swing ropes about to snap and no sight of someone to catch me
i was just going to save this but i decided to post it as an entry and i don't know why. guess just to let you know i'm stil alive for another day. but i'm turning into a outie. i have a Geometry review to do and too many thoughts to think about and a shower to take and.. never be mind. ni ni though.
love
I don’t know how jealousy controls me or why but it does. Whether it’s because my heart controls me or that I just want the person to myself... I don’t know the answer. Some times things happen with people that make me feel sick to my stomach. It’s not even as if they have done anything it’s just me. And even though I know I can’t have that person jealousy still controls me. I don’t like this... I don’t like it at all. I shouldn’t be upset, just happy that at least the person is nice to me and treats me how I want to be treated. That’s the thing though... being treated how I want to. Just having that it makes the person just seem so right, even though that’s not how it’s suppose to be. Ugh, I feel like I’m repeating myself or something. Am I? I don’t know. I don’t even know why I’m questioning you. I’m talking to myself. I’ve lost what I was going to say. I do that a lot. I think I’m just losing my memory. I’m not sure anymore. i. I. I. I’m using the letter "I" too much. How about I just say me myself. That’s take longer but at least me myself knows that me myself has the time to type the whole words out instead of saying... you get my point. Saying "me myself" makes me feel like I’m talking in third person and that’s done too much with me so I’m just going to use "I". ... I may throw up. I feel really sick.
Do I even know what I want? Maybe it’s that since I know I can’t have what ever it is I’m looking for that I want to have it; so then.... once I get it I no longer have the desire to have it. Have I said this before? It sounds familiar. When my arms get tan my scars from when Joe clawed me when I was younger show up. They don’t look too good. I have too many scars on my body. Some times I get the urge to add to them but then I realize that in a few weeks, no, wait, let me think. Okay. In 12 days it will have been a year since I drew blood. I wanted to the other day... but somehow me not making it to that one year date made me feel as if I’d be a failure in my own eyes then. So I didn’t. That was my reason though, not because I had a promise made but because I didn’t want to fail myself on this one thing. The promise myself I told him I was taking back, but after I realized how close I am I decided not to.
I’m never eating bacon again. Not only do I have a head ache from all the salt but my stomach feels sicker then ick because if all the grease. And yes I did mean to say ick you fool! Stop yelling! Ugh, I’m talking to myself again.
I wonder when I got so annoyed with the way people spell things. I used to not care and I’d use all the slop slack job way to spell things. But not anymore. Even now when I’m in a hurry and I do end up putting "brb" I’m like "you gay wad! You’re being a hypocrite". So, yea. I have no idea where I was going with that. Maybe no where, I’m not sure. I feel like writing a letter but I can’t. And so, here I sit on this g-hay little word document typing and typing like a g-hay little man. I don’t even know how a g-hay little man types or why I keep putting g-hay instead of gay. I keep pronouncing it ga-hay though. Or maybe gua-hay. No... I think it’s ga-hay. But when you look at it it looks like G-hay. I don’t like the phrase g-unit. It just makes me think of gorilla’s and then I think they’re a bunch of fools. It’d be weird to throw up on the key board. You’d have to take it apart and clean it all out. Ah man I may gag. Lol. My scars keep itching where Joe got me. You know, most people wouldn’t notice this about my teeth but I do because I’m retarded but my right front tooth is a little farther back then my left one is because when I was about 8 or 9 Joe and I were playing with building blocks and he got mad at me and he threw it at my face and it hit me in the tooth and since it just finally grew back in I thought I was going to lose it because it got really wiggly. But instead it’s just that now it’s further back then my left. Someone reading this would probably think I’m retarded and egotistical for saying this but I say this because it’s the little things to me that if someone notices them I’d love them more for paying such close attention to me. No one does though so I just sit here in my world with these lists of things and I feel like a fool for having them. God me the way I am for a reason and he put people in my life for a reason. I need someone to talk to. I need like a good 4-6 hour phone call like I used to have. Those really don’t exist anymore though. My last long phone call was only from about 11-2:30. That was with Zachary Daniel. I wonder if people actually remember the things I tell them. I mean, I remember a lot of things that people have told me but that’s just because I’m me. Kris said that he likes me for me. I find it insane that anyone can. No one has ever said that. Zachary Daniel once said that he loved me for all the things that he doesn’t like about me and all the things he does. It’s different hearing that come from him though because he’s my best friend. Hearing it from a different guy is just shocking. It’s kinda like the effect that when Sasha said she liked my hair I gave her a funny look and was like "for reals?" and she said "yea, it’s just so pretty and wavy and.. *sigh*" I laughed then and said thanks and Katie got mad. She was like so when someone else says it you say thank you but when I say it you don’t believe me. It’s like that effect. People