with only our laughter.
Did I forget my Self again in the nostalgia of my distant dreams?
If only I remembered how to wake up along with my Self...