Destati (3/4)
Sehun spends a lot of time thinking about Luhan. He likes to think that Luhan does the same. They meet every morning after they’re done their gardening. Sehun waves with a smile on his lips as Luhan jogs through the grass to the glass wall. After their meeting, Sehun goes inside and writes down the facts that Luhan tells about himself. He knows it’s not the best thing to do and would be considered creepy by many people but Sehun needs it. He needs to have something, someone, to learn about. He’s sick of learning about fake people in books or in movies. He’s sick of learning about important figures and the government. Sehun wanted to learn about someone who’s real. Someone that doesn’t have high power and every one knows. He wants to learn about someone normal. Someone that is just a normal person going on their normal day. That’s what Luhan was for him.
Luhan is twenty three and comes from China. He used to live in the heart of Beijing. He had an apartment on the sixteenth floor that overlooked the river. Luhan likes to drink tea, Sehun noted that he pretty much drinks tea and only tea. He likes to collect fairy tale books, his favorite is Beauty and the Beast. Luhan has dyed his hair exactly thirteen times in his life. Sehun scribbles in all the colors and a note about his teenage anti-social phase which lead to dark colored clothing and bright popping colored hair. His favorite fruit is strawberries but mangos come close behind. He likes anything and everything colored blue, especially baby blue. Sehun smiles at the information when he writes it down, looking at his own pastel sheets.
Sehun realizes that Luhan isn’t anything like Joonmyun. They sit together and watch the stars one night. Luhan has a wine cooler in hand and cigarette in the other.
“There’s a lot of fucking stars in the sky. Have you ever thought about how many there are?”
“Mm..” Sehun shrugs as he takes a sip from his own mixture of alcohol and tea. “A shit ton.” He laughs and watches as Luhan pushes the smoke out between his lips.
“My mom used to tell me that every star in the sky represented someone here on earth. Sometimes I still believe it. Every time I look up there seems to be more and more. Just like here.”
Luhan doesn’t like to be fluffy with words. He always tells Sehun how he’s feeling and what’s on his mind. It always makes Sehun laugh because Luhan gets angry at the smallest of things. But it doesn’t turn Sehun off. Doesn’t make him want to stop talking to him. He’s sick and tired of people being fluffy with him. He likes the facts and that’s exactly what Luhan gives him.
“But if you think about it like that, then all the shooting stars and ones that disappear are people who die, right? It’s pretty fucked up in a poetic sort of way.”
They lay in the grass until the sun comes up. Luhan drinks three more wine coolers and finishes a pack of cigarettes. He laughs and rolls around the grass when Sehun chokes on his second shot of vodka. Sehun reaches out to punch Luhan but sadly gets his knuckles bruised because he’s forgotten that there’s glass between them.
Luhan finally stands up at around seven. His legs are wobbly and he bumps his forehead against the glass as he tumbles forward some. Sehun reaches his arms out as if he could help him. But his hands hit against the glass again. It takes several minutes for Luhan to make it back inside. Sehun watches every step to make sure he doesn’t fall and hurt himself. When Sehun gets back inside, he finds a new picture message of Luhan laying in bed and a reassuring message that he’s made it safely to his bed. Sehun smiles as he makes his way to his own bed.
The soft pink blanket around him make him sleepy. They hug him in a way that reminds him of Joonmyun. He closes his eyes and thinks about Joonmyun. He wonders how he’s doing. He hasn’t heard from him since the day he ran out of the room. Sehun sits up and grabs his phone. He knows it’s useless because Joonmyun had cut off his phone. Sehun’s called over a thousand times and never once has there been an answer. But he decides to try again.
It rings for a few moments and Sehun feels his heart tighten up. He bites down on his bottom lip and runs his hand through his hair, fingers curling around the long bangs. The rings go on for a few more seconds but he’s soon met with a robotic voice about leaving a message. Sehun pulls the phone away to hang up but he hears Joonmyun’s voice through the phone. His eyes widen and he presses the phone back to his ear.
“Joonmyun?”
Except it’s not Joonmyun. It’s his voice saying that he’s not here at the moment and to leave a message. Sehun looks at the time. Perhaps he’s in class? Or on his way to class. He wonders if Joonmyun ever got into the college he wanted to. He wonders how well he did on the exams. Has he met new friends? He even wonders about Jongin. Sehun hopes that they’re doing okay.
