holy shit it's been awhile
home for the first time since xmas pre pandemic. and I have stowaway mini wines even though they're not necessary. or maybe more necessary than I realize at this time.
I guess I'm revisiting this platform to sort out my thoughts. not super sure the last time I checked my LJ.
my mom is old. not doing well. my dad is dead. funny that dead is only one letter from dad.
coming back to Hawaii has been ... a trip. my man is suffering back in CA. my mom is suffering. my elderly cat is suffering after losing her sister and getting a new couch. my best friend moved away. I feel like everyone needs me and I'm getting lost in it. I know we'll move back here at some point but there are. so. many. road. blocks.
my job is fine I'm scared Caine wants to totally give up working. anyways rhetoric aside
I miss my dad. coming here brings that up. this trip less so. perhaps because I believe I have a mission. my mom is falling apart. she slept til almost 5pm today. she hobbles around, can barely move and is in so much pain her house looks like a dumping ground.
yet this trip feel different. I don't feel like I need to swoop in and bandaid everything. I feel like I am laying the foundations of recovery for my mom and a future back at home for me and Caine. I'm not looking at this as finite, but as the beginning of a process. like my mom is a bridge between my old life and my new life in Hawaii.
Jesus I remember why I used to do this all the time. thanks, LJ.