really don’t understand what they do to me... no, really how what they do has an effect for me to mess with myself. I assume things. I feel things that aren’t suppose to be interpreted that way. I feel as if I’m helpless and that I’m letting yet another persons words sink into me and having my mean mess with me. I hate him! I hate my mean! ... I just made my mean a man. So strange... One day all I’m going to have is the little things said that made me giggle. It’ll just be me in my little world with my room and all my things that I adore. I think I’ve decided that instead of having my house with my room, since I figure I won’t have my dream come true I’ll just have a one bed room apartment and that one bedroom will be my safty room. That room with all my memories in it. My friends know what this room is, and Seth knew. No one else does though and I will not tell anyone else. I’m kind of being retarded in that I’m thinking I’ll be alone but for once in my life me being alone doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. I wouldn’t have to act different because I really don’t change around other people so I could still be me. It’s just be more of me talking to myself and more of me going home and just... being home. I’d be content with no t going to school and just working and coming home and sleeping. Part of me is laughing at myself right now because I am a fool. I depend too much on other people and I love too much and I would never be able to stay alone. Katie even was like "you do not like being alone!!!!" when I had it on my list of things that I like and I said I know, I just mean being alone with one person. I honestly do think too much. I don’t concentrate enough on the present and too much on the future. I think there’s going to be a war soon... and I’m afraid I’m going to die. I’m afraid that if someone I know goes to that war they’re going to die. Because in the bible there’s this thing that says there’s suppose to be a war for God to get rid of all the sinners and pretty much "wash the earth" again like he did with the flood. But after that war there’s suppose to be a long peace. And I’m afraid because... I would never want to go to hell and I don’t want the people I love to either. Leo doesn’t believe in God and it upsets me, it’s another reason I know I can’t be with him. Kris once said that he was going to hell, I don’t know if he believes in God but I hope he does. I care too much for other people and when I hear that they don’t believe in God it’s not just the fact that they don’t believe in him but that I won’t have them forever and that they will be in pain for all or eternity. And it upsets me when I talk about God because when I do I think that people think I’m overly religious and then they won’t like me as much anymore. I should feel that if they feel that way then forget them but I’m me. I love too easily and can’t let people go. I myself need to go though. I needed to vent even though I’m upset with myself for having feelings that I do. Maybe I’ll deal with them at one point. But for now I’ll just sit here listening to my music and thinking too much about... my world and the people that run amuck there and influence my heart too much. Thank you very much Mr. Microsoft Word! *kisses the screen* ni ni.
love
I don’t know how jealousy controls me or why but it does. Whether it’s because my heart controls me or that I just want the person to myself... I don’t know the answer. Some times things happen with people that make me feel sick to my stomach. It’s not even as if they have done anything it’s just me. And even though I know I can’t have that person jealousy still controls me. I don’t like this... I don’t like it at all. I shouldn’t be upset, just happy that at least the person is nice to me and treats me how I want to be treated. That’s the thing though... being treated how I want to. Just having that it makes the person just seem so right, even though that’s not how it’s suppose to be. Ugh, I feel like I’m repeating myself or something. Am I? I don’t know. I don’t even know why I’m questioning you. I’m talking to myself. I’ve lost what I was going to say. I do that a lot. I think I’m just losing my memory. I’m not sure anymore. i. I. I. I’m using the letter "I" too much. How about I just say me myself. That’s take longer but at least me myself knows that me myself has the time to type the whole words out instead of saying... you get my point. Saying "me myself" makes me feel like I’m talking in third person and that’s done too much with me so I’m just going to use "I". ... I may throw up. I feel really sick.
Do I even know what I want? Maybe it’s that since I know I can’t have what ever it is I’m looking for that I want to have it; so then.... once I get it I no longer have the desire to have it. Have I said this before? It sounds familiar. When my arms get tan my scars from when Joe clawed me when I was younger show up. They don’t look too good. I have too many scars on my body. Some times I get the urge to add to them but then I realize that in a few weeks, no, wait, let me think. Okay. In 12 days it will have been a year since I drew blood. I wanted to the other day... but somehow me not making it to that one year date made me feel as if I’d be a failure in my own eyes then. So I didn’t. That was my reason though, not because I had a promise made but because I didn’t want to fail myself on this one thing. The promise myself I told him I was taking back, but after I realized how close I am I decided not to.
I’m never eating bacon again. Not only do I have a head ache from all the salt but my stomach feels sicker then ick because if all the grease. And yes I did mean to say ick you fool! Stop yelling! Ugh, I’m talking to myself again.