“Joonmyun.. it’s.. it’s Sehun. I uh, hope you’re doing okay. I know it’s been a really long time. Listen, I just want to tell you that I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.” Sehun feels his eyes swell and his throat tighten. He coughs to hopefully rid away the feeling. “I was young and fucking stupid and just, please tell me you haven’t forgotten me. You were my only friend. You were everything to me!”
Sehun doesn’t know if it’s the alcohol finally kicking in or his feelings for Joonmyun coming back. His hand curls around his pillow as tears fall against his arm. The robotic voice comes back and warns him that he only has a few more seconds to go before the recording would end. He wipes away the tears with the back of his hand and sucks in a breath.
“I just want you to know that I loved you, alright? I really, I really fucking loved you. As a friend and more than that. Please.. please don’t forget about me.”
The message cuts off and there no longer is white noise in the background letting Sehun know that his words were being recorded. The woman comes back on and tells him that the message has been saved. Sehun sets his phone down on the nightstand and wipes at his eyes with his shirt. There isn’t much hope for Joonmyun to answer back. He doesn’t have any hope that he’ll even listen to the message. He didn’t want to listen to Sehun all those years ago and he definitely won't want to listen to a drunk Sehun.
Sehun cries for a few hours. He runs through a box of tissues and a roll of toilet paper. He checks his phone every few minutes, wanting to see Joonmyun’s name pop up on the screen. But nothing does. It stays black and doesn’t vibrate or ring. Joonmyun is probably out with his new friends. Maybe he’s gotten another partner. Someone he can touch and hug and kiss. Someone he doesn’t have to hide. Maybe he has a family. Sehun thinks he might be out of college by now. He might live in a pretty house in the country side with a wife or husband. Sehun thinks how much he would have loved to have that with him.
Sehun thinks about Luhan. He thinks about how different Luhan is from Joonmyun. Luhan has never been scared of him. He came over with a smile on his face and has had one ever since. He never worries that the government will find him and yell at him for talking to him. He treats Sehun like a normal person. There’s no Jongin to take him away to play soccer. There’s no parents to yell at him and come home and end their conversations. Luhan is there and he wants to be there.
But that’s what scares Sehun. Perhaps Luhan is too perfect. With all the wrong things in his life, finally having a right one is scary. Sehun worries that one day Luhan will be packing his bags and leaving out of his driveway with a large moving truck. He’s scared that one day Luhan will realize how dangerous Sehun is. He’ll realize it and leave. But Sehun wants to believe that Luhan is completely right for him. He doesn’t want him to be another wrong in his life.
“Okay, now put just one cup of yogurt in, got it?”
Sehun laughs and grabs the yogurt out of the fridge, he wiggles it in front of his phone. “Is vanilla fine, sir?”
“Don’t be a smartass,” Luhan says with a grin, nodding at the question. “Vanilla is actually the best. Unless you’re going for like extra fruity and you want blueberry or something like that.”
Luhan leans back in his bed, his hair falling out back against his blue sheets. Sehun smiles because they match his. Luhan had seen how cute the style of Sehun’s sheets were that he went out and got his own set in blue. He hums as he scoops out the yogurt into the blender.
“And put a bit more ice in there. It’s not going to be very thick like that.”
“Oh well you know how I like it thick, hyung,” Sehun says with a smirk as he grabs a few ice cubes out of the freezer.
“Oh Sehun I swear, if there wasn’t that stupid glass box separating us, I’d come over there and slap you.”
They burst out in laughter together. Sehun shakes his head and sticks his tongue out as he puts the rest of the ice into the blender. Luhan watches with careful eyes as Sehun presses the button, letting the blender do it’s job. They smile at each other when Sehun takes his first sip and moans softly.
“What would I do without you, hyung,” he says happily as he sits down on the couch with his new favorite smoothie creation.
“Suffer from horrible smoothies and loneliness.” Luhan sings out the last part which makes Sehun blush and hide behind his cup. “And I would suffer loneliness and boredom if it wasn’t for you.”
