missing
I miss myself. I do not recognise the stone set patterns that seem to impose themselves upon my daily experience of Life as me. I miss the boundless experience of me I have come to enjoy in the past almost 4 years. Now the self has turned into a thick mud cake that seems to solidify with each moment spent awake, sinking deeper and deeper into Samsara.
Where am I?
Who am I turning into?
Where is that boundless Love that seemed to flow throughout and within each cell of mine?
This reminds me of the Golden Compass and the whole deal of either having a fixed companion or then being wholly cut away from the demon. It's as if the versatility of existence is being thickened into the mould of an immutable self. And all of it while the very access to the endlessness is dissipating behind a transparent veil of abysmal inaccessibility. My freedom seems to be compromised, my mind squashed in between the boundaries of rationality and my courage trampled by a sense of safety.
I wouldn't be too surprised if another wave of extreme discomfort would be headed my way. Or perhaps even inner panic.
Or perhaps this thick sense of self will be even easier to smash away and I will be left with a clearer sense of the True Being that I am.
But then how come it doesn't feel that way?
How come, instead, I can only foresee more of this earthly thickness?
How come I am not letting myself head out East?
How come I have now chosen to become so attached to Life?
How come I have chosen the beaten path upon this Earth?
Today seemed endless. Woke up around 10, ate porridge, helped out with a greenhouse, went for a walk, jumped on trampoline, went out to the lake and now laying in bed after lovely evening conversations.
It's still so light. How come I wish it were like this all the time, when only a few weeks ago I still yearned Nothing, for darkness without dark, for timelessness without space?
It feels as if I were regressing from all that I have come to know, as if a part of me had rejected what expansiveness and what Love I had come to experience as Truth and as if I was now sinking back into the Life as it is lived by most on this Planet. Help!
Julia, let me free! Please!
Let me meditate, let me return to the source!
Let me return to the state of "I am."
Where am I?
Who am I turning into?
Where is that boundless Love that seemed to flow throughout and within each cell of mine?
This reminds me of the Golden Compass and the whole deal of either having a fixed companion or then being wholly cut away from the demon. It's as if the versatility of existence is being thickened into the mould of an immutable self. And all of it while the very access to the endlessness is dissipating behind a transparent veil of abysmal inaccessibility. My freedom seems to be compromised, my mind squashed in between the boundaries of rationality and my courage trampled by a sense of safety.
I wouldn't be too surprised if another wave of extreme discomfort would be headed my way. Or perhaps even inner panic.
Or perhaps this thick sense of self will be even easier to smash away and I will be left with a clearer sense of the True Being that I am.
But then how come it doesn't feel that way?
How come, instead, I can only foresee more of this earthly thickness?
How come I am not letting myself head out East?
How come I have now chosen to become so attached to Life?
How come I have chosen the beaten path upon this Earth?
Today seemed endless. Woke up around 10, ate porridge, helped out with a greenhouse, went for a walk, jumped on trampoline, went out to the lake and now laying in bed after lovely evening conversations.
It's still so light. How come I wish it were like this all the time, when only a few weeks ago I still yearned Nothing, for darkness without dark, for timelessness without space?
It feels as if I were regressing from all that I have come to know, as if a part of me had rejected what expansiveness and what Love I had come to experience as Truth and as if I was now sinking back into the Life as it is lived by most on this Planet. Help!
Julia, let me free! Please!
Let me meditate, let me return to the source!
Let me return to the state of "I am."