People
My mother once said that there is nothing in this world worse than people. And by people I mean "peeepole", as she emphasized, the ubiquitous and inescapable masses of those individuals who you were told to avoid or disregard as best as you could. The very same people who would destroy you in the most mundane and banal way by ensuring you are stifled, silenced, tied down, and confined in whatever obligatory or self serving role they deem suited for you. I could find no reason to disagree but I laughed and told my mother that aren't we all someone's "people"? At what point do we stop being an individual, all born of the same skin and flesh and breathing the same air, and become the vague and inexplicable "they/them" - the "others" we try to exclude from "our" group?
The more and more I come across people who I feel I might connect with the more I become aware of the discrepancies between us. I don't mean race, class, or even personalities - I am referring to the motives behind each person and where they are destined to go in the future. I can see someone who is frustrated or feels out of place and still understand that where they are today is not where they will be tomorrow because I can imagine the effort it takes to stay focused and true to who you are even when the odds are against you. I can see a hard working and outgoing person and still know that person may have days when they want to give up on everything and everyone. I can understand that not everyone is as they present themselves, that what I see is really only my interpretation of what others allow me to see. I know that everyone has to find their own niche and people who they believe will support them. Being discriminate is ultimately essential. Although I seem apathetic or disinterested in appearance the fact that I take time to contact you and see how you are doing is not me showing apathy. The fact that I feel obligated to accommodate your needs when I am with you despite my limited resources is not apathy. The fact that I don't mind that I can't always go with you to the places you want to go or hang around the people you want to meet but I still encourage you to do what works for you is not apathy. It's not apathy that I can't always relate to the situations and circumstances you find yourself in but still feel compelled to assist you in whatever limited way I can because I know what it's like to feel frustrated and inferior. I say what I mean and if I can't say it sincerely or politely, I won't say it at all because I don't want to be insincere about my relationships and interactions with others.
So, how is it I never saw it before that I am becoming my acquaintances and friends' "people"?
Is it because that I struggle to smile when I see across the hall? Is it because I struggle to keep my head up when you try to make eye contact with me? Or is it because I struggle to conceal the fact that if you stayed around me long enough, sooner or later, you'd see through beneath my layers of hats and sweaters a stunted mind and the heart of a quivering coward.
I have no idea what I am doing with my relationships.
The more and more I come across people who I feel I might connect with the more I become aware of the discrepancies between us. I don't mean race, class, or even personalities - I am referring to the motives behind each person and where they are destined to go in the future. I can see someone who is frustrated or feels out of place and still understand that where they are today is not where they will be tomorrow because I can imagine the effort it takes to stay focused and true to who you are even when the odds are against you. I can see a hard working and outgoing person and still know that person may have days when they want to give up on everything and everyone. I can understand that not everyone is as they present themselves, that what I see is really only my interpretation of what others allow me to see. I know that everyone has to find their own niche and people who they believe will support them. Being discriminate is ultimately essential. Although I seem apathetic or disinterested in appearance the fact that I take time to contact you and see how you are doing is not me showing apathy. The fact that I feel obligated to accommodate your needs when I am with you despite my limited resources is not apathy. The fact that I don't mind that I can't always go with you to the places you want to go or hang around the people you want to meet but I still encourage you to do what works for you is not apathy. It's not apathy that I can't always relate to the situations and circumstances you find yourself in but still feel compelled to assist you in whatever limited way I can because I know what it's like to feel frustrated and inferior. I say what I mean and if I can't say it sincerely or politely, I won't say it at all because I don't want to be insincere about my relationships and interactions with others.
So, how is it I never saw it before that I am becoming my acquaintances and friends' "people"?
Is it because that I struggle to smile when I see across the hall? Is it because I struggle to keep my head up when you try to make eye contact with me? Or is it because I struggle to conceal the fact that if you stayed around me long enough, sooner or later, you'd see through beneath my layers of hats and sweaters a stunted mind and the heart of a quivering coward.
I have no idea what I am doing with my relationships.