Luhan stares at him through the screen and Sehun takes a few seconds to breathe before looking at him normally, cup set down on the table. They stare at each other like they did the first time they met. Except it’s not innocent eyes anymore. Luhan has glints of something in his eyes and Sehun can feel his heart pounding in his chest. When they hang up three hours later, Sehun feels those familiar butterflies back in his chest.
In the fall, Luhan gets a computer. Sehun teases him about it as he puts it together because it’s taken him this long to get a computer. He gets a playful scolding from the other but ends in tongues being stuck out and middle fingers pointed at each other with laughs filling the air. They talk a lot more through the computer. They both get a messenger and video chat each other every morning and night after they’ve gone inside their homes. Luhan doesn’t come out in the mornings or evenings much because of the cold seeping in with the season change.
They make breakfast together in the mornings, both of them bringing their computers with them as they cook. They watch the news together and catch up on their dreams with each other and anything else that might have happened in the time they didn’t talk. It was usually filled with random conversations and making fun of each other.
In the afternoon when the sun comes out fully, they meet outside and talk through the glass. Luhan always has a bright smile on his face when he jogs over to the glass. Even mornings when Luhan looks like a train ran over him, which Sehun realizes that it does not make Luhan look any less attractive, after a long night of drinking. He’s always happy to see Sehun and Sehun’s always happy to see Luhan.
Sehun learns that Luhan used to be really smart in school. He used to wear glasses and sweatervests. Luhan got straight A’s and was on the math team.
“No fucking way! You totally don’t look like you’re a nerd,” Sehun says as he presses his shoulder against the glass.
“I’m not kidding! I mean I still wear glasses but they’re purely fashion and I’ve switched to big comfy sweaters instead.” Luhan smiles as he presses his forehead against the glass. “It just all changed when I went to college, you know? Met a lot of people. I changed.”
“How was college? What’s it like?”
Sehun watches Luhan with bright eyes. He’s never talked to someone that’s been at college before. He only knows about it through TV and books, like pretty much everything.
“Well,” Luhan laughs as he stretches his legs out. His fingers reach for the pack of cigarettes and they pull a fresh one out. “It was pretty crazy for me. Got into the wrong crowd.” Luhan smiles, fingers flicking at the lighter and lighting the cigarette. “I didn’t do any drugs or anything like that. Not my thing. Well, if you count these as drugs,” he wiggles the cigarette before taking a long drag, “then I guess it is.”
“I don’t count it as a drug. I mean, it technically is but it’s not like you did any of those crazy drugs.” Sehun’s heard about some of the horrible drugs that are out there. They have ones that make people do crazy things and get hurt. He’s glad that Luhan wasn’t part of that crowd.
Luhan twists his body to lean his shoulders against the glass. Sehun watches as the earring on his left ear presses against the glass, shimmering slightly in the sunlight. “I partied a lot though. It’s how I started drinking and smoking. Fooled around a lot.”
Sehun feels his face heat up at the information. He clears his throat and bites down on his bottom lip. “What kind of fooling around?”
Luhan tilts his head and looks at him with a grin on his face. Sehun wants to cover his own reddening face with his hands. He’s more than embarrassed at the question that he’s just asked. But Sehun was now twenty and he’s yet to have any kind of sexual experience. He was curious and he was curious about Luhan’s experience.
“You know, like sex.” Luhan laughs as he takes another drag of his cigarette. “I had a couple partners. We just met up and fucked. I just wanted to find my sexuality so I played around a lot. Slept with guys and girls. Slept with guys and girls at the same time. It was pure fun. I never got involved with them other than sex.”
Sehun can’t help the images that come into his mind. He swallows and pushes his hair back. He wants to laugh because he’s lying to himself when he says Luhan isn’t attractive. He wants to laugh even harder when he tells himself that he’s not attracted to Luhan.
“What is it like? Sex and stuff.”
“Sex.. ah sex is really great. It really depends on who you have it with but honestly it all has the same underlying feeling. I’ve only ever fucked someone once. It wasn’t for me so I went to bottoming. Some people like to be really rough and others like to be gentle. I personally like to be rough. Hair pulling, slapping, all that kind of shit. I’m not embarrassed by it.” Luhan shrugs and laughs, pushing his hair back. “Everyone’s different. But either way, it’s a really nice feeling.”
