Wasted dreams, "like a television tuned to a dead station"
Click to viewGreat song that sums up how I've been feeling this weekend. I've been strangely euphoric since the new year started and it was only this weekend that some shit got shoveled at my feet. Nothing new, simply more of the old. Work, drama, small details that only seem like mountains to the person climbing it.
While wrestling with Gmail and trying to find something I had written about Elliot Goldenthal, I stumbled on a bunch of old email trades with Amanda that made me remember just how much I *didn't* fuck that whole thing up. And then add to that two people - one of them assana, whos one of my closest real-life friends - came out of nowhere to compliment me on both how well I did in trying to woo Amanda (see image below) and then how well I've been doing since she told me to shit in my hat and wear it. Yeah, I've been doing surprisingly well but that doesn't make the pain dull either. chelone pointed out to me that this is going to be one of those things that will be with me the rest of my life, the pain will always be there, the loss will never be wiped away and that I just have to make it a daily struggle to overcome. Its my alcoholism.
The emails from her were from a different person, one I wish I still knew and one that I know I'll never forget. Is the girl who said without provocation that the relationship with her now-husband was built on a foundation of her trying to avoid the fantasy life she wanted with me still there? Does she still think well of me? Was that last letter she sent, though earnest and meaningful in its intent, indicative of her feelings or simply "what she had to say"? I'll never know in words, I suppose - but I know what my gut says.
I guess some things aren't worth surviving.
