S(e)oul searching
... it is so easy to play on the name of this city. I wonder whether the founding fathers knew this (... duh?).
I have become a consumer whore.
It took only a few days for me to become engulfed in the consumerism and beauty care that is ever so present in this city. It kind of reminds me of the time I spent in D.C. and how quickly I became brainwashed by American TV. Well, it's different, but similar. You know, same same but different? ... hmmm ... Yeah.
The past few days have been spent under the theme of partying. Unusual for me, but oh so sweet! I desperately wanted to check out the nightlife in UB but ended up doing many other things except actually entering a night club. When arriving in Seoul I didn't expect anything but apparently ordered a hefty amount of night clubbing. Perhaps my order to the universe was slightly delayed, or perhaps UB just wasn't that much of a party town. But then again, compared to Seoul, I don't know which city is as much of a party town as this one!
I am surprised at the ease with which I have transferred from pure Nature landscape to rampant urbanization. It's finally as if the surroundings didn't really matter. A smooth silent Peace and distance seem to have settled into my Heart and Soul (I could have written Seoul just there, teehee :D ). I have also totally abandoned my camera... yet again.
The loveliest of all Beings, Kim, lent me a book I barely started. It's called On Photography by Susan Sontag and I read all the way to page 16 - in one go, after a night spent wide awake on an airplane taking me to Seoul and then a day of chatting with previously mentioned Kim, aka sleep deprived and actively falling asleep. Anyhow, the book makes all the points that have bothered me since I picked up a camera and started shooting, and hence has allowed me to find Peace with not taking pictures of whatever whenever possible. It's lovely.
It's also a strange experience to find myself bubbling with Peace.
I'm simply... happy.
I've reached a point where I can honestly say I have had such an amazing Life that everything now coming my way is only extra, only a blessing, only plus. How blissful. And how liberating.
I don't need to do anything.
I don't need to please anyone.
I don't need to be accepted.
I don't need to prove myself.
I don't need to be right.
I don't need to be attractive.
I don't need anything anymore.
Woah.
I was walking on the street a few days ago, after Kim had seen me off as she sped to her part-time work as teacher, and I tried to store this feeling into my cells. I suddenly realized that I was doing this only because I believed this state would not last and that at some point, any point, something would come along and knock me off my feet, sending me spiraling back into the ebb of imbalance, need, lacking, desire. This was like the last twitch that pulls you out of slumber, like the last pinch that pulls you out from your state of zombie-like sleep: I was creating my own experience and my own lack of balance by simply believing that this would not last. And so I stopped. I stopped trying to cherish and store the feeling, I stopped trying to hold on to it and instead let go. I breathed it out and thought that whatever would happen would happen and that's all there really is to any of it, to all of it.
Damn.
I feel quieter than ever before.
I still wish to do certain things (like paint my nails - one hand has now dark red nails, the other shiny electric blue, neat!), visit places (or return to regions I have recently discovered - Mongolia?) and perhaps even accomplish things I never dared to think about as being feasible (thanks Kim for the encouragement!) but I don't need to anymore. I know the well concealed need behind most of my actions comes from cultural brainwashing or even socially imposed masochism, but because it has come up to the surface it's easier to deal with, easier to blow and brush away. What's deeply rooted is hard to get a grasp on, but what's at the surface is easy to spot and let go of.
... such as the consumerism that the so-called spiritual people so often condemn.
When a teenager, I used to be on top of the game. I had in my mind designs for clothing, jewelry and accessories that I could not find anywhere at that time, but that have become mainstream now, some ten years on. I also took great care in doing my make-up, my nails, my hair and in choosing my clothing, day in and day out. It was an important part of being me, of being part of being a human - even though I rarely fit in with any crowd. Then I moved on, rebelled against my self-imposed appearance discipline and started to wear whatever was comfortable and took little time to take care of.
Then I went all the way, buying very little, rarely. I also openly condemned the rampant consumerism that is driving our Planet to destruction. I worried about everything to the point of depression, as I realized no one really cared, and that everyone was so engulfed in their own little worlds making it impossible to change anything on the face of this Planet before it was too late.
In Mongolia I ate what the Earth gave (that sometimes came in cans imported all the way from Germany) and dressed however locals did (I borrowed clothing from the girls to not look like a total retard in a town more and more gripped with fashionistas). Here in Seoul I went out shopping and found out that I totally enjoyed trying out new clothes and actually buying loads! I've let go of the ideologies and moved on to pure enjoyment.
OK, I haven't really become a consumer whore.
I've just lost the need to pretend being a saint, and I've moved on to actually enjoying these extra moments I have on Planet Earth.