They stay quiet for a few minutes. Sehun tries to wish away the thoughts of how it would be to touch Luhan. But Luhan looks at him with the same thoughts. Sehun presses his forehead across from Luhan’s on the glass. They stare at each other for more minutes. The thoughts of touching Luhan sexually are still there. He wants to run his hands along those arms that have just enough muscles to be seen. He wants to pull Luhan on his lap and hold him close. But the desire to hug Luhan overpowers it as he stares into his eyes. The want to smell his hair and feel his skin against his. He wants to kiss him and hug him until he falls asleep and then do it all over again when they wake.
“Sehun.” Luhan’s voice breaks his train of thought. Sehun blinks and comes back to reality. “Do you want to kiss me?”
He laughs and licks at his lip as he watches Luhan’s own lips move with his words. He blushes and nods. “Yeah. So bad.”
Luhan smiles sadly. It’s the first time that he’s seen any kind of sadness coming from Luhan. But Sehun thinks that it’s an okay sadness. It’s not sadness that hurts him like the words that he was a freak used to. It doesn’t hurt him like how Joonmyun hurt him by leaving without saying goodbye. It makes him happy because he knows that Luhan feels the same way.
“Do you wanna kiss me through the glass?”
He doesn’t have to think twice before pressing his lips to where Luhan’s are hovering. He doesn’t care that he may look desperate or weird, kissing a piece of glass. He doesn’t even worry that Luhan might not be pressing his lips back because he knows he is. He can feel it. It’s nothing like what real lips feel like. It’s cold and hard, full of loneliness. There’s no passion or emotion in it. It’s just a piece of glass.
Reality hits when he pulls away and sees tears in Luhan’s eyes. Luhan has always smiled. He’s always been positive. Luhan would always tell him to cheer up when Sehun would get sad. He was there when Sehun broke down and cried for hours about being trapped. Luhan would tell him that it was okay and that he’s there for him. To see Luhan break down in front of him, makes the want to be with him even stronger.
“I wanna do this, Luhan. I want to be with you. I know you want this to. I know you do. Please tell me you do.”
“Of course I do. I really like you, idiot.” Luhan wipes at his eyes and grabs another cigarette out of his pack. He lights it up before turning to Sehun. “But I’m scared. I’ve never been involved with anyone like that. And what if the government finds out? I don’t want them to separate us. Friends or more, it doesn’t matter, I don’t want to be separated from you.”
It was the first time that Luhan had said something about the government. Sehun can’t really blame him though. It’s a valid reason and he’s proud of Luhan for not mentioning it before. But Luhan didn’t say, I don’t want to be with you because I can’t touch you. He didn’t say anything about being restricted by the glass.
“Let’s just do it, hyung. Let’s not worry about the government. I want you and you want me. I don’t want them to stop us.”
Luhan looks at him with his wide eyes and smoke pushing through his lips. “You really want to do this?” Sehun nods, fingers playing with his shirt. He watches as Luhan puts out the cigarette on the grass, flicking it towards his door. “Alright, let’s do this, Sehun. I’ll go out with you.”
In seconds, Sehun presses his lips against glass. He waits a few seconds before opening one of his eyes to see if Luhan had his lips pressed against the glass. He only sees Luhan eyeing him and his hand covering his mouth. When Sehun pulls away, Luhan leans his head back and laughs loudly. Sehun pouts and hits his hand against the glass.
“Hyung! You’re supposed to kiss me back.”
Luhan only shakes his head as he pecks the glass quickly where the marks of Sehun’s lips are.
Nothing really changes between them after they start going out. They stay inside most of the day due to the cold, well, the cold for Luhan. It still feels like the beginnings of summer for Sehun. One of Sehun’s favorite things to do with Luhan is watch movies and kiss through the computer screen. He’s gone past the wish to kiss Luhan in real life and settles for the kisses against more glass.
Sehun reads Luhan one of his cheesy romance novels one night. They stay up all night and devour several bags of chips and a whole case of beer. By the end of the reading, Sehun’s acting out the scenes with his lamp. Luhan laughs so loud Sehun swears he can hear him from the outside.
“You know, you sound like one of those girls in that book,” Luhan says as they lay in bed when the sun comes up.