I wonder when I got so annoyed with the way people spell things. I used to not care and I’d use all the slop slack job way to spell things. But not anymore. Even now when I’m in a hurry and I do end up putting "brb" I’m like "you gay wad! You’re being a hypocrite". So, yea. I have no idea where I was going with that. Maybe no where, I’m not sure. I feel like writing a letter but I can’t. And so, here I sit on this g-hay little word document typing and typing like a g-hay little man. I don’t even know how a g-hay little man types or why I keep putting g-hay instead of gay. I keep pronouncing it ga-hay though. Or maybe gua-hay. No... I think it’s ga-hay. But when you look at it it looks like G-hay. I don’t like the phrase g-unit. It just makes me think of gorilla’s and then I think they’re a bunch of fools. It’d be weird to throw up on the key board. You’d have to take it apart and clean it all out. Ah man I may gag. Lol. My scars keep itching where Joe got me. You know, most people wouldn’t notice this about my teeth but I do because I’m retarded but my right front tooth is a little farther back then my left one is because when I was about 8 or 9 Joe and I were playing with building blocks and he got mad at me and he threw it at my face and it hit me in the tooth and since it just finally grew back in I thought I was going to lose it because it got really wiggly. But instead it’s just that now it’s further back then my left. Someone reading this would probably think I’m retarded and egotistical for saying this but I say this because it’s the little things to me that if someone notices them I’d love them more for paying such close attention to me. No one does though so I just sit here in my world with these lists of things and I feel like a fool for having them. God me the way I am for a reason and he put people in my life for a reason. I need someone to talk to. I need like a good 4-6 hour phone call like I used to have. Those really don’t exist anymore though. My last long phone call was only from about 11-2:30. That was with Zachary Daniel. I wonder if people actually remember the things I tell them. I mean, I remember a lot of things that people have told me but that’s just because I’m me. Kris said that he likes me for me. I find it insane that anyone can. No one has ever said that. Zachary Daniel once said that he loved me for all the things that he doesn’t like about me and all the things he does. It’s different hearing that come from him though because he’s my best friend. Hearing it from a different guy is just shocking. It’s kinda like the effect that when Sasha said she liked my hair I gave her a funny look and was like "for reals?" and she said "yea, it’s just so pretty and wavy and.. *sigh*" I laughed then and said thanks and Katie got mad. She was like so when someone else says it you say thank you but when I say it you don’t believe me. It’s like that effect. People really don’t understand what they do to me... no, really how what they do has an effect for me to mess with myself. I assume things. I feel things that aren’t suppose to be interpreted that way. I feel as if I’m helpless and that I’m letting yet another persons words sink into me and having my mean mess with me. I hate him! I hate my mean! ... I just made my mean a man. So strange... One day all I’m going to have is the little things said that made me giggle. It’ll just be me in my little world with my room and all my things that I adore. I think I’ve decided that instead of having my house with my room, since I figure I won’t have my dream come true I’ll just have a one bed room apartment and that one bedroom will be my safty room. That room with all my memories in it. My friends know what this room is, and Seth knew. No one else does though and I will not tell anyone else. I’m kind of being retarded in that I’m thinking I’ll be alone but for once in my life me being alone doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. I wouldn’t have to act different because I really don’t change around other people so I could still be me. It’s just be more of me talking to myself and more of me going home and just... being home. I’d be content with no t going to school and just working and coming home and sleeping. Part of me is laughing at myself right now because I am a fool. I depend too much on other people and I love too much and I would never be able to stay alone. Katie even was like "you do not like being alone!!!!" when I had it on my list of things that I like and I said I know, I just mean being alone with one person. I honestly do think too much. I don’t concentrate enough on the present and too much on the future. I think there’s going to be a war soon... and I’m afraid I’m going to die. I’m afraid that if someone I know goes to that war they’re going to die. Because in the bible there’s this thing that says there’s suppose to be a war for God to get rid of all the sinners and pretty much "wash the earth" again like he did with the flood. But after that war there’s suppose to be a long peace. And I’m afraid because... I would never want to go to hell and I don’t want the people I love to either. Leo doesn’t believe in God and it upsets me, it’s another reason I know I can’t be with him. Kris once said that he was going to hell, I don’t know if he believes in God but I hope he does. I care too much for other people and when I hear that they don’t believe in God it’s not just the fact that they don’t believe in him but that I won’t have them forever and that they will be in pain for all or eternity. And it upsets me when I talk about God because when I do I think that people think I’m overly religious and then they won’t like me as much anymore. I should feel that if they feel that way then forget them but I’m me. I love too easily and can’t let people go. I myself need to go though. I needed to vent even though I’m upset with myself for having feelings that I do. Maybe I’ll deal with them at one point. But for now I’ll just sit here listening to my music and thinking too much about... my world and the people that run amuck there and influence my heart too much. Thank you very much Mr. Microsoft Word! *kisses the screen* ni ni.