And it's not because I'm about to use their tag-line that I'm going to start eating at McD's again, but yeah - I'm lovin' it!
I have become a consumer whore.
It took only a few days for me to become engulfed in the consumerism and beauty care that is ever so present in this city. It kind of reminds me of the time I spent in D.C. and how quickly I became brainwashed by American TV. Well, it's different, but similar. You know, same same but different? ... hmmm ... Yeah.
The past few days have been spent under the theme of partying. Unusual for me, but oh so sweet! I desperately wanted to check out the nightlife in UB but ended up doing many other things except actually entering a night club. When arriving in Seoul I didn't expect anything but apparently ordered a hefty amount of night clubbing. Perhaps my order to the universe was slightly delayed, or perhaps UB just wasn't that much of a party town. But then again, compared to Seoul, I don't know which city is as much of a party town as this one!
I am surprised at the ease with which I have transferred from pure Nature landscape to rampant urbanization. It's finally as if the surroundings didn't really matter. A smooth silent Peace and distance seem to have settled into my Heart and Soul (I could have written Seoul just there, teehee :D ). I have also totally abandoned my camera... yet again.
The loveliest of all Beings, Kim, lent me a book I barely started. It's called On Photography by Susan Sontag and I read all the way to page 16 - in one go, after a night spent wide awake on an airplane taking me to Seoul and then a day of chatting with previously mentioned Kim, aka sleep deprived and actively falling asleep. Anyhow, the book makes all the points that have bothered me since I picked up a camera and started shooting, and hence has allowed me to find Peace with not taking pictures of whatever whenever possible. It's lovely.
It's also a strange experience to find myself bubbling with Peace.
I'm simply... happy.
I've reached a point where I can honestly say I have had such an amazing Life that everything now coming my way is only extra, only a blessing, only plus. How blissful. And how liberating.
I don't need to do anything.
I don't need to please anyone.
I don't need to be accepted.
I don't need to prove myself.
I don't need to be right.
I don't need to be attractive.
I don't need anything anymore.
Woah.
I was walking on the street a few days ago, after Kim had seen me off as she sped to her part-time work as teacher, and I tried to store this feeling into my cells. I suddenly realized that I was doing this only because I believed this state would not last and that at some point, any point, something would come along and knock me off my feet, sending me spiraling back into the ebb of imbalance, need, lacking, desire. This was like the last twitch that pulls you out of slumber, like the last pinch that pulls you out from your state of zombie-like sleep: I was creating my own experience and my own lack of balance by simply believing that this would not last. And so I stopped. I stopped trying to cherish and store the feeling, I stopped trying to hold on to it and instead let go. I breathed it out and thought that whatever would happen would happen and that's all there really is to any of it, to all of it.
Damn.
I feel quieter than ever before.
I still wish to do certain things (like paint my nails - one hand has now dark red nails, the other shiny electric blue, neat!), visit places (or return to regions I have recently discovered - Mongolia?) and perhaps even accomplish things I never dared to think about as being feasible (thanks Kim for the encouragement!) but I don't need to anymore. I know the well concealed need behind most of my actions comes from cultural brainwashing or even socially imposed masochism, but because it has come up to the surface it's easier to deal with, easier to blow and brush away. What's deeply rooted is hard to get a grasp on, but what's at the surface is easy to spot and let go of.
... such as the consumerism that the so-called spiritual people so often condemn.
When a teenager, I used to be on top of the game. I had in my mind designs for clothing, jewelry and accessories that I could not find anywhere at that time, but that have become mainstream now, some ten years on. I also took great care in doing my make-up, my nails, my hair and in choosing my clothing, day in and day out. It was an important part of being me, of being part of being a human - even though I rarely fit in with any crowd. Then I moved on, rebelled against my self-imposed appearance discipline and started to wear whatever was comfortable and took little time to take care of.
Then I went all the way, buying very little, rarely. I also openly condemned the rampant consumerism that is driving our Planet to destruction. I worried about everything to the point of depression, as I realized no one really cared, and that everyone was so engulfed in their own little worlds making it impossible to change anything on the face of this Planet before it was too late.
In Mongolia I ate what the Earth gave (that sometimes came in cans imported all the way from Germany) and dressed however locals did (I borrowed clothing from the girls to not look like a total retard in a town more and more gripped with fashionistas). Here in Seoul I went out shopping and found out that I totally enjoyed trying out new clothes and actually buying loads! I've let go of the ideologies and moved on to pure enjoyment.
OK, I haven't really become a consumer whore.
I've just lost the need to pretend being a saint, and I've moved on to actually enjoying these extra moments I have on Planet Earth.
And it's not because I'm about to use their tag-line that I'm going to start eating at McD's again, but yeah - I'm lovin' it!