“Oh yeah? How?”
Luhan hums quietly as he rolls on his side, cheek resting against his arm as he looks at Sehun through the screen. “You fall in love with every person you meet.”
“Hey I do not!” Sehun laughs as he sits up a bit, pulling his pillow underneath his chin.
“Then you didn’t love Joonmyun?”
Sehun frowns at the name. He told Luhan about Joonmyun a few months back. How much he cared for him and how he just ran away. Luhan told him that Joonmyun was an asshole but his parents are even bigger assholes for taking him away. But hearing his name while dating Luhan was bittersweet. He didn’t want Luhan’s name to feel how Joonmyun’s feels.
“I-” Sehun sighs and pushes his bangs back, biting at the corner of his cheek. “Yeah I loved him. I guess when you only meet a few people other than your family..” It makes Sehun frown because Luhan is right. He met Joonmyun and fell in love and now Luhan was going down the same path. “I get attached. I think it’s just like normal shit your body does.”
“Do you think I’m going to end up like Joonmyun?”
The question makes Sehun’s eyes widen. He watches as Luhan crushes the tip of his cigarette in the ashtray on the nightstand. Sehun sucks in a breath and suppresses a whimper. “I don’t want you to end up like him.”
Luhan smiles and pokes the screen. “Cheer up, babe. I’m here to stay.”
“You better be.” Sehun blushes and puckers up his lips. He watches as Luhan laughs before leaning forward and pressing his lips to the screen. Sehun presses his to where Luhan’s are.
“Porn is weird, hyung.”
Sehun scrunches his nose up as the sound of moaning and slapping echoes through his living room. He doesn’t know how Luhan had managed to convince him to watch porn with him but he kind of regrets it now. Before the people came up on screen, Sehun had never seen anyone else naked. He saw his brother naked one time when they were young but he likes to think that doesn’t count. Sure he’s seen himself naked but not anyone else before.
“I’d much rather be doing this stuff with you.” The words come out in a blush as Sehun looks at Luhan on the screen. The other smiles and nods in agreement.
“The real thing is better than watching it on screen. Trust me. But hey, you paid for this so don’t let it go to waste.”
It takes almost half an hour for Sehun to start getting turned on. He listens to the whispers of the man on top. He tells the bottom how slutty he is and how tight he is for him. Sehun has to pat his cheeks to keep them from blushing. A few minutes later and he barely remembers that Luhan is watching him. Sehun shifts on the couch and hugs his pillow tightly, chin resting at the top of it. He knows he’s hard and he feels himself starting to leak the more the couple on screen fucks.
He vaguely hears Luhan moan from the other side of the computer. Sehun tilts his head and sees that Luhan has his hand down pants and he can see the outline of his thumb as it moves. It takes him a minute to remember how to breathe as he watches the other. Luhan doesn’t falter when he meets Sehun’s eyes.
“Join me,” he says in a breathy whisper.
Sehun blushes dark and feels his cock twitch underneath his sweatpants. But he can’t deny how much he wants to touch himself. How much he wants Luhan’s hand to be on him and mouth on his. He needs Luhan and there’s so much frustration built up that Sehun pushes his hand in his pants and moans when his fingers brush against the sensitive skin of his dick.
He can’t help but turn up the volume on the computer, now forgetting about the porn on his TV. Luhan’s moans are much more interesting and attractive. Sehun learns that Luhan is loud. He whispers dirty things to Sehun the more the look at each other. He whispers how badly he wants to be fucked by Sehun. His fingers curl around the bedsheets and his head leans back. Sehun watches as the thin layer of sweat glistens on his neck.
“Take your pants off. Let me see you.” Sehun whispers when Luhan spreads his legs and starts to buck his hips.
When the sweatpants and underwear are gone, Sehun thinks he’s fallen in love with Luhan all over again. The creamy white skin continues down to his thighs and even around his cock. Luhan’s freshly shaved and he can see the slight bit of red from irritation where he shaved. His cock is a normal size. It’s not too big or too small. But even if it was either of those, Sehun would have loved it all the same. His own pants get pushed off when Luhan whispers for him to do the same. Sehun blushes when he’s fully exposed to Luhan. His cock is bigger and a bit thicker than Luhan’s. it curves up against his stomach and the tip is bright red and shiny. Sehun wonders how it would be to touch Luhan how he is right now.
Luhan comes first. It doesn’t take long after he pushes a few fingers in and grinds down on them. His mouth opens wide and a bit of drool spills out on the side. He comes hard and a bit of white gets on his chin. Sehun rocks his hips and comes on his hand. It slides down his hand and pools around the curve of his wrist. It wasn’t his first orgasm but it was his first one with Luhan. It was completely different than jerking off quietly in the shower. He had someone to think about. He had someone to look at. He had someone’s name to moan out. Sehun feels his heart swell and he feels like he wants to cry when he comes down from his high. He’ll never feel Luhan how he wants to.
They lay in bed and Luhan sings to him for a few hours. He sings all of Sehun’s favorite songs and it makes Sehun’s cheeks blush. Neither of them have bothered getting dressed, so they sit naked in front of the screen together. They jerk off together once more when Luhan bends over to pick something up and Sehun mutters something about wanting to fuck him. It goes from there and lots of dirty sentences and ‘fucks’ are shared between them. It feels just as good as the first time though. Maybe even better.
It starts snowing around midnight. Luhan laughs and pulls on his sweatpants and a sweater. “Come outside!”
Sehun smiles and pushes himself off the bed and jogs outside. When he steps onto the grass he looks around with his lips parted and curled into a smile. The snow falls in big flakes and there’s already a thin layer on the ground around him. He laughs and looks over at Luhan who’s running through his yard to him. Sehun runs over to the glass and presses his hands against it, smiling as Luhan’s hands meet his.
“It’s beautiful. Like a wonderland.”
Luhan rolls around in the grass, not caring that his pants and sweater are getting dark and wet with melted snow. He gathers enough to make a snow ball and throws it at the glass, surprising Sehun. He smiles and sticks his tongue out. Sehun presses his forehead against the glass and watches as Luhan dances and sings at the top of his lungs in the snow.
When Luhan comes back to the glass his cheeks and nose are bright red. His hair has bits of snow in them and his lips are slick with spit and glimmer in the moonlight. Sehun thinks that Luhan is the most handsome and beautiful person he’s ever met. He smiles sadly when they kiss through the glass. Luhan gives him the same sad smile when their eyes meet.
It’s Christmas when they first tell each other ‘I love you.’ Sehun blurts it out first when Luhan turns on the webcam and smiles at him. He’s frightened that Luhan won’t say it back to him. But Sehun’s been up all night thinking of ways to tell him. He’s thought about all the consequences that could come with saying it. None of them happen though when Luhan smiles and says it back to him.
They spend the whole day with each other. Sehun bakes his own gingerbread cookies and Luhan helps him through with making them. He makes them into big hearts and one that has an ‘L’ and one that has an ‘S.’ Sehun smiles as he bites down on the L one, laughing because Luhan yells at him for eating it first.
Around dinner, they jack off together. It’s not as rough and fast as the normal ones are. Luhan doesn’t moan as loud as he normally does and it’s not as wild. They whisper how much they love each other several times and Luhan gasps out Sehun’s name along with an ‘I love you so much,’ in a hushed tone. Sehun likes to think that they made love. It’s their own way of making love but it feels like how Sehun imagines the real thing to feel like.
The rest of the night is spent by Sehun telling Luhan all the things he wishes he could do with him. He starts out with simple things like hug and kiss him. But an hour later he’s a sobbing mess and he starts telling Luhan how much he wishes he could just be right next to him. How much he wants to dance and sing around the house naked like Luhan does. How much he wants to lay in his blue sheets and shower with his shampoo.
Luhan doesn’t calm him like he usually does. He only nods and listens to everything that Sehun says. Sehun knows that Luhan doesn’t calm him because he’s just as upset about it. He sees the tears sliding down his cheeks. They stay in silence for a while, only their sniffles and sobs being heard in the silence.
When Luhan falls asleep from crying so much, Sehun watches as his lips part and small breaths are coming between them. He watches the way Luhan’s body curls into his blanket and his forehead scrunches every now and then. It’s then that Sehun decides he’s going to try and break out again. He’s going to try and leave and be with Luhan.
⟵ ⟶